Spite

[Digger71]

I have a friend who is acting out of spite. The slightest hurt sends him in to a self-rightious fury And he uses this to excuse his actions. I’ve tried to explain to him (as he is an atheist) how this belittles him. How is is infantile, and how it cuts off the possibility of reconciliation or rectification.

I am familiar with the feeling of ‘fine anger’, and its sensual, hormonal seduction. And he has given me many reasons to ‘spite’ him. And I am tempted, just this once to teach him a lesson. To teach him what ‘fine anger’ can bring about.

But it would not be be the same. I would be doing hurt to teach someone, knowingly I would hurt him. He, in his atheist and I think somewhat childish world view, thinks he is justified. I simply do not think I am.

I love him, he is a dear friend, but I do have a personal history in this. I cannot help but crush when I go for it. I dont accept ‘lessons learned’, or apologies. I enjoy metting out punishment.

It’s so difficult. I know what is right and wrong. I want him to know he is hurting himslf and others without need. But words don’t reach him, and I have only a little patience left.

And, of course, I am aware that this costs me too. And who am I to judge?

 

[Agricola]

Dear Digger71,

Try telling him he is breaking the social contract he made with you when you became friends. Highlight the clause that states that spite is a particularly offensive form of grudge. As such, to act on it is not included in the list of acceptible courses of action when hurt by a friend, colleague, family member, or member of the human race.

Follow-up with an analogy designed to emphasize the social implications of said offense - for example: There were these two sailors marooned on an island. They have but one coconut between them. Sailor Tom wants to devide the coconut into two and share it. Sailor Jerry agrees. Sailor Tom devides the coconut into two and hands Sailor Jerry a half with less meat. Out of spite, Sailor Jerry grabs both halves of the coconut and tosses them into the ocean. Both Sailors die of starvation a day before a ship comes by and finds them.

Seriously though, you may want to distance yourself from your friend for a time. He will (should) figure out that he can’t act out of spite and expect people to want to be around him.

Another option would be to repay his spite with kindness… a LOT of it. Even atheists have consciences, and when people treat others with contempt and receive nothing but kindness in return, they tend to have feelings of regret… not just put-on regret, the genuine stuff… the stuff that comes from examination of self. This regret may lead to a change in his attitude, and then his behaviour.

Don’t forget to pray for him. We can all use prayers, especially those of us who are atheistic.

God bless,

Agricola

 

[Ruthie]

*The slightest hurt sends him in to a self-rightious fury And he uses this to excuse his actions. I’ve tried to explain to him (as he is an atheist) how this belittles him. How is is infantile, and how it cuts off the possibility of reconciliation or rectification.
That may be too deep for him…

Try asking him why he allows these people to hurt him. Why does he want to waste his time getting angry at them? Why is he giving them free rent in his head?

Allowing them to make him angry is giving them power over him.

HTH