Spouse not as religious need advice

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lbetson

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Hello,

I’ve been married for 10 years now my wife and I are both Catholic and were married in the Catholic Church. When my wife and I were going through Precana we both had the same fervor about our Catholic faith.

My faith has actually grown stronger and my observance of Jesus in my daily life is ever present. My wife has been drifting in out and she has become more of a luke warm Catholic, for lack of a better term. I love my wife dearly but lately she seems to be very bothered my ever deepening faith and my prayer life even to the point of, I hate say this like a jealousy.

I’ve asked her to pray with me and she cares not to. She goes to Church with me and my daughter but I always feel like she is doing it for me and out of guilt, not that I ever make her feel that way, as a matter of fact quite the opposite, I let the Holy Spirit move her and not by any preaching to her or guilt.

I am going away on a pilgrimage on Sunday, Divine Mercy to be exact, and I asked her to come along, no interest at all.

I make time every night for about an hour to read scripture and pray because I want to have a deeper relationship and a more loving intimate union with God and now she calls me a bore.

Well, obviously I would love her my wife to be on the same spiritual journey as me but she is not. I know her heart is in the right place and she used to be pretty fervent about it but not so much anymore. She has even questioned herself on weather or not she believes at times, which really saddens me.

I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and if anyone had any advice or words of encouragement for me?

Thank you and God Bless
 
Don’t harp on her. Don’t nag her. Just do what you know you should and always invite her along.

If you are not already doing so, see if she would be interested in saying the Rosary with you and your daughter on a daily basis? Maybe just one decade? Even if she won’t, start doing so with your daughter, invite your wife to join you each time.

Stay the course. You are on the right track and it is very likely that your actions alone will encourage your wife to grow in faith.

My prayers for you and your family.
 
Also, if she is calling you a bore, maybe you need to take some time and spend it with her. She may feel that you are abandoning her in more ways than one.
 
You need to communicate with your wife. Have you really talked with her about what has caused your faith to deepen, the difference between the “place” each of you is in your faith journies, and how you can live that out in your marriage?

She needs to be reassured that there is still a place for her in your marriage. You are putting a lot of time and effort into the practice of your faith…time and effort that she is not a part of. Practicing your faith is important and I would not discourage that in any way. However, your marriage is showing signs of stress and you need to be attentive to that.

I suggest that you evaluate the allocation of your time. Can you arrange your schedule so that your Scripture study and prayer time, etc, are not during the prime time that you and your wife have available together? She needs to know that you still love her and that she is important to you even though she does not participate in this very important part of your life. She has put forth an effort to share herself with you to the extent that she is spiritually able (by going to Mass even though she has doubts), and for that, you should be joyful. In turn, you need to make time to share yourself with her. Whatever your common interests are, do them with her on a regular basis, and show interest in her personal interests.

God’s blessings.
lbetson said:
Hello,

I’ve been married for 10 years now my wife and I are both Catholic and were married in the Catholic Church. When my wife and I were going through Precana we both had the same fervor about our Catholic faith.

My faith has actually grown stronger and my observance of Jesus in my daily life is ever present. My wife has been drifting in out and she has become more of a luke warm Catholic, for lack of a better term. I love my wife dearly but lately she seems to be very bothered my ever deepening faith and my prayer life even to the point of, I hate say this like a jealousy.

I’ve asked her to pray with me and she cares not to. She goes to Church with me and my daughter but I always feel like she is doing it for me and out of guilt, not that I ever make her feel that way, as a matter of fact quite the opposite, I let the Holy Spirit move her and not by any preaching to her or guilt.

I am going away on a pilgrimage on Sunday, Divine Mercy to be exact, and I asked her to come along, no interest at all.

I make time every night for about an hour to read scripture and pray because I want to have a deeper relationship and a more loving intimate union with God and now she calls me a bore.

Well, obviously I would love her my wife to be on the same spiritual journey as me but she is not. I know her heart is in the right place and she used to be pretty fervent about it but not so much anymore. She has even questioned herself on weather or not she believes at times, which really saddens me.

I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and if anyone had any advice or words of encouragement for me?

Thank you and God Bless
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Bluegoat said:
Also, if she is calling you a bore, maybe you need to take some time and spend it with her. She may feel that you are abandoning her in more ways than one.
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Agreed.
I don’t think a “luke-warm” Catholic is going to jump to praying the rosary or go to Divine Mercy. Play with her and your daughter. And when you notice, say to her something like, “I thank God to have you as a wife” or “You are such a good mother” and give the momentary specifics that lead you to say that. In front of her, appreciate a kindness you observe in a traffic jam or at a grocery store. Be awed at something in nature like a dove cooing or a sunset. According to the catechism, prayer is lifting ones mind and heart to God. Doesn’t matter how. Perhaps if you notice her in awe of something or feeling compassion or loving you by going to church with you when she feels nothing herself, you can content yourself to know the Spirit is leading her* at her own pace*. Don’t drive her away by thinking she is less a Catholic than you. Only God sees the heart. Share your faith at times but most of the time, simply live it. We set our hearts above; seeing God in all things. That is our task on earth (I think 🤷).
 
Suggest that you pray before the Blessed Sacrament and ask Jesus to send the Holy Spirit upon your wife to renew her faith.

Suggest also that you do penance for her, and do your best to become even holier. That will allow the Holy Spirit to shine through you and draw her back.
 
Difficult situtation to be in, and I am in it right along with you. It could have been my post exactly, to the T. Unfortunately I don’t have any great advice. Don’t deny her any of your usual together time. Not even for reading Gods word. Hard to swallow I know, and it doesn’t make sense either. Find time to do your reading when you’re not around her, get cd’s to listen to while you drive to and from work, there are some fabulous ones out there, check out Lighthouse Catholic media. Offer to sit with the kids(if this applies) while they are at activities and read there. Most of all, don’t make her feel less holy than you. Lead by example, smile and live your faith. And of course always tell her how much you love her. You might not get to do all the extra things that you might want to, I don’t either, but it is a cross to bear, and a light one at that. One thing a priest told me to do was to offer any grace I receive up for her. From what I have found out, this is a pretty common problem, but, you can only do so much, God will do the heavy lifting, on His time. God bless…
 
lbetson said:
I make time every night for about an hour to read scripture and pray because I want to have a deeper relationship and a more loving intimate union with God and now she calls me a bore.
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Do you regularly take your wife out on dates with just you two, do you frequently buy her little gifts? Maybe your wife sees you spending all your free time on your faith and not on her, and that’s why she’s unhappy?
 
I’m in the same situation you are in. My husband has drifted away from his faith over the past decade or so after being very “on fire” when we dated and married. At this point I basically treat him as a nonbeliever (I said treat because in the end only God can look into his heart). What this means is that while I don’t hide my faith, I don’t nag him about it or dwell on it. I make it a point to witness to him by my actions instead of my words (explicit evangelizing) by always treating him with respect and love. I want my life to set a good example for him, not be a stumbling block. Most of all, I just trust the Holy Spirit to do the converting since this is not my job. Funny, my kids are the ones to nag him to go to Sunday mass now and then, like at Easter.

I agree with the previous posters that if your wife is starting to complain about you turning into a bore, then it’s time to put away your Bible and prayer books in her presence and pay more attention to having fun and deepening your relationship with her. You want her impression to be that your faith is making you a better husband, not a boring one. God will still give you plenty of ways to grow in your own faith. You don’t want religion to become a wedge issue, otherwise it will make it that much harder for your spouse to draw close to God again.

Now and then (not too often-I usually wait until the other person raises the issue) you can gently discuss your faith. Keep remembering, it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to convert others, not yours.
 
What NOT to do-(Please take this as a little joke, it’s clearly meant to be one)

1-) Be holier than thou. Walk around with a air of sacredness and treat her like a profane heathen. Make her know that you are morally superior. Learn Latin really well and use it in new conversations.

2-) Tell her to drop her old friends and only associate with nuns, religious zealots, and those scary people you meet at the airport who try to shove bibles in your hands.

3-) Demand that she dresses in black, ankle length dress with a jumper, high neckline, and never where short sleeves. Dress your children in the same way. Make them look like they came from the set of Children of the Corn V.

Please remember, I’m only trying to add a bit of humor to the situation. Hope I made you smile.

In all seriousness, your in my prayers. Best of luck!
 
I can very much relate to this thread. I have become much more zealous in my faith over recent years, and as a result had many crosses in particular to bear. Don’t know why it works this way, but it does. I think of the verse in Scripture, “if you love mother or father, husband or wife more than me, you are not worthy of me.” Matt. 10:37. I love this verse.

My view is slightly different than many others. I will always love God and my faith more than anyone in my life, even my spouse.

It’s very odd though, when I became more zealous in my faith, my husband became way more worldly and even had an affair. Like he didn’t like it. I try to be humble, etc., but he still sometimes says I act holier than thou, and am “preaching”, and judgmental. This is not how I want to be. I have learned it is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, not mine. I so much want my husband to share my enthusiasm for things of God, but he doesn’t. Sometimes I even feel he would be quite happy being married to a non-believer. This makes me sad, as my faith is the most important thing in my life.

Living our faith is the best thing to do. Ask God to give you times when it will take our actions not words as a testimony of our faith. I prayed this, and was given the ultimate challenge of my husband’s affair, and endless forgiveness. I wish sometimes I never prayed this. LOL.

Good Luck,
God Bless:thumbsup:
 
I understand where you’re coming from … I’m there. My husband is not a Catholic and I’ve never asked him to convert. I just pray to Jesus and Our Blessed Mother to soften his heart towards Jesus.

During my hour at Adoration Chapel, I pray for him.

God Bless.
 
My husband is not on the same page as me when it comes to faith matters. Long ago, he began to attack me about my “holier than thou” attitude, threatening to leave me and stating that I had changed (true) but he had not. I had had a major re-conversion during the 10th year of our marriage. Prior to that we both acted as if all there was to worry about was the here and now.

I was so sad about this and prayed fervently, spent time in Eucharistic Adoration, did penances and fasted. Of course, I wanted my husband to change. However, I learned that I needed to stand strong in my faith with no apologies. I told my husband that he was right in saying that I had changed and if he wanted to leave me I would be sad but understand. However, I would never turn my back on the Lord again and this subject was non-negotiable. We had a rough and rocky way for awhile, but my husband did not leave me and, in fact, is now praying with me daily and occasionally attending Mass with me. Everything happens in the Lord’s time and way. Just have faith, show your spouse you value that covenental relationship, but make sure that God always comes first. :signofcross:
 
Corinne3 said:
My view is slightly different than many others. I will always love God and my faith more than anyone in my life, even my spouse
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I don’t believe anyone that had previously posted had a different view. No one has advocated putting a spouse above God or watering down your own faith. What was suggested was more in line with “winning over your spouse without saying a word” found in 1 Peter 3 (which is a passage directed towards wives but still applicable)

To the OP: Drawing closer to your spouse, even an unbeliever, and drawing closer to God are not mutually exclusive. As we aspire to sainthood it should make us more pleasant to be around not less, though obviously friction may inadvertently arise when we are unwilling to compromise our moral values.
 
Bluegoat said:
Also, if she is calling you a bore, maybe you need to take some time and spend it with her. She may feel that you are abandoning her in more ways than one.
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You know, there’s some very good truth to this.

She may feel left out, jealous maybe of your *time *(not necessarily your fervor), and feel like you’re replacing her with God. You have to tread very lightly here because it could lead to harming her relationship with God if that’s what she thinks.

My advice… maintain your beautiful fire for the faith… in quiet, secret, silence. Put forth *noticeable *effort in spending time with your wife and daughter. This, in many ways, is the best way you can LIVE your faith as a positive husband and father figure. It’s not just about having faith… it’s about LIVING it… so LOVE her with all your heart and make sure she KNOWS it.
Pray silently for her… and stop inviting her along to your extra retreats. When she’s ready, the Holy Spirit will move her in His time.
 
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