Starting counseling

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JLCecilia

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I went to see a counselor yesterday for the first time in over 10 years. I was reluctant to go to her b/c my memory of our previous sessions were that I was sent there under durress by my parents who I felt were abdicating their relationship with and responsibility for me.

Anyway, I’m really going for one-sided marriage counseling (as recommended by Dr. Guarendi when one party is unwilling). I really didn’t even ask DH b/c with all of my ill feelings about him I just couldn’t take one more rejection from him. I told him after my session where I’d been and told him I’d like him to come with me just so I could listen to his dialogue w/ the counselor and I really believe that he needs to go one-on-one with her.

He sort-of conceded so long as - and I agree w/ him here - it doesn’t turn into a man-bashing session. I wasn’t crazy about some of the things the counselor said b/c I thought they were a little silly and feminist - sort-of a stiff upper lip approach to coping, so I’m hoping this doesn’t cross over if/when DH and I are able to go together. I know he needs a kick in the pants, but I also know he isn’t going to take criticism well from another woman after all he’s had to take from me.

I found a Retrovaille weekend coming up in about a month and praying I can get everything together for us to go not just to the weekend, but really commit to all of the follow-up sessions. I know I have just as much work to do as DH.

God, bless us in your mercy.
 
My husband and I started counseling last month. In my search for a counselor,I went to the Catholic Therapists website. You might consider this option.I have never had marital counseling before now.I wanted to be sure that whoever we chose,would have the wellbeing of our marriage as their focus.I am pleased to say,that the counselor we are seeing(a male) is doing just that.He is a very spiritual man,applying the tenents of our faith to his counseling.God Bless ,Jeanne
 
If your hubby sees a need for counseling he should pick his own person and arrange that himself. He may want to see a male counselor, someone who is religious or someone who is secular. It’s an individual thing. I would be very leery of a counselor who is giving any sort of ideology in the opening session. She should be there to help you and not promote a feminist agenda. You should be able to see this quite clearly if your DH does go with you next time.

I hope you get to do Retrouvaille. The follow up sessions are supposed to be essential to the results, which is why we haven’t done it yet. This year, my husband may not be traveling as much and I am still praying that we can do the whole package.

I will pray for you.
 
Yeah, the counselor I’m seeing is actually a long-standing member of my parish. The only other counselor I’m aware of in town is actually male, but I’ve heard from my co-workers that he’s a little shovenist (SP?) Who knows, that’s comeing from a female perspective. My only hesitation there is that I wouldn’t feel like we’re on the same page getting the same feedback.

On the other hand, a kick in the pants might come better from a male counselor, I’d just have to ask if I’d be allowed to sit in and just listen. I don’t think I could participate, not sure if that would lead to a double-billing situation for my ins. w/ me seeing 2 different counselors concurrently.

I’ll have to ask DH if he’d rather see the male counselor. Thank you for the insight and the prayers. Be assured of my prayers in return. This is a good New Year’s resolution folks - let’s do it!
 
If it’s your DH’s session the counselor isn’t going to let you just sit in, and if you are participating, the counselor will charge for both of you. Don’t you trust your DH to be honest with the counselor? You really don’t have to try and be there if and when he talks to a counselor. I wouldn’t want to be with my hubby b/c I might hear stuff I don’t want to hear.

:eek:
 
Thank you for straightening that out - I was really unsure. No, it’s not a trust issue, it’s a ‘I have no clue what he thinks about anything’ issue. I’d love to be a fly on the wall and just hear what his response would be when he can let his guard down and not feel he has to defend himself (as I’m sure he feels with me). Our communication is at a standstill - anything I ask of him is taken as hostile and I get zero response. I take it as his way of saying - why go there, you’re not gonna like my answer. Oh well, that’s why I’m seeking help. One leg up, one leg down, all the way to. . . .
 
JLCecilia said:
Thank you for straightening that out - I was really unsure. No, it’s not a trust issue, it’s a ‘I have no clue what he thinks about anything’ issue. I’d love to be a fly on the wall and just hear what his response would be when he can let his guard down and not feel he has to defend himself (as I’m sure he feels with me). Our communication is at a standstill - anything I ask of him is taken as hostile and I get zero response. I take it as his way of saying - why go there, you’re not gonna like my answer. Oh well, that’s why I’m seeking help. One leg up, one leg down, all the way to. . . .
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He still might not feel he can let his guard down with the counselor. Guys don’t talk their problems out like we do, or they don’t do it naturally. It’s not their first choice of methods of healing or self-improvement. If a counselor would work on a project together, like fixing something, it might help guys open up more easily…Go fishing together, etc. LOL Hey maybe you can try that sometime…I know, you can’t even have a date together right now…😦

I’d recommend that you guys see the counselor together and she can facilitate better communication. You each need to listen to the other one and not close off and not attack. A big task ahead of you, but you can do it! The Retrouvaille retreats are supposed to be really good for this.

I hope your hubby does get along with the counselor and that she is able to help both of you. Hang in there.
 
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