Spouse won't go to events

[27lw]

Hi all,
I just want a quick idea if I am on the right track, or not.
My husband basically will never take the kids to their events (I work some weekends and evenings). So, if I am not at home, he won’t take them to things like soccer games, awards ceremonies, etc. There often is a bit of a time problem, such as, he gets home at just the same time an event is starting.
So, consequently, my kids sometimes miss their events / games / concerts. I get really upset, but if I try to discuss this, he uses his work hours as an excuse, or he often says his back hurts, his stomach is upset, etc.

We definitely have other issues in our marriage as well. I used to ask him to go to marriage counseling, but he won’t (he said if there are problems in our marriage, they are my problems). This was 8-9 years ago, and I have basically given up in a lot of ways. I vacillate between figuring that he basically does have emotional / physical issues, and he is not capable of certain things. Then I realize if it’s an event he does want to go to, he manages to deal with his fear of crowds / back pain / stomach issues.

Any thoughts or helpful advice? I don’t know if I’m a doormat or what. If I try to bring up these issues, he says I am too critical / judgmental / I’m never content.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi all,
I just want a quick idea if I am on the right track, or not.
My husband basically will never take the kids to their events (I work some weekends and evenings). So, if I am not at home, he won’t take them to things like soccer games, awards ceremonies, etc. There often is a bit of a time problem, such as, he gets home at just the same time an event is starting.
So, consequently, my kids sometimes miss their events / games / concerts. I get really upset, but if I try to discuss this, he uses his work hours as an excuse, or he often says his back hurts, his stomach is upset, etc.

We definitely have other issues in our marriage as well. I used to ask him to go to marriage counseling, but he won’t (he said if there are problems in our marriage, they are my problems). This was 8-9 years ago, and I have basically given up in a lot of ways. I vacillate between figuring that he basically does have emotional / physical issues, and he is not capable of certain things. Then I realize if it’s an event he does want to go to, he manages to deal with his fear of crowds / back pain / stomach issues.

Any thoughts or helpful advice? I don’t know if I’m a doormat or what. If I try to bring up these issues, he says I am too critical / judgmental / I’m never content.

What does he say when the kids ask him themselves?

Also, are they big enough so that he could just drop them off and pick them up? That might be a reasonable compromise.

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Does your husband have social anxiety?

I hope that you and your husband can work through this. Are the kids able to walk to their events? Is it in walking distance and is it safe to walk?

 

[ChurchSoldier]

You can always go to counseling alone.

 

[pianistclare]

Ask him why his children are so unimportant to him.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

You can always go to counseling alone.

Ditto, and it’s probably a good idea.

 

[ClearWater]

You can always go to counseling alone.

This is true. Sometimes if a spouse won’t go, it can help to go individually.

 

[CradleJourney]

Any thoughts or helpful advice? I don’t know if I’m a doormat or what. If I try to bring up these issues, he says I am too critical / judgmental / I’m never content.

For us the only way to get everyone everywhere was to figure out one or two people for each event type who’d be willing to give our kids rides.

Ex. for soccer, you could ask another team member’s parent if they live reasonably close and if they could give your child a ride on X night because you’re not available and hubby won’t be home from work.

If he does end up being home from work when they come to pick up the child, he can explain why he’s not doing it himself.

Could be enough “shame” in having other parents keep showing up to take his kids places that he’ll start doing it himself (if he’s able). On the other hand, if he’s legitimately not, it may improve your relationship in that he may appreciate that you solved a problem and relieved him of what he saw as a no-win situation.

I’ve felt bad on more than one occasion for having to solicit assistance for various events, but for us, my husband has a weird, non-predictable work schedule, and my work hours also vary - then add in four kids needing to be in multiple places and asking for help is the only way they’d end up anywhere. Most parents seem more than willing to help, thankfully.

 

[27lw]

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut.

I think he does have social anxiety, or some form of anxiety. He refuses to see anyone or discuss it with his family doc, because he feels there is a stigma to it, and he doesn’t want it “on his record” that he has a “mental illness”.

I have tried going to counseling on my own. All I have been able to afford is to go to an employee assistance program through work, which has a limit of 3-4 sessions annually. In fact, I went last summer, and I saw a counselor I had seen a few times before. At one point he looked at me intently, and said, you know, you first came here with these same problems eight years ago. Part of me wants to leave him, but then he might get a new girlfriend or wife, and I don’t want some other woman raising my kids every other weekend or whatever it would be. (aside from the obvious problem of it not being very Catholic to get divorced). I just feel like I am constantly stuck in a rut with my husband.
If the kids were to ask him to take them, he would use him same excuse (Daddy doesn’t feel well, etc.). They wouldn’t press him because I think they are somewhat afraid of him - - he would just lecture them about “don’t be disrespectful to Dad”.
Thanks for your advice everybody - - I may try more of that getting other families to help me out. Also might be time for another round of counseling…

 

[EasterJoy]

For me, it would depend on how other things are going. Many marriages manage with one partner essentially “failing” what is normally considered a non-negotiable because the spouses or just the other spouse decide to work around it.

After all, let us say you left your husband (separated with the bond remaining) over this. He still won’t be taking your children to these events. He might even get a custody agreement that puts them with him and gives him the authority to decide that they don’t get to go, either, because it is his time with them. It was hard to be with him, it causes you real suffering, but the alternative (in this case) could be even worse.

Having said that, I think if you work around it you deserve he be honest with you. He might do that if you say, “Listen. I’ll find other transportation for the children. This is not normal, though. Maybe it is just something we have to work around, but I deserve to get an explanation from you and not just more excuses. If you can do that without a counselor, fine. Otherwise, I’m going to arrange to see a counselor, and you can pay twice as much for me to go twice as often or else we can go together and maybe figure this out reasonably quickly. What do you say? If I promise I will not force you to do this, will you talk to me about it? Will you let me in on why you needed to ask this of us? Come on. Throw me a bone, here.”

See where that goes. It could be that if you know why he’s asking you to do this you will be willing to freely make the sacrifice to compensate for something he can’t compensate for on his own. It could even make your marriage better, because your mutual trust could grow by navigating this. You never know. The current arrangement does not work, though, because he has you on the outside with no way to look in.

 

[Lou2U]

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut.

I think he does have social anxiety, or some form of anxiety. He refuses to see anyone or discuss it with his family doc, because he feels there is a stigma to it, and he doesn’t want it “on his record” that he has a “mental illness”.

I have tried going to counseling on my own. All I have been able to afford is to go to an employee assistance program through work, which has a limit of 3-4 sessions annually. In fact, I went last summer, and I saw a counselor I had seen a few times before. At one point he looked at me intently, and said, you know, you first came here with these same problems eight years ago. Part of me wants to leave him, but then he might get a new girlfriend or wife, and I don’t want some other woman raising my kids every other weekend or whatever it would be. (aside from the obvious problem of it not being very Catholic to get divorced). I just feel like I am constantly stuck in a rut with my husband.
If the kids were to ask him to take them, he would use him same excuse (Daddy doesn’t feel well, etc.). They wouldn’t press him because I think they are somewhat afraid of him - - he would just lecture them about “don’t be disrespectful to Dad”.
Thanks for your advice everybody - - I may try more of that getting other families to help me out. Also might be time for another round of counseling…

Counseling is definitely a good idea.

Have you told him that you feel stuck in a rut with him? Does he understand how serious this is? If I were you, I would have a very frank conversation about the state of your relationship and his relationship with the children. They shouldn’t be scared of their own father.

I have a form of social anxiety, and sometimes I’d rather be anywhere else than at certain evens. It doesn’t mean that I can just avoid them with no thought for anyone else. Your husband has got into the habit of just saying no without considering if the event may be okay. Avoidance is the worse thing someone can do in this situation because it creates a cycle of staying away from places when in reality, they’re easily manageable. This might sound like a pain, but is there any way you and your husband could take the children together, so he gets used to the environment and sees it isn’t so bad?

Lou

 

[mommy_k]

How many events a week-and how many children? A parent also needs downtime, and if these are too frequent-other arrangements can be made.

I agree to carpool with other families-Perhaps talk to the coaches and see if there can be arrangements to carpool with other familes, or even with him and his children.this is not unusual as I have brought kids to practice and so has dh.

He should have a physical if he is always tired.

And here’s my secret: I hate to be a chaperone for class trips. I have done this before, and to me it is a hostage situation. There is a million other places I would rather be then stuck on a school bus with a class full of kids and I don’r have social anxiety. This does not mean I don’t love my kids-it just means–I hate to chaperone. So dh steps up. If dh asked me to go to counseling, I would be insulted. You have to meet your dh where he’s at, pehaps he just dislikes sitting and watching events. Not everyone has the same enthusiasm for this.

 

[pianistclare]

You can probably get little or no cost counseling through your Archdiocese’ Family Services office. Try them.
That your children are frightened of their father’s outbursts is a red flag. Trust me, I know from experience. This is more than social anxiety from what you have written.
I will pray for you. He needs to acknowledge that something is amiss. I hope things begin to lighten up for you and that your friends are cooperative. Myself, I hate asking people for favors. But something has to give. Or…you might consider cutting back on what the kids are doing. No one ever failed to get into college because they didn’t do soccer.
God bless you. I hope things work out with counseling.
Peace.

 

[27lw]

How many events a week-and how many children? A parent also needs downtime, and if these are too frequent-other arrangements can be made.

I agree to carpool with other families-Perhaps talk to the coaches and see if there can be arrangements to carpool with other familes, or even with him and his children.this is not unusual as I have brought kids to practice and so has dh.

He should have a physical if he is always tired.

And here’s my secret: I hate to be a chaperone for class trips. I have done this before, and to me it is a hostage situation. There is a million other places I would rather be then stuck on a school bus with a class full of kids and I don’r have social anxiety. This does not mean I don’t love my kids-it just means–I hate to chaperone. So dh steps up. If dh asked me to go to counseling, I would be insulted. You have to meet your dh where he’s at, pehaps he just dislikes sitting and watching events. Not everyone has the same enthusiasm for this.

It’s not too frequently I need him to pitch in to run the kids around. Maybe once every 3-4 months. I do 95% of the kid-driving, but every now and then I just can’t do it. I’ve curtailed a lot of activities, because I just can’t get them to stuff on my own. Soccer is really the only outside activity that one child needs to be driven to. It’s only for about 6 weeks, but it’s a pretty intense 6 weeks.
This all came up because last night there was an academic honors ceremony that my oldest daughter (in high school) was receiving an award. I work Tuesday nights, and I simply could not get out of work. Hubby had to stay late at work, he got home about 7:00, the same time the event started. I asked him if he could possibly go late, (since she is a sophomore, their part would start until 7:45 or 8:00). Anyway, long story short, he basically said he absolutely couldn’t, he had been at work for 10 hours, there was no time to get ready, his back hurt, etc.
I did try to have a discussion with him this morning, because he could tell I was bothered by something. We just left it at “I’m upset, I wish that you could occasionally attend their events, especially if you are the only one available to take them”, and he left it at “there was no way I could go”.
I think you are right pianistclare - - it’s more than social anxiety. I will see if I can find counseling through the diocese, or maybe my health care coverage is better now than last time I looked into this. There are lots of other issues in the marriage, it’s just that this one is top-of-mind right now. And yes, he does have regular physicals, he does have recurrent physical conditions (many of them stress-related).
Thanks again everyone - - good to have a sounding board…

 

[pensmama87]

It’s not too frequently I need him to pitch in to run the kids around. Maybe once every 3-4 months. I do 95% of the kid-driving, but every now and then I just can’t do it. I’ve curtailed a lot of activities, because I just can’t get them to stuff on my own. Soccer is really the only outside activity that one needs to be driven to.
This all came up because last night there was an academic honors ceremony that my oldest daughter (in high school) was receiving an award. I work Tuesday nights, and I simply could not get out of work. Hubby had to stay late at work, he got home about 7:00, the same time the event started. I asked him if he could possibly go late, (since she is a sophomore, their part would start until 7:45 or 8:00). Anyway, long story short, he basically said he absolutely couldn’t, he had been at work for 10 hours, there was no time to get ready, his back hurt, etc.
I did try to have a discussion with him this morning, because he could tell I was bothered by something. We just left it at “I’m upset, I wish that you could occasionally attend their events, especially if you are the only one available to take them”, and he left it at “there was no way I could go”.
I think you are right pianistclare - - it’s more than social anxiety. I will see if I can find counseling through the diocese, or maybe my health care coverage is better now than last time I looked into this. There are lots of other issues in the marriage, it’s just that this one is top-of-mind right now.
Thanks again everyone - - good to have a sounding board…

If you were asking him regularly to do this, I could understand his reluctance. But I have to say that as a 10th grader, I would have been absolutely crushed by a parent’s refusal to drive me to an awards ceremony.

I’m wondering at what point he knows about these events. I would have thought the scheduling difficulty would have presented itself early, and he could have prepared. It does stink to be told right away when you’re planning on a relaxing evening that there’s something to do. Do you use a family calendar at all?

 

[Xantippe]

If you were asking him regularly to do this, I could understand his reluctance. But I have to say that as a 10th grader, I would have been absolutely crushed by a parent’s refusal to drive me to an awards ceremony.

I’m wondering at what point he knows about these events. I would have thought the scheduling difficulty would have presented itself early, and he could have prepared. It does stink to be told right away when you’re planning on a relaxing evening that there’s something to do. Do you use a family calendar at all?

That’s a good point.

It may be time to serve up a big dish of parental guilt to your husband (when the kids are well out of earshot). Some possibilities:

“Suzie is going to be out of the house in just a couple of years and then we’ll wish that we had done more stuff with her.”

“What kind of childhood memories are we creating for the kids? The time we didn’t come to Bobby’s concert, the time we didn’t go to Suzie’s award ceremony, and so on. I hope the kids forgive us for this stuff.”

“Suzie is such a good kid. I think it’s the least we can do to show up at her award ceremony and demonstrate that we think that she is important to us, that we love her, and that we value all her hard work.”

“I think it’s important to reward the kids for hard work. When the kids work hard and achieve and we don’t reinforce that, we’re punishing them for being good kids. If we don’t notice them being good, it’s possible that they’ll start being bad, just to get our attention.”

“Bobby is going to get the XYZ award at the ceremony we weren’t able to attend. If you can’t attend the ceremony, how do you plan to make it up to Bobby?”

If he won’t go to a therapist, you go to a therapist. I also recommend the book “Don’t Shoot the Dog” and “Transforming the Difficult Child.” The latter book I recommend not for your kids, but for dealing with your husband.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes to all of the above.
I want to simply add:
A daughter who does not get positive reinforcement and love from a dad…seeks it elsewhere and is not terribly well equipped to distinguish between genuine love and a predator.
Not to be an alarmist, but his proper place as a father is to nurture her in a way that prepares her for when and if she decides to marry.

 

[27lw]

That’s a good point.

It may be time to serve up a big dish of parental guilt to your husband (when the kids are well out of earshot). Some possibilities:

“Suzie is going to be out of the house in just a couple of years and then we’ll wish that we had done more stuff with her.”

“What kind of childhood memories are we creating for the kids? The time we didn’t come to Bobby’s concert, the time we didn’t go to Suzie’s award ceremony, and so on. I hope the kids forgive us for this stuff.”

“Suzie is such a good kid. I think it’s the least we can do to show up at her award ceremony and demonstrate that we think that she is important to us, that we love her, and that we value all her hard work.”

“I think it’s important to reward the kids for hard work. When the kids work hard and achieve and we don’t reinforce that, we’re punishing them for being good kids. If we don’t notice them being good, it’s possible that they’ll start being bad, just to get our attention.”

“Bobby is going to get the XYZ award at the ceremony we weren’t able to attend. If you can’t attend the ceremony, how do you plan to make it up to Bobby?”

If he won’t go to a therapist, you go to a therapist. I also recommend the book “Don’t Shoot the Dog” and “Transforming the Difficult Child.” The latter book I recommend not for your kids, but for dealing with your husband.

Oh boy. If I were to make these kinds of comments to him, his reply would be: “I’m tired of these head games! Don’t guilt-trip me, I know what kind of bullying you are up to! I’'m not stupid - - I know you’re trying to bully me! I’m doing the best I can - - don’t try to say that I’m not a good Dad!” These would not be delivered at a pleasant volume.

Part of the problem is that the school did not give us a lot of notice – about 2 weeks. That’s why I couldn’t get the night off work, someone already asked for that night off. Last year I brought her (and our other 2 kids), he stayed at home, because he had a “persistent cough” (I found the old email where he begged off).

 

[Xantippe]

Oh boy. If I were to make these kinds of comments to him, his reply would be: “I’m tired of these head games! Don’t guilt-trip me, I know what kind of bullying you are up to! I’'m not stupid - - I know you’re trying to bully me! I’m doing the best I can - - don’t try to say that I’m not a good Dad!” These would not be delivered at a pleasant volume.

Part of the problem is that the school did not give us a lot of notice – about 2 weeks. That’s why I couldn’t get the night off work, someone already asked for that night off. Last year I brought her (and our other 2 kids), he stayed at home, because he had a “persistent cough” (I found the old email where he begged off).

“I didn’t say you’re not a good dad–I’m asking you how you’re planning on making it up to Bobby.”

Then just leave it there.

 

[pensmama87]

Oh boy. If I were to make these kinds of comments to him, his reply would be: “I’m tired of these head games! Don’t guilt-trip me, I know what kind of bullying you are up to! I’'m not stupid - - I know you’re trying to bully me! I’m doing the best I can - - don’t try to say that I’m not a good Dad!” These would not be delivered at a pleasant volume.

Part of the problem is that the school did not give us a lot of notice – about 2 weeks. That’s why I couldn’t get the night off work, someone already asked for that night off. Last year I brought her (and our other 2 kids), he stayed at home, because he had a “persistent cough” (I found the old email where he begged off).

He still had two weeks to figure out how to do it, if he knew about it when the school gave notice. (I’m basing this on the assumption that he could avoid working late if he had notice of something - he’s just choosing not to, or is oblivious of the date).

I would point out the pattern, too, and ask him what he thinks it says. It’s not head games, but a statement of facts.