Spouse struggles socially

  • Thread starter Thread starter clem456
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

clem456

Guest
So I’m a spouse that struggles with personality defects.
Long story short, I would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers years ago. I have extreme difficulty making friends. I have many associates, but have never been able to get close to anyone. Prone to depression and anxiety. This all affects my work as well. We have a nice home and I am able to work, but those around us are ready to retire and we are not even close.

My wife is a miracle of grace.
We are married 27 years. And over the years my eyes have been opened to the effects of all this on our marriage and on our life.
Because I do not connect, we do not have close friends to share life with as a couple. She has her girlfriends, and I have my Church associates and work friends. I make attempts but it is always formal, strained, and uncomfortable.
We do choir together and pray together and go to adoration. We have a rich life of faith. But our life together socially is just functional.

We sit at home many weekends while the rest of the world get’s together and enjoys each other’s company. My wife is wonderful and does not complain. She is content “just to”… whatever that “just to” is. And I get it. But she has told me in the past “I’d like to get to know Joe Blow’s wife better why don’t you call im up and let’s go.”
Honestly, fear paralyzes me socially. I don’t know how some of this would turn out because the thought of it gives me insomnia.

So it is causing me intense suffering to know I have not provided well for her socially. Confession has not helped shake the sense of failure, nor has a few months of counseling. I know God forgives us our shortcomings, but daily life is a constant reminder that I do not provide well for her.

Tomorrow will be a better day. The fog will lift for a time. It always does.

Anyone else have a marriage that struggles in this way?
 
It would be nice to know more of your background before weighing in.

I thought I had a marriage like yours (for several years I thought this) until I discovered I didn’t. That process of realizing I didn’t came through circumstances where I was forced out of my comfort zone, and came to know it wasn’t me, but was my upbringing and my circumstances combined with an introverted temperament.

You may be capable of more than you think. The fact that you are here posting about this leads me to believe there is nothing holding you back, but are just sad because you have had limited success socially. Like I said, It may be your circumstances, not you. Let your wife help you rise above it. But anyway, I understand your plight. God Bless.
 
My husband used to say that I wanted to live like a hermit.

He was probably right.

I don’t like crowds. Too many people get on my nerves. (for instance, at ball games or shopping malls.)

It takes a real act of the will to go to Sunday Mass because of the crowds. I don’t mind the daily Masses because they are not very crowded and there isn’t any singing.

I have to offer it to God because He understands. I go to Mass anyway, even though crowds make me uncomfortable. It is for Him that I endure, and I try to be gracious and courteous even when some people act boorish.

So, accept the fact that you are the way you are. That’s the first step. Then try to leave your comfort zone. It won’t be easy. Take it a little at a time. If being a recluse makes you comfortable, but it is hard on your wife, try to move ahead. She will be glad that you at least made the effort.
 
Arizona_Fat_Gir said:
My husband used to say that I wanted to live like a hermit.

He was probably right.

I don’t like crowds. Too many people get on my nerves. (for instance, at ball games or shopping malls.)

It takes a real act of the will to go to Sunday Mass because of the crowds. I don’t mind the daily Masses because they are not very crowded and there isn’t any singing.

I have to offer it to God because He understands. I go to Mass anyway, even though crowds make me uncomfortable. It is for Him that I endure, and I try to be gracious and courteous even when some people act boorish.

So, accept the fact that you are the way you are. That’s the first step. Then try to leave your comfort zone. It won’t be easy. Take it a little at a time. If being a recluse makes you comfortable, but it is hard on your wife, try to move ahead. She will be glad that you at least made the effort.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much.
Acceptance. Gratitude for the here and now. Hope for renewal.
 
🙂 God loves you and your wife has chosen you and loves you too. You have a job and you and your wife have a spiritual life together.

Not everyone is an extrovert and there are millions of people who detest ‘smalltalk’ and feel physically sick at the thought of exchanging pleasantries with people that they hardly know. Some amazingly talented people have suffered from chronic shyness - but they are still part of God’s wonderful creation and have as much right to the oxygen on this planet as the extroverts!

Even the most outgoing people I know get nervous about meeting new people sometimes and actually, as an adult, making friends rather than acquaintances. As one of my former colleagues put it, "as a 35 year old man, I can’t just go up to someone and say ‘I’m Bob - will you be my friend?’ ":confused:

People are generally much more tolerant than intolerant and your reserve might actually be appreciated by some people. A person who keeps his counsel, behaves like a gentleman and doesn’t ‘gush’ over new acquaintances immediately is generally respected if he is also kind and genuine.
 
It sounds to me like your wife is happy.

I am a very extroverted person, and my DH is an introvert. I’ve been here (not where I grew up) since we married and I don’t have any friends here. In my old city I was a proverbial social butterfly.

My DH is my friend and I love his company. I am content. If I wasn’t, I promise I would have no trouble joining things and making friends. But I am content with the things I do and relative social isolation. I’m older, I’m more content to just be than when I was young and needed to always be on the go, throwing a party, attending an event…

So take your wife at face value if she says she is content, I suspect she is.
 
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Not everyone is a social butterfly. Try to go to a few things socially and agree ahead of time with your wife that you won’t stay all evening - try a few hours. Encourage her to do things socially on her own - there’s nothing wrong with her going places by herself. If you want to practice being social, take a community class or do some activity that you really like where others are. It’s easier to began talking to people when you share an interest - it gives you a place to start conversation. If you are an introvert, it’s also easier to start talking to one person at a time instead of being in a group conversation situation.
 
My husband and I have exactly zero “couple friends”. Our social needs are met with family gatherings and get togethers with acquaintances from church, clubs, and work. I’m sure it would be fun to have other families to camp, playdate, barbeque, and dinner party with, we’re both pretty happy as it is. If you are comfortable, and your wife is comfortable, and your family’s social needs are met, then why pressure yourself with a vision of “how things are supposed to be”? If you feel you really do need more socialization, there could be lots of opportunities to join clubs and groups where you just sign up to go and you don’t have to break into any established clique in order to partake. You already mentioned choir and that’s a good start. My husband and I were in a square dancing club for a while and that was big fun! If dancing isn’t your thing, there’s couples cooking clubs, couples classes at the Y or at a community college, mushroom hunting, historical societies, etc.
 
My husband and I are similar in some ways. When he is home we rarely socialize with other couples except for normal everyday things. We don’t hang out with friends or invite people over. We are content to just be together and hang out with our kids doing things with them and each other. We don’t go on dates or anything like that even. But we are happy like this. Both of us are. When my husband is gone I am much more social and so is he. We both have friends we do things with or talk to on the phone but when we are together we don’t feel the need for that.

If your wife chose you and the life you lead as her own then I suspect she truly is happy. Sometimes friends create more stress than they relieve. She may find she enjoys the stress free life she has with you more than you believe she does.
 
clem456 said:
So I’m a spouse that struggles with personality defects.
Long story short, I would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers years ago. I have extreme difficulty making friends. I have many associates, but have never been able to get close to anyone. Prone to depression and anxiety. This all affects my work as well. We have a nice home and I am able to work, but those around us are ready to retire and we are not even close.

My wife is a miracle of grace.
We are married 27 years. And over the years my eyes have been opened to the effects of all this on our marriage and on our life.
Because I do not connect, we do not have close friends to share life with as a couple. She has her girlfriends, and I have my Church associates and work friends. I make attempts but it is always formal, strained, and uncomfortable.
We do choir together and pray together and go to adoration. We have a rich life of faith. But our life together socially is just functional.

We sit at home many weekends while the rest of the world get’s together and enjoys each other’s company. My wife is wonderful and does not complain. She is content “just to”… whatever that “just to” is. And I get it. But she has told me in the past “I’d like to get to know Joe Blow’s wife better why don’t you call im up and let’s go.”
Honestly, fear paralyzes me socially. I don’t know how some of this would turn out because the thought of it gives me insomnia.

So it is causing me intense suffering to know I have not provided well for her socially. Confession has not helped shake the sense of failure, nor has a few months of counseling. I know God forgives us our shortcomings, but daily life is a constant reminder that I do not provide well for her.

Tomorrow will be a better day. The fog will lift for a time. It always does.

Anyone else have a marriage that struggles in this way?
Click to expand...
I can relate, as while my husband can talk all day about his work stuff or hobbies, he has no small talk and is not interested in meeting new people if they are not people that share his interests. I did have to explain to him that he was going to have to make an effort to talk to my friend’s husband when we get together as a family. Just a question or two is adequate, but it’s not OK to just sit there all dinner without saying anything to the other husband or to only speak when spoken to. (It was especially trying in this case, as my husband and friend’s husband work in different departments of the same employer and have a number of things in common, so it’s not that hard to come up with subjects of common interest with a little thought.) He’s done better recently, but at one point, it was damaging my ability to have a social life if we couldn’t have an occasional dinner with another family. As I’m an SAHM, we also have the common dilemma of husband-has-to-talk-all-day-and-is-tired-of-people and wife-rarely-gets-to-talk-to-adults-and-is-socially starved.

But in general, my husband usually gets enormous mileage out of just smiling pleasantly.

We have a mildly autistic daughter and are both probably somewhere on the autistic spectrum ourselves (wrong generation for a diagnosis), so I understand the difficulties.

I would suggest the following:
  1. you can do invitations by email or text instead of orally
  2. arrange activities so you don’t have to just talk
  3. ask a question or two–but not too personal and LISTEN
  4. no monologuing!
  5. have a couple of evergreen subjects of general interest to bring up (for instance, in our town, there’s a reality show filming–when all else fails, we can always talk about the show)
  6. it isn’t actually true that everybody but you is out madly socializing.
  7. it might be a little too young for you, but we get a lot out of the show Big Bang Theory and particularly Sheldon’s social stumbles. The sex comedy can be tiresome, but I really enjoy the autism comedy aspect of it (my husband and I are basically Sheldon and Amy–although I’m not a scientist). And I think my husband has probably learned a thing or two.
 
I have a fairly introverted spouse but the difference is he prefers to spend time alone, and does not struggle with this decision. He is comfortable with that.

I am fairly extroverted and don’t mind at all and it is refreshing to have such a great listener as a husband…

Sounds like your wife is fine with it too. If you feel you want to be around people more-do structured things with them so the conversation is secondary to the activities as others posted. With practice, you will get more comfortablr and if not -thats fine too.

I would focus too on what great things you bring to your marriage-listening, peace, character and so on. These qualities are much more important, and you are certainly doing something right as you are married 27 years.
 
There’s a lot to be said for doing the best you can with what you have. No one can ask more than that.

Keeping everything together for 27 years of marriage is something to be proud of.

Maybe you and your wife can come to an understanding. If she calls a couple up and arranges a dinner or something, you suck it up and go, and do your best. Little steps. Don’t believe everything you say about yourself that limits you.
 
PaulinVA said:
There’s a lot to be said for doing the best you can with what you have. No one can ask more than that.

Keeping everything together for 27 years of marriage is something to be proud of.

Maybe you and your wife can come to an understanding. If she calls a couple up and arranges a dinner or something, you suck it up and go, and do your best. Little steps. Don’t believe everything you say about yourself that limits you.
Click to expand...
Right.

There can be some situations, though, where it would be more natural for the OP to be the arranger. Let’s say, for instance, that he works with Joe Blow, knows Joe Blow pretty well, and the OP’s wife would like to get to know Mary Blow better. In that case, it would make nice for the OP and Joe Blow (who know each other) to make arrangements, rather than the two ladies (who barely know each other) to make arrangements.
 
It is really edifying and calming to hear the various responses and I appreciate it.
One thing is, there was a time when I didn’t know the difference. Life just went by.

Due to some intense conversion over the last 10 years my eyes have been opened to the areas where I have been neglectful, and God has been asking me, actually both of us, to be more involved in parish life and service to the community.
This is like a thorn in the flesh, to do things that are normally uncomfortable. Things that I would never have considered 20 years ago.

The thorn in the flesh is a good thing though. I just need to be patient and take one day at a time. Appreciating things as they are, and at the same time being open to where God is leading us. And not worry about what everyone else is doing on Saturday night. Who cares?
 
Fellow introvert here 😊 Remember, too, that God made both of you with your unique temperaments. God also made you both to share your lives together. Give thanks to God for being able to share activities that you both enjoy – especially being so active with the Church.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
Fellow introvert here 😊 Remember, too, that God made both of you with your unique temperaments. God also made you both to share your lives together. Give thanks to God for being able to share activities that you both enjoy – especially being so active with the Church.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Right. Be the best possible version of you–but keep being you.
 
clem456 said:
So I’m a spouse that struggles with personality defects.
Long story short, I would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers years ago. I have extreme difficulty making friends. I have many associates, but have never been able to get close to anyone. Prone to depression and anxiety. This all affects my work as well. We have a nice home and I am able to work, but those around us are ready to retire and we are not even close.

My wife is a miracle of grace.
We are married 27 years. And over the years my eyes have been opened to the effects of all this on our marriage and on our life.
Because I do not connect, we do not have close friends to share life with as a couple. She has her girlfriends, and I have my Church associates and work friends. I make attempts but it is always formal, strained, and uncomfortable.
We do choir together and pray together and go to adoration. We have a rich life of faith. But our life together socially is just functional.

We sit at home many weekends while the rest of the world get’s together and enjoys each other’s company. My wife is wonderful and does not complain. She is content “just to”… whatever that “just to” is. And I get it. But she has told me in the past “I’d like to get to know Joe Blow’s wife better why don’t you call im up and let’s go.”
Honestly, fear paralyzes me socially. I don’t know how some of this would turn out because the thought of it gives me insomnia.

So it is causing me intense suffering to know I have not provided well for her socially. Confession has not helped shake the sense of failure, nor has a few months of counseling. I know God forgives us our shortcomings, but daily life is a constant reminder that I do not provide well for her.

Tomorrow will be a better day. The fog will lift for a time. It always does.

Anyone else have a marriage that struggles in this way?
Click to expand...
Why can SHE not call Joe Blow’s wife up and arrange for a “girls night out”?

Not everybody is an extrovert. DH and I are both very introverted people. For us, a night spent together in front of the TV watching our favourite shows and playing with our cats is one of our favourite activities.

Are there hobbies that you two could pick up together that you could spend time doing? I’m thinking projects such as woodworking or jigsaw puzzles - these are relatively easy to do together.
 
His_helpmeet said:
Why can SHE not call Joe Blow’s wife up and arrange for a “girls night out”?

Not everybody is an extrovert. DH and I are both very introverted people. For us, a night spent together in front of the TV watching our favourite shows and playing with our cats is one of our favourite activities.

Are there hobbies that you two could pick up together that you could spend time doing? I’m thinking projects such as woodworking or jigsaw puzzles - these are relatively easy to do together.
Click to expand...
I think after talking to the spiritual guide/confessor this morning he suggests working on contentment and gratitude and stop focusing on the glamour of the world.
I’m grasping after what the world offers instead of finding the joy and contentment we really have.
It’s a spiritual malady I have to work on.
God gives us a unique personality. I shouldn’t want what others have.

We do enjoy watching things like Downton Abbey together. But I feel like I am wasting time if I am not doing something productive. Always trying to make up for lost time.
Contentment.
 
clem456 said:
I think after talking to the spiritual guide/confessor this morning he suggests working on contentment and gratitude and stop focusing on the glamour of the world.
I’m grasping after what the world offers instead of finding the joy and contentment we really have.
It’s a spiritual malady I have to work on.
God gives us a unique personality. I shouldn’t want what others have.

We do enjoy watching things like Downton Abbey together. But I feel like I am wasting time if I am not doing something productive. Always trying to make up for lost time.
Contentment.
Click to expand...
If it’s something you and your wife enjoy doing together, it is productive.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top