Stay at Home Mom, Submission to Spouse & Money

[peaceandjoy]

I am a stay at home mom with a few young kids. I rarely buy anything even “basics” like clothes unless absolutely necessary. We always cook from home. I keep the grocery budget down to the lowest I can possibly can. I am pregnant with multiple toddlers and exhausted. I also homeschool our oldest. I could greatly use some extra help for a few hours a day-which my husband supports but I don’t see where we can even find the money for that in our budget with things being so tight. He tells me to find someone, but I have no money to pay them. My husband handles the finances- I always ask if I need something. In the past, we’ve hired babysitters and still owe some of them because he never gave me money to pay them.

An additional challenge is that we only have one vehicle (that he drives to work.) I have to rely on him to to pick up groceries and to do anything outside of the home.

I know he is trying and we had some financial set backs with investments that did not go well. I keep mentioning I might need to get a job. He disagrees because he sees the value in staying at home and is trying really hard to bring in more income- I just have to be patient.

But it is hard to be patient when I am completely powerless over my financial situation. I struggle with not having a vehicle- we live in a rural area so nothing is walkable and there are no busses. I know Uber exists but with multiple carseats, I just think it would be a huge production to go somewhere in that way.

So my question is- at what point do I need to put my foot down and say I need to get a job and send the kids to a daycare of some sort? In a few months I will have a newborn in the mix- would a company even hire me?

I also struggle with feeling sad, because leaving my kids in daycare especially with these uncertain pandemic times is absolutely not what I want to do- but I feel irresponsible for our bills being late, owing so much debt, and not having a vehicle. (Again, I know he is trying. He recently got a better job and he thinks in a few weeks we will be able to fix up a broken vehicle his friend has for me to use but I don’t think it is going to be very safe/reliable.)

I know he loves me and he truly wants things to get better. He isn’t frivolously spending money, taking vacations, hanging out with friends or anything like that.

At the same time, I am sad I don’t have access to money unless I mention what I want/need specifically. I have tried to be patient about not having a vehicle but it is wearing on me and my mental health.

What should I do? Am I being too impatient? Is it wrong to send my kids to daycare to make more money? We are surviving and I am trying to be grateful- it’s just luxuries like having access to a car and being able to pay bills promptly. I get major stress over owing money to people/bills. My husband is comfortable with it at the moment but doesn’t always want it to be that way. Is this normal to go through as a stay at home mom? Prayers are appreciated because I am having a hard time knowing what to do.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

All I can tell you is that your concerns are reasonable. There’s nothing in your marriage vows that obligates you to sit quietly and never voice an opinion. It’s totally fine to say to your husband “our financial situation is precarious and I’m overwhelmed; let’s talk about possible solutions.” Don’t be afraid to voice an opinion even if you disagree. Obviously, do so in a kind, loving way. But you are allowed to assert yourself.

 

[TheIttyBitty]

It may help one aspect of the situation if you befriend some moms at your local Parish and see if you can help them and they could help you…this way the work for each individual can feel a lot less, children get some play dates in, and you have an outlet mini community of friends for a bit of socializing.

If you can get a note in your Church bulletin, it may help.

Plus, many moms may have hand-me-downs they’d be willing to give you, and you may have hand me downs that others could use as well.

If the issue is the investing, getting a job will just increase the money that gets invested…so if it fails or continues to fail…
I’d be careful of that at least with someone that is not wise in their investments. Especially if you are not in control of that.

 

[blackforest]

My husband handles the finances- I always ask if I need something.

Don’t get used to this or comfortable with it. This is not a sign of a healthy marriage. Finances in any marriage are joint and to be handled likewise. You work harder and more hours. He can take for granted that he’s coming home to his children being raised well and for free. Because of this, his paycheck is your paycheck. If he protests this idea, then it’s time to earn your own paycheck and - for heaven’s sake - pay back those poor sitters so that you can ensure future childcare!

If you wish to avoid putting in the “double day” - i.e. working all day and then being expected to work at night with the usual stay-at-home mom chores - consider putting in some part-time evening and night-time hours somewhere. Do you have any particular degree or credentials?

The deacon at our old parish told me that money is the Number One thing he sees tearing married couples apart. Have you considered speaking with your priest or deacon?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

These are things you need to discuss with your husband.

With respect to you getting a job, I think you need to be realistic. I’m presuming from your post that if you worked outside the home, it would not be at some high-paying career such as doctor, lawyer, corporate manager. You are pregnant, with multiple toddlers. Putting multiple toddlers in day care is expensive. Infant day care is also difficult to find and is expensive and it’s also hard on a lot of levels (physical, emotional) for women to be apart from their babies all day. You will also need some kind of reliable transportation to work, which costs money. And your boss might not be very supportive of you needing to leave work if your small children suddenly have some emergency.

Unless you have some family member who you can reliably trust to look after and nurture your small children, this might not be the greatest time to go looking for work outside the home. (Especially with COVID concerns depressing the business picture in many areas.) Otherwise, the costs of your daycare and transportation are likely to eat up a lot of your earnings. I would suggest perhaps looking for some kind of work you can do from home until your children get a little older and you get the transportation issues straightened out.

 

[Allie1]

My husband handles the finances- I always ask if I need something

But it is hard to be patient when I am completely powerless over my financial situation

but I feel irresponsible for our bills being late, owing so much debt, and not having a vehicle

May I ask do you have access to your bank accounts and credit card accounts to actually see how much money you guys have in the bank and how much debt you owe?

The reason why I ask is that I myself have also taken on the role of managing the finances in my marriage. But, my spouse has complete access to all of these accounts to hop on and look at them whenever he wants, and I am never offended if he independently checks to look at the finances.

I know that your husband manages the finances but do you also have access to these financial accounts to also check where your families money is going? And to see areas to tighten your budget that you may not be aware of?

 

[Irishmom2]

If you have multiple toddlers at home, I agree that the cost of putting them in daycare would be phenomenal. In some cases, the cost of daycare ends up eating up any earnings you would make, plus, you only have one car.

I think that you should try to work with what you have until your kids are in school and then, work somewhere where you can work their school hours. When they are older, you may be able to work an evening job when your husband is home to care for the children.

What concerns me is the isolation you are describing. Is there any way that you could even a couple of days a week drive your husband to work so you can have the car to take the kids to the park or visit a friend with kids for a play date?

Also, what is your background? Is there anything you can do to earn income from your home?

 

[Annie]

First, I cannot tell you how important it is for you to have equal access to everything financial in your household.

You should not have to ask your husband for money to pay the babysitter; you should be able to write a check to her.

Paying bills promptly is not a luxury!!!

You should be able to look at all statements, know how much is in the bank, where all the money is going.

You are pregnant–congratulations!!!-- but if you are visibly pregnant it may be hard for you to get a job.

For right now, since you are pregnant, your husband can get a job working evenings and/or weekends for long enough to get yourselves caught up on your bills.

Once your baby is a few months old, you and your husband can decide whether it is easier for you for you to have an evening/weekend job while he watches the children or easier for you if he continues with his extra job.This should be based on what is easier for you because you are already making tremendous sacrifices and he needs to consider you more.

Please, do not allow yourselves to live on the idea that things will get better on their own.

Have in your minds that if you start getting into a little debt with everyday expenses (electric bills, babysitters, groceries on credit cards) that it will only get worse without making changes, and the best time to make those changes is right at the beginning when the debt is small, rather than after they have ballooned, or your electricity is cut off, or some other crisis occurs.

 

[Annie]

in a few weeks we will be able to fix up a broken vehicle his friend has for me to use but I don’t think it is going to be very safe/reliable.)

If the car is not good enough for him to use to go back and forth to work, it is not good enough for his wife and children to drive around in.

If you two have one “good” car and one “unknown” car, he should have the latter. You do not want to be broken down somewhere with all your children…

 

[Legend]

What you are doing at home sounds like a full-time job-at least! So, if your husband manages the finances…well, it looks like he’s not doing a very good job.

Have you ever insisted that you have access to the bank account(s)? Questioned him about the wisdom of some investments? Do you even know just what he invests in?

As his partner in marriage, you have a right to know what may effect yourself and your kids. When he suggests you hire some help, just tell him how much it will cost. For necessities, he should be expecting this, by now.

If you can’t pay even a babysitter what you owe her, something’s wrong here…

 

[Anicette]

Yes, it is normal and a noble status to be a stay at home mother, be relieved! The world may not recognized you for what you do, but our Lord see.

I see a lot of suffering in your post. I am sorry for you.

It is normal to be anxious in our situation. everybody will be.

I have the priviledge to live in a country that help families, practically and financially. I am sorry that you don’t.
Have you list all the possibilities of help you may have? Family? Social help? through parish? Charitable associations, neighboors, friends etc?
And for what? babysitting, loan or gift, help inside the home, loan or rental car etc?

I think for now it is not workable and smart to envisionned to take a job. Your costs (day care, buy a second car, gazoline, inassurance, food, clothe) will probbaly be by far higher than what you may earn.
Unless you have very high qualifications and work experience with the real perspective to earn a really high income where you live, or that you have enough social help that your day care is almost free…

Some posters suggest that you try to work from home. I don’t know if you have enough spare time and would have enough when the baby is born. I doubt it. But you are the one who know what you can do.

It is not shocking to me that your husband do the groceries. We do the same.

I think that one of the priority to adress is your isolation. If it is difficult to go outside, try to invite friends at home (some who don’t care if your home is not well organized!).
Contact your parish and say them you feel very isolated with your kids at home and ask them what they can propose. Maybe a volunteer person can visit you or help you time to time, or they have some activities or mother group supports.
If you feel depressed, please, call for help, even a therapist if needed!

I also think that even if it is him you earn the money, you need to have a joint account and able to use it. You may have an agreement that if the purchase is expensive, you ask each other before.

 

[Anicette]

I suffered myself a lot from isolation, (and what you describe, but in less serious degree). I speak to my former pastor, and he try to give me some contacts of families around me. Maybe start here. Olders people can be kind too and more able to help with children.

You mentionned that you homeschool but you also want a paid job.

It is difficult to have both, so you would probbly need to make a choice when all your children would be of school age. But you have still time to think of that with your husband. Your priorities may be more down to earth now.

 

[ZemD]

I’m very sorry for your financial issues, you and your family will be in my prayers tonight.

I have to echo what has already been said, if you have multiple young children and a baby on the way, unless you bring in a substantial salary, you working will not even cover the cost of daycare.

Can you ask your husband to help with the finances? Most utility companies and creditors would rather work with you to get something on time rather than nothing. Since you are home during the day you could make these calls and arrangements if your husband agrees. Can your church help you out temporarily, or a food bank? The money you save on groceries could help you catch up a little on bills.

Just a few ideas. Try not to worry too much, having young kids and being pregnant is enough stress without any additional troubles.

 

[1ke]

He tells me to find someone, but I have no money to pay them. My husband handles the finances- I always ask if I need something. In the past, we’ve hired babysitters and still owe some of them because he never gave me money to pay them.

This is not wise. You both need to be equally involved in the household finances both in the paying of bills, knowing what’s in bank accounts, having access to accounts, and creating the household budget. Budget in child care such as babysitting and house cleaning, together.

But it is hard to be patient when I am completely powerless over my financial situation.

You need to change that. Be active in the finances of the home. And, if you need to get a part time job, do so. You can do some work from home from Fivvr and such, if you have skills such as design or writing.

So my question is- at what point do I need to put my foot down and say I need to get a job and send the kids to a daycare of some sort? In a few months I will have a newborn in the mix- would a company even hire me?

YESTERDAY.

At least put your foot down regarding family budgeting, managing of finances, access to money and bank account, and the car situation. You might not need to take a job that requires day care if you can do some freelance that allows flexibility on when you do the work-- that depends on your skills.

Also, since you are pregnant, it’s not the ideal time to get a job outside the home, especially with COVID. But, you do what you have to do to pay the bills. That’s up to you.

I am sad I don’t have access to money unless I mention what I want/need specifically

And why is that? This is an unhealthy dynamic you should have remedied a long time ago.

 

[1ke]

What should I do? Am I being too impatient? Is it wrong to send my kids to daycare to make more money? We are surviving and I am trying to be grateful- it’s just luxuries like having access to a car and being able to pay bills promptly. I get major stress over owing money to people/bills. My husband is comfortable with it at the moment but doesn’t always want it to be that way. Is this normal to go through as a stay at home mom? Prayers are appreciated because I am having a hard time knowing what to do.

These are prudential decisions that you should make together with your husband, and find a counselor to help mediate if you aren’t on the same page. Financial counseling might also help. You mention investments that didn’t pan out. If you husband is putting money into investments without the appropriate level of knowledge and professional guidance that is also unwise on his part and he needs to stop. If you don’t have the basics, such as a reliable car and enough money to pay what you already owe, it is NOT the time to be doing risky investing.

You need to get your eyeballs on the books NOW. It is very irresponsible to not know the financial position of your own household-- what you own, what you owe, to whom, and what is in every bank account and investment account, how much insurance you have, etc. Your name should be on ALL documents and you should have access to everything. NO secrets.

 

[1ke]

PS

This literally has NOTHING to do with “submission” to your spouse. If anyone has told you that, they are FAR off the mark of what the Church teaches here.

 

[Dr_Meinheimer]

This is not wise. You both need to be equally involved in the household finances both in the paying of bills, knowing what’s in bank accounts, having access to accounts, and creating the household budget. Budget in child care such as babysitting and house cleaning, together.

OP, There are a myriad of reasons for this, but one that jumps out is what will you do should he pass away suddenly? There are enough challenges with the loss of a spouse that we don’t need to add “how to I pay for everything I have to pay for.”

 

[TC3033]

This is crazy stuff and daycares are just orphanages at best. Theres no faith! All they do is shuffle them around in a constant recess.

Preposterous.

My husband handles the finances- I always ask if I need something.

This is a red flag, especially in the isolation that you speak of that you live in.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I am wondering if you could ask your parish to see if anyone is willing to provide you with FREE daily daycare like a 13 or 14 year old girl who can help in the home.

A 13-14 year old girl should not be expected to provide 3-4 hours of home help for free. It’s a task that’s well beyond the ability of the average 13-14 year old, and with school starting, 13-14 year old girls need to be concentrating on their school work and cannot be out at this lady’s remotely located home helping out daily. Furthermore, if you’re saying the lady needs to hire someone she “knows and trusts”, then the average young teenager who is not part of her close family does not fall in that category. Girls that young are also minors and nowadays their parents usually don’t want them spending that much time in a stranger’s home.

But let me remind you that a car will literally get you nowhere. It will only exhaust you more and make you feel like you have to go places or join groups.

SaintPhilomena, do you live in some culture outside the USA? My mother was a SAHM of one small child in the 1960s and she had a car because quite honestly, she could not go to the grocery store, the pediatrician, etc without it. Like the OP she had no one handy to watch the toddler, and it’s pretty exhausting to walk pushing a small child about a half hour to the grocery store, buy whatever groceries you can carry, and walk back pushing the child and carrying the food, and then have to keep up the childcare duties and make dinner, do laundry etc. And do it all again in a day or two because you can’t shop up.

The OP has not just one, but two small children and is pregnant and lives in some remote area. Aside from the difficulty she would have just doing something simple like going out for groceries without a car, you seem to not want her to ever go out of the house because she might get some idea she would like to go someplace other than looking at her four indoor walls all day.

Your viewpoints are grossly unrealistic.

Ive seen kids swearing, practicing seances, talking about going on dates and pretending to execute eachother all in these city parks where you think what is going on?? I even heard a gangster boy say he was basically wanted to kill his own mother. This is crazy stuff and daycares are just orphanages at best.

Not only is your statement about orphanages preposterous, the rest of this whole section seems to have no relation to the topic at hand. Kids don’t end up wanting to kill their parent because they were placed in daycare.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

I think you need 3 to 4 hours of in home help a day. By someone you know and trust. Do NOT put your kids into the hands of witch strangers.

@Saintphilomena, is there a language issue here? Because some of the stuff you’ve been posting is really out there.