Spouse doesn't want Kids

[thecone137]

I’ve been happily married to my wife for about four years, and we have been talking about kids on and off for about the same amount of years. We are now approaching our 34th birthdays, and I am slowly getting the feeling of now or never. When I bring up the subject nowadays, the response I get is that she is not ready/ it is too high risk (she has a heart condition but doctors gave her clearance for bearing children). I would be content with waiting if I we weren’t so old, and I also fear that she will never “be ready”. I feel somewhat trapped between a rock and a hard place; I don’t want to leave her or guilt her into having children, but I am not entirely sure that it’s fair to make vows and not be open to having children.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
Can anyone offer advice as to how to proceed?
What are my options?

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Did you talk about this before you were married? Is this a new attitude of hers or has she always felt this way?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’ve been happily married to my wife for about four years, and we have been talking about kids on and off for about the same amount of years. We are now approaching our 34th birthdays, and I am slowly getting the feeling of now or never. When I bring up the subject nowadays, the response I get is that she is not ready/ it is too high risk (she has a heart condition but doctors gave her clearance for bearing children). I would be content with waiting if I we weren’t so old, and I also fear that she will never “be ready”. I feel somewhat trapped between a rock and a hard place; I don’t want to leave her or guilt her into having children, but I am not entirely sure that it’s fair to make vows and not be open to having children.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
Can anyone offer advice as to how to proceed?
What are my options?

How have you been avoiding children up to now? Did you have a Catholic Marriage and agree to accept children lovingly from God? Did she have this aversion to children when she married or is this a new development? What did you discuss about this before marriage?

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve been happily married to my wife for about four years, and we have been talking about kids on and off for about the same amount of years. We are now approaching our 34th birthdays, and I am slowly getting the feeling of now or never. When I bring up the subject nowadays, the response I get is that she is not ready/ it is too high risk (she has a heart condition but doctors gave her clearance for bearing children). I would be content with waiting if I we weren’t so old, and I also fear that she will never “be ready”. I feel somewhat trapped between a rock and a hard place; I don’t want to leave her or guilt her into having children, but I am not entirely sure that it’s fair to make vows and not be open to having children.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
Can anyone offer advice as to how to proceed?
What are my options?

Make sure you are socializing with people who are having babies right now and are your age. There’s nothing like the peer effect of, “All my friends have BABIES and I waaaant one!”

Also, could you carry the household expenses if your wife has to go on bedrest with her heart issues? Talk about it.

Good luck!

 

[nodito]

Are you currently contracepting or using NFP? If the former, I’d recommend switching to NFP as a first step towards more closely aligning your marriage with God’s plans for your lives. This plan may or may not include children, but the sin of contraception can mask what He’s trying to say to you and your wife.

Also, commit to praying for your wife. The prospect of pregnancy can be scary, and she’ll need your spiritual support and prayers.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I’ve been happily married to my wife for about four years, and we have been talking about kids on and off for about the same amount of years. We are now approaching our 34th birthdays, and I am slowly getting the feeling of now or never. When I bring up the subject nowadays, the response I get is that she is not ready/ it is too high risk (she has a heart condition but doctors gave her clearance for bearing children). I would be content with waiting if I we weren’t so old, and I also fear that she will never “be ready”. I feel somewhat trapped between a rock and a hard place; I don’t want to leave her or guilt her into having children, but I am not entirely sure that it’s fair to make vows and not be open to having children.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
Can anyone offer advice as to how to proceed?
What are my options?

You need to talk to a Catholic marriage counselor or your parish priest. I don’t see how you can be partaking of the privilages of marriage all this time and not have children. I’m making no judgments, but you need reliable catholic, professional advice.

Pax
Linus2nd

 

[thecone137]

Did you talk about this before you were married? Is this a new attitude of hers or has she always felt this way?

We did and she frequently talked about having kids, so I assumed she was open to it. She did ALOT of babysitting/raising other peoples’ children in her twenties, and she admits now that the experiences “burned her out”.

 

[thecone137]

How have you been avoiding children up to now? Did you have a Catholic Marriage and agree to accept children lovingly from God? Did she have this aversion to children when she married or is this a new development? What did you discuss about this before marriage?

Contraception(I’ve been to Confession and it’s been over for months now). It was a Sacramental Marriage. I think she got burned out in her twenties from raising other people’s children. She frequently talked about having children in her twenties, so I assumed she was open to it.

 

[thecone137]

Make sure you are socializing with people who are having babies right now and are your age. There’s nothing like the peer effect of, “All my friends have BABIES and I waaaant one!”

Also, could you carry the household expenses if your wife has to go on bedrest with her heart issues? Talk about it.

Good luck!

Funny you mention that, because she is ALWAYS buying baby gifts for her friends (?!?)

Yes, I could handle the financials.

 

[thecone137]

Are you currently contracepting or using NFP? If the former, I’d recommend switching to NFP as a first step towards more closely aligning your marriage with God’s plans for your lives. This plan may or may not include children, but the sin of contraception can mask what He’s trying to say to you and your wife.

Also, commit to praying for your wife. The prospect of pregnancy can be scary, and she’ll need your spiritual support and prayers.

We were contracepting the rare times we did do anything, but that has been over for months now. We both grew up abstaining from sex before marriage, and so it’s very easy to just, well, abstain now.

Don’t you think the willingness needs to be present before NFP can begin?

I do and will continue to pray. I try to engage her in religious discussion from time to time.

 

[thecone137]

You need to talk to a Catholic marriage counselor or your parish priest. I don’t see how you can be partaking of the privilages of marriage all this time and not have children. I’m making no judgments, but you need reliable catholic, professional advice.

Pax
Linus2nd

Thanks. That’s probably the next logical step, but I just wanted to get a second opinion before opening that can of worms. I want her to be willing out of her own heart and not just because someone else says so.

I read that some people get married and live like a Josephite marriage(in abstinence), so no children is not wrong when both agree to it.

 

[KnitNut]

When I bring up the subject nowadays, the response I get is that she is not ready/ it is too high risk (she has a heart condition but doctors gave her clearance for bearing children).

I’m not going to offer any advice about what you should do - there are plenty of Roman Catholics here to help with that. But as a heart patient myself, I completely understand her hesitation. In my case, my heart doc told me the same thing, “Have all the kids you want! Have a dozen!” Yet while pregnant with my first, that very complication happened…and since then I have nearly died 3 times, had 3 emergency (and I mean emergency) open heart surgeries, barely dodged the transplant list…and now face additional surgeries down the road. I’m also in permanent heart failure. Yes, I’ve had children…but at a tremendous price to my health, and to my family. I only hope I live long enough to see my youngest, now 5, to adulthood.

So please don’t dismiss her concerns as “nothing”…even though her heart doc gave her the green light, she’s still high risk, and there may be very unpleasant, life-altering consequences. I know how she feels. And I’m really lucky to still be alive. As much as I love my kids, it’s a daunting price to pay.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not going to offer any advice about what you should do - there are plenty of Roman Catholics here to help with that. But as a heart patient myself, I completely understand her hesitation. In my case, my heart doc told me the same thing, “Have all the kids you want! Have a dozen!” Yet while pregnant with my first, that very complication happened…and since then I have nearly died 3 times, had 3 emergency (and I mean emergency) open heart surgeries, barely dodged the transplant list…and now face additional surgeries down the road. I’m also in permanent heart failure. Yes, I’ve had children…but at a tremendous price to my health, and to my family. I only hope I live long enough to see my youngest, now 5, to adulthood.

So please don’t dismiss her concerns as “nothing”…even though her heart doc gave her the green light, she’s still high risk, and there may be very unpleasant, life-altering consequences. I know how she feels. And I’m really lucky to still be alive. As much as I love my kids, it’s a daunting price to pay.

That’s a very good point.

 

[heidi_storage]

I’m not going to offer any advice about what you should do - there are plenty of Roman Catholics here to help with that. But as a heart patient myself, I completely understand her hesitation. In my case, my heart doc told me the same thing, “Have all the kids you want! Have a dozen!” Yet while pregnant with my first, that very complication happened…and since then I have nearly died 3 times, had 3 emergency (and I mean emergency) open heart surgeries, barely dodged the transplant list…and now face additional surgeries down the road. I’m also in permanent heart failure. Yes, I’ve had children…but at a tremendous price to my health, and to my family. I only hope I live long enough to see my youngest, now 5, to adulthood.

So please don’t dismiss her concerns as “nothing”…even though her heart doc gave her the green light, she’s still high risk, and there may be very unpleasant, life-altering consequences. I know how she feels. And I’m really lucky to still be alive. As much as I love my kids, it’s a daunting price to pay.

Then the issue needs to be worked out now; pregnancy does become more complicated with age, even aside from heart issues. It sounds like she really doesn’t want children, period; OP, in what direction will you go if she admits that?

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I’ve been happily married to my wife for about four years, and we have been talking about kids on and off for about the same amount of years. We are now approaching our 34th birthdays, and I am slowly getting the feeling of now or never. When I bring up the subject nowadays, the response I get is that she is not ready/ it is too high risk (she has a heart condition but doctors gave her clearance for bearing children). I would be content with waiting if I we weren’t so old, and I also fear that she will never “be ready”. I feel somewhat trapped between a rock and a hard place; I don’t want to leave her or guilt her into having children, but I am not entirely sure that it’s fair to make vows and not be open to having children.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
Can anyone offer advice as to how to proceed?
What are my options?

Consider adoption.

 

[marymary1975]

I read that some people get married and live like a Josephite marriage(in abstinence), so no children is not wrong when both agree to it.

This is not exactly as you are saying. A josephite marriage marriage is something that needs to be done under strict spiritual guidance and the couple must have a spiritual director and the spiritual director must approve it and the spiritual director need to be heavily involved. It is not that if we both agree to no children and for that purpose we decide to abstain then is OK. That is contraceptive mentality and is not OK. From what I am reading your situation is not close to a josephite marriage. You mention that it was a sacramental marriage. Did the priest asked her if she was open to have children? At the moment of marriage both parties have to be open to children so the priest always asks straight to each person if they are open to children. It surprises me that you say you assumed that she was open to children.

I think you probably need to speak to a counselor and to a priest about this.