Staring all over at 35?

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mary30

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I married 4 years ago only to find myself in an abusive marriage. I was treated as a household help and not as a wife. I was called names such as stupid, fat, pig, idiot and all other stuff you can’t imagine. The verbal abuse escalated over the years and then finally it became physical with him hitting me, kicking me and me choking me. Another thing is that he does not want to have kids. He finally threw me out of the house and he filed for divorce. Since I am Catholic and I believe that marriage is sacred, I asked the help of my confessor and he told me to start the annulment so I have a pretty good case and it is sure that my marriage in not valid. Despite all of this, I feel horrible. I feel hurt and feel that my life has ended. As a woman. all I have wanted is to have a family and to have a husband to love and care for but that didn’t happen in my marriage because I was treated like an animal…

I try not to let the negative feelings down but I do wonder sometimes, when my annulment is granted, will there be a good Catholic man who will want me despite my history…

My mom told me to stop asking God but to just thank God for all the blessings I have in my life like my job, a roof over my head, food, my family who loves me very much…

I don’t know why I am posting here…maybe I just want people to share their experiences or any (name removed by moderator)ut…

Merry Christmas!!
 
Your alternative was to start over at 40 or 45 or later, or maybe even to not start over at all because he finally did mortal harm to you. You are doing the right thing.

You are undoubtedly still suffering from all the abuse he laid on you, which will make you feel less worthy than you are. I think if you met yourself at church and asked yourself the questions you are asking us, you would not be so pessimistic. If you saw yourself as your mother can see you, you would know you are very much worthy of a good husband. Part of your work in the future is going to be adjusting your view of yourself over to the truth, so when you meet a man who sees the truth about you, you will believe him. More to the point, if you meet another man who lies to you about what you are, who either flatters you or puts you down, you won’t accept having to listen to those lies ever again. You will never again accept the company of someone who talks about anyone like that–I mean someone who puts other people down–including you.

No one can promise you what the future might bring, except that God will be with you. Christ himself uttered that same cry*–my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?–*so there is no sin in feeling as you do. Know, though, that there is hope. Know that you are very much worth loving, that you and many others like you are given abuse that you could not possibly deserve. Know that you can trust those who know you and love you on that count. Hang in there! 👍
 
Read JudyNurse 's posts on today’s CAF threads. It’s inspiring. On one post she explains her past abusive marriage, then in “What is married life like?” she describes an incredible man whom she married in her 50’s and he converted, and now I have no reason to lack hope and neither will you.
 
Mary: Please read what I wrote in answer to the thread “what is married life like”. I answered a lot of it, but you’ll note that I started over at 53. And I was in such an abusive marriage for 24 years, because I didn’t even know about annulments! I lost 5 children to beatings (born prematurely). You are blessed to get out of this situation at only 35 and after 4 years of such treatment. What if you’d been as dumb as myself and stayed for 24 years, and watched 5 children die because of the beatings? I found a good husband when I was 53, about 4 years after my annulment was complete. Look what a beautiful marriage I had for the 15 1/2 years until my beloved died as a loving, devout Catholic husband. Look again at your situation – you are young enough to start your life over. Be glad you didn’t stick around another 20 years!
 
I will pray for you throughout the New Year.
I wish I had had the courage you have when I was 35. I didn’t leave until much later in my marriage and it was tragic. My children suffered. I was a coward. I was scared to death of him. He’s gone now, and I married a man that is so good to me.
I wish you much peace, and know that God is with you tonight and always. Rely on friends, your parish, speak with your priest when down, don’t be shy about asking for prayers. You are brave and worthy of respect.
God bless you abundantly.
:gopray2:
 
You deserve better than a miserable life in an abusive relationship. Joy is right, the alternative is to get out in 10 years, or 15, or maybe never. Women die at the hands of their abusive husbands and boyfriends every day. Having been in a bad relationship and having an annulment is not something that would make a good Catholic man reject you. I know it is hard to be thankful when your heart is hurting so badly, but you know what? You’re only 35, you have way too much life ahead of you yet to give up on your hopes and dreams! Prayers for you, a blessed Christmas, and all the best for the new year. :hug1:
 
Here’s my advice:

—take each day as it comes, day then day then day. Don’t look beyond today or perhaps tomorrow.

—start the morning by noticing and counting one of your blessings or gifts from God.
 
mary30 said:
I married 4 years ago only to find myself in an abusive marriage. I was treated as a household help and not as a wife. I was called names such as stupid, fat, pig, idiot and all other stuff you can’t imagine. The verbal abuse escalated over the years and then finally it became physical with him hitting me, kicking me and me choking me. Another thing is that he does not want to have kids. He finally threw me out of the house and he filed for divorce. Since I am Catholic and I believe that marriage is sacred, I asked the help of my confessor and he told me to start the annulment so I have a pretty good case and it is sure that my marriage in not valid. Despite all of this, I feel horrible. I feel hurt and feel that my life has ended. As a woman. all I have wanted is to have a family and to have a husband to love and care for but that didn’t happen in my marriage because I was treated like an animal…

I try not to let the negative feelings down but I do wonder sometimes, when my annulment is granted, will there be a good Catholic man who will want me despite my history…

My mom told me to stop asking God but to just thank God for all the blessings I have in my life like my job, a roof over my head, food, my family who loves me very much…

I don’t know why I am posting here…maybe I just want people to share their experiences or any (name removed by moderator)ut…

Merry Christmas!!
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You should also thank God for such a wise mother! You just picked the wrong man to marry; that does not mean you will not find the right man sometime in the future. Things are tough right now, but they will get better with time. Just take one day at time and keep God as your #1 Guy in your life and everything will work out.
 
mary30 said:
I married 4 years ago only to find myself in an abusive marriage. I was treated as a household help and not as a wife. I was called names such as stupid, fat, pig, idiot and all other stuff you can’t imagine. The verbal abuse escalated over the years and then finally it became physical with him hitting me, kicking me and me choking me. Another thing is that he does not want to have kids. He finally threw me out of the house and he filed for divorce. Since I am Catholic and I believe that marriage is sacred, I asked the help of my confessor and he told me to start the annulment so I have a pretty good case and it is sure that my marriage in not valid. Despite all of this, I feel horrible. I feel hurt and feel that my life has ended. As a woman. all I have wanted is to have a family and to have a husband to love and care for but that didn’t happen in my marriage because I was treated like an animal…

I try not to let the negative feelings down but I do wonder sometimes, when my annulment is granted, will there be a good Catholic man who will want me despite my history…

My mom told me to stop asking God but to just thank God for all the blessings I have in my life like my job, a roof over my head, food, my family who loves me very much…

I don’t know why I am posting here…maybe I just want people to share their experiences or any (name removed by moderator)ut…

Merry Christmas!!
Click to expand...
:hug1:

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough 4 years and have to go through all this now, too! It’s worse around Christmas! I am glad that the abuse has stopped, though.

Well yeah, it is possible to start over at 35. People have done it.

I just wanted to say a prayer for you.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.:angel1:
 
mary30 said:
I try not to let the negative feelings down but I do wonder sometimes, when my annulment is granted, will there be a good Catholic man who will want me despite my history.
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The answer is an absolute “Yes.” The only history you have is that you were in an abusive relationship and you were dumped. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

In my own situation, I married, paid for my wife’s college education. She utterly refused to have children, started cheating on me, then dumped me. I am now happily married to a previously married Catholic wife (we both have annulments, FWIW) and have two wonderful adopted children.

I wouldn’t think twice about dating someone like yourself (if I were single, of course:) ). Best of luck on your annulment, and may you be blessed with finding a husband that treats you with respect.
 
mary30 said:
I try not to let the negative feelings down but I do wonder sometimes, when my annulment is granted, will there be a good Catholic man who will want me despite my history…
Click to expand...
Absolutely a good Catholic man will want to be with you. You are doing the right thing by leaving an abusive relationship.
 
Mary. I did start over at 35! If you ask me, life starts at 35!!! When I was in my twenties I married a man who had a mental illness. My life was a living hell. He became abusive physically and emotionally and we were living with a small child in awful conditions. When my daughter was three I realized that I had to leave him otherwise I was going to end in the graveyard. We separated and I had no job, no money and had to go to live at a friend’s basement. My priest suggested me to seek divorced and annulment (ours had lack of form which was super easy). Not too long after we got divorce he died out of an overdose (he also had a severe addiction to prescribed medication). When I left him I was terrified, I had nothing, was in a foreign country, no family. But I had a daughter and I was determined to make things better for my daughter and that was more powerful than all the depression feeling I was having.

I knew that given the abuse I suffered the first step was to heal myself from the inside. I went to a wonderful therapist who was specialized in victims of domestic violence who helped me regain my self esteem, have confidence on me and made me realize that I was a valuable human being who deserved much better. At the time I thought I would never remarry or find a suitable man for my life… I was 35 with a child, baggage who in the world would get in all that trouble? Well fast forward many years later not only I went from having no job and living poorly in a basement to become a professional, finding a very well paid job, having my own place and be able to put my daughter in a private school but found an amazing faithful catholic man… Never married no children of his own… With a very faithful family that welcomed both my daughter and me with open arms, and he has bonded amazingly with my daughter. If at 34 someone had told me that all these great things were going to happen after 35 I would have not believe it.

Don’t lose faith. You are very young and you can do it. All you need is put your faith in God and believe that with his help you can do it. One thing I would urge you though is look for professional help. Women who have been victims of domestic violence due to having the abuser constantly putting them down, end up believing their abuser and subconsciouslybelieving tthat they deserve the abuse and they deserve to be treated like that. Before attempting getting into any relationship you need to free yourself from the damaged caused by your abuser and rebuilt your self esteem and the only way to do that is with professional help. It is doable. I did it and many other women have done it so you can do it. You can win over the negative feelings and don’t forget: life starts at 35!!!
 
Now that I’m in the second half of my third year alone, I have made another change in my life. I have NO family left – all are deceased, including aunts and uncles, parents, etc… so it’s just me and a couple of friends from my Parish (also alone & female).

On January 1st, 2014, I completed the 33 day preparation for the Consecration to Jesus through Mary. I feel almost as though I took a Vow, similar to a Nun’s lifetime Vows. The trip through the 33 days (which completed on Dec. 31st) opened up a lot of new things in my spiritual life, and I have a looong way to go yet. I made my Consecration on January 1st, the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God.

I feel I am starting a whole new spiritual life, and beginning to enter into a deeper relationship with Our Lord in my old age.

Please rejoice with me as I begin a “new life”, even at age 72! Whether a new marriage will be in the future remains to be seen. I also have made a new, devout & good friend whose marriage ended about 10 years ago, and her daughter died at age 16, two and a half years ago. Together we are both learning to “start over” and trust the Lord more.

My Grandma lived to 104, outlived 3 husbands, gave birth at home to 4 children (smallest was 12 lbs.!!).Three of her children were from the second marriage, and she was over 30. Her last marriage was in her late 80’s, when she was past 85! Her mother also outlived 3 husbands, (was originally married to an M.D.), left to raise 4 children, then married a widower who had lost 3 wives & had 11 children by all 3 (1 - 4 from each, a couple of them below age 8 & 1 infant.) and she was 30+ when she married him and she had her 4young children & raised his as well! ( 15 kids in one house!) She outlived him too, remarried (third time) in her 70’s, lost him as well and died finally in her late 90’s. My Grandma’s grandmother raised 17 children, about half of them taken in when the Mother died and the Father was killed in the Civil War. She lost her husband when she was in her 60’s (he lost a leg in the Civil War), and had a large farm, and did remarry in her 70’s, lived well past 90 and outlived that husband too. Died at about 98. (She was also a midwife, so was present at the births.) Her kids never knew when they’d come to breakfast to find a new baby and maybe a toddler or two as new brothers and sisters!)

It’s never too late to find love again and companionship. All of these ancestresses of mine were either midwives or nurses. I was also a nurse. Seems strange, as I had 5 children, but lost all in the abusive marriage. Doesn’t mean I don’t “mother” young men and women in their 30’s and 40’s, and their kids are like grandkids to me. Wish I’d been able to start over at 35, rather than at 49! But I’ve made a good life, and had a late life marriage that was pure joy and love!
 
hello everybody 🙂 thank you very much for responding. I wrote this post when I was very down and distraught. I have started the new year consecrating my life to Mother Mary and Jesus. I have decided to pursue a masters and continue working while I wait it out for my annulment. I am going to put my life in God’s hands now and I will try not to worry about the future.
 
marymary1975 said:
Mary. I did start over at 35! If you ask me, life starts at 35!!! When I was in my twenties I married a man who had a mental illness. My life was a living hell. He became abusive physically and emotionally and we were living with a small child in awful conditions. When my daughter was three I realized that I had to leave him otherwise I was going to end in the graveyard. We separated and I had no job, no money and had to go to live at a friend’s basement. My priest suggested me to seek divorced and annulment (ours had lack of form which was super easy). Not too long after we got divorce he died out of an overdose (he also had a severe addiction to prescribed medication). When I left him I was terrified, I had nothing, was in a foreign country, no family. But I had a daughter and I was determined to make things better for my daughter and that was more powerful than all the depression feeling I was having.

I knew that given the abuse I suffered the first step was to heal myself from the inside. I went to a wonderful therapist who was specialized in victims of domestic violence who helped me regain my self esteem, have confidence on me and made me realize that I was a valuable human being who deserved much better. At the time I thought I would never remarry or find a suitable man for my life… I was 35 with a child, baggage who in the world would get in all that trouble? Well fast forward many years later not only I went from having no job and living poorly in a basement to become a professional, finding a very well paid job, having my own place and be able to put my daughter in a private school but found an amazing faithful catholic man… Never married no children of his own… With a very faithful family that welcomed both my daughter and me with open arms, and he has bonded amazingly with my daughter. If at 34 someone had told me that all these great things were going to happen after 35 I would have not believe it.

Don’t lose faith. You are very young and you can do it. All you need is put your faith in God and believe that with his help you can do it. One thing I would urge you though is look for professional help. Women who have been victims of domestic violence due to having the abuser constantly putting them down, end up believing their abuser and subconsciouslybelieving tthat they deserve the abuse and they deserve to be treated like that. Before attempting getting into any relationship you need to free yourself from the damaged caused by your abuser and rebuilt your self esteem and the only way to do that is with professional help. It is doable. I did it and many other women have done it so you can do it. You can win over the negative feelings and don’t forget: life starts at 35!!!
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Thank you for your story. It inspires me a lot. I was in an abusive marriage but the thing that still hurts me is the fact that I still love him despite what he did to me. I ask God for healing and I just put my future in his hands. I know I will never have kids with him and I just hope one day God will bless me children with someone who is a good Catholic man.
 
judynurse you have been through a lot of trials !!! OUr lives here on Earth certainly is not a fairy tale. God is the one who is working in our lives.
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
The answer is an absolute “Yes.” The only history you have is that you were in an abusive relationship and you were dumped. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

In my own situation, I married, paid for my wife’s college education. She utterly refused to have children, started cheating on me, then dumped me. I am now happily married to a previously married Catholic wife (we both have annulments, FWIW) and have two wonderful adopted children.

I wouldn’t think twice about dating someone like yourself (if I were single, of course:) ). Best of luck on your annulment, and may you be blessed with finding a husband that treats you with respect.
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why do people act one way during courtship and turn out to be totally different during marriage? Did you have a long courtship with your former wife?
 
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