Spouses choice of movies

[unworthy]

Here are some realities: Movies with plots attractive to men often contain varying degrees of explicit sex. Movies with plots attactive to women have alot of dysfunctional personal relationships.

Are you advocating watching movies that may be an occasion of sin, a mortal sin? Men are visually sensitive. That does not make it okay.

Matthew 5.28:But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

-unworthy

 

[Franciscan]

And I have caught him looking at porn.

I was wondering when someone would ask if you had caught him involved in this.

This is the problem. Trust me from a guy’s point of view. He’s more involved in this thenyou realize. You probably only have seen the tip of the iceberg.

He needs to realize how destructive it is and then decide to stop. Support him becuase it wont be easy for him. Be open to talk about it with him and help him without embarrasing him.

 

[st_ignatius110]

I agree IF the movie centers on sex. However, IF the movie is simply an “action” film which happens to have SOME adult language and/or scenes,

How can any form of sex outside of marriage…watching or participating…be ok for one’s soul? How does this edify you? How does this build the Body of Christ? How does this help your soul get to Heaven?

 

[ekblad7]

Speaking as a woman, I tend to think that the overly romantic, movie is almost as bad as porn b/c it causes us women to wish men were more like the men in the movies (hello, “fairytale wedding” is that term for a reason). We’re exposed to “prince charming” when were young, warping what a real relationship (and man) contains. To me, romantic movies give women unrealistic expectations of men, expectations that they can’t possibley live up to.

I couldn’t agree more which is why I do not watch those types of movies either. I just don’t watch much at all. I think you have to be really choosey in what you watch, read, and listen to.

 

[ekblad7]

How can any form of sex outside of marriage…watching or participating…be ok for one’s soul? How does this edify you? How does this build the Body of Christ? How does this help your soul get to Heaven?

THANK YOU! That’s exactly how I feel! Whether he’s looking for it or not he knows it’s in there and it’s going to affect him one way or another. And it will lead to worse things, ie. porn or extramarital affairs.

 

[Karin]

THANK YOU! That’s exactly how I feel! Whether he’s looking for it or not he knows it’s in there and it’s going to affect him one way or another. And it will lead to worse things, ie. porn or extramarital affairs.

maybe for your dh but lets not lump all people into this…as not all folks have an issue with it and it** does not** always lead to porn or affairs

 

[Princess_Abby]

Unfortantely he did become hostile. I really had no i ntention of discussing this with him at this point. I was quiet last night, though, and he kept pushing until I said something about it. He said too bad and that I was free to sleep on the couch until the baby is born and that he’s fine with not being at the birth.

Amy…

I haven’t really seen anyone address this part of your post, but I can only imagine it’s breaking your heart to have your husband tell you during a pregnancy that you can a) sleep on the couch and b) he doesn’t care if he’s at the birth or not.

I wonder if you and he would be open to a third party, like maybe a Catholic counselor or priest, to help you two with communication during this time? I’m sure you feel like he’s choosing the movies over his wife and his youngest baby–he’d rather have his pregnant wife sleep on the couch then give up the movies??? He’s rather not attend the birth if it means he can’t watch sexually explicit movies???

Is he normally an empathetic person? Can he usually and in years past, understand how and why you feel as you do about other issues, even if he disagrees? Or is he typically unable to understand, connect or put himself in your shoes?

 

[ekblad7]

For the most part he thinks I’m “too holy”. He thinks I want him to sit and watch the Passion over and over again. That is so not true. And if you knew me IRL you would know that I really do not come off as being super holy. I’m not. I wish, but I’m not. I have been a Catholic all my life but only in the past five years or so have I really practiced my Faith. I was totally cafeteria style until I figured out that was so not the way to go. He was raised on a commune with a hippy mother that is anti God and very much dislikes me. Anyway - he’s not like her, really, but I do think much of her beliefs are stuck in his head. What does this have to do with anything? Sorry - I’m rambling. We did go to an awesome Catholic counselor for a long time. He liked her but pretty much disregarded everything she said. We’ve also been to marriage encounter. It went well but the effects lasted maybe six months.

To add to all of this dh is type 1 diabetic and does not care for himself very well. I spent many nights up taking care of him, bringing his blood sugar up, controlling seizures, calling 911, etc. I know I have nagged him about his blood sugars and he views me very negatively as a result.

I suppose I should go back to the counselor even if he doesn’t. I sure could use it right now.

I really appreciate everyone’s comments. Thank you so much.

 

[ecp007]

For the most part he thinks I’m “too holy”. .

I have been a Catholic all my life but only in the past five years or so have I really practiced my Faith. I was totally cafeteria style until I figured out that was so not the way to go. .

He was raised on a commune with a hippy mother that is anti God and very much dislikes me. .

To add to all of this dh is type 1 diabetic and does not care for himself very well. I spent many nights up taking care of him, bringing his blood sugar up, controlling seizures, calling 911, etc. I know I have nagged him about his blood sugars and he views me very negatively as a result. .

What does this have to do with anything? Sorry - I’m rambling. .

No, you are not rambling, you are getting to the real problem. As I tried to tell you before, your hurt feelings about a movie, and his hostile reaction to your benign request have absolutely NOTHING to do with movies, sex, or porn! That is a symptom of deeper issues.

If you went on Worldwide Marriage Encounter, they taught you to:

1. Start out by telling your husband his most endearing quality today
2. Concentrate on how you feel, knowing that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are
3. Listening to your husband about how he feels, knowing that his feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are
4. Try to stay away from judgements, accusations, denials, pontificating, preaching, etc.

If you stay focused on how you feel, it is more likely you will get to the bottom of the issue. (Try “Husband, your most endearing quality today is when you fed the dog. I love you for that. Sometimes I feel rejected and ignored in the evenings, I really need you, and have a need to feel you love me.” This is more effective than “I feel degraded when you sin”. I bet your husband will be more motivated by your true feelings, than by being told he is “sinning” or than pontificating about “Hollywood degrading women”. Especially, if you listen with respect, to his feelings, even if it is hard to take in those feelings.

Your husband appears to have many good qualities. You have many children together. By your own admission, you have become more pious recently (which may not be what your husband bargained for when he married you). Count your blessings, focus on the positive, and make it work. You have too many children depending on you, for you to take the luxury of letting a few “R” rated movies destroy your relationship.

 

[mdgspencer]

Addiction to pornography is becoming common because it is very easily available on the internet. For one thing, it can be detrimental to the person’s family life. Perhaps your husband has a similar addiction. If so, though perhaps in time he will listen to you all the same. I will pray for the two of you.
This involves a problem that may be common. What if becoming married to some one, you discover serious sin in the person’s life? What to do then? I am not sure about this myself.

 

[maria29]

I am very bothered by my husband’s choice of movies. We belong to netflix and he repeatedly rents things that contain explicit sexuality, extreme violance, and of course swearing. I guess the violance and the swearing don’t bother me as much as the sex. He knows how I feel about this, how I feel degraded, and that it’s a sin but he continues to do it. I am seven months pregnant with our seventh child and I really feel that I don’t even want him at the birth. I’m so disgusted and put off by this. I have begged, cried, ignored, prayed, etc. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Any advice?

**I am wondering if you could give us the name of several of these movies?This is what i consider Action genre (as does IMDB)

Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Star Wars Trilogy, Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Die Hard, Good Fellas, The Hunt for Red October, Pulp Fiction and basically any war, mafia, submarine movies.

For me personally its hard to tell you any advice without knowing names of the movies,…I agree that many films have sex scenes just thrown in to make a buck and don’t really even need to be there…

As to getting a dvd player that can edit out parts of the movie, that company is fine but be extremely careful if you go with a company that sells edited or clean versions of movies as this is illegal and violates copyright laws.**

 

[st_ignatius110]

And it will lead to worse things, ie. porn or extramarital affairs.

This I would not neccessarily agree with. It MIGHT lead to porn or extra marital affairs. The only men that this would happen with would be men that already struggle with a deep seated lust. My husband and I used to watch all sorts of movies together. We never had a problem in our marriage because of these movies or a problem with porn because of these movies. However, we threw our tv away a few months ago and have been MUCH happier without it!

 

[ekblad7]

By the grace of God dh attended a talk with our oldest child’s youth group about the media/what movies/shows you bring into your home (even if you don’t let your kids watch them). It was an eye opener for him, apparently, and he is now checking the USCCB website before renting movies. I had given up that he would change his viewing habits but I did pray about it. Thank you all for your prayers, advice, and for letting me see things through your eyes.

 

[Lila_grace]

I was in a situation like this myself…when I talked to my husband about it we came to a compromise that if he absolutly MUST watch those types of film that we’d fast forward through the sex scenes since “supossedly” he was watching them for the thrilling action parts. I’m still not sure I buy the action bit but he agreed to fast forward so I’m content.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

By the grace of God dh attended a talk with our oldest child’s youth group about the media/what movies/shows you bring into your home (even if you don’t let your kids watch them). It was an eye opener for him, apparently, and he is now checking the USCCB website before renting movies. I had given up that he would change his viewing habits but I did pray about it. Thank you all for your prayers, advice, and for letting me see things through your eyes.

Wow! That’s fantastic! Glory be to the Lord!