Spouse Dislikes Me

[penguin_pop]

Hello,

First post, infrequent visitor, currently in a mess. A week ago my spouse and I had a very heated and ugly argument. First in several months, but far from the first in our 15+ years together. Yesterday, after a week of no resolution, tension, and lots of bickering, I asked for time to talk. After all it was Sunday after Mass and seemed a good time. With the children outside, (we have 4 great kids), we talked leading to arguing leading to the following mess.

By the end, my wife told me that she and I would only be working together in order to keep the household in order and taking care of the kids. As for her and I, there would be nothing. She has come to dislike me, she said, and would be keeping her distance from me from now on. I suppose that would be emotional distance as we continue to live under the same roof.

This is far from how I feel. While loving her fully and wanting to be her best friend is a bit hard to comprehend right now, I would really like to work out our problems. When mentioning couples concealing, I was told “no” as she would just be telling whomever the same thing: “I no longer wish to deal with you” .

This being the day after, I find myself unable to think or concentrate at work. Besides pray, I have no idea what to do. What actions can one spouse take to help a hurting marriage under such circumstances? How do I remain happy enough to hold my head up with a smile around my kids while seeing my wife, who refuses to engage in even friendly conversation, out of the corner of my eye?

 

[juliasmith]

This may sound like a crazy idea but try the ideas in the movie ‘Fireproof’.

And I’ll be praying for you.

 

[1ke]

Retrouvaille is for troubled marriages. See if there is a retreat in your area. And, get her to go even if she says she will just sit like a lump on a log… you never know what will happen once you are there. Same with counseling.

Surely this didn’t just materialize after 15 years. This has been building a long time. Hopefully getting her to talk about it will get to the root of it.

 

[kristie_m]

This may sound like a crazy idea but try the ideas in the movie ‘Fireproof’.

And I’ll be praying for you.

I had the very same thought. The “love dare” book actually exists (because of the movie, I’m sure.) Also, retrovaille is an excellent idea. It’s particularly hard when one person seems to have already given up on the relationship. I’ll be praying for you both.

 

[whatevergirl]

*penguin, I’m sorry you’re going through this. But, while I believe that a retreat, etc could help, it won’t erase why your wife wants to avoid you…what has happened over the past year or so, do you think, that could be warranting this? Has she seemed distant? Has there been a change with HER, that has caused her to remove herself from you? When do you recall things changing? People don’t wake up out of the blue and tell their spouses…‘I don’t want to deal with you.’ Something HAD to have led up to this…whether or not you contibuted or not…something had to cause her to say those words.

I think that if she is not willing to go to therapy, then you have to keep talking with her. I would try to get her away, find some alone time, to discuss this. Again, something had to have triggered this…I hope you both can repair things. God bless, praying for your marriage. *

 

[Rascalking]

Start dating each other again. Leave love notes, buy flowers, talk about favorite songs.

As silly as it sounds, it just might work.

 

[kage_ar]

Retrouvaille is for troubled marriages. See if there is a retreat in your area. And, get her to go even if she says she will just sit like a lump on a log… you never know what will happen once you are there. Same with counseling.

Surely this didn’t just materialize after 15 years. This has been building a long time. Hopefully getting her to talk about it will get to the root of it.

Second this, get to Retrouvaille!

Visit with your Priest.

Check out www.exceptionalmarriages.com

There are many great Catholic resources for you.

 

[penguin_pop]

Thanks for all the replies. I’m grateful and surprised by all the thoughts and suggestions.

This may sound like a crazy idea but try the ideas in the movie ‘Fireproof’.

A devout Catholic couple who I admire once suggested this movie to me out of the blue while on the soccer field watching our kids. Seemed odd to me at the time, but maybe they had more insight than I know. I’ve placed a library hold request on the movie. Probably get it in a few days and most likely be watching it alone. I’ll look for the “love dare” book as well.

Retrouvaille is for troubled marriages. See if there is a retreat in your area. And, get her to go even if she says she will just sit like a lump on a log… you never know what will happen once you are there. Same with counseling.

I’ve found a chapter close with its next retreat in a couple of months. Hopefully, I’ll get the courage to ask about going soon. As a lot of things in our household, I’m guessing there will be much protest over the time commitment if nothing else. But after reviewing the website, it does look like something we need.

Start dating each other again. Leave love notes, buy flowers, talk about favorite songs

I tried the flower thing last week. Even included a little picture of a dog house with a big NO sign over it. Kids thought it was cute, but spouse didn’t even say thanks. Maybe I’ll try again after some cooling off time.

…what has happened over the past year or so, do you think, that could be warranting this?

You are right, of course. This is not a all-of-the-sudden thing, but has been building up for some time. Years. I doubt it is as much what has happened but in how it always seems to end. That is, too many of our disagreements turn in to very ugly fights leading to moments I very much regret and know my words and actions are far from the way God intends for me to live. To me, my spouse and I act in very similar manners, but I imagine to her, I am the one who always crosses the line.

 

[dulcissima]

Since your wife is just done and won’t cooperate in trying to fix your problems as a couple, I recommend going to individual counseling. That will help give you a better perspective. Right now you sound bewildered and are probably wondering what you’ve done so wrong to make her just sever things like this. Counseling will help you to get a better handle on whether the problem is in the way that you communicate with your wife or the way you treat her, or you might find that she is cutting you off like this because she is a controlling and emotionally abusive person. When you are in a mess like you are in now it is difficult to see things as they truly are. Getting some outside perspective from someone who is familiar with such patterns can give you a better idea of the larger picture…and therefore a better idea of the roadmap that will be needed to get yourself out of this mess.

 

[whatevergirl]

You are right, of course. This is not a all-of-the-sudden thing, but has been building up for some time. Years. I doubt it is as much what has happened but in how it always seems to end. That is, too many of our disagreements turn in to very ugly fights leading to moments I very much regret and know my words and actions are far from the way God intends for me to live. To me, my spouse and I act in very similar manners, but I imagine to her, I am the one who always crosses the line.

*Do you remember what happened years ago to start it? You can’t turn back the clock, but it’s never too late to go back to where it all began and start over. She of course has to be willing. It sounds crazy, but it could be as simple as you both needing a course on communicating better to each other…I remember when my dh and I used to argue way back when, and there were some hurtful things said…over time, a person becomes angry, then becomes numb. Your wife sounds indifferent or numb to you now. But, again, it can get turned around. I have the Love Dare book–it’s ok, but it sounds like you both need more help than that. It’s a book designed to helping couples who are willing to work on the marriage together. If your wife is unwilling, the book can be helpful if read by one spouse, but it’s best if both spouses are on board.

PS–I feel sad for you that the flowers didn’t help to diffuse the situation, but we are only hearing your side of the story. I don’t want to say anything negative about your wife’s response, as I don’t know her, and don’t know the surrounding details of why she is so angry with you. But, I will be praying for you guys.

PSS–I’d make an appt with your priest. If your wife refuses to go, it might help you.*

 

[Seatuck]

In addition to the other advice you should be praying daily, fasting and offering a sacrifice or mortification for your wife. Put a small pebble in you shoe perhaps and when you feel the discomfort offer it up for your wife and remember to pray for her.

Sorry for your troubles.

 

[Island_Oak]

You are far from alone. A friend & I were talking just this morning about the number of couples we know who are at the 15-18-20th year of their marriages and having a REALLY hard time. There are all sorts of things that contribute…but it is not necessarily reason to throw in the towel.

That said…I, for one, would advise you to back-off from your wife for a few days. She sounds very riled up and obviously from her reaction to the flowers, trite peace offererings aren’t going to get you anywhere now~nor should you reasonably expect them to. It sounds like some serious communication problems have been building for some time.

My concern, in addition to your marital relationship, is the impact on the kids. You both know you cannot function as a team when you’re barely able to stand being together. This will not be lost on the kids. Do your very best in the next few days to be around and be as helpful, positive and upbeat as you can around the kids…not phony…but they don’t need to be burdened with your conflict. Your genuine efforts to help keep things stable WILL reassure them and be noticed and appreciated by your wife–whether she says so or not. It’s also the right thing to do.

At some point you do need to circle around with your wife…maybe in a few days, maybe a week. Tell her you are not content to accept her suggestion that you continue functioning as co-parents, but not as a married couple. She should know that with or without her you will be seeking counseling and invite her (again) to join you so your FAMILY can be healed. (and then make sure you look into some family/marital counseling ASAP) You need to accept some responsibility for the problems you are having and communicate this to her, as well as making it clear that you expect her to deal with these issues in a healthy, constructive, mature way.

Best wishes. You have some hard work ahead and lots of young eyes watching to see how you handle this challenge.

 

[whm]

OP,

Keep trying eventually she will soften to your sincere efforts. For awhile anything I did annoyed my wife (granted I did something to give her good cause). I must of told her I loved her (and I did) thousands of time with weak or no response. Let me tell you the silent treatment is effective and painful. Eventually the little things like making the bed, doing the dishes without being asked, pickup up after the dogs as well as giving flowers, hugs etc. started to work. Once she noticed that I wasn’t faking it and doing these things out of love for her (and not just to get out of the dog house) things turned around. About nine months latter things are better between us than they ever were.

You know in my case, and a lot of men’s cases we are so dense we don’t realize things are going the wrong way. I for one didn’t realize how little things can be seen as a lack of love and disrespect by my wife. For example, I would criticize her spending or be irritable if she wanted me to move some plants around the yard. I would think nothing of these things, but in reality they made her feel like dirt. Another thing I did would tease her a little in front of relatives. Teasing may be okay when you are alone, but its a big no no in front of others, even if she dishes it back and appears to laugh. It was many little, stupid things, easily changeable things that built up over time. You know a lot of these types of things go both ways, women can be irritable and unthoughtful too, but I think it effects men and women differently. I had no idea how much these seemly little things (to me as the time) hurt my wife. Instead not understanding what was happening I went down the wrong path and hurt her (and myself) some more.

I don’t know anything about you of course and you may being doing these things already but here is my advice. You truly must die to yourself and live for God, your wife and your kids (in that order) Pray everyday before bed (rosary perhaps). Its your roll to be the spiritual leader. Don’t watch tv or use the computer by yourself. Hang out in the same room she is in. Read a book or talk about the kids together. Don’t watch sports, play sports in the yard with the kids. Tuck the kids in at night.

We are communicating honestly and much more freely now. Both of us are free of the irritability problems. Things that normally would cause anger or sadness now are a source of joy since we both recognize that we can work through things together as loving, mature adults.

One thing that helps me keep my balance is to remember that I am at least 51% (if not 99%) at fault for anything that ever happens. If I’m wrong about that it will be a pleasant surprise at the end of my days. In the meantime it really helps me to always have a healthy attitude and to never overreact or escalate a situation.

I will pray for you and your wife.

PS
Also, sigh up for a weekly holy hour of adoration. Almost all of my revelations about fixing my situation with my wife happened during adoration.

 

[timotheos]

Hello,

First post, infrequent visitor, currently in a mess. A week ago my spouse and I had a very heated and ugly argument. First in several months, but far from the first in our 15+ years together. Yesterday, after a week of no resolution, tension, and lots of bickering, I asked for time to talk. After all it was Sunday after Mass and seemed a good time. With the children outside, (we have 4 great kids), we talked leading to arguing leading to the following mess.

By the end, my wife told me that she and I would only be working together in order to keep the household in order and taking care of the kids. As for her and I, there would be nothing. She has come to dislike me, she said, and would be keeping her distance from me from now on. I suppose that would be emotional distance as we continue to live under the same roof.

This is far from how I feel. While loving her fully and wanting to be her best friend is a bit hard to comprehend right now, I would really like to work out our problems. When mentioning couples concealing, I was told “no” as she would just be telling whomever the same thing: “I no longer wish to deal with you” .

This being the day after, I find myself unable to think or concentrate at work. Besides pray, I have no idea what to do. What actions can one spouse take to help a hurting marriage under such circumstances? How do I remain happy enough to hold my head up with a smile around my kids while seeing my wife, who refuses to engage in even friendly conversation, out of the corner of my eye?

Penguin,

Is your wife non-Catholic, Catholic-in-name-only, or fully-converted believing Catholic?

Important to know where you are starting from.

Tim

 

[pattynicole]

My concern, in addition to your marital relationship, is the impact on the kids. You both know you cannot function as a team when you’re barely able to stand being together. This will not be lost on the kids. Do your very best in the next few days to be around and be as helpful, positive and upbeat as you can around the kids…not phony…but they don’t need to be burdened with your conflict. Your genuine efforts to help keep things stable WILL reassure them and be noticed and appreciated by your wife–whether she says so or not. It’s also the right thing to do.

This is such excellent advice! Though my husband has never said those exact words (but others just as hurtful) it is obvious that from time to time he feels them. During these times I cannot talk to him, sometimes for a couple of weeks and then just barely cordially. Certainly I am no saint but I believe his reaction is over the top. What do you do?

Pray that God will give you the words and the moment for the discussion. Don’t rush it. It may take weeks…or longer! Right now every word said in that argument is flashing at you in big neon letters and it is hard to pick through to the really vital parts (over time you will see that many parts are just words said to get a reaction).

“Act” normal for the children. Continue to love them, discipline them, teach them, feed them etc… Never say anything disrespectful to them about the other parent. Pretend that life is good. And life is good. God our awesome creator knows all that is going on. He wants you to draw close to HIM. Pray the rosary, pick a novena (I like the one to hopeless cases myself).

Does this change my husbands feelings? Not but it does change me. It opens up the big picture of why I am here. It has given me such an awesome relationship with God, a yearning to be closer to God, a need to be connected to Mary and all the martyrs and all the saints. Something I would have never gotten if I lived the fairy tale with my spouse. For this I love my spouse more. I love our children as much as he does. I recognize that those children (as much as it irks me at times) love their Daddy to the ends of the world and back.

My favorite most comforting part of the Mass right now is when the priest says…"…and lead us from all anxiety until we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our savior, Jesus Christ". Got that? ALL ANXIETY.

This will not fix today. Don’t try to fix it today. Be calm, be normal, BE NICE (don’t go over board with the flowers - really you are just setting up for more punishment). Do other things (make dinner for the kids, put the kids to bed, something extra but small).

Is it easy to be calm and act normal? No, but it is worth it.

Fasten your seat belts, God is in the driver’s seat!

 

[KCT]

Did she say why she no longer wants to deal with you? If she can tell you honestly what her complaints are, you can work on them.

 

[stbruno]

retrouvaille.org/ sounds like your situation needs some professional attention like what Retrouvaille can provide. With all things, keep praying!

 

[Sr_Sally]

PS
Also, sigh up for a weekly holy hour of adoration. Almost all of my revelations about fixing my situation with my wife happened during adoration.

This is EXCELLENT advice. I second and third it! Also, look for the website for the Ephesians 5 Men. It is an organization of men dedicated to praying for their wives. Pray FOR her (not that she will change to be the way you want her, which is really praying for you), pray for your children and your family. Your prayers will not be in vain.

I will also be praying for you.

 

[Joseph629]

Not knowing both sides of the story makes it very difficult to advise. What works for one situation may be the last thing needed in another. As an ex-therapist I can only tell you what could/might be helpful here:
Let’s look at what the situation is at the moment. It sounds like (from your description) that your wife is at a point of deep anger, almost rage toward you. Being in her presence everyday MAY, -I don’t know know your situation again-, MAY only fume her anger. I have advised some couples to spend a little time -a few days-, apart. Being NOT in her presence MAY help her just enough to do some sub-conscious reflecting. And if you do this, DON’T call it a little seperation, -for the kids sake. Do you have someone to visit out of town, relative etc. Work-related? But I do not recommend you do this without talking to her. Such as: “Honey, would you feel better if I went to my sister’s for 3-4 days?, -Give us each a little breathing space?”

This has worked wonders in the past, BUT, only if it’s what you two need. Without being there, it’s just another suggestion that I’m throwing your way. I will pray for you. -Oh, and if this happens, maybe a very short phone call for the kids’ sake each eve that you’re away, and maybe, just maybe she’ll cool down to begin a small dialogue on the phone. God bless you.

 

[penguin_pop]

I want to, again, thank everyone for their prayers and replies. It has helped in putting things back in perspective.

Putting the kids first has also made this experience much easier. While intentionally making sure not to do anything unusual, I have been spending more time on our normal nightly fun stuff (for example - chasing fireflies)

Now for an update: An unfortunate event may have been a God given blessing to our family. One evening earlier this week, something caused most of the family to become ill. Bad beef is suspected. All but myself and the youngest began losing the contents of their stomach in various ways. By the next morning, I could see it was going to be a hard day for everyone once I left for work. I asked my wife if she needed me to stay home. She didn’t care. I knew better, so I did. The littlest one and I had a great day doing everything together, keeping him out of everyone’s hair. I also played nurse maid to the others. By the next day, my wife was feeling better and talking in a much more friendly manner, much like the way it was before this whole incident occurred.

On top of this, today she received some very good news that has greatly reduced her stress. She even called me at work to let me know. So for now the fire seems to be out.

I don’t want to let this be an excuse to just let things go ‘back to normal’. In a couple of weeks or so, I still want to bring up the idea of the Retrouvaille retreat. I now feel there is a chance she and I both want to fix our communication efforts.

Today, however, I am glad to say that the family is doing OK after the ‘Bad Beef Blessing’.