Spouse as Best Friend?

[Schieffelin]

I think I understand SurlyMermaid’s perspective.

Maybe it comes from hearing people talk about their child being their “best friend.” Or someone will say, “My mom is my best friend!” I don’t know if those statements are even true, but perhaps they are trying to express the closeness of the relationship and they don’t think that just being a parent or being a child who is close to that parent is sufficient.

To my mind, the category “best friend” has never included having sex with that person. The role of “spouse” does include physical intimacy. And the 2 roles or categories do seem mutually exclusive, in my mind. Or, rather, the “spouse” role includes that of being my dearest friend, but also a higher level of intimacy such that calling him my “best friend” would actually demote him.

My husband is the person I most admire, I most respect, I most care about, the one I invest in, the one I want to love and be loved by the most. I have taken vows with him, he is way beyond my BFF.

Why do they seem mutually exclusive? Could you elaborate more? My husband and I tell each other all the time “you’re my best friend” and it actually enhances the feelings of romance and desire. It makes us feel vulnerable and close to one another. As an illustration of how powerful it can be, imagine how inappropriate or hurtful it would be (at least IMO) to hear your husband refer to some other female as his best friend.

Seems we all agree here that it’s unhealthy if your spouse is a best friend and not something more. But for me it all part of the same picture.

 

[EvelynEVF]

There is also the difficulty that can arise if a person expects the spouse to be the be-all and end-all of relationships and needs them to fulfill all those relational and emotional needs instead of having other friends as well.

The best marriage i have ever seen is between two best friends who have been married for decades and still hold hands in their sleep.

 

[pnewton]

Best friends here. It is just a term. Not all relationships need to be alike. Comparison is rather pointless.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

I asked the question because of a conversation with my husband (who has taken his ring off, but that’s another subject ).

He always felt that it was “weird” that I referred to his as my “best friend,” knowing he was so much more than that. It was the whole of our relationship. I felt he was my best friend early on in our relationship as I used to feel I could tell him anything and he made it clear he was there for me. We told each other things we had never told anyone else. I felt closer to him than I ever had anyone.

It’s good to hear others don’t think it’s “weird” to consider friendship an aspect of marriage.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I asked the question because of a conversation with my husband (who has taken his ring off, but that’s another subject ).

He always felt that it was “weird” that I referred to his as my “best friend,” knowing he was so much more than that. It was the whole of our relationship. I felt he was my best friend early on in our relationship as I used to feel I could tell him anything and he made it clear he was there for me. We told each other things we had never told anyone else. I felt closer to him than I ever had anyone.

It’s good to hear others don’t think it’s “weird” to consider friendship an aspect of marriage.

You probably already know this, but you and your husband really need to sit down with a counselor.

Luna

 

[joclucsylv]

My husband is my lover and my absolute best friend, my confidant.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I think I understand SurlyMermaid’s perspective.

Maybe it comes from hearing people talk about their child being their “best friend.” Or someone will say, “My mom is my best friend!” I don’t know if those statements are even true, but perhaps they are trying to express the closeness of the relationship and they don’t think that just being a parent or being a child who is close to that parent is sufficient.

To my mind, the category “best friend” has never included having sex with that person. The role of “spouse” does include physical intimacy. And the 2 roles or categories do seem mutually exclusive, in my mind. Or, rather, the “spouse” role includes that of being my dearest friend, but also a higher level of intimacy such that calling him my “best friend” would actually demote him.

My husband is the person I most admire, I most respect, I most care about, the one I invest in, the one I want to love and be loved by the most. I have taken vows with him, he is way beyond my BFF.

I also cringe when someone says their mom (or the mom says that her child) is their best friend. I think that in that particular case, the parent/child relationship and the best friend relationship are mutually exclusive. This is because the parent has authority over the child. If the child doesn’t like the parents’ rules, too bad. (This is assuming that the child is still a minor living at home.) It’s not a parent’s job to be his/her child’s best friend. It’s the parent’s job to make the tough decisions in the best interest of the child.

That’s not so with spouses. Spouses are partners. They have equal footing in the relationship; not the same roles, but they have similar authority within the relationship. A best friend relationship in this case can strengthen the relationship between spouses. I don’t see them as being mutually exclusive, but I agree that a spouse is much more than a BFF.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I asked the question because of a conversation with my husband (who has taken his ring off, but that’s another subject ).

He always felt that it was “weird” that I referred to his as my “best friend,” knowing he was so much more than that. It was the whole of our relationship. I felt he was my best friend early on in our relationship as I used to feel I could tell him anything and he made it clear he was there for me. We told each other things we had never told anyone else. I felt closer to him than I ever had anyone.

It’s good to hear others don’t think it’s “weird” to consider friendship an aspect of marriage.

Prayers for you, Mermaid. And I also encourage you to see a counselor. If your husband has no interest in going, then go on your own.

 

[EasterJoy]

I also cringe when someone says their mom (or the mom says that her child) is their best friend. I think that in that particular case, the parent/child relationship and the best friend relationship are mutually exclusive. This is because the parent has authority over the child. If the child doesn’t like the parents’ rules, too bad. (This is assuming that the child is still a minor living at home.) It’s not a parent’s job to be his/her child’s best friend. It’s the parent’s job to make the tough decisions in the best interest of the child.

That’s not so with spouses. Spouses are partners. They have equal footing in the relationship; not the same roles, but they have similar authority within the relationship. A best friend relationship in this case can strengthen the relationship between spouses. I don’t see them as being mutually exclusive, but I agree that a spouse is much more than a BFF.

Adult children can be best friends with parents; the relationship can progress in that direction. It doesn’t supplant the adult-child-parent relationship, but is in addition. IOW, I think the main thing to remember is the friendship may be the strongest of all one’s friendships–or might not, because they really are different things–but that the friendship still comes after the familial (including marital) relationship.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Adult children can be best friends with parents; the relationship can progress in that direction. It doesn’t supplant the adult-child-parent relationship, but is in addition. IOW, I think the main thing to remember is the friendship may be the strongest of all one’s friendships–or might not, because they really are different things–but that the friendship still comes after the familial (including marital) relationship.

I hadn’t thought about adult child/parent relationships, but I think it’s possible for adult children to reach best friend status with their parent.

In any case, I agree that the best friend relationship shouldn’t become the defining factor in the relationship. Parent/child or spousal relationship comes first, BFF is in addition to those relationships.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hadn’t thought about adult child/parent relationships, but I think it’s possible for adult children to reach best friend status with their parent.

In any case, I agree that the best friend relationship shouldn’t become the defining factor in the relationship. Parent/child or spousal relationship comes first, BFF is in addition to those relationships.

Yes, I think so, too.

If your “friendship” with Mom wanes or goes through a rocky period, she’s still your mom, no matter what happens to your hope of “Best Friends Forever”. You have to expect that she’ll act as your mother in preference to acting as a friend, too. With regards to a spouse, the “friendship” may come and go, but you’re committed to them just as much on the days you could find yourself wondering what you were thinking when you married them as on the days they feel like the best friend anyone on the planet has ever had since the beginning of time. Even if the friendship far pre-dates even your courtship, the marriage is the bedrock relationship. Those vows put the relationship on a whole different plane.

 

[Lily0fthevalley]

That is how marriages last. I married my bestfriend and we share everything i mean EVERYTHING even the deepest secret that my own female bestfriend doesn’t know about. I see nothing wrong with it or anything “unhealthy” about it. When you are married to your bestfriend your marriage lasts because the couple are able to have that open communication where so many other married couples out there that i have been around are lacking, it’s no wonder divorce rates are so high. People just do not know how to talk. IMO

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I also cringe when someone says their mom (or the mom says that her child) is their best friend. I think that in that particular case, the parent/child relationship and the best friend relationship are mutually exclusive. This is because the parent has authority over the child. If the child doesn’t like the parents’ rules, too bad. (This is assuming that the child is still a minor living at home.) It’s not a parent’s job to be his/her child’s best friend. It’s the parent’s job to make the tough decisions in the best interest of the child.

That’s not so with spouses. Spouses are partners. They have equal footing in the relationship; not the same roles, but they have similar authority within the relationship. A best friend relationship in this case can strengthen the relationship between spouses. I don’t see them as being mutually exclusive, but I agree that a spouse is much more than a BFF.

Also, if the parent has descended to the level of a best friend, that says something about the parent, IMO. I would not consider it a compliment if one of my sons called me his “best friend.” I would think, “Hmmmm…something is wrong here.” I am and always will be, his MOTHER. Friends are on the same level. I have had, as you say, authority over him when he was young, and hopefully I now have more wisdom to offer him, because of our difference in ages as well as our separate roles (mother, son). I do not want my son to be my best friend. We can be close, even closer than friends, but I will never consider him my “best friend.”

There is just something a little off about adult children saying that a parent is their “best friend.” IMO that is.

 

[EasterJoy]

Also, if the parent has descended to the level of a best friend, that says something about the parent, IMO. I would not consider it a compliment if one of my sons called me his “best friend.” I would think, “Hmmmm…something is wrong here.” I am and always will be, his MOTHER…

I think this tends to happen with an adult child and the same-gender parent…you know, someone who understands “how hunting trips ought to be run” or “what really looks good in a quilt”, etc.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think this tends to happen with an adult child and the same-gender parent…you know, someone who understands “how hunting trips ought to be run” or “what really looks good in a quilt”, etc.

Yes, but still. The parent is the authority. The parent brings the wisdom. It is not an equal relationship. Friendship implies an equality in standing.

 

[may_by_the_bay]

No, I wouldn’t call my husband my best friend, but it’s a personal definition. I adoer him and I’m closer to him than anyone, but I don’t think the moniker “best friend” suits him, mostly because best friend, to me, tends to be more to someone of the same gender. That again is a personal def. My best friend is a woman my age, with whom I share my hobbies and interests that I wouldn’t enjoy with my husband. it isn’t that I love her more or anything. it’s just that I feel that’s it’s two seperate categories

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, but still. The parent is the authority. The parent brings the wisdom. It is not an equal relationship. Friendship implies an equality in standing.

Actually, once you’re grown up, the parent still has his or her permanent place of honor, but the parent had better get over the idea that they have the authority they had when you were a child. It does not work like that. Besides, it is not really true that as soon as someone has authority over you or you one-sidedly owe them something you can never repay, the friendship is over or the friendship can’t happen. If your friend is promoted and becomes your boss or if your friend saves your life, the friendship just has to negotiate that. The pre-existing parent-child relationship is something that an adult child-parent friendship has to negotiate in order for the friendship to exist.

Mind you, neither of my parents are what I’d call my friends. I don’t particularly confide in them and I socialize with them more out of familial affection than a truly shared set of interests. They don’t see things the way I do, we don’t challenge each other to think differently much, and that’s OK. They’re my parents. If they were to have become my friends, that would have been a happy coincidence, but it didn’t work out that way.

IMHO, of all the friendships that cannot be forced, adult friendships with parents and siblings top the list. Likewise, while spouses have to have some of the interpersonal skills that friends need to have, I think you can marry someone you would not call your “best friend” and still have a great marriage. It’s apples and oranges.

 

[EasterJoy]

On this topic, while I don’t think it is important whether you count your spouse as being the same relationship as those you count as your friends, I do think two things are important:

1. Ideally, the marriage needs the spouses to have strong emotional and social connections with someone outside the marriage, whether those are family members or friends. There needs to be room for the ups and downs of the marriage to run their course without plunging either spouse into isolation, desolation, loneliness or anxiety that forces the primary issue between the spouses prematurely. When that is not there, it is not a deal-breaker, but it is a great stress on the marriage. It is very dangerous to marry in order to fill the emotional void of having no other sustaining adult relationships. You should never ever marry someone who does not want you to have strong relatinoships outside the marriage.
2. Every friend of each spouse needs to be a friend of the marriage, if not an actual friend of the other spouse. No exceptions…and if none of your friends likes the person you’re going to marry, count that as a red flag about either the friends you’ve chosen, the fiance you’ve chosen, the relationship you’ve chosen to have with your family (or have had thrust upon you), or all of the above. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t marry someone your parents don’t like or someone your parents like but your friends don’t, but I cannot think of a reason you would marry someone when no one that you like and respect also likes and respects the person you want to marry. It may be a good reason to move to another state and start over, but I’d count to ten many times over before I rushed into such a marriage. Again, there are notable exceptions, you might choose to violate the rule and turn out to be right, but there are many many tragic stories when people have ignored that red flag. Proceed with great caution on that one.

If someone close to you will not be a friend of your marriage, there has to be some distance in terms of the kind of support you can accept from the person, even a parent. You might have to resign yourself to an employer who is less of a friend to your marriage than you would like, but the people you choose to socialize with and go to for emotional connection need to be friends of your marriage. That is so important.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Actually, once you’re grown up, the parent still has his or her permanent place of honor, but the parent had better get over the idea that they have the authority they had when you were a child. It does not work like that. Besides, it is not really true that as soon as someone has authority over you or you one-sidedly owe them something you can never repay, the friendship is over or the friendship can’t happen. If your friend is promoted and becomes your boss or if your friend saves your life, the friendship just has to negotiate that. The pre-existing parent-child relationship is something that an adult child-parent friendship has to negotiate in order for the friendship to exist.

Mind you, neither of my parents are what I’d call my friends. I don’t particularly confide in them and I socialize with them more out of familial affection than a truly shared set of interests. They don’t see things the way I do, we don’t challenge each other to think differently much, and that’s OK. They’re my parents. If they were to have become my friends, that would have been a happy coincidence, but it didn’t work out that way.

IMHO, of all the friendships that cannot be forced, adult friendships with parents and siblings top the list. Likewise, while spouses have to have some of the interpersonal skills that friends need to have, I think you can marry someone you would not call your “best friend” and still have a great marriage. It’s apples and oranges.

No, I didn’t meant they still have that authority…Not in the same way. But perhaps this is somewhat cultural…I tend to be “old-school” about social roles. The parent being older is always going to have more experience to draw from, more guidance to offer, more wisdom to share. As the child grows into an adult, of course the role of the parent shifts to more of a coach/mentor, and less of a benevolent dictator.

I can see how a now-grown child would say that his/her parent is “my best friend,” but what does the parent get out of that imbalanced relationship?

I don’t know, the whole idea of referring to these social roles, either spouse or parent, as a “best friend” just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m probably not explaining it well, but it’s something I can’t do. I don’t even have a “best friend” right now. I have a lot of friends, and a husband I love and respect, and kids I am growing to appreciate more as they become adult men, but “best friends” seems rather juvenile to me.

Maybe I’m just an old fart.



You kids get off my lawn!

 

[EvelynEVF]

I don’t know. I would have agreed with you, Juliane, but two of my four closest friends right now are women almost 20 years older than me. (and I grew up calling anyone ten years older than me, Mr or Mrs, even when I was 25 and they were 35!) They definitely have more life experience than I do, and are old enough to be my mother, but we really are equal friends. One woman is very definitely an equal. The other tries really hard to be and I just have trouble letting her down off her pedestal sometimes because she stepped firmly into my life when i really needed a protective mother figure.

I suppose there are exception to every rule.

That equal friend, btw, has got to be something really close to best friends with her own adult daughter. They have an amazing relationship. There is still a mother/daughter dynamic, but she has no trouble viewing her daughter as an independent adult, so they have that to anchor the friendship.