Stay at home parenting vs professional vocation

[vluvski]

Spin off from the female doctors thread.

As I stated before, I think all of these cases which do not put the woman at home with the children often involve varying degrees of misplaced priorities. I’ll put it this way:
As a woman, I feel morally obligated to stay at home with my kids if it is possible. I do my best not to judge other women who choose to maintain a career for one reason or another, but I remain skeptical that mothers who choose to (or are forced to) do so can be as effective in motherhood as they might have been if they were able/willing to be a full-time mom.

All of this falls into the bucket of discerning one’s vocation. IMO, a vocation is something God calls us to pour ourselves into fully. A woman cannot pour herself into motherhood and pour herself in being the best doctor for her patients. There are women who do a tremendous job balancing both, but it is still not the best situation.

To be totally honest, there are times I wish women were not able to pursue advanced degrees. Don’t get me wrong, I have an engineering degree that I’m very proud of, and I worked my toosh off for it. However, I earned my degree knowing I would give up my career as soon as my future husband and I started a family.
Certainly there are some women who are called to occupations other than motherhood. I am glad I am not having to make the decision of what to do with my children because my career is that important of a calling for me.

The fact of the matter is that women are just biologically wired for motherhood, and men are not naturally Mr. Mom. This is certainly a sacrifice on the part of both parents. Too many people use their professional skills or their desire for a comfortable lifestyle from 2 incomes as an excuse to abandon their children at daycare each day. I don’t doubt that they love their families, that they’re competent and an asset in the workplace, and that they work just as hard as anyone else when they get home, but I still think it is bad for the kids. It seems that research would tend to support my position.

All this reminds me of two country songs:
Only Monday, Mr. Mom and
Sure is nice to just be the woman with you.
Those probably aren’t really the titles, but if you know them, you know what I’m talking about.

 

[Karin]

No woman **IMHO **should have to nor do they always want to once they have kids give up a career.
A marriage is a joint venture so is parenthood…it is not one persons job to watch the kids and play susie homemaker…both people need to do their share once again my opinion.

 

[vluvski]

doing their share does not necessarily eliminate the need for or possibility of well-defined gender roles, which I strongly believe in.

 

[Karin]

vluvski:

doing their share does not necessarily eliminate the need for or possibility of well-defined gender roles, which I strongly believe in.

What are well defined gender roles??

 

[carol_marie]

Karin:

What are well defined gender roles??

The Dad goes off to work and the Mom’s job is to make a nice home for her children and family. Babies and toddlers aren’t being cared for by some minimum wage earner for 10 hours a day - they are being cared for by their Moms - the people they love most. Once children go to school I think it’s ok if the Mom gets a part time job but I think it’s important that she be home after school when the kids get home. No child wants to come home after a long day at school to an empty house. When the kids are teenagers it’s even more important for Mom to be home to supervise and provide much needed guidance. Being a wife and mother IS a full time job. When the Mom isn’t working 40 additional hours a week - commuting to & from work with all the pressures that a full time carrer involves - she has more time for God, her children, her husband and herself.

I can think of no greater vocation then being a good wife and mother.

 

[Karin]

carol marie:

The Dad goes off to work and the Mom’s job is to make a nice home for her children and family

Is this the 1940 or the year 2005? my husband can cook, clean do laundry grocery shop and change diapers…oh did I forget to mention that he DOES all of these things along with go off to work!!!
And you can bet that I am teaching my 14y/o to do all of these things also…and when his brother is old enough he will learn also
Being a good wife in my bok does not equate to being my husbands or childrens slave.

 

[carol_marie]

Karin:

Is this the 1940 or the year 2005? my husband can cook, clean do laundry grocery shop and change diapers…oh did I forget to mention that he DOES all of these things along with go off to work!!!
And you can bet that I am teaching my 14y/o to do all of these things also…and when his brother is old enough he will learn also
Being a good wife in my bok does not equate to being my husbands or childrens slave.

I am no one’s slave. Everything I do for my family is done because I love them and WANT to take care of them. My husband can do all that too… and he helps out quite a bit when he gets home from work but when he’s at work… it’s MY job. I wouldn’t want someone else looking after MY children. If I worked full time who would take care of my 3 year old? Who would be here when my other 3 kids got off the bus at 2:15 ?? Who would have a hot, home cooked meal on the table when my husband got home at 6 ?? Who would have all the laundry done & the house cleaned? Oh I suppose we could BOTH bust through the door at 6 o’clock after picking up the kids from their assorted “extended care programs” and throw something together… and then we could all kick it into high gear gettiing dinner on the table - chores done - homework done - baths - and I guess I could still read the kids a bedtime story which might count as “quality time.” And then my husband and I could both fall into bed exhausted ready to take on the next day… But what a crappy life? You’re telling me THAT life we’d find more enjoyable? More fufilling? No thanks.

I think families were MUCH more stable in the 1940’s. Divorce was rare and children were disciplied, supervised and loved. The stress level was MUCH lower - that’s for sure. Look around… people today are burned out - stressed out - can’t control their kids and don’t even really bother trying because they are just too exhausted from trying to keep up with their overflowing lives. They are miserable. The sale of prozac just to cope with life is through the roof… and don’t forget about little stressed out Aidan… he’s on Ritilin because he’s teacher can’t control him.

If the current American, 2-income, women in the workforce- kids in daycare families are better off today… I’d sure like to know how?

 

[Karin]

carol marie:

I am no one’s slave. Everything I do for my family is done because I love them and WANT to take care of them. My husband can do all that too… and he helps out quite a bit when he gets home from work but when he’s at work… it’s MY job. I wouldn’t want someone else looking after MY children. If I worked full time who would take care of my 3 year old? Who would be here when my other 3 kids got off the bus at 2:15 ?? Who have a hot, home cooked meal on the table when my husband got home at 6 ?? Who would have all the laundry done & the house cleaned? Oh I suppose we could BOTH bust through the door at 6 o’clock after picking up the kids from their assorted “extended care programs” and throw something together… and then we could all kick it into high gear gettiing dinner on the table - chores done - homework done - baths - and I guess I could still read the kids a bedtime story which might count as “quality time.” And then my husband and I could both fall into bed exhausted ready to take on the next day… But what a crappy life? You’re telling me THAT life we’d find more enjoyable? More fufilling? No thanks.

Sorry…your original post made it sound like you did everything domestic and your hubby did nothing but bring home a paycheck…(.that i have a problem with )

 

[migurl]

carol marie:

I am no one’s slave. Everything I do for my family is done because I love them and WANT to take care of them. My husband can do all that too… and he helps out quite a bit when he gets home from work but when he’s at work… it’s MY job. I wouldn’t want someone else looking after MY children. If I worked full time who would take care of my 3 year old? Who would be here when my other 3 kids got off the bus at 2:15 ?? Who would have a hot, home cooked meal on the table when my husband got home at 6 ?? Who would have all the laundry done & the house cleaned? Oh I suppose we could BOTH bust through the door at 6 o’clock after picking up the kids from their assorted “extended care programs” and throw something together… and then we could all kick it into high gear gettiing dinner on the table - chores done - homework done - baths - and I guess I could still read the kids a bedtime story which might count as “quality time.” And then my husband and I could both fall into bed exhausted ready to take on the next day… But what a crappy life? You’re telling me THAT life we’d find more enjoyable? More fufilling? No thanks.

I think families were MUCH more stable in the 1940’s. Divorce was rare and children were disciplied, supervised and loved. The stress level was MUCH lower - that’s for sure. Look around… people today are burned out - stressed out - can’t control their kids and don’t even really bother trying because they are just too exhausted from trying to keep up with their overflowing lives. They are miserable. The sale of prozac just to cope with life is through the roof… and don’t forget about little stressed out Aidan… he’s on Ritilin because he’s teacher can’t control him.

If the current American, 2-income, women in the workforce- kids in daycare families are better off today… I’d sure like to know how?

This may sound weird…but I love ya! These are my thoughts exactly, I was just too scared to say it. Wow. You are such a wonderful woman, God bless you and your lucky family! My mom and dad both work and it has been so hard on us kid, especially my brother and I who have to clean, cook and babysit., OUr parents come home and ask US what’s for dinner.

 

[rayne89]

Karin:

No woman **IMHO **should have to nor do they always want to once they have kids give up a career.
A marriage is a joint venture so is parenthood…it is not one persons job to watch the kids and play susie homemaker…both people need to do their share once again my opinion.

I agree with you completely!

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

****I think as parents, we have a moral obligation to give our children a full-time parent. In our house, mommy (me) stays home, but if that means dad stays home, while mom brings home the bacon - that’s great too.

---

As for gender roles… no offense… but what hewy!

---

It’s a myth that men didn’t help around the house 100 years ago or even a 1000 years ago or that women didn’t work outside the home earning money. It’s is a neccessity for a couple to work together for the good of the family. It’s not his jobs and her jobs. It’s OUR jobs. Those great-papaws changed a few diapers and did some dishes in their day. And their wives worked their fingers to the bone outside and inside the home too.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Karin:

No woman **IMHO **should have to nor do they always want to once they have kids give up a career.
A marriage is a joint venture so is parenthood…it is not one persons job to watch the kids and play susie homemaker…both people need to do their share once again my opinion.

IF you are saying that men and women need to divide up parenting and household responsibilities according to what works best for their family then I agree with you.

But, if you are saying that a woman and man should both have a full time career while some stranger (well-qualified or not) raises their children then I do not agree.

I think the point that most people miss is that** parents** need to raise their children. Not a daycare, not a nanny, not grandma…parents. It is your responsibility. I am speaking of parents that have a choice (which is the majority) not ones who absolutely have to work just to put food on the table.

Now, that may mean that dad is best suited to stay home while mom is the bread winner. Or that may mean that mom and dad work opposite shifts so one of them is caring for their children. Or it may mean that mom stays home and raises the children…whatever works best in their situation as long as they completely agree and no one is treated like a slave or maid.

Malia

 

[siamesecat]

Feanaro's Wife:

IF you are saying that men and women need to divide up parenting and household responsibilities according to what works best for their family then I agree with you.

But, if you are saying that a woman and man should both have a full time career while some stranger (well-qualified or not) raises their children then I do not agree.

I think the point that most people miss is that** parents** need to raise their children. Not a daycare, not a nanny, not grandma…parents. It is your responsibility. I am speaking of parents that have a choice (which is the majority) not ones who absolutely have to work just to put food on the table.

Now, that may mean that dad is best suited to stay home while mom is the bread winner. Or that may mean that mom and dad work opposite shifts so one of them is caring for their children. Or it may mean that mom stays home and raises the children…whatever works best in their situation as long as they completely agree and no one is treated like a slave or maid.

Malia

Totally agree. Kids shouldnt be shoved in daycare, but the woman shouldnt necessarily be the ones to stay at home, or opposing shifts is a good idea. If a woman is fulfilled by staying home, thats fine, my mom is. But if she chooses to work thats fine too, even if its a job during school hours or the dad stays home instead.

 

[rayne89]

Feanaro's Wife:

IF you are saying that men and women need to divide up parenting and household responsibilities according to what works best for their family then I agree with you.

But, if you are saying that a woman and man should both have a full time career while some stranger (well-qualified or not) raises their children then I do not agree.

I think the point that most people miss is that** parents** need to raise their children. Not a daycare, not a nanny, not grandma…parents. It is your responsibility. I am speaking of parents that have a choice (which is the majority) not ones who absolutely have to work just to put food on the table.

Now, that may mean that dad is best suited to stay home while mom is the bread winner. Or that may mean that mom and dad work opposite shifts so one of them is caring for their children. Or it may mean that mom stays home and raises the children…whatever works best in their situation as long as they completely agree and no one is treated like a slave or maid.

Malia

Well said, I agree.

 

[momof3boys]

I was raised for most of my childhood by a single mother. I know she would have like to have been able to stay home & take care of us. I really wished that she was able to do that, too.
Now that we’ve got 3 little ones to take care of, I want to be home for them. Sometimes I do feel like maybe I should get a job, to help out around here, but then I think about how important it is for me to be here.
I had to go right back to work with our second baby & I really hated it. I missed out on so much. I would not ever want to do that again.

 

[Celia]

I just want to mention that I’m sure no one meant this intentionally, but don’t bust on daycare people so much. They’re not just “minimum wage earners” actually, most of them went to school for early childhood education and make it their career. I have a friend that is earning her bachelor’s now, she has her asociates in ECE and is working at a daycare, and she *adores *those kids and would do anything for them. For parents that have to work, sometimes there are decent day cares. My MIL runs a family day care and she is excellent at her job and the kids absolutely love her, and so do the parents. There’s no substitute for a SAHM/D, but for those that can’t afford it, or really need to pursue their careers at that time, it’s not such a terrible thing.

That being said, I don’t have children but when I do I hope I will have the opportunity to stay home with them, at least until they are school age. If I can’t, I’m not going to feel gulity about it because I need to work to support my family. Both my parents worked and I turned out ok (I think so, anyway ). Of course, like I said, if we can afford it, I will stay home because I think that would be best for my family at the time, if we didn’t need the money…

Really, everyone’s situation is different and it’s hard to paint a wide brush about it.

 

[momof3boys]

I agree that there are good day care programs out there. I just really enjoyed being home with my youngest from the day he was born. I did have a wonderful daycare provider when I needed one.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Celia:

I just want to mention that I’m sure no one meant this intentionally, but don’t bust on daycare people so much.

The way I see it, there is no good way to tell if the people who care for your children (daycare, dayhome, nanny etc) are really doing their absolute best for your children.

The stories about kids being drugged with benadryl, being locked in the facility after hours and being abused should be enough to make any parent think twice when considering their options.

Unfortunately, something bad has to happen before parents take notice.

No matter how good a child care provider is or how much they adore my children, they do not LOVE them. There is no substitute in the world for parental LOVE.

I think that there should be only excellent child care provided for parents who must use it. We need stricter regualtions, ways to check up on them, and only people who really care about children should be hired.

Childcare should be a career choice, not just an in-between jobs/going to school/I’d like some extra money type of profession.

That being said, I pray that I am never in the situation where I could not parent my own children. That would be the ultimate parental torture IMO.

Malia

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Here is a letter from a listener of DrLaura:

drlaura.com/letters/index.html?mode=view&tile=1&id=10436

excerpt:

“…There is a poll on Americanbaby.com that asks what stay at home Moms feel most guilty about. I replied that I have nothing to feel guilty for, I feel blessed that I am able to care for my baby and how sad it is when people “dump” their babies into day care from 6 am to 7 Pm just so that they don’t need to be “bothered” and because they aren’t the “type” to care for their children…”

 

[Celia]

Feanaro's Wife:

The way I see it, there is no good way to tell if the people who care for your children (daycare, dayhome, nanny etc) are really doing their absolute best for your children.

The stories about kids being drugged with benadryl, being locked in the facility after hours and being abused should be enough to make any parent think twice when considering their options.

Unfortunately, something bad has to happen before parents take notice.

No matter how good a child care provider is or how much they adore my children, they do not LOVE them. There is no substitute in the world for parental LOVE.

I think that there should be only excellent child care provided for parents who must use it. We need stricter regualtions, ways to check up on them, and only people who really care about children should be hired.

Childcare should be a career choice, not just an in-between jobs/going to school/I’d like some extra money type of profession.

That being said, I pray that I am never in the situation where I could not parent my own children. That would be the ultimate parental torture IMO.

Malia

Yes… I agree with most of your post. I think that those child abusers, while it happens, are the rarity…Besides, my friend that worked at the Y downtown had to turn in some parents for abuse…the poor kids who were terrified when it was time to go home.
Like I said there is no sub for mom and dad. But the people I know that work in day care are very, very good at their job, and love what they do and feel they make a difference. It is why I considered child care as a vocation at one time.
Child care *is *a career choice for a lot of those workers, that was kind of the point of my post. They are not just lazy teenagers making $5.15 an hour. I’m sure there are a few of those out there, but take my MIL - she’s been doing this since '85. (Actually, she hardly makes any $ off of it, because she buys the kids lunches/diapers/toys when the parents don’t pay that week or “forget” to bring in the money for that days activity. She continues to do it because she loves her job.) My friend Anna with the ECE degree is working on being promoted to lead teacher in her tutoring program - she’s so excited. They are not going in between jobs, this is their job …she’s doing it because she loves children and feels that there is a need for her help and experience for parents who need it.
I’m feel my posts are a little off topic, I’m sorry for that, but I just wanted to pop in here with this little caveat against giving dc providers a bum rap. I do agree though, that you should stay with your own children if at all possible.