Spouse filed for divorce

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StRitaPrayForUs

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After many years and one child, my wife filed for divorce. she is a lapsed Catholic with no interest in returning to the Church.,

She will not consider counseling etc.

She insists that a young child, even a young boy of 7, will be “just fine” with divorce if both parents are committed to loving them, never speaking ill of the other spouse, etc.

When I point out to evidence that young boys have a horrible time with it and act out, she merely shrugs and says she will deal with it but he will be fine.

Our Lady of Sorrows, St. Joseph, St. Paul, St. Rita, St. Jude, St. Martha, St. Gianna Beretta Molla, Blessed John Paul the Great, Blessed Mother Theresa, pray for us!
 
I am so sorry. I could tell her of all the troubles my husband had, because his parents divorced. He turned his back on God because he prayed for them not to divorce, but God didn’t fulfill his prayer. He asked God to send HIM to hell instead of his parents (what a horrible pain he must have suffered to make such a request). This was in the 1970’s when divorce itself was considered a mortal sin.

My husband still is angry at God. He is now 55 and has not helped our sons be good Catholics because he himself does not believe in God in any real way. Yes, I would say that his parents divorce affected him greatly. 😦

Of course this will affect your son. I am just so sorry. I will add you to my prayers.
 
StRitaPrayForUs said:
After many years and one child, my wife filed for divorce. she is a lapsed Catholic with no interest in returning to the Church.,

She will not consider counseling etc.

She insists that a young child, even a young boy of 7, will be “just fine” with divorce if both parents are committed to loving them, never speaking ill of the other spouse, etc.

When I point out to evidence that young boys have a horrible time with it and act out, she merely shrugs and says she will deal with it but he will be fine.

Our Lady of Sorrows, St. Joseph, St. Paul, St. Rita, St. Jude, St. Martha, St. Gianna Beretta Molla, Blessed John Paul the Great, Blessed Mother Theresa, pray for us!
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Well, everyone’s situation is different. You need to understand-- once you and your wife divorce the kids will look to your actions, not your words. They will judge and assess you not by what you say, but by what you do. They will know that an extremely solemn vow is being broken. My son made me tell him word for word what our marriage vows were than pointed out neither my wife nor I were dead. What gave either of us the right to break that promise? Who was deciding to break that promise? We’d told him it was a mom/dad mutual thing to keep from biasing him. He figured it out quickly though.

At best, he will learn to cope. He will never heal from it. It’s like someone going blind or having a limb amputated, they will learn to adapt but they will never be the same. Get full custody and allow her to visit. Get him around aunts, grandmothers, or other women who can be trusted to uphold their vows and keep their families together. Women who will partially mitigate the damage she will be doing and how she will be defining women to him.
  • Untrustworthy, unstable creatures incapable of commitment, trust or devoid of the ability to feel loyalty and act on it. It’s how my son sees his mother. He loves her, he doesn’t trust her, he makes allowances for her. But he holds his grandmothers in extremely high regard and looks to them as what he can hope for in a wife in the future. Unfortunately though, the fundamental archetype which defines how a male sees women is his mother. Many of my kids male friends from divorced homes truly hate their mothers, it’s very sad to hear them talk.
Why should you have custody? Well, she’s shown she’s willing to hurt her child at a fundamental level. She will be willing to allow him to be hurt for what she thinks is in her own self-interest. She is the perfect target for a pedophile to take advantage of and gain access to your son. A woman who’s shown a willingness to hurt their own child out of selfishness.

Plan on staying single for a long time and having custody of your son. Mine is now 13, feels very insecure at times, still crawls into bed with me some nights when it’s particularly bad.

I will pray for you and yours.
 
I am so sorry.:(😦

I have no advice, but I have said a quick prayer for you.
 
I would say to continue to pray for her, and do your very best to always be kind in word to her around your children. My parents were never married, and as I grew up my mother often slandered my father, so I grew up with a very negative image of him, which only hurt the both of us when I came to live with him. I would suggest trying your best to salvage the relationship, and if you cannot, then to simply make the best of it. I am praying for you.
 
Many thanks Juliane and everyone for your prayers. Styrg your post is amazing. I read it over several times.

Her argument is that if we stayed together for the child and then divorced when he was 18 he would feel horribly guilty about that…I looked at her incredulously about how it’s going to affect him NOW.

She just says he’ll cope. Other than that, you can write the script, it’s all “he said, she said”, years and years of resentment on both sides. She expects me to completely agree to her terms and will flip out when I don’t. And when I point out research that shows he will act out, she has “counter research”, strangely it all corresponds to her secular world view.

Thanks again, it’s been months and months of this and it’s all coming to a head. I have noticed when I pray for strength, I don’t get an amazing B12 shot of energy…I get just enough to get by, and I am supremely grateful for that. Without Catholicism, it would be the utmost despair.
styrgwillidar said:
Well, everyone’s situation is different. You need to understand-- once you and your wife divorce the kids will look to your actions, not your words. They will judge and assess you not by what you say, but by what you do. They will know that an extremely solemn vow is being broken. My son made me tell him word for word what our marriage vows were than pointed out neither my wife nor I were dead. What gave either of us the right to break that promise? Who was deciding to break that promise? We’d told him it was a mom/dad mutual thing to keep from biasing him. He figured it out quickly though.

At best, he will learn to cope. He will never heal from it. It’s like someone going blind or having a limb amputated, they will learn to adapt but they will never be the same. Get full custody and allow her to visit. Get him around aunts, grandmothers, or other women who can be trusted to uphold their vows and keep their families together. Women who will partially mitigate the damage she will be doing and how she will be defining women to him.
  • Untrustworthy, unstable creatures incapable of commitment, trust or devoid of the ability to feel loyalty and act on it. It’s how my son sees his mother. He loves her, he doesn’t trust her, he makes allowances for her. But he holds his grandmothers in extremely high regard and looks to them as what he can hope for in a wife in the future. Unfortunately though, the fundamental archetype which defines how a male sees women is his mother. Many of my kids male friends from divorced homes truly hate their mothers, it’s very sad to hear them talk.
Why should you have custody? Well, she’s shown she’s willing to hurt her child at a fundamental level. She will be willing to allow him to be hurt for what she thinks is in her own self-interest. She is the perfect target for a pedophile to take advantage of and gain access to your son. A woman who’s shown a willingness to hurt their own child out of selfishness.

Plan on staying single for a long time and having custody of your son. Mine is now 13, feels very insecure at times, still crawls into bed with me some nights when it’s particularly bad.

I will pray for you and yours.
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StRitaPrayforUs,

Don’t get disheartened. Again, I don’t know your situation and may (probably am) projecting too much of my own experience onto your situation. Your wife may be being driven by different things than my now legally ex-wife. I don’t know how each of you have contributed to where you are at as a couple.

The problem with projecting into the future what your son will do at 18 is you can make arguments either way. A lot depends on what you each do. While neither my legally ex-wife or I said anything bad about each other, talk’s cheap and whiskey costs money. Your son is going to observe what each of you do and come to his own conclusions.

My mom’s best friend was killed by her son after he turned 18 because he harbored so much resentment and anger towards her over the breakup of his family. That’s the other extreme.

You will have to support your son having whatever kind of relationship he can with his mother. Let him sort it out for himself and not get in the way of it. It’s very easy to want to ‘shield’ your child from things out of the best of intentions. Problem is, down the road he may blame your interference for causing a bad relationship with his mom. My ex’s course of action showed my kids how she felt about them as well as me. Made it virtually impossible for them to visit in her home as it had driven them into depression. She ended up visiting them in my home, I would absent myself every other weekend during the day and one night a week. She stopped visiting on the weekends and now just comes by a couple of nights a week and to drive them to school in the mornings.

Just before the separation she told me that if I ever got between her and the kids she’d ruin me. But as time went on she distanced herself more and more.

Don’t give up on your marriage, keep praying, keep a level head and try to find enjoyment in every little thing you can. Even things as simple as the ability to take a deep breath, or sun on your skin. Do not let the negatives overwhelm you or your ability to find and appreciate the positives. Thank God always, whatever happens with your marriage, do not ever express regret for it, because without your marriage your son would not exist.
 
My prayers for you in your heartbreaking loss and fears.
May God protect your son from all harm and give him the graces and experiences to grow into a balanced, secure, faith-filled man, because ‘God can write straight with crooked lines’
jesusourshepherd.org/m090111.php
 
Dear StRitaPrayForUs,
I am so sorry to hear this and will pray very hard for you and your wife and son.

Please don’t lose heart, no matter what happens. In this world, God allows free will. In the meantime, if you have done all you can do, and let your son know how beloved he is to you and to His Heavenly Father, then God will work in and through your faith. This is a hard time for you, I know, and so I will keep praying for you.:gopray::signofcross::gopray2:

Is there no chance she will see a priest with you? If not, you can go and speak to him. :highprayer:I pray that you are surrounded by loving friends. Sometimes there are miracles in the lives of families facing such challenges. If your wife goes her way and will not remain, I pray that your Faith and your parish friends will be a great source of comfort to you and your son.

May God watch over you,
Kathryn Ann:heaven:
 
StRitaPrayForUs said:
After many years and one child, my wife filed for divorce. she is a lapsed Catholic with no interest in returning to the Church.,

She will not consider counseling etc.

She insists that a young child, even a young boy of 7, will be “just fine” with divorce if both parents are committed to loving them, never speaking ill of the other spouse, etc.

When I point out to evidence that young boys have a horrible time with it and act out, she merely shrugs and says she will deal with it but he will be fine.

Our Lady of Sorrows, St. Joseph, St. Paul, St. Rita, St. Jude, St. Martha, St. Gianna Beretta Molla, Blessed John Paul the Great, Blessed Mother Theresa, pray for us!
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Lord, hear our prayers.
 
StRitaPrayForUs said:
After many years and one child, my wife filed for divorce. she is a lapsed Catholic with no interest in returning to the Church.,
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I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is extremely painful for all involved, and even though she may not show it, it is probably painful for her as well. This past Saturday marked one year since my wife told me she was divorcing me. It was Holy Thursday of last year, I came home and was getting ready for mass when she told me. I was absolutely devastated. We had been married for almost 11 years, have 5 daughters that were ages 9 and under at the time, and while we had been having issues in our marriage, I had just chalked this up to the normal dark periods that occur in marriages.

I will give you this advice. Seek out a spiritual counselor to strengthen you during this time. As difficult as the first few months were for me, I can’t imagine having gone through it without my wonderful friends from Church, my priest, and obviously, my God. Regardless of the way she may act towards you, never retaliate. It will only make the situation worse, and will have an adverse affect on your child.

My wife made no secret to the children, our friends, strangers on the street, that she was leaving me and was happy about it. While this obviously greatly hurt me, it hurt me even more to have her act this way in front of our daughters. In the case of my children, the oldest one prayed and prayed, and even asked my why God wasn’t granting her prayers. My 7 year old also prayed, but was mostly just silent, which is not like her. My 5 year old basically just shut down and retreated into a shell for a while. My 4 year old twins were basically oblivious to the divorce, but just saw that daddy was sad and mommy was mad.

A year later, my daughters have “adjusted” and I am doing all I can to stress to them that I love them, and that God loves them even more. The advice given earlier to make sure that they see women that take their vow/word/faith seriously is important and can’t be over stated. My daughters love their mother, but they also understand even at their young age, that mommy’s friends are not like daddy’s friends.

Also, do what you can to make sure that you are the primary custodian and that you can maintain as much stability as possible for your son. While you have no control over the actions/decisions of your wife, you can do your best to try to minimize the impact these decisions may have on your child. It may seem cold, but to put it bluntly, someone has to be the adult in situations like this. For me, I gave in on areas of requiring counseling, gave a bigger portion of our financial assets, etc., to make sure that I got primary custody.

I will also tell you, that if she is unwilling to go to counseling, to talk with your priest, etc., then move forward as quickly as you can with the divorce proceedings. Prolonging this, will only make your relationship worse and your lawyers rich.

That being said, I will pray that your marriage be saved and that God heals whatever has caused this division in your family. My prayers are with you and I hope to see a post from you that you are now back together and happily married. However, you must be practical and assume this won’t happen and protect your child as much as possible.

Pax Christi,

Alfredo
 
I am so very sorry my heart bleeds for you. I wonder if there is any way that she might agree to a temporary separation? That worked for my parents…it wasn’t exactly temporary - about 2-3 years. I will never forget the day my father walked out I can see it as if it were happening right now and that was 30 + years ago. They were both to blame but back then the English courts in their wisdom would not allow a divorce immediately so they had to remain married but separated. My mother insisted on me having a relationship with my father even though I did not want it. She forced me to visit him and at first I hated it. The patience and loyalty that my mother showed me by never giving up is why I believe that my marriage of 20+ years is super strong today because I vowed that when I married it would be for life " till death do us part" and I talked with my boyfriend about that before we got engaged …it was the same for him. That has been the glue that has kept us through the tough times despite the fact that I went through a 'broken family ’ situation.
I agree with those who have said that the way YOU behave is extremely important to your son. I highly recommend watching the movie Courageous. It is fiction but the point is men need to be in their children’s lives and be a good role model.
 
Thank you Maryann and particularly Alfredo for advice and prayers. As wel as to all I didn’t mention. No, Maryann here in the Western U.S. it’s quite secular and a “done deal” pretty much if one party wants to do it. It might take a year to get through it but that’s that.

Thanks so much.
Maryann_C said:
I am so very sorry my heart bleeds for you. I wonder if there is any way that she might agree to a temporary separation? That worked for my parents…it wasn’t exactly temporary - about 2-3 years. I will never forget the day my father walked out I can see it as if it were happening right now and that was 30 + years ago. They were both to blame but back then the English courts in their wisdom would not allow a divorce immediately so they had to remain married but separated. My mother insisted on me having a relationship with my father even though I did not want it. She forced me to visit him and at first I hated it. The patience and loyalty that my mother showed me by never giving up is why I believe that my marriage of 20+ years is super strong today because I vowed that when I married it would be for life " till death do us part" and I talked with my boyfriend about that before we got engaged …it was the same for him. That has been the glue that has kept us through the tough times despite the fact that I went through a 'broken family ’ situation.
I agree with those who have said that the way YOU behave is extremely important to your son. I highly recommend watching the movie Courageous. It is fiction but the point is men need to be in their children’s lives and be a good role model.
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