By no means do I intend to be flippant, but even in the civil arena, it’s far easier to get a marriage license than a driver’s license, and I think that some of what passes for marriage prep in some parishes and dioceses is almost laughably inadequate. And it’s painful to disagree, but people really don’t seem to have an innate capability to marry, if we are using that term to mean being able to establish a lifelong bond that is mutually edifying as well as providing a stable platform for the education of children. What people seem to have an innate capability to do is to try to find a person of the opposite gender to establish a longterm bond that they think will be personally satisfying. Society has become disordered in this matter, and the Church really needs to wake up to the fact that the world, the flesh and the devil are the primary influences in many people’s perception of what constitutes a marriage.
Obviously, the first school of marriage is the relationship between the parents that a child observes from day 1.
When my husband and I were engaged, we had to attend a pre-Cana conference, the primary focus of which was natural family planning and the Church’s teaching on artificial birth control. Now, while that was all very interesting and useful I’m sure to some couples, not every couple that gets married is in their twenties. We were in our early forties. As we found out over the next three years, fertility wasn’t going to be an issue.
It would have been more useful if one lecture (plus handouts) concentrated on the above, and a separate lecture concentrated on communication, finances, how to successfully blend two formed personalities, and the like. We’re still married, but some actual information (and perhaps some workshops) on dealing with such things would have spared us some misery. We would have already had the tools in our toolbox. As the old saying goes, “Forewarned is forearmed.”
I strongly suspect that most marriages fall apart because of lack of the ability to form a joint mission, poor communication skills, bad financial planning and discipline, and the like, because all of this is rarely discussed before the marriage occurs. Then two basically nice people who had good superficial intentions but were basically clueless about how to get all that to gel end up sitting across the breakfast table, angry, hurt, and looking for a way out.
As someone else pointed out, maybe what is too liberally granted is a marriage ceremony. Maybe prospective couples need to demonstrate that they really do have an understanding as to what the gritty reality of marriage entails before they say, “I do.”
The Church needs to start addressing the idea of readiness for marriage, and waiting till a pre-Cana conference is way too late. Catechesis on marriage (which is the vocation most people will find themselves called to,) needs to start way earlier than that, in the homes, and in parish educational programs. And it doesn’t seem to be happening.
By the way, I think that early catechesis for marriage would be a great ministry for the permanent diaconate. These men, more often than not, are married, and have a lot of credibility in terms of “been there, done that,” because of their own experience, and getting their wives involved jointly in some early high school education programs would be a good head start that the Church can give teenagers.
We immunize kids against communicable biologic diseases. Maybe we need to immunize them against the communicable social disease of divorce.