Starting to question all the rules

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cj76

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I’m a practicing Catholic for the most part. I miss mass a couple times a year. In comparison to others around me, I’m doing great. My wife’s brother left the church after having twins because it was a hassle to have kids in church. I’ve gotten complacent about this and I wish I was more worried about those 2 times I missed rather than thinking the other 50 weeks should count for something.

All I see on the news is who was murdered, raped, abused, mugged, etc. and I think “I have a leg up on those people too.” I really should be thinking about that time I rolled some food across the conveyor belt at the supermarket and it said “please place on belt” so I put another one on without paying for it when we were having financial difficulties.

My wife wasn’t raised in as strict of a Catholic household as I was, so it’s hard to stand up to her saying I want to go to ALL holy day masses and all 52 weekend masses per year. I’m not trying to pass the blame, but just when I thought I was living a good life, I am left feeling like a failure after doing some reading on sins.

Above all, I have difficulty putting my faith over what would otherwise make logical sense in life if I weren’t Catholic. We have 2 kids, that’s all we wanted, so I got a vasectomy. My wife was a high risk pregnancy due to obesity and blood pressure issues. It made sense for us to not put her at risk, but now that has left me feeling guilty. Please help me with the feeling like I’m doomed anyway and might as well give up because according to Church law, I’ll be spending eternity in Hell.
 
Everything starts with prayer. Pray daily, every day, at least one prayer, every day.
 
And do it until the day you die.
 
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cj76 said:
We have 2 kids, that’s all we wanted, so I got a vasectomy.
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This is one of those issues where some Catholics need to create an eleborate story of “well i wasn’t really breaking the rule because i didn’t not do something and that’s better than deliberately doing something bad”. To be honest i can’t be bothered with these kind of word salad games and needing 12 steps of logic to get to cover up the truth that i really don’t want the ~8 kids I’d inevitably have if i had genuinely procreational sex and an healthy sex life. If heaven is reserved for the ~8 kid families, the infertile and the celibate then so be it.
 
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See now, this is when I get thrown into confusion about Catholic ethics. I 100% think that “deliberately planning” families for the “perfect number” of children is wrong, and I 100% think that birth control has had terrible effects on society. But I don’t see anything wrong with what you did, cj76, provided that there was a real risk to your wife’s life if she conceived.
 
stupidisasstupiddoes said:
i really don’t want the ~8 kids I’d inevitably have if i had genuinely procreational sex and an healthy sex life
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Except that you wouldn’t, not with NFP. Unless you define “healthy sex life” as “sex four times a week”.

This OP’s post, though, pertains to a different type of decision.
 
Why would you be “damned for all eternity?” Don’t be dramatic. If you mess up, go to confession and try to do better in the future. None of us are perfect.
 
How well do you understand probability? For the record, 3 times a week is healthy. We know it’s healthy because there is no better predictor of divorce than the quality of your sex life with your spouse.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
Why would you be “damned for all eternity?” Don’t be dramatic. If you mess up, go to confession and try to do better in the future. None of us are perfect.
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Yes, but he may not feel repentant for something that he believes he had to do.
 
stupidisasstupiddoes said:
How well do you understand probability? For the record, 3 times a week is healthy. We know it’s healthy because there is no better predictor of divorce than the quality of your sex life with your spouse.
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I’d like to see the statistics on three times a week. Most women I know would be offended if their husband wanted it that much. I think it’s more than possible to have a great sex life without having sex more than once a week or so.

(I will say, though, that it’s not surprising that a man would not leave a wife that has sex with him that often.) 🤣
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Most women I know would be offended if their husband wanted it that much.
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Then frankly they have an unhealthy attitude towards sex. People need to engage brain about why the divorce and infidelity rates are so high in western countries.
 
stupidisasstupiddoes said:
How does that explain “taking offence” to a husband wanting sex?
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I don’t think I meant “take offense” in the sense you mean. I meant simply that she would be like, “Chill, buster. Gimme a day or two, and we can tango”.
 
stupidisasstupiddoes said:
People need to engage brain about why the divorce and infidelity rates are so high in western countries.
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… and why these rates continue to be high even given the availability of contraception, which should make it easier than ever for them to maintain “healthy” sex lives, according to some. Maybe something other than lots of sex is missing.
 
It’s never a good idea to compare yourself to others.
God doesn’t see us on a bell curve.
 
Don’t despair. Church is a hospital for sinners. It matters not so much how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up again.

We should try to be understanding of others but very strict on ourselves.
 
cj76 said:
I’m a practicing Catholic for the most part. I miss mass a couple times a year. In comparison to others around me, I’m doing great.
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The obligation to attend mass is a serious one, but it isn’t absolute. We are excuse for serious causes such as illness, care of infants, work, etc. So, you state you miss mass a couple of times a year-- but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done anything wrong.
cj76 said:
My wife’s brother left the church after having twins because it was a hassle to have kids in church
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I find that rather dubious. First, many churches provide child care. Secondly, many parents switch off so they do not take the kids but rather each attend a separate mass. Thirdly, parents switch off attending mass and staying home to care for the infants (care of infants excuses us from the obligation if need be).

That seems a rather flimsy reason. Perhaps it is more of a convenient reason than a real reason.
cj76 said:
My wife wasn’t raised in as strict of a Catholic household as I was, so it’s hard to stand up to her saying I want to go to ALL holy day masses and all 52 weekend masses per year.
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There shouldn’t be a reason to ‘stand up to her’. We should worship God and we should be thankful for the ability to do so. Worshiping God, receiving him sacramentally, are the source and summit of the faith. We are excused when we have a reason, we can also receive a dispensation from our pastor when needed. But, to not go just to not go-- your wife is right.
cj76 said:
I’m not trying to pass the blame, but just when I thought I was living a good life, I am left feeling like a failure after doing some reading on sins.
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Talk to your pastor. It sounds like you need spiritual counsel. We should neither walk around thinking we never sin nor should we walk around convinced we are sinning every time we turn around. The truth is in between. We need to be accountable for our sins-- stealing that which did not belong to us at the grocery store, skipping mass for no reason, etc. We need NOT be accountable or guilty for not attending mass when we were sick, our child was sick or fussy, we needed to care for an infant or our parent/grandparent/sick person, we had to work, etc.
cj76 said:
We have 2 kids, that’s all we wanted, so I got a vasectomy. My wife was a high risk pregnancy due to obesity and blood pressure issues. It made sense for us to not put her at risk, but now that has left me feeling guilty.
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That is a good reason to go to confession. There are moral means of avoiding pregnancy and immoral means. The Church doesn’t ask or require that you have children if there are serious reasons not to. You chose a path that is not in accord with God’s commandments. But, there is certainly forgiveness available.
 
cj76 said:
Please help me with the feeling like I’m doomed anyway and might as well give up because according to Church law, I’ll be spending eternity in Hell.
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Go to confession, seek counsel from your priest. We can start over, be cleansed of our sins, and recommit ourselves to living a holy life even if we’ve been the worst sinner in the world (which you haven’t been!)

Grace is freely given. We need but reach out.

You sound like you are going through a lot of stuff and the grass seems greener on the non-religious side of the fence. It isn’t.
 
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