Spouse in the Dog House

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elohimrules

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Ok, just wanting to blow off some steam. I have been unemployed since Dec. and cashing out my retirement just to pay my husband and I’s bills to survive. He is employed full time. Without my knowledge he has been taking money out of his checking acct purchasing car stuff on Ebay to as he says “make his car look cool.”

I got records for the past two mo from his checking and it adds up to $2,000! I thought it was strange he did not have enough to contribute to rent, and that my retirement money was going so fast! Not only has he spent continuously behind my back, he has bounced his account prob 15x in past few months. He knew his “time was short” because I kept getting notices that he has bounced his acct in the mail so I asked for his debit card and for access to his accout as I was “going to take over the finances.” He agreed he hasnt been good and said he didn’t want to show it to me because he might have spent $40 and he was embarassed. Finally he let me into the acct and woooahhh! $40 I wish, more like 2k in the past two months while I pay all the bills! I have barely spent anything on myself as I know we are in deep. To put icing on the cake he knew he would get caught soon and his acct was out so he took my card yesterday took out $60 cash and got a $30 car wash for his car!

Now, I have only enough money left for one or two months and then will no longer be able to pay the bills. I have greater debt than him a credit card bill (partly due to paying his car repairs, and rent) and a big student loan. If I do not pay for these things they will baloon out in interest, etc. I need to protect myself as he is sinking us. Please pray that I will be able to successfully keep money from him, and protect what I have left of assets and pride. Thank you.

He does have ADD but I have told him that is not a reasonable excuse. He has medication and has counselors and this was continually going behind my back decieving me and taking advantage. To make matters worse we could never afford an engagement ring and I have ALWAYS wanted one. So I had put a little jar in the kitchen which I would put bottle money into it in hopes to someday have 2k to buy a ring. Well, needless to say he was not even kind enough to put a stolen dime in my can. I threw away the can I no longer want a ring. All he said last night was “so I lied, deal with it, what are you going to do, leave?” I said " No I am your wife I am not leaving, but it doesn’t mean I have to like you right now or even trust you." He has to deal with the consiquences of his actions…ok, thanks again for letting me blow steam. God bless.
 
Your husband’s problems are severe and you both need serious counseling.

It is not normal for a married person to spend significant amounts of money behind the other’s back, or to make unnecessary purchases when the budget is tight.

I will pray for you!
 
elohimrules said:
…All he said last night was “so I lied, deal with it, what are you going to do, leave?” I said " No I am your wife I am not leaving, but it doesn’t mean I have to like you right now or even trust you."
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Wow. God bless you.:clapping:
 
elohimrules said:
Ok, just wanting to blow off some steam.probably not the best place to do this… I have been unemployed since Dec. and cashing out my retirement just to pay my husband and I’s bills to survive. He is employed full time. So he is working and you are not? Without my knowledge he has been taking money out of his checking acct purchasing car stuff on Ebay to as he says “make his car look cool.” Probably not smart on his part…

I got records for the past two mo from his checking and it adds up to $2,000! I thought it was strange he did not have enough to contribute to rent,You pay rent separately? and that my retirement money was going so fast! Not only has he spent continuously behind my back, he has bounced his account prob 15x in past few months.He sounds bad with money He knew his “time was short” because I kept getting notices that he has bounced his acct in the mail so I asked for his debit card and for access to his accout An account that you have to ask for access to? Hmmmmas I was “going to take over the finances.” He agreed he hasnt been good and said he didn’t want to show it to me because he might have spent $40 and he was embarassed. Finally he let me into the acctSounds like it is not a joint account. Why is that? and woooahhh! $40 I wish, more like 2k in the past two months while I pay all the bills! I have barely spent anything on myself as I know we are in deep. Well…except for internet usage to complain about this…😉 To put icing on the cake he knew he would get caught soon and his acct was out so he took my card yesterday took out $60 cash and got a $30 car wash for his car!I have always heard it said confession is like going to a car wash!

Now, I have only enough money left for one or two months and then will no longer be able to pay the bills. I have greater debt than him a credit card bill (partly due to paying his car repairs, and rent)Is it joint debt? and a big student loan.The good thing is you went to school so now you can find employment If I do not pay for these things they will baloon out in interest, etc. I need to protect myself as he is sinking us. Please pray that I will be able to successfully keep money from himYou want us to pray that you keep money from someone?, and protect what I have left of assets and pride. Thank you.

He does have ADD but I have told him that is not a reasonable excuse. True He has medication and has counselors and this was continually going behind my back decieving me and taking advantage. Sounds more like a character issue than an ADD issue.To make matters worse we could never afford an engagement ring and I have ALWAYS wanted one. So I had put a little jar in the kitchen which I would put bottle money into it in hopes to someday have 2k to buy a ring. Well, needless to say he was not even kind enough to put a stolen dimeHe is a thief? in my can. I threw away the can I no longer want a ring. But wait! I thought you were married?All he said last night was “so I lied, deal with it, what are you going to do, leave?” I said " No I am your wife I am not leaving, but it doesn’t mean I have to like you right now or even trust you." He has to deal with the consiquences of his actions…ok, thanks again for letting me blow steam. God bless.
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Ok, here you go. Something does not add up with your story. If you want advice on these forums you should make sure you are completely honest. If I had to bet, I would say you two are not married. And if you are married then not in the Church. Separate accounts, lies on both sides, and character issues. Money is the least of your problems.

Care to amend your post to clarify a few things?

If he is this bad why did you “marry” him in the first place?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Ok, here you go. Something does not add up with your story. If you want advice on these forums you should make sure you are completely honest. If I had to bet, I would say you two are not married. And if you are married then not in the Church. Separate accounts, lies on both sides, and character issues. Money is the least of your problems.

Care to amend your post to clarify a few things?

If he is this bad why did you “marry” him in the first place?
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Woah! Please be charitable!!! You cannot at all infer that the OP has character issues, has been dishonest, or is not married in the church.

My MIL and her husband, both devout Catholics, have separate finances. Completely separate finances. They split bills, they have a joint retirement, and they have wills outlining how much the other gets if they die. Of course, they are in a good financial position and very generous with their money-both when it comes to each other and when it comes to others. My husband wouldn’t have made it through college without the generous support given by his mom’s husband.

Now, do I think the situation is strange and antithetical to marriage? Oh heavens yes. But I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve seen it work.

When my husband and I first moved in together one of the biggest problems that she had (other than the sin thing) was that we combined our finances. Again, a week after our wedding, she offered to help us set up some joint accounts and figure out how we were going to handle money. We turned her down saying that we had it covered and that we were going to share everything. She was mad then, and she still resents me for it now (hubby couldn’t imagine having separate finances either, but as usual, the in-law gets the blame). But she is still nonetheless a devout catholic married in the church.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Woah! Please be charitable!!! You cannot at all infer that the OP has character issues, has been dishonest, or is not married in the church.

My MIL and her husband, both devout Catholics, have separate finances. Completely separate finances. They split bills, they have a joint retirement, and they have wills outlining how much the other gets if they die. Of course, they are in a good financial position and very generous with their money-both when it comes to each other and when it comes to others. My husband wouldn’t have made it through college without the generous support given by his mom’s husband.

Now, do I think the situation is strange and antithetical to marriage? Oh heavens yes. But I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve seen it work.

When my husband and I first moved in together one of the biggest problems that she had (other than the sin thing) was that we combined our finances. Again, a week after our wedding, she offered to help us set up some joint accounts and figure out how we were going to handle money. We turned her down saying that we had it covered and that we were going to share everything. She was mad then, and she still resents me for it now (hubby couldn’t imagine having separate finances either, but as usual, the in-law gets the blame). But she is still nonetheless a devout catholic married in the church.
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GO back and read some of the OPs posts. I just did. It would seem she is a recent revert after a bout of Protestantism and her current husband she has divorced once, he is a nonbeliever, and her first marriage ended in divorce. I don’t think it is uncharitable to think something may be amiss here. There can be very good reasons to have separate finances, this does not sound like one of them. Last month the OP was discussing if she should get pregnant or adopt.

This does’t feel right.
 
Until some of this gets cleared up…

I know that anytime money was tight for my wife and I we thought the other was spending frivolously. And when we went back and looked, we were. But we did it together. If I could find 2000 dollars in 2 months of my wife’s spending, you can bet she could find 2000 dollars of mine!

Strictly financially, Dave Ramsey is the way to go here. And I don’t agree with Dave all the time, but this screams for the babysteps.

Obviously there needs to be visibility on both sides. While the wife is complaining about a 30 dollar car wash, she has student loans that are not being justified with employment. So, lets not point fingers at irresponsible partners but rather, both get on the same page and fix the problem. That the husband is at least employed is good, it shows he is willing to put forth the effort on his part.

There is something odd about this post. And if you read from the OPs first post 2 years ago to now, there are some questions answered. But like I said earlier, money is not the main problem here. Communication, lying, hiding and blaming, those are the issues…
 
Wow I’m sorry that you are dealing with that , so not cool …Someone mentioned seeing a counselor would he be ok with this idea? One ought to never have the idea of "Ok so I lied what are you going to do about it "

I don’t know how much ADD can be blamed here , heck if we could just blame things away based on whatever medical or mental conditions once might have I think that would be the new excuse for doing things (In many cases it already is )… You certainly are in a strained relationship and I’m sorry that he made those comments to you … Any thing we can do please don’t be scared to ask

In matters of honestly I always think of Gen 27:5-10 No matter how good out goals are we should not try to achieve them by doing what we know is wrong … In this case your hubby clearly knew what he was doing is wrong Thus the “So I lied”…
 
Might as well let the other shoe drop: If the OP is taking money out of a retirement account (IRA or Roth IRA, presumably), the tax man is going to be calling on them both come next April 15.
 
For those of you that have judged me on this forum, said that I am a liar, that I am not married, that the tax man will get me…that somehow I don’t try enough as I am not working…all I can say is I am sorry that you feel this way. May the Lord forgive you and help me to continue to have faith in Catholicism despite some of its followers lack of love.

Incase any of you were wondering. I am a returning Catholic, who is very excited about the Catholic faith. I am married and my spouse is a Christian not Catholic per say. And the story I wrote about is true and I am not aware of any lie that I said, God forgive me if I have misrepresented myself. I was under the understanding that this is a place I could share not only my faith but my struggles as well.

peace.
 
otjm said:
Might as well let the other shoe drop: If the OP is taking money out of a retirement account (IRA or Roth IRA, presumably), the tax man is going to be calling on them both come next April 15.
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If not sooner!!! :eek: 😛
 
otjm said:
Might as well let the other shoe drop: If the OP is taking money out of a retirement account (IRA or Roth IRA, presumably), the tax man is going to be calling on them both come next April 15.
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Oh dear, yes, that’s correct.
 
It’s not being mean to tell you that you are creating very unpleasant tax issues for yourself. If you don’t believe us, go talk to a CPA about what the consequences are going to be or google it yourself.

Get your husband to a counselor and a personal finance class and take a job, any job at all.
 
elohimrules said:
For those of you that have judged me on this forum, said that I am a liar, that I am not married, that the tax man will get me…that somehow I don’t try enough as I am not working…all I can say is I am sorry that you feel this way. May the Lord forgive you and help me to continue to have faith in Catholicism despite some of its followers lack of love.

Incase any of you were wondering. I am a returning Catholic, who is very excited about the Catholic faith. I am married and my spouse is a Christian not Catholic per say. And the story I wrote about is true and I am not aware of any lie that I said, God forgive me if I have misrepresented myself. I was under the understanding that this is a place I could share not only my faith but my struggles as well.

peace.
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Elohim,

The reason someone mentioned the IRS was to make you aware that you might have tax penalties for using money out of a retirement account, not to accuse you of wrongdoing.

And the reason someone mentioned they didn’t think you were married was because they doubted your husband’s character from your post, not because of anything on your end. Without proper intentions on the parts of both spouses at the time of marriage, a marriage can be invalid. They weren’t meaning you were lying about being married or anything.
 
elohimrules said:
For those of you that have judged me on this forum, said that I am a liar, that I am not married, that the tax man will get me…that somehow I don’t try enough as I am not working…all I can say is I am sorry that you feel this way. May the Lord forgive you and help me to continue to have faith in Catholicism despite some of its followers lack of love.

Incase any of you were wondering. I am a returning Catholic, who is very excited about the Catholic faith. I am married and my spouse is a Christian not Catholic per say. And the story I wrote about is true and I am not aware of any lie that I said, God forgive me if I have misrepresented myself. I was under the understanding that this is a place I could share not only my faith but my struggles as well.

peace.
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Money issues are always hard on a marriage. It sounds like he has a spending addiction or doesnt really get the financial picture in your home. i would suggest you both sit down and make out a budget together and let him see where all the finances stand. in our home i am the bill payer yet hubby and i have separate accounts. he puts most of his check in our bill paying account and he keeps a little for his spending on golf and whatever else. but he knows if the bills arent paid we dont spend any extra.
Will pray for you.
 
Thanks Dee,

We talked tonight and it sounds like he’s struggling with a spending addiction. He has ADHD and I have him seeing counselors/psychologist etc. So, he is going to speak with them and try to figure it out.
 
Hi Lily,

He may be a crook as well, I have not discounted that option! As far as taxes I had them taken out before I withdrew! 😛
 
elohimrules said:
Hi Lily,

He may be a crook as well, I have not discounted that option! As far as taxes I had them taken out before I withdrew! 😛
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Good - then you are way ahead of that curve. Some people don’t know it, or are in such a pickle they don’t do it. It wasn’t said to be mean; just to give you a heads up. Glad you have confronted that issue. The tax man has no sense of humor whatsoever.
 
elohimrules said:
…All he said last night was “so I lied, deal with it, what are you going to do, leave?” …
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ADHD does not make a person into a liar. It leaves a person vulnerable to mistakes that he’ll be tempted to lie about, but it does not make someone a liar.

That is your answer, sir? That is who you want to be: Mister “OK, I lied, so deal with it”? That is who you want looking back at you in the mirror? Do you want to deal with that? How do you propose I deal with it? By doing what any sensible person would do, which is not trust you not to lie to me? I’m supposed to be your warden? I signed on to be your wife, not your warden.

Then maybe it is time to say, “Listen, I have a right to be mad, but I don’t want to be mad. I do not want a marriage that is a living hell for both of us. I don’t want to shame you for doing this to me. I want to know that you have decided you are never EVER going to do something like this to anybody again, and especially not to me. I want you to figure out how to earn my trust back and be dependable. If the ADHD means you have to use certain strategies to do it, then I want to be able to trust you to use those strategies. There are mistakes, but there are also lies. Buying the stuff, those were mistakes. Lying to me was lying. I need to hear about your mistakes, not have you lie to me about them.”

Have you read “Married to Distraction”? What did you think about it?
 
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