SSA and Marriage/Dating

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SemelProSemper

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I struggle with SSA but am dating a Catholic young man. He doesn’t know I have this cross, and it is tearing me apart trying to decide whether I should tell him and when. I feel as if I am deceiving him, and that I am being selfish; however, I can’t bear facing him and telling him this, especially after he’s become attached. I know it would end right there. I want to be with him, but this SSA issue is killing me. What does the Church say about ppl with SSA and heterosexual romantic relationships? Is it a sin to engage in this way? Is it discouraged? Should I tell him now, or should I hold it off til later? What about marriage (obviously if something were to go that point some guts would have to be spilled beforehand, I know that…)?

Please keep in mind that I am trying to live a chaste life and that I have no interest in going against Church teaching. If it is wrong for someone with SSA to date then I will submit and let my bf know, and hopefully he won’t be totally disgusted with me and we’ll still manage to be friends (yeah right, in my dreams, we’ll be friends… 😦 ).

Sorry if this isn’t the right forum to post this, I wasn’t sure if it should be in Moral Theology or here.

I am trying to get in touch with my confessor/SD but he just had the perfect timing to make himself very unavailable… I’ve left him a message, but who knows when he’ll get back to me. So, I hope somebody on here can give me some direction. Thanks.
 
The answer is it depends on you. It all depends on how strong your SSA is. If your SSA is the type that you are attracted to members of the opposite sex, but occasionally you think of members of the same sex, you can probably date with no problem. If your SSA is so deep seated that you think you can not truely be attracted to a person of the opposite sex both sexually and emotionally then you should not be dating. If that is the case you may be called to a chaste single life.

After dating awhile you will be able to determine whether you can get married or not. Just like any person entering marriage you will have to ask yourself questions like, can you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life? Can you commit yourself to having a sexual relationship with this person and this person alone for the rest of your life? Can you put any lust for any other people to the back of your mind and avoid any temptation?

As for whether you should tell the person, it depends on a few things. If you have ever acted on the SSA you really should at least mention it to the person. Whether you discuss it as something you dealt with in the past or are actively dealing with depends on your personal situation. I highly suggest joining Courage at couragerc.net They may be able to help you work through your problems. There is also an online support group for members of Courage that are married. Contact me via PM for info on joining that group.
 
I would hold nothing against it as I come from the same situation myself. I do have a girlfriend and she already knows. In other ways she is afraid of marriage but if I were to meet a girl with ssa who wasn’t afraid of marriage I would consider a dating relationship in an instant. I have always dreamed that the ideal girlfriend for me would be somebody from the opposite perspective. One who struggles with ssa and still wants to abide by the teachings of the Church.
 
I just wanted to say I wouldn’t mind, but I think I’d like to know.

There is just something so flattering about being chosen by a person struggling with ssa, isn’t there? I know I’d be flattered to know for sure I wasn’t chosen merely on the basis of a physical attraction. 🙂

Sorry if this is in any way offensive, it’s most definitely not meant to be. I admire you and hope and pray you’ll have a happy and fulfilled life!
 
Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. From what I can gather, it doesn’t seem to be sinful for a person with SSA to marry/date in and of itself, and this has soothed my worries even if a tiny fraction. As for the rest, it makes sense that it would depend on the specific circumstances-- not what I want to hear, but I think I knew that’s what I would hear. But it’s hard to draw the line when your body and even your mind are at war against you. I hope you’re right, maybe with time I’ll be able to tell one way or the other in terms of whether I should continue dating. But… sigh.

As for Courage, I joined their Ladies of Courage group a while ago, and all it did was nearly (or, much more likely, actually did) blow my “cover” so to speak. I wasn’t careful enough (forgive me for needing to keep this so secret from ppl in RL, but I could not handle others knowing… the only ones who know are my current and former confessors). Courage does a wonderful (and needed) work, but I can’t risk that again. Thank you for the suggestion, though.

And yeah, I’m thinking more and more that it really isn’t fair to him to keep him in the dark about this. I’ve never done anything with anyone and as I said I have no interest in going against Church teaching, I’ve always kept this thing to myself; but nevertheless I think he really does have a right to know. Some of you said that you wouldn’t mind not knowing, but would appreciate it; still I think if you really were in that situation you would feel betrayed and resentful once you did find out, after having been together for a time and having been “deceived” like that. I know it will really hurt him, and I’m afraid he’ll hate me-- I can’t get my head around how somebody could be understanding or whatever enough to not let this bother them… (my fellow Catholics afflicted with SSA, please don’t take that as an insult! maybe these are just my fears talking…) And paradoxy, I didn’t take offense, but I don’t think very many people will agree with you on that.

🙂 Your prayers must have started to take effect: my SD managed to get in touch with me, and I’ll be talking with him soon.

Please continue to pray for me. I will offer my intentions at Mass tomorrow for all of you. Thank you.
 
SemelProSemper said:
🙂 Your prayers must have started to take effect: my SD managed to get in touch with me, and I’ll be talking with him soon.

Please continue to pray for me. I will offer my intentions at Mass tomorrow for all of you. Thank you.
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God bless you. You are not alone. Many of us who have experienced similar situations are praying for you!
 
Glad you’re going to tell him.
Honesty, especially with something
this big, is vital.
Witholding this information, and proceeding
with the relationship/marriage, could
spell disaster. Better to deal with it before
and not after.
My prayers are with you.
 
SemelProSemper said:
I struggle with SSA but am dating a Catholic young man. He doesn’t know I have this cross, and it is tearing me apart trying to decide whether I should tell him and when. I feel as if I am deceiving him, and that I am being selfish; however, I can’t bear facing him and telling him this, especially after he’s become attached. I know it would end right there. I want to be with him, but this SSA issue is killing me. What does the Church say about ppl with SSA and heterosexual romantic relationships? Is it a sin to engage in this way? Is it discouraged? Should I tell him now, or should I hold it off til later? What about marriage (obviously if something were to go that point some guts would have to be spilled beforehand, I know that…)?

Please keep in mind that I am trying to live a chaste life and that I have no interest in going against Church teaching. If it is wrong for someone with SSA to date then I will submit and let my bf know, and hopefully he won’t be totally disgusted with me and we’ll still manage to be friends (yeah right, in my dreams, we’ll be friends… 😦 ).

Sorry if this isn’t the right forum to post this, I wasn’t sure if it should be in Moral Theology or here.

I am trying to get in touch with my confessor/SD but he just had the perfect timing to make himself very unavailable… I’ve left him a message, but who knows when he’ll get back to me. So, I hope somebody on here can give me some direction. Thanks.
Click to expand...
Depends on how long you’ve been together. This isn’t something that needs to be spilled on a first date, but when things start getting serious then something needs to be said. I don’t know your S/O but I know if it was my husband, I doubt he would much care as long as he knew I was committed to him. There is nothing wrong with your attraction as long as you are committed to living a hetersexual lifestyle. Marriage and family is totally open to you! What you have is a cross indeed, but any decent man who you would want to be with won’t let this bother him. Save sex for marraige to a godly man.

As far as telling him, I would wait until things are getting serious, and I’d plan a time with him to sit down and talk about it. Be ready to answer any of his questions, and be sure to make it quite clear to him that you have no intention to act on any of it, and you are committed to having a Godly catholic marriage someday. I am sure he’ll understand.
 
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