SSA Faith Crisis, plz hlep

[ssa_fellow]

Yeah, I’m sick of crying myself to sleep at night. I’m lonely all the time, and I cry all the time bc of it. And, the Church doesn’t really have a community for me to go to…

Why should I be posting here? Why shouldn’t I be posting on a gay forum, and ask them for advice on how to find someone to date?

Its 4:20 a.m. So, I’m going to bed soon. But, I just wanted it so badly tonight. I wanted someone to hold me and acknowledge my existence.

I’m sick of being a martyr. I’m almost 23 years old, I’m still a virgin. And, in fact, I have never even held someone’s hand who I liked. I’ve never done anything. I have a porn addiction… but that’\ doesn’t really count as “homosexual behavior”

I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life. And, I’m still miserable. Porn is stupid, I grant you, but its also the only way I even get to express myself sexually ever.

I read all these articles about the “chaste friendships”, which entail “male affection” which will be SOOO much deeper than other people’s friendships… Well, I don’t know about any of that. Where is that? What kind of “male affection” can I enjoy, since I’m clearly marred and am in need of it… in order to right the wrongs of my father for raising me poorly (or so I read)…

I don’t want to abandon my faith, or the Church. But, I am miserable. And, I won’t be miserable for my whole life. Just seeing other Catholics who are happy feels like a physical assault to my person, because I am so unhappy. And, any degree of their happiness which they get from the assurance of their future marriages, spouses, children, family, houses, careers… I get none of.

Does the Church have a community, to fix me?

I will not be miserable my whole life. Tell me why I should keep doing this [chastity].

Can I hold hands with my friends? Bc, they don’t want to.

Can I hold hands with another man who I like? Is it a mortal sin to hold another man’s hand? Is that sodomy?

I think its ridiculous. I’m 23, and I know as much about relationships as a 14 year old… maybe less… I can’t have romantic feelings ever. Well, I’m not a-sexual. I’m homosexual. I have sexual feelings, I have sexuality. And I can’t express those needs ever, in any way. Ever. Well, I guess I’ll just keep bottling it inside, and see how long that works…

What would you say to get me to stay in the Church?

I need a resolution to these problems. And, I know how to resolve it sinfully…
I don’t know how to resolve it how the Church wants me to resolve it…?

 

[Curundu]

There are no easy answers to the questions you pose, or to the underlying reason for them.

It seems you have a deep and abiding desire for fatherly love, which is in itself good and natural.

The attempt to express or fulfill that desire through sexual intimacy may seem like the fullest means of achieving the paternal love you desire but it does not work and will not heal you in the way it may seem like it might.

These are the best suggestions I can make, not knowing you well.
1- Seek the paternal care of Saint Joseph. He will help you.
2 - Partake of the sacrament of reconciliation weekly if possible. The sacrament has the power to heal.
3 - Keep close to Jesus. Attend Mass every Sunday at least and visit him in the tabernacle or in adoration as often as possible.

May God bless and heal you.
Curundu

 

[Marie5890]

I am sorry for you pain. It’s my pain too, for different reasons.

Many of us know the pain, the deep pain, of lonilness for different reasons.

I have a serious disability that I have had since I was 7, and I am now 50. And I too have never known the love of which you speak, and never will.

The pain and anguish you are experiencing are not unique. It’s actually quiet common.

Praying for you.

 

[Stephen_says]

HI!

I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, I do not have SSA, but I can relate to a lot of the pain and frustration you express in your post. You are not alone, and you are loved. There are a lot of Catholics who are unhappy with their station in life (hi, nice to meet you), but Catholicism will lead to joy, even in unhappiness.

I understand porn addiction, and it’s a terrible thing, which will eventually (if it hasn’t already) isolate you and affect your current relationships, not to mention prevent you from cultivating new ones. There are ways to beat it, but you need to want to beat it, and that might start you on a path to more happiness, because you won’t be plagued by these images. Please, if you want to move on, go to Jesus in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and go to him often.

Marriage and relationships are not automatically going to solve all problems. There are marriages and relationships that fall apart all the time, and think of the pain of those couples. I would think that those Catholics who are most happy are happy because they are living their vocation.

You said that the church doesn’t have a community to go to. Have you thought about starting a group in your area to help others? It could be that in your pain you have the experience and insight to help a lot of people who are experiencing the same sense of loneliness that you are. If not, you may find a service organization to get involved with, and you might find your loneliness abate when you serve others. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, habitat for humanity, the SPCA, something, anything.

I will pray for you.

Peace

 

[Joe_5859]

Recently, I heard a priest responding in a Q&A session to someone’s questions asking how it is possible for a priest to live a celibate life. His answer was that it is not possible by human power alone. It is only the grace of God, the sacraments, and lots of prayer that make it possible.

I know I can’t know exactly what you’re going through. I was a “late bloomer” in terms of dating and can recall my own feelings of longing just to hold someone’s hand. But now I am married. Yet even in marriage, it’s not all roses and sunshine. There are trials there, too. Just browse the family life forum some time and read some of the threads. The Cross is universal.

Not to minimize what you are experiencing. Not at all. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Even those “others” that seem to have the perfect life will also have trials of their own. They will be different trials than yours, but trials nonetheless.

Living out our sexuality does not mean either having sex or using porn. If that were true, our nuns and priests would be in big trouble!

You are in my prayers.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Fellow,

I love you, brother. Don’t give up!

I love you, and that’s why I want the truth for you. It’s true: you have been isolated, and that’s not good! People have abandoned you, or not been there for you. The Church has been self-absorbed and unwilling to help.

But.

You say “I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life.” That’s not true at all. The Church defines pornography and masturbation as a sin against chastity. Doing these things is not following Church teaching. No, it rather short-circuits your ability to follow Church teaching! You can, and you must, stop. That’s true even if you abandon the Church – the number of gay men who live promiscuous lives surrounded by pornography is massive. Leaving the Church will not help you stop using porn; nor will getting into a relationship with another guy.

Please! You say that there’s no community for you, but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve suggested communities for you in the past, and you didn’t respond. I can tell you of churches where you’ll be cared for and nourished – not perfectly, but with love. Are you willing to do what it takes to be part of these communities? Are you willing to be the change you wish to see in the world?

Let me challenge you: come to the Courage conference this summer. I will be there, and I’d love to introduce myself. You don’t have to know anyone – though you will know me. It doesn’t matter if there’s no Courage chapter near you; you’ll be more than welcome at the conference.

Don’t stop hoping for the redemption of your body!

I’ve got a song for you, too, that expresses my feelings. You can listen to it at andiandi.com/songfiles/hold_on.m3u. Here are the lyrics:

You were once a slave in chains and shackles,
Oh, once a slave, now your old master wants to take you back.
He’s hired thugs and lawyers, masters of persuasion
To question the validity of your emancipation.

But you know whose fingerprints are pressed into your skin.
You know you’ll never have to wear those chains again.

So hold on to what you know. Don’t let 'em take you back. Hold on.

It don’t take Albert Einstein to do the math
You and I won’t see a day of justice till this life is past.
But that outrageous hope keeps burning in our chests.
Keeps us shouting at the strongholds half insane and half dressed.

Yes, you’ve felt the pavement shift beneath your feet,
You know someday their tower’s gonna crumble to the streets.

So hold on to what you know. Don’t let 'em take you back. Hold on.

 

[simpleas]

Fellow,

I love you, brother. Don’t give up!

I love you, and that’s why I want the truth for you. It’s true: you have been isolated, and that’s not good! People have abandoned you, or not been there for you. The Church has been self-absorbed and unwilling to help.

But.

You say “I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life.” That’s not true at all. The Church defines pornography and masturbation as a sin against chastity. Doing these things is not following Church teaching. No, it rather short-circuits your ability to follow Church teaching! You can, and you must, stop. That’s true even if you abandon the Church – the number of gay men who live promiscuous lives surrounded by pornography is massive. Leaving the Church will not help you stop using porn; nor will getting into a relationship with another guy.

Please! You say that there’s no community for you, but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve suggested communities for you in the past, and you didn’t respond. I can tell you of churches where you’ll be cared for and nourished – not perfectly, but with love. Are you willing to do what it takes to be part of these communities? Are you willing to be the change you wish to see in the world?

Let me challenge you: come to the Courage conference this summer. I will be there, and I’d love to introduce myself. You don’t have to know anyone – though you will know me. It doesn’t matter if there’s no Courage chapter near you; you’ll be more than welcome at the conference.

Don’t stop hoping for the redemption of your body!

I’ve got a song for you, too, that expresses my feelings. You can listen to it at andiandi.com/songfiles/hold_on.m3u. Here are the lyrics:

I’m sorry, but give the guy a break, from what he said in the OP it’s not like he is living the gay life style and saying he follows church teaching…
We all know what loneliness can do to us.:sad_yes:

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I’m sorry, but give the guy a break, from what he said in the OP it’s not like he is living the gay life style and saying he follows church teaching…
We all know what loneliness can do to us.:sad_yes:

As a person who has been in his shoes – and as a person who still struggles with pornography – I don’t see why giving him a “break” will help. Porn hurts us. It skews our minds. It makes us hate ourselves.

SSAFellow knows that. He’s felt it.

I’ve looked at gay porn a lot, simpleas, and I’ll tell you that when I look at gay porn I am most certainly living the gay lifestyle. That fact is FREEING. It helps me see that I am not “better” than people who live the gay lifestyle. No, but I am given the opportunity to break free. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.

The OP needs that hope!

 

[simpleas]

As a person who has been in his shoes – and as a person who still struggles with pornography – I don’t see why giving him a “break” will help. Porn hurts us. It skews our minds. It makes us hate ourselves.

SSAFellow knows that. He’s felt it.

I’ve looked at gay porn a lot, simpleas, and I’ll tell you that when I look at gay porn I am most certainly living the gay lifestyle. That fact is FREEING. It helps me see that I am not “better” than people who live the gay lifestyle. No, but I am given the opportunity to break free. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.

The OP needs that hope!

When you said :

You say “I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life.” That’s not true at all.

I thought that was alittle judgemental, we go to church and try our best to follow the “rules” of what the church teaches us. We all fall short, that’s why we go to church!
What works for you in your experience of life will not always work for another.

Good I’m glad you see that your no better than anyone else, I agree to that way of thinking.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

When you said :

You say “I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life.” That’s not true at all.

I thought that was alittle judgemental, we go to church and try our best to follow the “rules” of what the church teaches us. We all fall short, that’s why we go to church!
What works for you in your experience of life will not always work for another.

Good I’m glad you see that your no better than anyone else, I agree to that way of thinking.

If someone says, “I’ve followed Church teaching”, and yet they have a shoplifting habit, I would say, “No, you haven’t followed Church teaching.” Same here. I, for one, know that homosexual temptation is not unique. It’s the same as other sins, and should be treated in the same way.

How do we get the POWER to follow Church teaching, in the midst of our frailties and attachments? That’s a great question. It’s certainly difficult, and there are few of us that can honestly claim to have followed Church teaching – though we may claim (with some level of satisfaction) that we have submitted to Church teaching, if we bring our sins to God in personal prayer and in confession.

 

[simpleas]

If someone says, “I’ve followed Church teaching”, and yet they have a shoplifting habit, I would say, “No, you haven’t followed Church teaching.” Same here. I, for one, know that homosexual temptation is not unique. It’s the same as other sins, and should be treated in the same way.

How do we get the POWER to follow Church teaching, in the midst of our frailties and attachments? That’s a great question. It’s certainly difficult, and there are few of us that can honestly claim to have followed Church teaching – though we may claim (with some level of satisfaction) that we have submitted to Church teaching, if we bring our sins to God in personal prayer and in confession.

I don’t agree, human relationship is much deeper than having a habit of shop lifting…

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I don’t agree, human relationship is much deeper than having a habit of shop lifting…

Looking at porn, though? Isn’t that similar? Or should gay people who look at porn get a pass, simply because they’re gay? Now THAT would be dehumanizing.

 

[ssa_fellow]

Fellow,

I love you, brother. Don’t give up!

I love you, and that’s why I want the truth for you. It’s true: you have been isolated, and that’s not good! People have abandoned you, or not been there for you. The Church has been self-absorbed and unwilling to help.

But.

You say “I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life.” That’s not true at all. The Church defines pornography and masturbation as a sin against chastity. Doing these things is not following Church teaching. No, it rather short-circuits your ability to follow Church teaching! You can, and you must, stop. That’s true even if you abandon the Church – the number of gay men who live promiscuous lives surrounded by pornography is massive. Leaving the Church will not help you stop using porn; nor will getting into a relationship with another guy.

Please! You say that there’s no community for you, but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve suggested communities for you in the past, and you didn’t respond. I can tell you of churches where you’ll be cared for and nourished – not perfectly, but with love. Are you willing to do what it takes to be part of these communities? Are you willing to be the change you wish to see in the world?

Let me challenge you: come to the Courage conference this summer. I will be there, and I’d love to introduce myself. You don’t have to know anyone – though you will know me. It doesn’t matter if there’s no Courage chapter near you; you’ll be more than welcome at the conference.

Don’t stop hoping for the redemption of your body!

I’ve got a song for you, too, that expresses my feelings. You can listen to it at andiandi.com/songfiles/hold_on.m3u. Here are the lyrics:

I’ve looked at gay porn a lot, simpleas, and I’ll tell you that when I look at gay porn I am most certainly living the gay lifestyle. That fact is FREEING. It helps me see that I am not “better” than people who live the gay lifestyle. No, but I am given the opportunity to break free. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.

The OP needs that hope!

You’re absolutely right…

There’s good news. I didn’t really feel like mentioning it last night. My local priest is willing to meet with me once a week in order to help me tackle porn. I have 2 friends who want to help me in accountability. AND, to top that off… there’s going to be a Courage meeting in my Diocese, for the first time soon. The guy leading it said it should be by the end of February [THIS MONTH].

Anyways, I should be excited. But, I’m scared. I’m scared ok?

What if it doesn’t work? I really want it to work. I need it to work.

Will my life be better without porn? Yes. But… I mean… it really is all I know. I’ve been looking at porn for 8 or 9 years, maybe longer… What if I don’t have what it takes to do celibacy? What if celibacy doesn’t work for me?

… When and where is the Courage conference?

 

[simpleas]

Looking at porn, though? Isn’t that similar? Or should gay people who look at porn get a pass, simply because they’re gay? Now THAT would be dehumanizing.

You are talking about viewing porn as a habit, which I’d agree, it can be a habit for people and it’s not good for us, any of us…

I’m talking about comparing habits to human relationship, the need to be loved, held etc it’s not habit , its a natural human need…

 

[ssa_fellow]

When you said :

You say “I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life.” That’s not true at all.

I thought that was alittle judgemental, we go to church and try our best to follow the “rules” of what the church teaches us. We all fall short, that’s why we go to church!
What works for you in your experience of life will not always work for another.

Good I’m glad you see that your no better than anyone else, I agree to that way of thinking.

What I meant was… that watching porn does not count as me being “active in the gay lifestyle”. My priest says as much… that, this sin is basically the same as all the heterosexual ppl struggling with porn. Its only slightly different.

I mean… it would basically be the end of the world if I had sex with another man… That’s one of the 4 sins that cries out to Heaven for vengeance… So, watching gay porn doesn’t count as that.

Anyways… I’d appreciate if y’all 2 would stop bickering on here. I’m really in no mood. I’m in quite a bad way of it.

 

[Mark86]

Anyways, I should be excited. But, I’m scared. I’m scared ok?

What if it doesn’t work? I really want it to work. I need it to work.

Will my life be better without porn? Yes. But… I mean… it really is all I know. I’ve been looking at porn for 8 or 9 years, maybe longer… What if I don’t have what it takes to do celibacy? What if celibacy doesn’t work for me?

As someone who does a lot of this, I know it when I see it. These thoughts are not your thoughts. These are the devil trying to dissuade you from the good things that God has in store for you by introducing all manner of doubt. Remember, the devil wants you fall down and keep treading the mud. Then devil is the one who wants you lonely and without love in your life. The devil is the one who wants you sad and angry at God. The devil wants you to stay within the comfort zone of sin and regret. On the other hand, God wants you to be loving toward others and to be loved in return in fruitful and fulfilling ways you maybe never thought possible. God wants you to feel fulfilled and to have rich experiences.

I give an awful lot of ear to the devil myself. Why? Because I haven’t learned to love what is good for me. Often what is good is that which makes us afraid. It’s yet another paradox. Christianity is full of them. I think you’re on the crux of something very life changing and for the better… and God is just going to see what you do with it.

 

[808Catholic]

Yeah, I’m sick of crying myself to sleep at night. I’m lonely all the time, and I cry all the time bc of it. And, the Church doesn’t really have a community for me to go to…

Why should I be posting here? Why shouldn’t I be posting on a gay forum, and ask them for advice on how to find someone to date?

Its 4:20 a.m. So, I’m going to bed soon. But, I just wanted it so badly tonight. I wanted someone to hold me and acknowledge my existence.

I’m sick of being a martyr. I’m almost 23 years old, I’m still a virgin. And, in fact, I have never even held someone’s hand who I liked. I’ve never done anything. I have a porn addiction… but that’\ doesn’t really count as “homosexual behavior”

I’ve followed the Church’s teaching for my whole life. And, I’m still miserable. Porn is stupid, I grant you, but its also the only way I even get to express myself sexually ever.

I read all these articles about the “chaste friendships”, which entail “male affection” which will be SOOO much deeper than other people’s friendships… Well, I don’t know about any of that. Where is that? What kind of “male affection” can I enjoy, since I’m clearly marred and am in need of it… in order to right the wrongs of my father for raising me poorly (or so I read)…

I don’t want to abandon my faith, or the Church. But, I am miserable. And, I won’t be miserable for my whole life. Just seeing other Catholics who are happy feels like a physical assault to my person, because I am so unhappy. And, any degree of their happiness which they get from the assurance of their future marriages, spouses, children, family, houses, careers… I get none of.

Does the Church have a community, to fix me?

I will not be miserable my whole life. Tell me why I should keep doing this [chastity].

Can I hold hands with my friends? Bc, they don’t want to.

Can I hold hands with another man who I like? Is it a mortal sin to hold another man’s hand? Is that sodomy?

I think its ridiculous. I’m 23, and I know as much about relationships as a 14 year old… maybe less… I can’t have romantic feelings ever. Well, I’m not a-sexual. I’m homosexual. I have sexual feelings, I have sexuality. And I can’t express those needs ever, in any way. Ever. Well, I guess I’ll just keep bottling it inside, and see how long that works…

What would you say to get me to stay in the Church?

I need a resolution to these problems. And, I know how to resolve it sinfully…
I don’t know how to resolve it how the Church wants me to resolve it…?

Praying for you, my brother. Trust in God. With Him, all things are possible. You will need Him to bring you to peace and salvation. God Bless you.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

You’re absolutely right…

There’s good news. I didn’t really feel like mentioning it last night. My local priest is willing to meet with me once a week in order to help me tackle porn. I have 2 friends who want to help me in accountability. AND, to top that off… there’s going to be a Courage meeting in my Diocese, for the first time soon. The guy leading it said it should be by the end of February [THIS MONTH].

Anyways, I should be excited. But, I’m scared. I’m scared ok?

Yes, I can totally understand. You’re afraid to put hope in these new developments, because they could fall through – and if they do fall through, you don’t know what to do. I’ve been there, brother.

God is giving opportunities for other people to be Christ to you. That’s a great thing. But it’s up to them whether they really embrace the opportunities, and it’s up to you whether you cooperate with them. It’s delicate. And yet, it’s very good. The Lord is going to help you grow through this whole process – and in ways you have a hard time imagining, not just in terms of getting free of porn. And if something falls through here, there are other steps to take – but what you’ve done so far to set these things up is good, and courageous, and important.

Will my life be better without porn? Yes. But… I mean… it really is all I know. I’ve been looking at porn for 8 or 9 years, maybe longer…

You’ll have to grieve it, silly as that sounds. It is a comfort for you (and for me), a consolation. It’s hard to trust God to give us consolations instead of manufacturing our own.

What if I don’t have what it takes to do celibacy? What if celibacy doesn’t work for me?

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Chastity isn’t the same as celibacy; all you know right now is that God is calling you to chastity. The rest of the discernment needs to come when you have more freedom from this porn addiction.

… When and where is the Courage conference?

July 30th-Aug 2, just outside Chicago. couragerc.org/courage/conference/

If you’re coming, let me know, and we’ll figure out a way to bump into each other!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Just listened to this homily on the spirituality of pain by the excellent Fr. Barron, and thought of you (I read your post last night and prayed for you).

wordonfire.org/resources/homily/the-spirituality-of-pain/828/

I hope you find this helpful and am glad you received support and helpful advice here. God bless.

 

[ssa_fellow]

As someone who does a lot of this, I know it when I see it. These thoughts are not your thoughts. These are the devil trying to dissuade you from the good things that God has in store for you by introducing all manner of doubt. Remember, the devil wants you fall down and keep treading the mud. Then devil is the one who wants you lonely and without love in your life. The devil is the one who wants you sad and angry at God. The devil wants you to stay within the comfort zone of sin and regret. On the other hand, God wants you to be loving toward others and to be loved in return in fruitful and fulfilling ways you maybe never thought possible. God wants you to feel fulfilled and to have rich experiences.

I give an awful lot of ear to the devil myself. Why? Because I haven’t learned to love what is good for me. Often what is good is that which makes us afraid. It’s yet another paradox. Christianity is full of them. I think you’re on the crux of something very life changing and for the better… and God is just going to see what you do with it.

Look, I want to believe you. My priest said much the same thing to me today. That God has amazing plans for me, if I just follow His Will. And… that God wants me to be happy and fulfilled, etc.

But, I can’t help but doubt. Can anyone give me one example of a person with same-sex attraction who is doing inspiring things in serving the Church?

Obviously no one can name me a saint who had same-sex attraction. I think there are around 10,000 canonized saints…

“God has amazing plans for my life”. Yes, that’s probably true.

But, what could those plans possibly entail for me?

I mean, that question can be answered for any Catholic in my shoes who is straight. “Marriage”, possibly a vocation to priesthood or religious life. What about me?

Those are my questions today, ok? Name me an amazing thing I can do.

I’ll tell you one thing… I will do no amazing things, if I have to live by myself.