Starting to feel alienated from my own religion

[LizKirb]

I am an 18 year old college student and something is really starting to rub me the wrong way. I am currently in RCIA and planning on getting confirmed on the 26th of April. I have found that I love Catholicism and almost everything about it. Nothing is going to stop me from receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit. But something honestly is starting to push me away from it. Not so far as to not believing in the religion, but as to disliking a lot of the people who practice it.

I constantly struggle with the contraception mandate and what the Catholic church teaches related to it. I’ve expressed my struggles and the response I’ve gotten is not very positive. I don’t reject the church teaching, but I don’t think that I am going to ever be able to follow through with it, or chastity, in my life. (I’m still a virgin and AT LEAST waiting for someone so undeniably special in my life to give it to. I hope that if my virginity is given before marriage, it is to the man that I am going to marry). I understand the Church’s perspective completely and think it’s certainly a good perspective with a lot of good points. I’ll certainly try and aim for it. It’s a good ideal. However, as with many Catholics, following both of those teachings in our lives is horribly unlikely. I think it’s something like 88% of Christians who claim to be waiting for sex until marriage break their promises. Statistically, it’s unlikely. And for those that can follow these, I commend you! That’s awesome.

I’ve looked all into NFP and I am absolutely not convinced. I can’t find an author with less than 5 children. I plan on being a career woman and not being a homemaker. Being a homemaker isn’t bad at all and is certainly an honorable occupation, but it’s definitely not for me. I just don’t have the personality for it. I’d go insane. Following my aspirations (which I believe God has given me) and using my bold personality is certainly not going to keep me at home. And with this, I don’t want any more than 2 or maybe 3 children MAX. It certainly wouldn’t be prudent with a career. I know my goals and such may change with time, but this is my goals now. I’m so much into it that I’m getting my education to achieve it.

But here’s my problem.

It’s never as if I’m “Catholic enough” for anybody. I can really see it in some people on these forums. I get looked at by other girls in my university youth group as almost “unholy” because I am honest and admit to my own weaknesses in the faith with chastity and contraception and admit that I probably will not be able to follow them. It makes me sick when these girls are in these supposedly “chaste” relationships when I know exactly what they did last night with their boyfriend. At least I am not a liar and am honest. According to the female minister, most of the girls in there are not virgins, but they act like it and condemn me for my honesty and my supposed “lack of chastity.” They’re just horrified that I am not going to stay at home with my 12 children and serve my husband hand and foot. I don’t want to homeschool my children. It is almost as if I am seen as a failure of a Catholic woman for not wanting that kind of life.

Then, among everyone, I am never good enough. I know we are never good enough for God, but if I don’t integrate faith into every single moment of my life, I am a failure of a Catholic. I should relate everything to God. Think of God when doing everything. Pray every second.

It’s exhausting!!! I don’t know how people do that.

I call myself a “moderate” Catholic in that I love the faith, but don’t take it to the extreme by flaunting it in every single aspect of my life. I really do love this faith so much. I find it so beautiful. But the people in it seem to be throwing me out for not being as “holy” or “devout” as them. Can’t anybody just be a Catholic without having someone else preaching how much “better” of a Catholic they are than them? It’s really hurting my feelings and drawing me away from the faith I love so much. It’s so hard to take. God is the only one who judges me. Why do people think it’s their right to tell me I’m a “bad” Catholic for not integrating it into absolutely everything?

I know there’s people that think like me, but throughout these forums I do see the extreme side of things more frequently and people being somewhat torn down for taking things “less seriously” than others. We’re not all perfect. Why are people acting like it and throwing me to the wolves because I’m not like them?

Thoughts?

 

[whm]

Liz you are searching for the Truth and you have found it in the Catholic Church! As a Catholic I know that we all sin and are in need of God’s healing Grace. Do not worry what other people think of you, be concerned only your relationship with God. We are not made into saints overnight.

You seem to be running through all the future possibilities of you life right now while you are young and at the beginning of your life. This is in someways good but don’t become obsessed about challenging decisions that you may be faced with 5 or 10 years from now.

You rightfully acknowledge how important avoiding sexual sin is before marriage (it is also important after marriage) You are afraid that you might fall. It is important and wise to acknowledge our weakness, but know this if you do fall and lose your virginity, that does not mean you can’t pick yourself up, confess your sins and continue your journey to sainthood.

Your concern about career and kids and so forth, is a necessary discussion that you should have during any serious courtship and will also be covered thoroughly during marriage preparation. You and your future husband can together make these decisions about spacing children through NFP, prayerfully when the time comes. A man who respects you enough to respect your virginity and hopefully also his own virginity (or renewed commitment to chastity) will be strong enough together to morally space births and make career decisions. The flexibility to both have a career and raise children is greater than it ever has been.

You mentioned that you are in RCIA, I recommend you discuss these concerns with your priest.

 

[Dorothy]

It would be good if you could find a parish where there are young people like yourself who are strong in the faith, and want to grow closer to the Lord. Life passes quickly, and eternity is forever!

It is possible to maintain chastity, and follow the correct moral guidelines for marriage if one has a prayer life and is faithful to the Sacraments. With God all things are possible; we should never allow thoughts in our head that makes us think it might not be possible.

There is a lot of rationalism going on today, and due to the culture in the entertainment world, music, partying, materialism, etc., there will not be a lot of people who even want to think of denying themselves pleasure.

True happiness comes from being close to the Lord. And, when husband and wife put the Lord first in their lives and help one another stay there, they will have a strong marriage and will be able to communicate well with one another.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

We have our entire life on this earth to become holy. However, most people don’t realise that holiness is the goal of a Christian when they are early on in their journey. It takes time. It is clear from your post that you still divide your life between ‘church stuff’ and other things. As you put it, being moderate and not obsessed with your faith. This is a normal stage in spiritual growth and there is nothing wrong with you. However, aim for more. Don’t settle for some mediocre life as a Catholic. Aim to give everything to God. If you pray and live a holy life you will get there with God’s help. We are all in the same boat, travelling, growing spiritually, becoming more Christlike. The behaviour of the girls you mention is extremely immature and hypocritical. But that is unfortunately a normal part of growing up too. Try and not take it to heart. Seek the company of slightly older and more mature people who can inspire you and not insult you with stupid comments.

 

[Maria1993]

I have felt the same sometimes, I am also 18. Suffer from scruples.
And i feel like that at times, like its never enough.
A very good person on here told me that Jesus felt excluded too, so whenever you feel like that think of Jesus, and that you’re not alone.

 

[SonCatcher]

I am an 18 year old college student and something is really starting to rub me the wrong way. I am currently in RCIA and planning on getting confirmed on the 26th of April. I have found that I love Catholicism and almost everything about it. Nothing is going to stop me from receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit. But something honestly is starting to push me away from it. Not so far as to not believing in the religion, but as to** disliking a lot of the people who practice it**.

I am glad you are coming more fully into the faith. Don’t be discouraged by the differences you have with some others. St. Paul and St. Barnabas, two of the Church’s greatest missionaries, had to split ways at one point.

I constantly struggle with the contraception mandate and what the Catholic church teaches related to it. I’ve expressed my struggles and the response I’ve gotten is not very positive. I don’t reject the church teaching, but I don’t think that I am going to ever be able to follow through with it, or chastity, in my life. (I’m still a virgin and AT LEAST waiting for someone so undeniably special in my life to give it to.** I hope that if my virginity is given before marriage, it is to the man that I am going to marry**).

I can assure you that if you give your virginity to a man who is only “special” you **decrease **the chance you will actually marry him. He will disappear with a piece of your soul and leave you heartbroken. The man you actually marry will be left to pick up the pieces. Your actual future husband’s heart will be broken, too.

I’ve looked all into NFP and I am absolutely not convinced. I can’t find an author with less than 5 children. I plan on being a career woman and not being a homemaker. Being a homemaker isn’t bad at all and is certainly an honorable occupation, but it’s definitely not for me. I just don’t have the personality for it. I’d go insane. Following my aspirations (which I believe God has given me) and using my bold personality is certainly not going to keep me at home. And with this, I don’t want any more than 2 or maybe 3 children MAX. It certainly wouldn’t be prudent with a career. I know my goals and such may change with time, but this is my goals now. I’m so much into it that I’m getting my education to achieve it.

The fact that many NFP users have more children than average has nothing to do with its effectiveness. There are even many who don’t “put their careers on hold.” Rather, every month, they ask whether their life circumstances allow them to receive another child.

Indeed, there are those who, due to poverty, illness or other reasons have one or two children only.

But here’s my problem.

It’s never as if I’m “Catholic enough” for anybody.

Unsurprising. There are some for whom even the Pope isn’t “Catholic enough.”

I can really see it in some people on these forums. I get looked at by other girls in my university youth group as almost “unholy” because I am honest and admit to my own weaknesses in the faith with chastity and contraception and admit that I probably will not be able to follow them. It makes me sick when these girls are in these supposedly “chaste” relationships when I know exactly what they did last night with their boyfriend. At least I am not a liar and am honest. According to the female minister, most of the girls in there are not virgins, but they act like it and condemn me for my honesty and my supposed “lack of chastity.” They’re just horrified that I am not going to stay at home with my 12 children and serve my husband hand and foot. I don’t want to homeschool my children. It is almost as if I am seen as a failure of a Catholic woman for not wanting that kind of life.

Your honesty is commendable. However, I caution you and the “female minister” to not make rash judgments on what you don’t know (it is impossible for you to know what they were really doing unless you had been spying on them).

Then, among everyone, I am never good enough. I know we are never good enough for God, but if I don’t integrate faith into every single moment of my life, I am a failure of a Catholic. I should relate everything to God. Think of God when doing everything. Pray every second.

It’s exhausting!!! I don’t know how people do that.

I call myself a “moderate” Catholic in that I love the faith, but don’t take it to the extreme by flaunting it in every single aspect of my life. I really do love this faith so much. I find it so beautiful. But the people in it seem to be throwing me out for not being as “holy” or “devout” as them. Can’t anybody just be a Catholic without having someone else preaching how much “better” of a Catholic they are than them? It’s really hurting my feelings and drawing me away from the faith I love so much. It’s so hard to take. God is the only one who judges me. Why do people think it’s their right to tell me I’m a “bad” Catholic for not integrating it into absolutely everything?

I know there’s people that think like me, but throughout these forums I do see the extreme side of things more frequently and people being somewhat torn down for taking things “less seriously” than others. We’re not all perfect. Why are people acting like it and throwing me to the wolves because I’m not like them?

Thoughts?

One wonderful thing about Catholicism is its diversity. Each person has a different level and type of spirituality. Not one level or type is better than another. Don’t sweat it.

 

[asd72]

Yes I think talking through these concerns with a Priest is the right way to go. It is normal to feel some doubts about some areas of Catholic teaching. Formation of conscious is about digging deeper and understanding the reasoning behind Catholic doctrine and understanding that we rely on Grace to live this out.

Do you think using artificial birth control and premarital sex is sinful? They are grave sins, which mean mortal sins in the presence of full knowledge and consent. It seems from your post you are thinking of committing these sins in advance without any current temptation as such, which suggests you need some further instruction in Christian morality. It is not unusual, we have been brought up in a moral relativist society, I know I had to rethink a lot of things over the past couple of years. I would discuss this with your Priest and listen to his advice.

 

[pinetree]

The love of God is faithful. His love as Father is there from all eternity, the love of the Father for his Son. That love is returned to the Father by the Son, who loves the Father back from all eternity. The love of God, the Father for the Son and the Son for the Father, is such a flaming furnace that it’s existence takes a life of its own, the life of a person, who is the Holy Spirit.

This is a great mystery, the mystery of God. And like it is the great mystery St. Paul says is the love of a husband and wife, which he says is like the love of Christ for the ‘church’ (which is us). That love of Christ for us is like the same love of the Father, Son and Spirit, a love that spilled over into this world when he came as a man, to bleed and die for us.

We must first come to know that love. Not by reading about it or thinking about it, but by spending time with God himself, alone, in quiet, so that we can hear the soft voice of his own love in our own heart, and know that it is real. Then we can understand that the love he breathes in the Trinity and shows on the cross, is the same love that he offers in his gift of marriage.

Sex is one of the original gifts of blessedness from the Garden of Eden. The Catholic marriage ceremony says that the marriage act is 'the only gift that was not lost in the Fall or washed away in the Flood". It is a very special gift, an act of loving in a way that is like God’s loving. When we have sex in faithfulness to our partner out of a promise of forever (marriage) and in a spirit of welcoming newness of life (not contracepting the giver of life), we are loving like God by acting in the way he intended us to be.

Marriage really is as the church describes it - open to life - because God himself is open to life. From the Father’s love the son was begotten, from their love proceeds the Holy Spirit. God’s love spilled over into the whole world when he created it: billions of stars, flowers, waves on the sea, sunsets and moonrises. His generosity is boundless. And because God made us ‘in his image’, from married love proceeds that same generosity, goodness, and love.

Wait till you hold your own child in your arms, if you are so blessed. What you cannot understand now with your mind, you will feel with your heart.

God love you, and keep the faith.

 

[mini_me640]

I will say that following NFP does not require you to be a homemaker. My doctor is a devout Catholic with 6 children and, obviously, a working doctor.

Take it all one step at a time and dont let other people’s attitudes get to you so much. We are all a work in progress.

 

[Kelfa28]

Start practicing NFP now. Seriously! Even thought you aren’t with anyone and are a virgin, still practice NFP so you can get used to it and track your cycles. That way when you do get married one day you will already be well-versed in it’s teachings and methods.

The fact is…many families that use NFP have more children because they want more!

It’s daunting, I understand. It’s easy to think that a pill can take care of everything. The situation is worse if the pill fails because you weren’t open to life. At least with NFP, you are. The more practice you have with it the better off you will be.

Take a class, read more books and start charting now.

 

[asd72]

If I am not mistaken you said in another thread you are doing a presentation on contraception in RCIA. How does that work? Especially since you don’t seem to agree with the the future use of NFP in your own life.

 

[LizKirb]

If I am not mistaken you said in another thread you are doing a presentation on contraception in RCIA. How does that work? Especially since you don’t seem to agree with the the future use of NFP in your own life.

We had to give presentations on controversial issues which we didn’t agree with. Mine was obviously contraception. It swayed my opinion a little, but I’m still struggling with it. I am trying not to completely reject its teaching, but it’s still very hard to me to accept. Integrating it into my own life is going to be a challenge.

Same thing with the whole chastity thing. It’s not that I’m “planning” on committing these sins, but I know they are likely to happen. I don’t WANT to, however I wouldn’t be shocked if it happened. That kind of thing. I don’t believe people should plan their specific sins in advance. I do believe that people need to be aware of their weaknesses.

 

[LizKirb]

Yes I think talking through these concerns with a Priest is the right way to go. It is normal to feel some doubts about some areas of Catholic teaching. Formation of conscious is about digging deeper and understanding the reasoning behind Catholic doctrine and understanding that we rely on Grace to live this out.

Do you think using artificial birth control and premarital sex is sinful? They are grave sins, which mean mortal sins in the presence of full knowledge and consent. It seems from your post you are thinking of committing these sins in advance without any current temptation as such, which suggests you need some further instruction in Christian morality. It is not unusual, we have been brought up in a moral relativist society, I know I had to rethink a lot of things over the past couple of years. I would discuss this with your Priest and listen to his advice.

Sorry for the double post, but yes, I do consider them sinful. I don’t think they are meant to happen. But at the same time, I know my weaknesses and I believe that I am going to fail in these areas. I will certainly try my best not to. Like I said, I am not “planning” on committing these sins. That would be really an abuse of God and his gift of confession.

Being Catholic is ridiculously harder than I thought. I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take two steps back.

 

[asd72]

Sorry for the double post, but yes, I do consider them sinful. I don’t think they are meant to happen. But at the same time, I know my weaknesses and I believe that I am going to fail in these areas. I will certainly try my best not to. Like I said, I am not “planning” on committing these sins. That would be really an abuse of God and his gift of confession.

Being Catholic is ridiculously harder than I thought. I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take two steps back.

I find it hard too. I have my own weaknesses believe me. Just don’t give up and feel defeated before the battle!

 

[DulcisAncilla]

Same thing with the whole chastity thing. It’s not that I’m “planning” on committing these sins, but I know they are likely to happen. I don’t WANT to, however I wouldn’t be shocked if it happened. That kind of thing. I don’t believe people should plan their specific sins in advance. I do believe that people need to be aware of their weaknesses.

You have received excellent advice so far, and I commend you for seeking feedback on these issues.

As far as your resignation to future sexual sin, LizKirb, I have to say your story really resonates with me. I clearly remember having deep, intimate talks with my closest friends - all much more devout in their various Protestant faiths than I in my Catholic - during our high school years, where we agreed that, despite our romantic dispositions, we should essentially resign ourselves to the reality that our future husbands would be sexually experienced when we met them, and premarital intimacy would unquestionably be an element of our (hypothetical future) relationships as well. It was only a matter of time, no doubt. No one could be engaged without having sex, right?

Friend #1 was; she married a virgin (she’s a gorgeous doctor, he’s a professor). Friend #2 was; she married a virgin (she’s a gorgeous pediatrician, he’s a financier). Friend # 3 was; she married a virgin (are you sensing a pattern here? ) **They are simply men and women who utilized their time as single, non-committed individuals to grow in their love of Christ. **No grand pronouncements of virginity-til-marriage, just young people who were selective in dating relationships, valued ourselves and our boyfriends, and held each other to high standards of behavior when every single other influence in our lives strove to convince us that sex was inconsequential, and we were missing out by not having it.

Instead, we worked to develop our careers and professional lives as well as our consciences and to purify our lives and hearts, even in tiny and incremental ways, that we might hear God’s call more clearly. And I in particular strove to understand marriage as a vocation - something our society at large would never deem it - and to learn more about what it entailed, as well as how to prepare myself for it.

For some, like me, it was a very private growth, but my heart knew truth when I encountered it - for me, in the writings of Karol Woltyja/John Paul II, Fulton J. Sheen (Three to Get Married is marvelous), and Dietrich von Hildebrand. I knew I wanted to give myself the opportunity to experience my sexuality in the committed, loving, and fecund security that only marriage can bring, to associate it totally with my spouse and our love, and to see it in a positive and joyful light. It’s as simple as that.

Take your life one day at a time, one decision at a time, and really challenge yourself in regards to the notion that your sins are “likely to happen.” Don’t plan on anything, okay? If you make some grandiose pledge *now *that you will never have sex before marriage…well, your heart and your mind need to be more committed than that. Such a general and unfeeling aim will likely not hold you to such behavior, should you ever be tempted. Instead, strive to understand why God would deem sex as only appropriate for married couples; the physiological, the social, the emotional, the supernatural reasons, as well as the logical ones (out-of-wedlock pregnancies, STDs, the heartbreak of intimate relationships that end, the divorce rates of couples who co-habitate prior to marriage, etc). Understand marital sex from a Catholic perspective, and you’d never intentionally forgo the opportunity to experience it exclusively within your marriage. I’m willing to bet.

As far as knowing your weaknesses, it’s wonderful that you have the humility and insight to assess your particular areas of sinfulness. I’ve found that honest, thorough Examinations of Conscience preceding genuine, heartfelt, frequent Confession is the absolute best way to address and gradually eliminate weaknesses and predilections for particular temptations, particularly if coupled with earnest prayer that God help you see how truly offensive certain sins are, and how they sever you from God’s grace. It’s an incredibly powerful Sacrament that I hope you utilize with much success!

 

[twoangels]

The important thing to understand is that the goal in Catholicism is not to become a decent person. The goal of Catholicism is to be made holy by Christ. This is a process.

The moral demands made of us are impossible to follow through sheer force of human will. This is where the work of Christ comes in, where the Holy Spirit works on purifying you. Part of this involves your will. You have to strive to be chaste and holy in all ways. Part of this means making firm commitments to not sin knowing you will be a hypocrite. As I told my husband when we were dating, if you’re not a hypocrite, your sense of morality is not strict enough.

All and all, you want to be a humble hypocrite rather than an arrogant hypocrite. Though chances are, you’ll fall into other sins that will make you arrogant as well. But overall, you want to acknowledge your sins and all the ways you fall short, while continuing to preach the total truth without compromise.

When you notice other people’s sexual sins, recognize that you’re just noticing their sins and that’s all. They are doing nothing wrong if they get back up and go to confession ASAP and give a talk on chastity a week later. If a girl makes a chastity pledge when she is 15, stays committed but falls and loses her virginity before she marries (say to her fiance’ a month before the wedding), that doesn’t mean she didn’t take the promise seriously. That doesn’t mean that it didn’t mean a lot to her. It means she sinned. However if she decided “I can’t be a hypocrite so I’m going to reduce this to an ideal to shoot so that when I fail I won’t feel so bad about myself”, than she is doing something wrong.

Allowing yourself to be the hypocrite is hard. It takes recognizing that your accomplishments in overcoming sin are not yours but Christs. It also takes being able to take criticism from others. I know a woman who seemed to go out of her way to find my faults because she the way I conducted myself I just seemed far too perfect. It made her feel bad about herself. Seeing my sins or even insisting I was lying about my behavior and talking about it to others makes her feel better about herself.

 

[LilyM]

LizKirb, you are a student - I presume you aren’t silly enough to go into exams thinking ‘meh, I’m useless at this, I’ll probably fail’

Or a job interview thinking ‘I wouldn’t be able to do this job anyway, probably won’t do well at the interview’.

If you’ve ever done so, you’ll know that it becomes something of a self fulfilling prophecy - tell yourself you’re not going to succeed and it’s very likely you won’t.

Good news with chastity - and all the other virtues - is that you needn’t depend on your own strength or lack thereof. God wants you to be chaste even more than you want it yourself, and is totally capable of giving you more than enough help to make it happen.

Remind yourself of some apt scriptural verses - ‘with God ALL things are possible’, ‘I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me’ and the like and watch those self-defeating thoughts disappear. You’ll achieve more than you even dreamed you could.

 

[ahollars]

Don’t feel bad. None of us are immune from failure. That does not make us any less Catholic. What separates us is that we try to make amends for what we do wrong, in addition to promising to avoid and reject sin.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am carnal, sold into slavery to sin.What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I concur that the law is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that good does not dwell in me, that is, in my flesh. The willing is ready at hand, but doing the good is not. For I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. So, then, I discover the principle that when I want to do right, evil is at hand. For I take delight in the law of God, in my inner self, l but I see in my members another principle at war with the law of my mind, taking me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Miserable one that I am! Who will deliver me from this mortal body? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Therefore, I myself, with my mind, serve the law of God but, with my flesh, the law of sin.

~Romans 7:14-25~

See… Even Saint Paul was not immune from the effects of sin, even at this point in his life. Don’t get discouraged.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You are a product of your upbringing. It is what people are told all of their lives, “We don’t want you to have premarital sex, but we understand that teenagers are going to have urges and probably give in to those urges, so here is some birth control.”



It is time for you to question these things you have been taught. Are you REALLY unable to constrain your urges? Do you eat everything around you until the food is gone, whether or not you are hungry or whether or not the food is good for you? No, you make CHOICES and you control your appetite. Do you spend every dime you make, when you know you will have expenses to be paid? No, hopefully you make CHOICES and you control your desire to have more stuff until the bills are paid and you have saved some money. Do you give in to any other whim or lust that happens in your life? Hopefully not, or you’d most likely be in jail by now.

What I am saying to you is to question that horrible fatalistic societal teaching that tells you that sex is inevitable even if you TRY to control your urges. People CAN choose to remain chaste. YOU can make that decision, and you can make a better decision than merely, “Well, I want to at least be careful who I pick to give my virginity to, since I am obviously going to have sex at some point.” YOU are in charge of this, my dear!

I feel sorry that no one in your life has explained your choices to you. You may have already been offered birth control “just in case,” even your mother may believe it is a sensible thing to do. That merely leads to the outcome predicted - sex before marriage. And since birth control gives people the very wrong idea that sex is not for making babies, when a baby is created, they feel it is a mistake and must be aborted. It’s a “problem,” when actually, God created us to reproduce and that is why sex feels so good! So we do it in order to bond more closely, and create a family. But now we have unhinged sexual reproduction from the act itself, and all has gone awry.

My dear, I realized these things much too late, I came of age in the 1970’s without any guidance at all. I can tell you stories that will set your hair on end. Don’t do it, don’t make the same mistakes I did and a lot of my generation did. Many of us know better now and want more for our kids than we had - not possessions, but not to ruin themselves by whoring out their bodies and giving away their souls, one piece at a time. I had no idea that would be the outcome, but once your treasure is spoiled, you can’t get it back. Love yourself and your God more than that. He wants more for you.

 

[paperclip]

First of all, I entirely agree with what Juliane says.

Secondly, here’s some background. I’m engaged to a 31 year old man, I’m 27. We are both virgins and waiting until marriage. This is the point: I couldn’t do it without him. If one of the couple doesn’t hold the concept of waiting until marriage as valid, then the other has to bear the burden for both of them. As the woman, I didn’t understand how quickly men can be ‘ready for action’, so to speak, so it was up to him to a certain degree to tell me when we should stop doing anything (sometimes even just hugging me can be too much at times!). If I tried to undress him or vice versa, it would increase the pressure on the other person.

However.

   I've found that not being able to 'express our love' in that way means that we have to learn how to express our love in other ways- we look out for other ways to make each other happy, learn what sort of things perk up their day. We use the language of love, not just of sex. I make up for things by making him a full irish fry. He loves that.

You both put more effort into the relationship and learn more about each other when you’re not having sex. It’s easy to let the sex consume the relationship. If you don’t give it a chance to, you’re allowing yourself to know the other person for the person much better BEFORE you go down that road. Having sex releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes you feel closer to the other person whether or not that person is the right one for you. This clouds your judgement if you’re still in the judging phase. You wouldn’t choose the person to spend the rest of your life with if you were constantly a bit drunk, would you? This isn’t very much different.

My mother told me before that NFP helps keep your marriage ‘fresh’- it’s like a little courtship period every month. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can see how that works, even now before the wedding.

It really is worth waiting. I have absolutely no regrets, compared to some of my friends who have been cheated on by the guys they thought they loved and to whom they gave their virginity to. If a guy won’t ‘cheat’ on you with you while you’re dating or engaged, it’s more of a sure bet they won’t cheat on you with someone else when you’re married.

My point is this. Don’t say you ‘can’t’ wait for marriage. That’s like giving up before you even begin. Make up your mind that you want to go about doing things the right way, that you want to choose your future husband without other things clouding your sight, that you want your husband to know you for yourself, not for your ‘techniques’ or whatever.

Just my 2c worth.