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mommy_k
Guest
So if your 18 year old throws a party in your home and you had the opportunity to stop this by monitoring g thier electroniccs and did not…
God forbid somone gets drunk and had an accident —guess who gets sued.
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God forbid somone gets drunk and had an accident —guess who gets sued.
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EasterJoy
Guest
A homeowner has both rights and duties that apply even if the adults living in the house are not relatives, and certainly has the right to see that minors don’t have a right to privacy necessary to violate the law.
Having said that, you’re not saying that you’re going to be held responsible by either Heaven or civil authorities for what your 18 year old did outside your reasonable ability to know because it is some “lack of diligence” you failed to read all of his text messages, right? (Do you get to open his mail, too? Listen on the extension when he’s on the house phone?)
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mommy_k
Guest
A homeowner has both rights and duties that apply even if the adults living in the house are not relatives, and certainly has the right to see that minors don’t have a right to privacy necessary to violate the law.
Having said that, you’re not saying that you’re going to be held responsible by either Heaven or civil authorities for what your 18 year old did outside your reasonable ability to know because it is some “lack of diligence” you failed to read all of his text messages, right? (Do you get to open his mail, too? Listen on the extension when he’s on the house phone?)/QUOTE
I was replyng to Andrea day.but ok…here we go…
You have no monitoring software on you kids phones and internet either?
Or are you saying u do but aren’t diligent? ( not ridiculous extreme as you posted)
why are u attacking me?
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DarkLight
Guest
I think an example EasterJoy pointed out got missed, and has something to contribute.
Suppose, through some unfortunate circumstance, an adult child was disabled and unable to take care of themselves on their own. Would it be reasonable of the parents to continue to monitor their adult child, simply because the young adult was unfortunately unable to provide for themselves? After all, they’re paying.
As far as my personal memories…I emailed a schoolmate at 17. There was nothing immoral in the messages. But Mom didn’t like me emailing a boy because she didn’t know his parents. I thought that was just silly - I was a year away from going off to college away from my parents, but I couldn’t email a guy I knew without my mother being involved.
Suppose, through some unfortunate circumstance, an adult child was disabled and unable to take care of themselves on their own. Would it be reasonable of the parents to continue to monitor their adult child, simply because the young adult was unfortunately unable to provide for themselves? After all, they’re paying.
As far as my personal memories…I emailed a schoolmate at 17. There was nothing immoral in the messages. But Mom didn’t like me emailing a boy because she didn’t know his parents. I thought that was just silly - I was a year away from going off to college away from my parents, but I couldn’t email a guy I knew without my mother being involved.
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mommy_k
Guest
We can’t throw every example on the planet, and ask if it is,ok to do. The thread would have 800 pages. If a child through no fault of their own cannot pay for their phone and are responsible and had discussions about the internet with their parents of course they don’t have to have their internet monitored
The op’s q was it ok to monitor your kids electronic under normal circumstances. It does not ask if people should spy on their kids when they’re in the bathroom, read thier personal mail, and be a warden.
This is about responsibility and teaching kids and how to navigate around these electronic devices in a safe way. If I am paying for the phone under normal circumstances just as if I am paying for their house their shelter their food and other things, i have the right to know how they are using these devices.
I am not a Puritan nor am I someone who is overly strict if you knew me in real life but I prefer that the life lessons that I’ve taught my children also carry through with their communication with friends strangers on yhe internet and on the phone
I have been blessed with very responsible older children and don’t have to monitor them frequently however I do have the right to ask if I can see their phone or look over their shoulder when they are involved on the internet either in a game or purchasing something.
I really don’t care if people here agree or disagree with me however I don’t appreciate the sarcastic remarks that are not very charitable and some of these comments are extremely ridiculous.
When children turn 18 they don’t have a lifetime of experience in anything-it is still a parent’s job to continue to teach them how to navigate in situations in which they have no experience. Yes many eighteen-year-olds are very fluid using the internet however I am hoping that they don’t run into undesirables such as spam fishing than any other illegal activities. Also the more a child experiences negative things on the internet the more they become desensitized and secularized to it. A lifetime of Catholic learning and morality can be lost in an instant when an adult child hooks up with the wrong person on the internet.
And this is what I mean–i don’t have a tracker on my older kids phones I don’t have extreme filters on their phones they have unlimited data and texting and things like that. yes they have their freedom but as a parent if I ask to see their phone or text me,they need to respect my wishes because I am paying for their phone, Android laptop and their computer
I’m not interested if Jane and Bob are dating I am not interested in all the teenage and young adult drama I’m interested in making sure that the morals that I teach and continue to teach carry through.
Kwim? I have never experienced my posts being twisted the way they are here.
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pianistclare
Guest
Agree. This thread got derailed early on.
Unsubscribing for this very reason.
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DarkLight
Guest
The OP posted a very short, generic quote. Of course we’re going to be discussing different examples because there’s not always a one-size-fits all approach to “is spying on your kids right?” It depends on the child, their age and maturity, and the circumstances.
Extreme examples are used to set out principles sometimes. They’re not literal accusations that someone thinks the thing in question is ok. The point of the “spy on the kids in the bathroom example” was that there’s more to it than my house, my rules - that there are boundaries on reasonableness that parents should follow, even if the child might potentially be violating some moral rule. The extreme example is used to establish the basic principle, because it’s extreme enough that no reasonable person would disagree.
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EasterJoy
Guest
I don’t like the dichotomy between spying and responsible parenting. Most of the time, being responsible about how people are using the internet access, media access and cell phones you’ve paid for is not something you need to hide. If you treat your underage teen as being just as vulnerable as anyone else to all the temptations luring a teen into inappropriate behavior, that’s not a comment on their moral fiber. Pride goeth before a fall, as the Good Book says.
If you’re merely keeping watch over those things that you have the right and duty to watch over, you are open about it. Spying implies covert surveillance or sneakiness. That’s the way police operate, not parents, not unless they’re on the watch for children who are also (unfortunately) criminals.
(To be clear: I do not mean to say it is at all “sneaky” to keep track of what an alcoholic or an addict is up to without telling them that they’re being watched. They may try to defensively attack those who won’t trust them any more, but they’ve usually done enough dishonest things to earn the expectation that their every move is going to be watched.)
I’ll stick by saying that a relative living with you who is over 21, whether they are a lot farther over 21 than you are or not, deserves a certain amount of privacy as a matter of respect. If they haven’t violated your trust, you should give them an expectation that they can use the electronic access the house affords with the same expectation of privacy that they’d have if they used your landline phone or had things sent to your postal address.
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Andrea_Day
Guest
I stand by what I said. I don’t believe invading an adult’s personal emails, accounts or devices without their permission is acceptable, with the exception of authorized law enforcement. There are other ways for parents to prevent illegal parties on their residence. Anytime an adult allows other adults to live on their property they take on certain liability risks.
I am unfamiliar with which states would hold parents liable if underage adults were drinking on their property without their knowledge and then crashed driving drunk. To hold parents liable in this case would be highly unjust and any current laws which do this should be changed in my opinion.
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Perian
Guest
This was the vaguest possible prompt. What is there to derail? I’ve found this very thought provoking. I wish I could see the ages and family statuses of the responders to see where the opinions are forming. Very, very interesting topic.
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Lea101
Guest
Honestly, the type of privacy a child gets should vary depending on age. It honestly shocks me to see anyone agreeing that an adult child should not have privacy (text messages, emails, internet history-web filters can be used, but to personally check the websites visited…eh…)
Privacy in terms of what the child is doing in your house (eg throwing a party) should not be too lax, obviously. It’s your house.
In terms of children who are not adults…there is no ideal answer. However parenting becomes spying if you are monitoring the child without their knowledge. If you want to look through the texts, at least let your child know that if they get a phone, you will check their texts randomly and so on. Just my opinion.
My parents thankfully never invaded my privacy (I was allowed to put a password on my phone, keep my door locked, have a diary etc) because it simply never crossed their mind that it was acceptable for them to read my conversations so my opinions might be a little different, haha. For the internet, our service provider has web filters that block off porn, scam and gambling websites. To them, it was enough, unless they have a suspicion that something is really wrong (eg maybe they think i was raped or something).
I guess this is one of those issues where it reeally depends on your child, so strangers cannot really tell you the exact amount of privacy your child should have.
However, I do want to bring up something that people might be offended…I don’t know. But it’s worth mentioning. Ask yourself if you are looking out for your child’s welfare (making sure predators don’t reach your child through the internet etc) or if you are monitoring their activities because you just ‘want to know’. Some parents enjoy being in control and hence they have all of these rules or if they are just curious to know as much information as possible about their child. It obviously comes from a place of love, but maybe they should step back once in a while.
Also imo it is worth mentioning that monitoring your child should be a ‘supplement’ when it comes to making your child stay away from sin. The priority should be educating your child abour sex, ssa, abortion, etc with love and NO JUDGEMENT (for example making remarks about gay people that are uncalled for) and being open to your child’s questions. If they are doubting their faith, they should be able to have a good conversation without you trying to force them to ‘just believe’. Maybe encouraging them to go for catholic youth events is a good idea. When you do all of these things, it’s unlikely that your child will run to planned parenthood to give them answers. When you don’t do these things, privacy will only help so little. They will find another way eventually.
Privacy in terms of what the child is doing in your house (eg throwing a party) should not be too lax, obviously. It’s your house.
In terms of children who are not adults…there is no ideal answer. However parenting becomes spying if you are monitoring the child without their knowledge. If you want to look through the texts, at least let your child know that if they get a phone, you will check their texts randomly and so on. Just my opinion.
My parents thankfully never invaded my privacy (I was allowed to put a password on my phone, keep my door locked, have a diary etc) because it simply never crossed their mind that it was acceptable for them to read my conversations so my opinions might be a little different, haha. For the internet, our service provider has web filters that block off porn, scam and gambling websites. To them, it was enough, unless they have a suspicion that something is really wrong (eg maybe they think i was raped or something).
I guess this is one of those issues where it reeally depends on your child, so strangers cannot really tell you the exact amount of privacy your child should have.
However, I do want to bring up something that people might be offended…I don’t know. But it’s worth mentioning. Ask yourself if you are looking out for your child’s welfare (making sure predators don’t reach your child through the internet etc) or if you are monitoring their activities because you just ‘want to know’. Some parents enjoy being in control and hence they have all of these rules or if they are just curious to know as much information as possible about their child. It obviously comes from a place of love, but maybe they should step back once in a while.
Also imo it is worth mentioning that monitoring your child should be a ‘supplement’ when it comes to making your child stay away from sin. The priority should be educating your child abour sex, ssa, abortion, etc with love and NO JUDGEMENT (for example making remarks about gay people that are uncalled for) and being open to your child’s questions. If they are doubting their faith, they should be able to have a good conversation without you trying to force them to ‘just believe’. Maybe encouraging them to go for catholic youth events is a good idea. When you do all of these things, it’s unlikely that your child will run to planned parenthood to give them answers. When you don’t do these things, privacy will only help so little. They will find another way eventually.
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mommy_k
Guest
It’s called social liability law-it applies to all not just teens. For underage drinking at your home —its’s even worse if an accident happens. Then you are liable for that illegal practice too.
That’s why uber exists.
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