Starting to crack up

[montanaman]

There’s nothing like arduous circumstances to burn away your perceptions of yourself to reveal the hard, blackened reality. I’ve always thought of myself as pretty tough “deep down.” I’m starting to wonder about that.

My wife and I made a conscious decision to try to have a child as soon as possible. She has a medical condition that might later make pregnancy difficult, if not impossible. Besides, I’m 33 and she’s 29. It’s time to MOVE, we thought.

Well, God must have been prompting us toward that decision, because we got pregnant within about a week of actually trying. This is a good thing. However, we thought we had some time to get our life in order. Nope. Baby’s coming, and he don’t care whether we’re living on one salary or two.

I was visiting my folks out west when I got the news–we didn’t have six months of savings after all. It’s more like three. Because we bought at precisely the wrong time, we’re stuck in an interest-only mortgage that devours my entire paycheck every month. And because morning sickness incapacitated her for about three months, she couldn’t work.

In a way, this was also a good thing. I’ve never been more motivated in my life. The pressure caused heat, as pressure is wont to do, and it burned away a lot of b.s. thinking that characterizes my thought. We had some vague plans about real estate investment, “flipping houses,” or whatever, and we’d just read some books and figure it out.

Well, since I got the news that we’re heading for the edge of the financial cliff faster than Sen. Craig to a men’s bathroom stall in Times Square during Fleet Week, (you like that one?), I’ve been working overtime to get the business up and running. For the most part, it’s seemed like God’s hand is on every step we take. Need mentors? Here you go. Need realtors? Here’s five. Need deals? I bet you can’t tackle all of these!

Meanwhile, I write grants all day long for my “real job.” My boss, God love him, tells me what he wants this, I deliver it, and then he tells me he really wanted that. Then he has me rewrite the project one more time, and when I go over deadline, he says he’s “concerned.” Then, after days like this, I go home, sit for an hour, and then dive into the real estate business and work until midnight.

Oh yeah–and I’m also trying to start a small Pakistani import business so as to help a friend suffering persecution at the hands of Muslims in Gujrat.

I have no idea how or why I let it come to this…

So, stress fractures are spiderwebbing across my psyche. Then, just now, my boss’ boss, who’s covering for him while he’s on vacation, delivers a proposal I’d written covered in blue ink. “Did you write this, or did the guys in the other department write it?”

I had to fess up–I did. And I’d thought it was pretty good. Nope. Then, as he’s going over all the reasons why I suck as a writer, it hits me–the last twenty years or so where I’d thought of myself as a writer, I was totally and completley wrong. It is possible to completely miss your professional vocation. I’m eager to find out what I SHOULD have pursued. I imagine it’ll be a little like discovering you have a Japanese sibling your WWII vet dad forgot to mention. Maybe I really have a penchant for driving an ice cream truck.

So, please pray for me. I’m getting close to empty. In fact, I am far beyond the point I’d expect to collapse, implode, fuse, ignite and explode. I see a lot of good in my life, but the stress and pace are having funky effects on me in every way from reading comprehension to verbal control. Seriously. I try to joke around with people and they look at me like something curious they found in a petri dish…

 

[aurora77]

This is going to sound really wierd, but reading your post, I can’t help but be excited and happy for you and your wife! I know that you are going through hard times, but you will get through this.

I know in my life, it took some very rough circumstances and hard times to get me on the path that God wants of me. I’ve had some serious health problems that could have cost me my marriage; instead they brought DH and I closer together than I ever thought possible. But, in the middle of it, I was so down, so depressed.

Sometimes we need that crisis to shake us up; you’re at that point now. Keep praying, and God will show you the way. It sounds trite and cliched, but it’s true. It’s not easy, but hopefully the two of you will look back on this in a few years and see how it was necessary to get you to where you should be.

 

[jmcrae]

Congratulations on your new baby!!

Your life sounds exactly like my entire career - nobody is ever happy, everyone is a perfectionist, and their idea of perfection isn’t even on the same planet as mine, etc.

The only advice I have for you is, to live five minutes at a time. Focus on the task at hand. If you are meant to be sleeping, sleep. If you are supposed to be having a conversation with your wife, focus on that conversation. If you are supposed to be writing out your “to do” list, focus on that.

Then, do each item in order, to the best of your ability, without worrying about how it will be received, etc.

Throw everything you can’t control into Jesus’ capable hands, and just do whatever it is you are supposed to be doing at this particular moment. Don’t even think about anything else. Then, when it’s done, send it to whoever is supposed to receive it, and then forget about it - focus totally on the next task on your list.

This is the only way to stay sane, that I know of.

 

[Della]

Ditto to what aurora77 had to say.

Also, what kind of writing do you do? I try to do creative writing, and I think you have a gift for it just from what I’ve read of your posts. You tell a story well and have “good verbs” in you. It could be you are simply working for the wrong bosses.

In any event, I will remember your need/circumstances in my prayers. God bless you and your dw, and especially the little one on the way!

 

[montanaman]

Ditto to what aurora77 had to say.

Also, what kind of writing do you do? I try to do creative writing, and I think you have a gift for it just from what I’ve read of your posts. You tell a story well and have “good verbs” in you. It could be you are simply working for the wrong bosses.

In any event, I will remember your need/circumstances in my prayers. God bless you and your dw, and especially the little one on the way!

Thanks to you both.

What kind of writing? Proposals. Reports. Grants. I’m one gear in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy machine. I write to wealthy donors and ask them to fund our particular niche of the conspiracy. You could call it “dry,” but that would be an insult to dust.

 

[Della]

Thanks to you both.

What kind of writing? Proposals. Reports. Grants. I’m one gear in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy machine. I write to wealthy donors and ask them to fund our particular niche of the conspiracy. You could call it “dry,” but that would be an insult to dust.

I don’t know your educational training, but could you take a writing course geared towards the kind of writing you need/want to do–an evening class or weekend class? I think you’d enjoy it and get a lot out of it. If you take a business writing course your bosses/company might even foot the bill. After all, writing reports/grants/proposals requires a very different kind of writing from storytelling. Even the punctuation is different from one kind of writing to another. Just a suggestion.

 

[dixieagle]

Thanks to you both.

What kind of writing? Proposals. Reports. Grants. I’m one gear in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy machine. I write to wealthy donors and ask them to fund our particular niche of the conspiracy. You could call it “dry,” but that would be an insult to dust.

I did grant writing for a number of years, along with a little creative writing (arts, travel.) I, too was struck by a certain interesting quirkiness in your writing; offbeat, humorous, just a touch cynical. I well know how incredibly subjective this all is, and also know that the people doing the criticizing often couldn’t write a cogent paragraph themselves if their lives/jobs depended on it!

This might be a real turning point for you. What do you love? If you love writing, then perhaps there’s a different niche for you. If one of your other pursuits has awakened an interest, pursue that (except, possibly for the real estate…not the best time for that.)

Can you possibly refinance to a fixed rate, longer term? Or are you one of those caught up in the “sub-prime” mortgage mess? (Shame on mortgage companies…) Can your wife possibly work from home to take a little pressure off you, financially?

Your faith is admirable and will help you through (along with looking forward to that wonderful baby-to-be!)

I’m currently working up the nerve to do more writing, travel writing, preferably, and I can also empathize completely with the financial concerns, as we were pretty strung out with two college educations, one wedding (sensible, though it was) and another wedding upcoming while trying to sell a beach condo near the Gulf of Mexico at the WORST possible time. But, with God’s grace we will all persevere and come out the other side…I promise!

Peace and blessings.

 

[montanaman]

I don’t know your educational training, but could you take a writing course geared towards the kind of writing you need/want to do–an evening class or weekend class? I think you’d enjoy it and get a lot out of it. If you take a business writing course your bosses/company might even foot the bill. After all, writing reports/grants/proposals requires a very different kind of writing from storytelling. Even the punctuation is different from one kind of writing to another. Just a suggestion.

There was some talk of that earlier on, but I doubt they’re going to foot the bill for me at this point. Besides, I couldn’t in good conscience go on such an adventure. I’m so out of here. If I didn’t absolutely have to have this paycheck, and I didn’t need the insurance (for the pregnancy), I’d quit now and work full-time on the real estate deal.

Basically what this ordeal has taught me, (and this is my second grantwriting job), is that I’m not grantwriting material. I’m simply not. It’s okay–I hardly define myself as a grantwriter. I’ve also learned that writing by committee just doesn’t work. When I have to harmonize the contradictory desires of several people, and the standards change from day to day, forget it. I don’t care if I never work a “meaningful” job ever again in my life. My quiet, uncomplicated father was right all along. When I told him I wanted to go to Franciscan University, he said, “Sure, but how are you going to make any money?”

 

[montanaman]

I did grant writing for a number of years,

You have my deepest sympathies.

along with a little creative writing (arts, travel.)

That would be sweet. I have a friend who regularly flies to France and more sweltering locations on “business.” I think he now works for USA Today.

I well know how incredibly subjective this all is, and also know that the people doing the criticizing often couldn’t write a cogent paragraph themselves if their lives/jobs depended on it!

Oh yes, that’s it exactly. There’s nothing quite as exquisite as being lectured on writing by someone who needs an AP stylebook in order to craft a shopping list.

This might be a real turning point for you. What do you love? If you love writing, then perhaps there’s a different niche for you. If one of your other pursuits has awakened an interest, pursue that (except, possibly for the real estate…not the best time for that.)

Well, I don’t know what I love anymore. I honestly don’t think that way like I used to. If I could go back in a time machine to the self of two decades ago, I would beat myself mercilessly until I gave up on finding a Purpose or Meaning through my job. Perhaps only 2% of people on the planet actually “get” to do what they really want to do, and get paid well for it. I dunno. If there is one thing we’re all called to, it’s holiness. Other than that, all bets are off.

Real estate, (which I beg to differ–now is an excellent time to be getting discount properties and selling them to investors), is hardly a glamorous profession, but several people around me have been making themselves filthy rich over the last few years. Yes, some of them have benefitted from the ridiculous appreciation of the last five years, but a few of them have been through it all–the ups and the downs. My dad’s a good example. I don’t care if it doesn’t help me understand the mysteries of the universe–I’m done with that. I just want to be able to feed my wife and child and NOT live in the back of my truck. If what we have going works out, in a few months I’ll be able to hand my last proposal to my boss. It’ll go something like this:

Me: Boss, here’s the Johnson Foundation proposal.

Boss: Great. What took you so long?

Me: Tetris.

Boss: Say that again?

Me: Tetris. Love that game. I like the original version.

Boss: I’m concerned about your performance lately…

Me: Boss, yesterday I closed on a deal that netted me more than you make all year long. Here’s my resignation letter. Let me know if you want to come work for me.

Boss: Uh, that’s not a resignation letter. It’s your middle finger.

Me: Oh, did I say “resignation letter?” I meant I’m leaving this hellhole and W-2 jobs forever. Good luck!

Can you possibly refinance to a fixed rate, longer term? Or are you one of those caught up in the “sub-prime” mortgage mess? (Shame on mortgage companies…) Can your wife possibly work from home to take a little pressure off you, financially?

Already tried the refi. My credit is “average.” My wife IS working from home, actually. Today she submitted about five offers on several fixer-uppers. Now that she’s starting to feel better, she takes up the slack when I need to cower in the corner with a beer, petting the sofa and murmurring “Nice kittie…that’s a niiiice kittie…”

Your faith is admirable and will help you through (along with looking forward to that wonderful baby-to-be!)

I’m currently working up the nerve to do more writing, travel writing, preferably, and I can also empathize completely with the financial concerns, as we were pretty strung out with two college educations, one wedding (sensible, though it was) and another wedding upcoming while trying to sell a beach condo near the Gulf of Mexico at the WORST possible time. But, with God’s grace we will all persevere and come out the other side…I promise!

Peace and blessings.

It’s hard to kick the habit, so I’ll say “keep up the writing!” It’s a noble pursuit. If you’re convinced down in the deepest part of your soul that YOU ARE A WRITER, DAMMIT! then by all means, don’t give up the dream. However, speaking from experience, don’t navigate your life into an iceburg by holding out for ideals you don’t necessarily believe with all your being you will achieve. On another forum, some folks were talking about how they were planning for the future. One guy planned to retire in 40 years with $100,000. That’s it. He was going to live on his pension after retirement. To supplement his income, he was going to “write a series of fantasy novels.”

This was an adult, mind you. A married adult with a child.

Dreams are great. But now I see that without goals, you’ll never achieve them.

 

[TOP]

I like this one. “Notice?, You’ll notice I won’t be here tomorrow.” Then go live in your hunting cabin in the mountains you set aside.

 

[Della]

Sounds like it’s time you updated your resume and looked for something else, MM.

I once told my dh I didn’t care if he counted beans for a living as long as he was happy, and I’m sure your lovely wife feels the same.

You are stretching yourself too thin with too many projects. If it were me, I’d find someone else to help your friend and move on to another job.

But, whatever you do, you should definitely look into creative writing. You have a gift you shouldn’t let slip away.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

MontanaMan, you do have a gift for clever writing. But I think you have it backward. Because you can write well, you think your job should be about writing. No.

You can write well, and it is a sign of a lively intellect. THAT is your talent. And THAT can qualify you for any number of careers. Especially any that require you to think on your toes around other people.

Which is most jobs.

Which means you can now think outside of the box.

Your brain is your talent, not your pen.

Go for it.

 

[dixieagle]

Well, I don’t know what I love anymore. I honestly don’t think that way like I used to. If I could go back in a time machine to the self of two decades ago, I would beat myself mercilessly until I gave up on finding a Purpose or Meaning through my job. Perhaps only 2% of people on the planet actually “get” to do what they really want to do, and get paid well for it. I dunno. If there is one thing we’re all called to, it’s holiness. Other than that, all bets are off.

Real estate, (which I beg to differ–now is an excellent time to be getting discount properties and selling them to investors), is hardly a glamorous profession, but several people around me have been making themselves filthy rich over the last few years. Yes, some of them have benefitted from the ridiculous appreciation of the last five years, but a few of them have been through it all–the ups and the downs. My dad’s a good example. I don’t care if it doesn’t help me understand the mysteries of the universe–I’m done with that. I just want to be able to feed my wife and child and NOT live in the back of my truck. If what we have going works out, in a few months I’ll be able to hand my last proposal to my boss.

OK…it sounds as if you are actually not doing all that badly with the real estate (very different market here - deep south.) If you’re able to make offers on “5 fixer uppers” I’m not going to lose a whole lot of sleep over your financial situation

I know what you mean by those few people who end up doing what they love - my husband has for decades. He is in TV news - a fine, thoroughly moral, well respected local anchor who loves mentoring younger journalists and who has been quite successful in this medium-sized city. However, the business has changed radically and it is most disheartening; all bottom-line, hardly any political coverage, everything on the cheap, pressure to do stories important to parent company board members, very little respect for employees, constant changing-hands (his station has been sold 7 times since he’s been here and is on the block again.) Excellence, credibility, respect, talent - not nearly as important as the bottom line. Thank God we are nearly at the end of our child-rearing - they are soon to be “off the payroll” totally. As dh will have to be re-signed every year or two for the next 12 to reach retirement, we will just hold our breath and keep plugging away…while praying!

I have encouraged our children (early twenties) to pursue “portable” professions they can work in anywhere, and they are both doing so. Writing, to me, is the perfect profession, and would seem to allow you time to keep up with your real estate ventures, too. (“Flipping” sounds fun, but we are both pitiful DIYers and utterly clueless about house repair, so I think we’d best stay away…)

You are bright, clearly talented and so YOUNG! And you sure have it right about the holiness part. You will be fine.

Blessings!

 

[montanaman]

OK…it sounds as if you are actually not doing all that badly with the real estate (very different market here - deep south.) If you’re able to make offers on “5 fixer uppers” I’m not going to lose a whole lot of sleep over your financial situation

Au contraire, we’re broke.

What we’re doing doesn’t require a whole lot of money–or any money. If you do it right, you basically get a house under contract and then sell that contract to someone in your buyers/investors list. If your numbers are solid, you should get anywhere from $5,000 to $20,000, although much higher amounts aren’t uncommon. I know two guys who do this regularly and live quite well.

So, as long as we can come up with earnest money, that’s all we need. Trust me–I don’t have a couple million laying around. Sure, if I did, I’d still find something to whine about, but it wouldn’t be money!

I know what you mean by those few people who end up doing what they love - my husband has for decades. He is in TV news - a fine, thoroughly moral, well respected local anchor who loves mentoring younger journalists and who has been quite successful in this medium-sized city. However, the business has changed radically and it is most disheartening; all bottom-line, hardly any political coverage, everything on the cheap, pressure to do stories important to parent company board members, very little respect for employees, constant changing-hands (his station has been sold 7 times since he’s been here and is on the block again.) Excellence, credibility, respect, talent - not nearly as important as the bottom line. Thank God we are nearly at the end of our child-rearing - they are soon to be “off the payroll” totally. As dh will have to be re-signed every year or two for the next 12 to reach retirement, we will just hold our breath and keep plugging away…while praying!

Ugh. I’m glad your husband loves it, but I was on the print side. The media can be a killer. He must have a rock solid foundation and support system.

I have encouraged our children (early twenties) to pursue “portable” professions they can work in anywhere, and they are both doing so. Writing, to me, is the perfect profession, and would seem to allow you time to keep up with your real estate ventures, too. (“Flipping” sounds fun, but we are both pitiful DIYers and utterly clueless about house repair, so I think we’d best stay away…)

The “portable profession” is an excellent idea in this era.

You are bright, clearly talented and so YOUNG! And you sure have it right about the holiness part. You will be fine.

Hah! But thanks for the blessings!

 

[dixieagle]

Au contraire, we’re broke.

What we’re doing doesn’t require a whole lot of money–or any money. If you do it right, you basically get a house under contract and then sell that contract to someone in your buyers/investors list. If your numbers are solid, you should get anywhere from $5,000 to $20,000, although much higher amounts aren’t uncommon. I know two guys who do this regularly and live quite well.

So, as long as we can come up with earnest money, that’s all we need. Trust me–I don’t have a couple million laying around. Sure, if I did, I’d still find something to whine about, but it wouldn’t be money!

This would scare the life out of me! I understand that it is fairly easy to get a house under contract, but what if you can’t sell the contract??? I guess you would then lose your earnest money… I think that all it would take would be once to chase me out of the business!

Talk about needing nerves of steel…and a very solid prayer life!

 

[montanaman]

This would scare the life out of me! I understand that it is fairly easy to get a house under contract, but what if you can’t sell the contract??? I guess you would then lose your earnest money… I think that all it would take would be once to chase me out of the business!

Talk about needing nerves of steel…and a very solid prayer life!

Yeah, that’s why my nerves are getting a little frayed.

There’s more to it than what I explained, of course. This isn’t gambling, after all. You have to have contingency plans in place. One of them is, yes, buying the house yourself. To do that, you make sure you’ve got a private or hard money lender (HML) ready to finance the project. The worst thing that can happen is you pay them on time. They’ll only approve a project if the numbers work, after all. And, of course, you have to write into your offers “contingent upon the approval of my lenders…”

 

[StephanieC]

Montanaman,

Let me just save some time & typing & be direct:

How’s your prayer life holding up?

It’s going to sound crazy, but my best advice is that now, more than ever, make your prayer life an absolute priority. Maybe even ask someone to be a prayer partner to help you stay accountable.

All decisions & promptings & openings; all stamina, energy, grace & peace will flow from that source–prayer.

Close loved ones are in a similar situation as yourself, and it’s worried me terribly to hear them say, “I just gotta get through this & then I’ll get a prayer life”…

 

[montanaman]

Montanaman,

Let me just save some time & typing & be direct:

How’s your prayer life holding up?

It’s going to sound crazy, but my best advice is that now, more than ever, make your prayer life an absolute priority. Maybe even ask someone to be a prayer partner to help you stay accountable.

All decisions & promptings & openings; all stamina, energy, grace & peace will flow from that source–prayer.

Close loved ones are in a similar situation as yourself, and it’s worried me terribly to hear them say, “I just gotta get through this & then I’ll get a prayer life”…

It’s all relative, isn’t it? Most practicing Catholics would probably say my prayer life is anemic, at best. I, however, would say it’s better than it’s ever been.

It’s 9:00pm and I’m still in the office rewriting the report that my boss shredded earlier. I’d say I’m about halfway done. I was getting that “These walls could use some more fist-holes” feeling when I decided that it was time to take it outside and take it to the Father. I walked around a bit, (it’s a gorgeous night), and finally was able to send up some prayers, but I hated the way my voice sounded. Plaintive, desperate, thankless. I thanked God for the good things, and asked that, if all else, if no words are forthcoming, that I at least be given hope, faith and even love.

Naturally, all I heard was the sound of traffic and crickets.

But that’s just the way it is. If God answers prayers, it’s in his own time. I don’t doubt that God is there, but I’ve come to realize that you get responses in HIS way, in HIS time. In the meantime, you still have reports to right, mortgages to pay, groceries to buy, etc. I say my nightly prayers every night and try to focus, but if routine is all I can muster, that’s all I can do.

 

[mamacita]

**Montanaman, My DH needs to be the one replying as we have been in this situation (sort of) ourselves. It’s not fun. But we made it, barely.

He actually became a more prayerful person because of it.

By the way, I have many family members, including my sister who graduated from Franciscan. Don’t worry, you will eventually make money! All my family members that graduated that are living quite comfortably and they are in their early 30’s, Some even younger. So that should not be a big deal.

I will let my DH reply more when he gets home from his 2nd job, he works as an accountant during the day and waits tables at night to make ends meet, so we feel your pain, and this is how our life has been for over 2 years now. But that’s a good thing compared to what we went through earlier this year **

 

[the_phoenix]

Dear montanaman,

It’s going to be all right, you’ll see. Meanwhile, you’re praying, which is excellent. Now is definitely a time of discernment, a time to take a look at your options and see whether there aren’t a few more you can discover that are worth exploring, that you may not have looked into before.

The above sounds like platitudes, I know. But I can relate. I’m a technical writer who on top of it is persecuted at work for being a practicing Catholic. If I were to lose my job tomorrow, it would not come as a surprise. And this after an actual performance review which was handled fairly this year, and a courteous acknowledgement that this coming year I’m eligible for more vacation time.

There are days when I’ve been afraid to set foot in my office building without praying to St. Michael. And there was a day recently when I prayed to St. Michael twice in one morning. Put up with close to an entire year of shunning by almost everybody in my department, many of whom are hostile ex-Catholics … Many of them finally cracked and broke the silence, guess they didn’t realize I have a tendency toward Carthusian spirituality and happen to thrive on Silence and Solitude, when I countered their hate with prayerful recourse to God’s Love.

In any case, I will pray for you.

You have a baby on the way, what an awesome cause for joy!!!

~~ the phoenix