Spouse won't go to events

[Xantippe]

Oh boy. If I were to make these kinds of comments to him, his reply would be: “I’m tired of these head games! Don’t guilt-trip me, I know what kind of bullying you are up to! I’'m not stupid - - I know you’re trying to bully me! I’m doing the best I can - - don’t try to say that I’m not a good Dad!” These would not be delivered at a pleasant volume.

Come to think of it, if that’s what your conversations sound like, that would be a good thing to talk to a therapist about, because a good therapist will help you field that stuff.

Also, although I’m not saying that your husband is technically abusive, I think you might also learn a lot from the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.” The answer the book gives is basically–because it works.

I would suggest working with a therapist to make your husband’s behaviors stop working for him.

 

[SyroMalankara]

10 hours of work every day is a long day, especially if it’s physical labor. I can see him not mentally/physically/psychologically able to go when all he could have been thinking about at work is when he’d get to get off his feet.

I wouldn’t guilt trip the guy if I were you, but are there any relatives or friends or even same-gender trusted teachers that could help in a bind?

 

[Xantippe]

10 hours of work every day is a long day, especially if it’s physical labor. I can see him not mentally/physically/psychologically able to go when all he could have been thinking about at work is when he’d get to get off his feet.

I wouldn’t guilt trip the guy if I were you, but are there any relatives or friends or even same-gender trusted teachers that could help in a bind?

The kids are getting close to the age where they could drive him.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh boy. If I were to make these kinds of comments to him, his reply would be: “I’m tired of these head games! Don’t guilt-trip me, I know what kind of bullying you are up to! I’'m not stupid - - I know you’re trying to bully me! I’m doing the best I can - - don’t try to say that I’m not a good Dad!” These would not be delivered at a pleasant volume.

Part of the problem is that the school did not give us a lot of notice – about 2 weeks. That’s why I couldn’t get the night off work, someone already asked for that night off. Last year I brought her (and our other 2 kids), he stayed at home, because he had a “persistent cough” (I found the old email where he begged off).

Anyone can bring home a paycheck. It takes more to be a dad.
What was his dad like? Does he have a real life example of this?

 

[27lw]

Anyone can bring home a paycheck. It takes more to be a dad.
What was his dad like? Does he have a real life example of this?

His family is kind of messy.
His dad is a difficult person - - they don’t have the best relationship. He was emotionally abusive while my hubby was growing up as well. He left the marriage / family when his boys were 16 and 14. My husband is currently estranged from his mom as well - - I think she does have something like borderline personalty disorder. I haven’t seen her in 20 years - - since before we got married (secretly at the courthouse - - so we wouldn’t have to deal with her). Our kids have never met her. We live hundreds of miles from all of his family and all of my family.

 

[pianistclare]

His family is kind of messy.
His dad is a difficult person - - they don’t have the best relationship. He was emotionally abusive while my hubby was growing up as well. He left the marriage / family when his boys were 16 and 14. My husband is currently estranged from his mom as well - - I think she does have something like borderline personalty disorder. I haven’t seen her in 20 years - - since before we got married (secretly at the courthouse - - so we wouldn’t have to deal with her). Our kids have never met her. We live hundreds of miles from all of his family and all of my family.

So…no real model of what a good dad looks like.
His “norm” is not working for your family.
Someone has to impress that upon him. Maybe the kids themselves could express
“Dad, we need you in our lives. I can live without a new tablet, but I can’t live without you to talk to and share things with.”

 

[mommy_k]

Yes, schools here are notorious for giving 11th hour events or changes. It’s a challenge.

It’s very hard to p(name removed by moderator)oint why your dh is not attending these things-scheduling, tiredness, depression and so on… A clue would be if he is interacting and doing things with the children besides these events. If he is, it would not be as critical. I would think it is scheduling and tiredness.

Another clue woud be if he agrees to attend more events with you there too.
If so, then there may be a social anxiety thing going on and needs you there for support.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, schools here are notorious for giving 11th hour events or changes. It’s a challenge.

It’s very hard to p(name removed by moderator)oint why your dh is not attending these things-scheduling, tiredness, depression and so on… A clue would be if he is interacting and doing things with the children besides these events. If he is, it would not be as critical. I would think it is scheduling and tiredness.

Another clue woud be if he agrees to attend more events with you there too.
If so, then there may be a social anxiety thing going on and needs you there for support.

Those are very good points.

 

[kptrs]

Hi all,
I just want a quick idea if I am on the right track, or not.
My husband basically will never take the kids to their events (I work some weekends and evenings). So, if I am not at home, he won’t take them to things like soccer games, awards ceremonies, etc. There often is a bit of a time problem, such as, he gets home at just the same time an event is starting.
So, consequently, my kids sometimes miss their events / games / concerts. I get really upset, but if I try to discuss this, he uses his work hours as an excuse, or he often says his back hurts, his stomach is upset, etc.

We definitely have other issues in our marriage as well. I used to ask him to go to marriage counseling, but he won’t (he said if there are problems in our marriage, they are my problems). This was 8-9 years ago, and I have basically given up in a lot of ways. I vacillate between figuring that he basically does have emotional / physical issues, and he is not capable of certain things. Then I realize if it’s an event he does want to go to, he manages to deal with his fear of crowds / back pain / stomach issues.

Any thoughts or helpful advice? I don’t know if I’m a doormat or what. If I try to bring up these issues, he says I am too critical / judgmental / I’m never content.

This part bothers me. Okay, so he has anxiety issues. That’s perfectly understandable. What is not understandable is that he’s able to make it work if he wants to go to an event but not if you request that he takes the kids places, especially to somewhere like an awards ceremony for your daughter.

His potential reactions to your statements of guilt are also…sorry, but I guess I’m going to use the term verbally abusive. Manipulative at best, abusive at worst, anyway.

It’s a shame he refuses counseling because it sounds like he needs it.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think this would be a good approach, although maybe you didn’t expect her to say that directly to him.

Depending on his temperament, it may be possible to ask him to take small steps? Perhaps pick up one event occasionally? Either that, or give up on this entirely and ask him to take over some other household duty that you can’t stand so you are free to drive the kids around? Maybe that is a compromise? If you have a daughter in 10th grade then my guess is your spouse has been fighting this battle for YEARS is that right? Maybe it is time to call a truce? Can you approach him and say "Look I won’t bug you to drive the kids ever again, if you take over grocery shopping or cooking or whatever do we have a deal?’ Then give that a try for a few months and see how it goes and then revisit it. Maybe it’s a bit weird but at least you will each have some peace and stop fighting the same ongoing frustrating battle for 15+ years. His kids miss him at these events yes, but he isn’t going anyway and it is an ongoing battle between you two which isn’t healthy, better settle the matter and be done with it. He can have a relationship with his children on the weekends and at dinnertime and be a loving and wonderful dad your children will be fine if you are a good mom that builds their father up to your children!

I could agree that he is selfish, or wrong and that you both need counseling etc. but that won’t accomplish much because none of those are going to help your family now. You seem to need a quick solution because you are burned out and need a solution that will work fairly soon. Perhaps your husband would be agreeable since he might be relieved of the pressure.

In addition, since your marriage is under stress I would urge you to do all you can to build your husband up. Telling your husband that you love and appreciate his working and his dedication to providing for a family can be very meaningful to a man, even though he might not show it right away. Try and do it in front of your children too if you can, this is good for them to see.

There are some possible pitfalls, though–for instance if the OP outearns him, earns more or less what he does, and/or if he is disappointed by his career and/or doubts the sincerity of the OP’s praise.

He sounds like kind of a prickly guy, so a lot of stuff may set him off.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think this would be a good approach, although maybe you didn’t expect her to say that directly to him.

Depending on his temperament, it may be possible to ask him to take small steps? Perhaps pick up one event occasionally? Either that, or give up on this entirely and ask him to take over some other household duty that you can’t stand so you are free to drive the kids around? Maybe that is a compromise? If you have a daughter in 10th grade then my guess is your spouse has been fighting this battle for YEARS is that right? Maybe it is time to call a truce? Can you approach him and say "Look I won’t bug you to drive the kids ever again, if you take over grocery shopping or cooking or whatever do we have a deal?’ Then give that a try for a few months and see how it goes and then revisit it. Maybe it’s a bit weird but at least you will each have some peace and stop fighting the same ongoing frustrating battle for 15+ years. His kids miss him at these events yes, but he isn’t going anyway and it is an ongoing battle between you two which isn’t healthy, better settle the matter and be done with it. He can have a relationship with his children on the weekends and at dinnertime and be a loving and wonderful dad your children will be fine if you are a good mom that builds their father up to your children!

I could agree that he is selfish, or wrong and that you both need counseling etc. but that won’t accomplish much because none of those are going to help your family now. You seem to need a quick solution because you are burned out and need a solution that will work fairly soon. Perhaps your husband would be agreeable since he might be relieved of the pressure.

In addition, since your marriage is under stress I would urge you to do all you can to build your husband up. Telling your husband that you love and appreciate his working and his dedication to providing for a family can be very meaningful to a man, even though he might not show it right away. Try and do it in front of your children too if you can, this is good for them to see.

Why would a person “bargain” with someone who is unreasonable?
This is likely not plain anxiety. This guy has real issues stemming from his childhood.
This “I promise never to bug you again” is not a good line to take. Because it’s not true. At some point she’s going to have to ask him fro something else, another thing to do.
That’s another thing about being married. It’s never going to be “ok, I’ll do everything…you just sit back and relax.” People like this are very direct. Be direct back to them. That is what they understand. Bargain with someone like this, and you’ll be making concessions in their favor forever. that gets old and wears down a marriage quicker than anything.
Of course she needs a quick solution. She IS burnt out. He also is not doing his part.
I don’t see why it’s a crime to begin a dialog about it. He probably doesn’t see it as neglecting his kids because all he knows is that he works and pays for things.
He needs to be told that parenting is more than a roof. Once that light bulb goes off, he’ll be glad she said something. It’s going to be a very lonely old age if he doesn’t wake up. Kids never forget.

 

[27lw]

Thanks again for everyone’s sympathetic and insightful comments. I think part of the problem is that I am prone to focusing on the negative at times - - thus partially causing arguments and bad feelings!
I think there are a lot of things to improve here, my communication with him, asking for help from others when needed, and chilling out when things can’t be helped. Etc. etc. etc. The more I “push” him, the worse things get, so as many commenters suggested, I partly just need to focus on what is going to improve the situation, not who is right / wrong / most anxiety-ridden.

Thanks again everyone - - for being a friend that listens and gives some helpful words!

 

[tomarin]

I don’t think anyone particularly relishes driving the kids around to their activities but you do it anyway because you know those activities mean a lot to them and you don’t want them to be disappointed. I’ve never heard of a parent refusing to do it, at least once in a while.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks again for everyone’s sympathetic and insightful comments. I think part of the problem is that I am prone to focusing on the negative at times - - thus partially causing arguments and bad feelings!
I think there are a lot of things to improve here, my communication with him, asking for help from others when needed, and chilling out when things can’t be helped. Etc. etc. etc. The more I “push” him, the worse things get, so as many commenters suggested, I partly just need to focus on what is going to improve the situation, not who is right / wrong / most anxiety-ridden.

Thanks again everyone - - for being a friend that listens and gives some helpful words!

I know you feel trapped. You feel like if you say anything it will get worse. Imagine that you were listening to your little sister saying this about her husband. you would be alarmed. I’m not saying this because it “worked” for me. it didn’t work! It got way worse. Deadly worse. When you don’t get him help, you give permission to keep treating you and the children badly. Don’t enable this behavior by looking the other way and saying “oh well, what are ya gonna do?”

He needs help. Get him some. For his sake as much as for the sake of the family.
I’ll pray for you. Be not afraid. God doesn’t want this for you. It took me a long time to see that.

 

[TOBaddict]

I have to ask, what is he like with the kids at home and other times when he doesn’t have to go out? This situation sounds just like my dad. I am in my mid-20s and at the age where you start looking back on your childhood and seeing it for what it really was. My dad goes to work and comes home and sits in front of the TV. This is honestly all he does, weekdays and weekends. My mom says he works hard, etc., but he has never taken me anywhere for after school activities or any event…my entire life… even though I was only in one or two per week. There are even some academic achievement awards my mom went to alone. But even at home, he ignores me.

With the help of my therapist, I have realized that he is not all right. He is a narcissist, so he’s legitimately incapable of doing these selfless things, no matter how tired, sick, etc. He also probably suffers from depression. It’s understandable if you’re tired for an event or extended time, but if you’ve been tired my entire life to the point you can’t do anything, you have either a mental or physical problem that needs attention. I can’t put into words the devastating effects this has had on me and I’m sure your kids are noticing as well that dad isn’t involved. I think my mom must feel like a single parent. Don’t give up. Please get help because your kids deserve a father.

To help, you may want to check out this website, and get some counseling. Check out Dr. Fitzgibbons’s other videos on youtube as well. maritalhealing.com/

 

[kptrs]

I agree most parents don’t love driving their kids around. What I am struggling with is the idea that this husband not attending events is sinful, when he probably didn’t agree to sign them up in the first place, and I guess I believe the act of attending/not attending driving/not driving is morally neutral. The original post mentioned that many times the events started when he just got home from work. My husband worked long hours for years and sometimes I had to tell my children dad needed rest in order to teach them respect for their father. Maybe I read the posts from my own perspective and not that of others here.

This thread seems to strike a chord with many people, as TOBaddict pointed out perhaps the father is neglecting his children in other ways or is narcissistic. If that is the case then indeed the family needs serious counseling and soon. I suppose we all read these posts through our own lenses and based on our own past experiences. I didn’t get the impression that this situation was cause for alarm but then again I have been wrong before.

You can make the argument that hurting loved ones’ feelings is at least borderline morally sinful. He may not have agreed to the kids’ activities but he agreed to being their father. Children need more from their father than financial support. It’s not wrong for kids to want to go to activities and it’s not an unreasonable request for a father to attend activities with his kids at least once in awhile. Especially if he does go to certain events not involving the kids (as I interpreted from the original post), despite his anxiety/back pain/etc.

 

[kptrs]

Honestly the OP’s husband reminds me a lot of my paternal grandfather. He had health issues, mostly involving his lungs. He refused to go to church with my grandmother or generally go and do anything my grandma wanted to do. He also wouldn’t attend my events at school. He refused to get on an airplane to visit his daughter who lived across the country. This was all because church/school events/airplanes were crowded and he thought he’d get a lung infection.

Well, then he won a golf trip in a contest (he loved golf and played avidly). And what do you know, he got on the airplane, made the trip, and did all sorts of activities involving crowded areas and all the other things that inhibited him from going to his wife’s and family events.

He also was generally able to do what he wanted, when it was something he wanted…but not when it was important to someone else.

People pick up on those things, especially from their parents. I know my dad and aunt did, and they’re still dealing with emotional scars.

 

[pianistclare]

It seems the unwillingness to go to events is the fallout from an underlying feeling of unhappiness, and feeling put upon.
It’s just the end result of a bigger problem.
this man appears to be extremely unhappy, dissatisfied with life and frankly, he’s blaming his family for this. All of it is fixable if he would take action and get some help.
It’s the way he reacts and the things he says that are alarming.
I get a person might be too tired to go to events. But it’s the words that he uses…the tone of his conversations…the bitterness that needs to be addressed.
He’s angry.
That has to be dealt with before anyone decided who’s going to take the kids to the soccer field.