Standing for your marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter micatholic
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

micatholic

Guest
My wife is in the process of divorcing me. We have one 2 year old. We were not married in the church. My priest has said we qualify for a declaration of nullity. I reject the idea of divorce and want to stand for my marriage. It has been 11 months since she left the marriage. Any thoughts?
 
Unfortunately, in today’s legal climate, you can “stand for your marriage” all you want, and the judge will still dissolve it if your wife wants it to happen. And as the Catholic Church does not recognize the civil marriage of baptized Catholics, you cannot fight for your marriage in the Church either, because to the Church, it doesn’t even exist.

Sorry, but I think you need to accept what IS, instead of what you want to happen, and make the best of it. Be there for your child.
 
I’ll have to agree with Basilisk. This is very sad for your two year old.

But from the perspective of the Church you were never validly married in the first place from God’s perspective. You merely contracted the equivalent of a civil union like a same sex couple might do. A ruling of nullity by the Church is a formality declaration that there was never a marriage in the first place. It’s not some sort of divorce or dissolution. You have no divorce to be against or marriage to stand for.

Now I have no idea why your civil wife is legally divorcing you or why you still want to be in a married relationship with her. Is it because you want to be married to her? Is it because of your child? Is it because it hurts to be rejected? Those are all understandable reasons as are many others.

But please understand that you are looking at a break-up such as a dating couple or engaged couple might have. It is not going to be the break-up of a sacramental union. It may be an expensive, complex break-up but it is a break-up.

If you foresee some kind of reconciliation (and I have no idea if that is likely or reasonable) then you need to view this as pursuing a *FIRST *marriage with this woman.

My prayers for you.
 
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m just goig to give you the same advice as SMHW and basilisk.

I’ve been divorced with young kids. They were very small, not even school age, when it happened. I really do know how you feel.

I am also here to tell you that there is life after divorce. You might not see it now, but there will come a time when you do.

In the interim, the best I can do is pray for you and hope if you were an innocent party that you got yourself a really good attorney. Being represented is crucial…
 
I have an attorney who is great. The sad part is the child and his future since she is not the best mother. I am fighting for custody. Courts are so terrible and the standards are so low. I believe in my heart that a child should be raised in a home by his mother and father. It is the mother and father’s duty to try everything possible to bring that about for the child. Divorce is pure selfishness when children are involved.
 
SMHW said:
I’ll have to agree with Basilisk. This is very sad for your two year old.

But from the perspective of the Church you were never validly married in the first place from God’s perspective. You merely contracted the equivalent of a civil union like a same sex couple might do. A ruling of nullity by the Church is a formality declaration that there was never a marriage in the first place. It’s not some sort of divorce or dissolution. You have no divorce to be against or marriage to stand for.

Now I have no idea why your civil wife is legally divorcing you or why you still want to be in a married relationship with her. Is it because you want to be married to her? Is it because of your child? Is it because it hurts to be rejected? Those are all understandable reasons as are many others.

But please understand that you are looking at a break-up such as a dating couple or engaged couple might have. It is not going to be the break-up of a sacramental union. It may be an expensive, complex break-up but it is a break-up.
If you foresee some kind of reconciliation (and I have no idea if that is likely or reasonable) then you need to view this as pursuing a *FIRST *marriage with this woman.

My prayers for you.
Click to expand...
In the statement I have bolded at top…are you saying that this “break-up” or marriage “break-up” should not bother him because supposedly he was never “married” in the churches eyes to begin with?? Because it is just has a boyfriend/girlfriend breakup?? I am asking because I just want to make sure that I have understood this correctly.
 
rolltidefan said:
In the statement I have bolded at top…are you saying that this “break-up” or marriage “break-up” should not bother him because supposedly he was never “married” in the churches eyes to begin with?? Because it is just has a boyfriend/girlfriend breakup?? I am asking because I just want to make sure that I have understood this correctly.
Click to expand...
I’m sure emotionally the OP is extremely bothered by the breakup. No one is saying that he should not be upset. But as Catholics, because the vows were not taken in the Catholic Church, this marriage may not be valid. The process for nullity of marriage will conduct an investigation to see if there was a valid marriage or not, no matter if the marriage took place in- or outside of the Church.
 
Tonks40 said:
I’m sure emotionally the OP is extremely bothered by the breakup. No one is saying that he should not be upset. But as Catholics, because the vows were not taken in the Catholic Church, this marriage may not be valid. The process for nullity of marriage will conduct an investigation to see if there was a valid marriage or not, no matter if the marriage took place in- or outside of the Church.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I understand what the Catholic church think are marriages and are not marriages. I just wanted to see if I understood correctly whether the above poster was saying that the OP should not be “really disturbed” over this “breakup” because his marriage was or was not precieved to be valid by the Catholic church.
 
micatholic said:
My wife is in the process of divorcing me. We have one 2 year old. We were not married in the church. My priest has said we qualify for a declaration of nullity. I reject the idea of divorce and want to stand for my marriage. It has been 11 months since she left the marriage. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
One doesn’t “qualify” for a decree of nullity the way one “qualifies” for a loan.

It is a *fact *that your marriage is invalid because you married outside the Church. Of course your marriage can be convalidated if your wife will reconcile. Is there a reason you married outside the Church?

I hope you are able to heal your relationship, and then validate your marriage. However, right now the validity of your marriage is not the central issue. Why is she leaving? Has she indicated what the problem is? Is she willing to work on the marriage? Would she consider going to Retrouvaille? Eleven months seems to say “I’m done” but maybe you can convince her to work it out for the sake of your child.

Your priest is correct, however, that if she proceeds with divorce that you can present your case regarding nullity due to lack of form.
 
The divorce process regardless of religion is really not designed to repair marriages. Wife lost a high profile job, big salary, and fell into a depression. Will not go to more counseling. Counselor says she has anger issues. She claims she is a strong Christian.
 
micatholic…I understand that. The courts could careless about why you stay together or if you want to or etc. It is just another number on a file, run it through and get it over with. I am very sorry for your pain from all of this. I understand what you are going through though. I am also divorced. I am remarried however. I completely agree with you, divorce is so selfish!!! I completely understand why God says he hates divorce. It is wrong. However, there are times and situations that people cannot help what another person of free will does. The ones of us on the other end are the ones though that are left holding the bad end of the deal. That is one reason (of course I am protestant) but I completely disagree with the annulement process. It almost seems as another terrible process to put someone through that is completely innocent. I have read into it quite a bit and I personally see no healing in it. But that is a whole other issues that I would rather not get into at this time. Also something that will start a whole other feud on this board. That is just my thoughts on it. And yes people, I have read about it quite a bit, not going to do it, so you don’t have to waste your time trying to tell me about it. Anyway, I understand your hurt. I just pray that maybe your wife will see that this is not good for either of you and also your child that is involved. I noticed that you said you were fighting for custody. I am telling you now, make it as easy as you can on your child. You need to understand that this child needs a mother and a father and coparenting is the best. Of course as long as there is no physical, emotional or sexual abuse. While going through a divorce, you can find yourself wanting to lash out at the other by using the kids…by doing this the kids are the only ones that suffer and that is selfish. Even if you are the parent that was not wanting this divorce, you still cannot do that. Even if she is the one that is wanting the divorce, the child still needs her mother. Believe me, it would have been alot easier for me to have told my kids everything their father done. Which is exactly what my father done to my brother and I when my parents were going through their divorce. In the end, I have no respect for what he did he did to us and I was an adult child. Anyway, to sum it up, I have no respect for parents that put their children in the middle. I would also caution you about letting the courts decide what is best for your child on visitation. They could careless about your child. It is best if you and your wife can work that out. However, I pray that your marriage stays intact. God Bless you and I will be praying for you.
 
I have been reading this site charlyne dot org. It is a Christian not Catholic site about marriage restoration. The biggest problem is the courts and the lawyers make money from the divorce business. No one really cares about what happens to the children. Free will is tough. The standards for good parenting are so low and anyone who tries to put their kids first are actually looked strangely. Suggest that the child go to Church? Not a priority in court. Mention God or prayer to anyone in the process including your own lawyer and you are branded as a lunatic.
 
if there is any chance she might explore reconiliation with you, GO here:

http://www.retrovaille.org/

no matter what, stay close enough to her that you have plenty of time with your kid. insist you get more than weekend visitations. and then never miss any of them.

even if your ex is using visitations as her dating time. just suck it up and see your boy. take him to church. do every day stuff with him. don’t become the SantaDaddy guy. pray simple prayers with your kid evey time you are together.

always use a car seat and other safety items. be above reproach.

pray for a miracle. go to confession. return to Communion, if you haven’t already.
then pray again.
pray novenas.
pray some more.
do penance.
fast.
offer up small mortifications for the relationship to be healed and blessed by the Church.
pray some more.
pray some more.
repeat.
 
I am not saying how micatholic should or should not *feel *about this impending divorce. I am stating what the spiritual reality apparently is. (As Tonks has stated the Church would need to *formally *declare the marriage null due to lack of form.) But in cases of lack of form this is fairly straight forward matter.

Micatholic has been living as if married and has child as if married. But since the Church has the authority regulate what Catholics need to do to contract a valid marriage, if those rules are violated then there is no marriage. That certainly does not mean that the breakup will be any less devastating.

I don’t know all the ends and outs of this particular case but on the surface it would seem the ideal would be for this couple to reconcile and marry.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top