Stay in Relationship or Not?

[nikkib303]

This is long, I am Catholic, but lapsed and I know that we have been living in sin all this time. My question is, should I still try and salvage this relationship or not?

My BF and I have been together about five years. We have an 19 month old son together, and we were planning to get married May 24th. He has always been cheating on me I think, if I am totally honest with myself, and for years I would find suspicious texts, and emails, plus he was always super-protective of his phone. Last year, I found pics of him and someone else, with her daughter at a play area. We broke up, but he cried, begged and promised, and I took him back. Shortly after, we got engaged, as he was now so committed to our relationship. Last Wednesday, my mom called to say that he has been charging calls to a dating service to her phone. She knows it was him, because in an effort not to have so many disputed charges, they now record the calls, and she heard his message.

I still love him and this is my only chance to have a “real” family, no step-parents, visitation, etc. My parents don’t want me to be with him. In fact, my mom said she had prayed either for peace with our relationship, or a sign that it should end. Even so, we never really tried to fix our problems, with counseling or anything. I am just aching over this, and don’t know where to turn. My bf is also very upset, saying he planned to stop once we were married. Should we get counseling, try to fix this and continue with our plans for marriage. Or should it just be over?

 

[ibkc]

Take your sweet little toddler and run, run! He will not change. He’s promised you multiple times, and still has not made it happen. There are so many good men out there who will really love you and be faithful to you and not lie, and be an excellent role model for your son. Take care and good luck.

 

[gmarie21]

Live separately and work on a coparenting relationship. After a while you’ll realize while it isn’t the ideal situation it’s better than having to worry about other women coming before you or your son. My cousin had issues with her ex and with the courpt appointed visitation he saw his son more than when they were married. Your focus should be your child and when he talks (but doesn’t act) about wanting to work things out, change topic back to your son or hang up. You do not need to share your personal life with him and he doesn’t need to share his with you. Worry about him being as good of a father as the situation can allow. Believe me, I understand the heartbreak, but once you realize you CAN live a life without him and that you CAN coparent with him without being concerned about his personal life you truly will have started the growing process.

 

[Sina]

I think you CAN work it out but do you want to? I don’t think it will work unless you both go to counselling together. You also need to work things out with God. You have to stop living in sin until you are married ( if you decide to get married after all ).

Your fiancé doesn’t sound like a guy I would want to marry… and I totally understand your concern about being a family with your child, but this is the rest of your life you are talking about here… so unless you get some counselling, I don’t think things will improve in my opinion. I also realise counselling is easier said than done… You are in my prayers.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Let all the other women share him. You deserve better. So does your son.

 

[nikkib303]

I know, I just feel so hopeless right now. He is offering to go to counseling, both alone and together, to abide by any rules I set, etc. but again, I just don’t know how long that will last. And our son has medical issues, which I can’t imagine facing alone. But I guess I will have to, and hope that God has a different plan for me. And for him. The hardest thing is that he wants to come back, and I don’t know if I have the strength to keep saying no. And if I am honest, I am more worried about him than I am about myself. I pretty much paid all the bills and took care of him. And I should be furious that after all that he still cheated, but I feel nothing but sad.

 

[1ke]

He is a liar and he’s lieing to you now by telling you he will change or that he was “going to stop when you got married.”

Frankly that is a load of CR*P.

Don’t marry this man.

 

[dulcissima]

He is only willing to go to counseling as a way of keeping the status quo going. The status quo means you pay for everything and he does whatever he wants. My best advice for you is to go to individual counseling yourself. Don’t be afraid…there is a better life out there for you and your son, and you really don’t want your son to grow up thinking that this is the way for a husband to treat a wife, do you?

 

[KCT]

I think you’re the second person in less than a week with the same story -

Live w/ a guy, the guy is cheating, the guy makes promises to improve, he cheats again, girl takes him back again . . .

Please stop this foolishness. Break the cycle for your sake and you son’s. Is this what you want him to grow up seeing? That he can treat women this way?

 

[chevalier]

Dear Nikki, that is certainly not your last chance to have a normal family. To tell you the truth, it’s not even one - tha family you would have with a cheating man wouldn’t be normal anyway.

 

[childinarms]

You are receiving many “warning flags” but no one can force you to heed the warnings. God’s plan for Holy Matrimony is the subject of John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. I would suggest taking time out for you to first “be not afraid” and trust that God’s Plan for you is for your GOOD. True love, not “sinful love” is needed for a happy and holy marriage. Read up on Theology of the Body - there are many resources for this wonderful teaching. Pray, Pray, Pray. Our Blessed Mother will guide you and your child if you ask for Her help.

God bless you - you’re in my prayers.

 

[timotheos]

If you do get married in the church, in full knowledge of his faults, then you become committed to his salvation knowing full well how hard it will be. There is no turning back. Don’t kid yourself, unless you are ready, I mean really stone-cold-sober ready, for an entire life of pain and martyrdom, don’t do it. Marriage is a vocation, and can turn into the most brutal trial you could imagine. Don’t believe it? Read some of the posts in this forum.

Sorry if I painted too optimistic a picture. I didn’t want to dwell on the downside, like, the stress of a bad marriage causing you to lose faith in God’s love for you.

-Tim

 

[whatevergirl]

I think in a perfect world–I would tell you to of course, marry him–and everyone would live happily ever after, but with his track record, it would seem a better course to take would be to just coparent, as another poster suggested–and not marry him. I think, yes, people can make mistakes–and change. But, I just foresee a lifetime of problems if you marry this person. I would try not to let having a child with him, cloud your thinking as to marrying him. It is hard, I know, and I’m sorry you’re in this predictament. But-you and your son deserve better. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[nikkib303]

Tim-

I struggle with my faith a lot, as you can probably tell. One of the problems is that I thought maybe that he was a sort of penance for me, that God’s plan was for me to pay for everything we had done together. I though marrying him might make it better, but I guess not. I just thought if I could sacrifice in this life, I might make up for our sinfulness in the next. I really just need to start praying again, as I no longer no where or how to find God.

 

[dulcissima]

It doesn’t work like that Nikki. The best thing you can do for his soul is to let him experience the negative consequences of his self-centered actions. It is so much better for him to experience those consequences now, when there is still time to learn and repent, then it is to experience the eternal consequences of never putting anyone including God in front of you.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

This is long, I am Catholic, but lapsed and I know that we have been living in sin all this time.

Come back, God’s door is always open.

My question is, should I still try and salvage this relationship or not?

Not and I will show you why, you have already answered your own questions.

My BF and I have been together about five years. We have an 19 month old son together, and we were planning to get married May 24th.

Postpone the wedding. Going forward with plans for a wedding that you are unsure about will not help matters now.

He has always been cheating on me I think, if I am totally honest with myself, and for years I would find suspicious texts, and emails, plus he was always super-protective of his phone.

HUGE RED FLAG right here. If he has cheated before, what would stop him in the future? You think that because he said so that it would stop. :nope: You proved it yourself that he will not change this pattern of behavior.

Last year, I found pics of him and someone else, with her daughter at a play area.

FLAG

We broke up, but he cried, begged and promised, and I took him back.

Looking back, what were these promises? Did he keep them or not?

Shortly after, we got engaged, as he was now so committed to our relationship.

Committed how? FLAG see your comment below about him “stopping once you are married”

Last Wednesday, my mom called to say that he has been charging calls to a dating service to her phone. She knows it was him, because in an effort not to have so many disputed charges, they now record the calls, and she heard his message.

FLAG same pattern of behavior. This is cheating also. Even if he has not met anyone yet, his intention is still there? Why is he not happy with his “committed” relationship? Why does he not focus on you and his son?

I still love him and this is my only chance to have a “real” family, no step-parents, visitation, etc.

Time to put these “feelings” that you have towards this person aside for the betterment of your son. You are not losing yoru chance at a real family, but you son could be losing out on a lot more. A father that may eventually abandon him. There are plenty of good men out there that would love and respect you the way that you should be and will be the father to you son that he deserves.

My parents don’t want me to be with him. In fact, my mom said she had prayed either for peace with our relationship, or a sign that it should end.

Sometimes those outside of the situation that we are in will hold great wisdom.

Even so, we never really tried to fix our problems, with counseling or anything.

Counseling may help, but I am not sure that it will “save” this relationship. If you are living together, you need to move back with your parents and get some space to think and focus on your future and what is important. Will it be easy? Probably not, but it will be worth it. You have a son to focus on now.

I am just aching over this, and don’t know where to turn.

Turn your eyes to Jesus. Go to confession. Talk to a priest. Get back to the sacraments. Visiit Jesus in adoration. You need Him on your side, He will be your rock, your comfort, your support.

My bf is also very upset, saying he planned to stop once we were married.

If this “line” really works, let me know. You said above that once you were engaged he was commited to the relationship, obviously not. He planned to stop once you were married? Stop what? Stop cheating on you? Stop disrespecting you? Stop disregarding his son? FLAG His behavior, he does not realize, is not a light switch that can just be turned on and off. Of all that you have written this is one of the most telling parts.

Should we get counseling, try to fix this and continue with our plans for marriage. Or should it just be over?

Stop the plans for marriage immediately. Time to start doing some serious soul searching and communicating. Personally, I feel that it is time for you to move forward for the sake of your son and for yourself. Do you want to live a lie, or live in the truth?

 

[kevinsgirl]

My bf is also very upset, saying he planned to stop once we were married.

This won’t happen, girl. You deserve a husband who is faithful…and this guy isn’t.

 

[Belle10]

I know, I just feel so hopeless right now. He is offering to go to counseling, both alone and together, to abide by any rules I set, etc. but again, I just don’t know how long that will last.

Marriage isn’t about “abiding by rules” one spouse “sets” for the other, it’s about mutual respect and love for the other person.

And our son has medical issues, which I can’t imagine facing alone. But I guess I will have to, and hope that God has a different plan for me.

You don’t know that you’ll be alone – God may have a wonderful, loving man waiting for you down the road, someone who understands what marriage and being a father is supposed to be and who will be a husband and a father, not a cheater and a liar. Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes that’s what people need to hear.

Also, you’re not alone: you have parents who are concerned for you and who, I’m sure, love their grandson so much! I’m sure they will help you with your son’s medical issues, right?

And if I am honest, I am more worried about him than I am about myself. I pretty much paid all the bills and took care of him. And I should be furious that after all that he still cheated, but I feel nothing but sad.

If you don’t respect yourself, how can you provide for and teach your son what is right? Marriage cannot be one person constantly carrying the other: both need to be strong and secure in who they are so that they can help the other one when weakness, sadness, etc. comes. This man does not love you, he’s using you to pay bills, take care of him, do what HE wants, but he does not love you. :nope:

Nikki, so many people in this thread have given you so much good advice – please take it. Come back to church, go to confession and Mass, spend time adoring Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Jesus loves you and doesn’t want you being treated this way. I’ll offer a prayer for you and your son right now. God bless. :hug1:

 

[StratusRose]

My bf is also very upset, saying he planned to stop once we were married.

That’s a load of you know what. What makes him think that a ring on his finger will prevent him from running around on you?

This relationship is very badly damaged. Don’t make it worse by making is permanent.

God is not punishing you for your sins. What you are experiencing is the consequences sin that He did not intend for our lives. He wants us to be content and joyful. Do you feel this way with your fiance?

 

[nikkib303]

Thank you all for your support. You are right, I knew all along that I needed to end the relationship, I just wanted someone to tell me to stay. He has moved out of our home to his parents house, and is looking for an apartment near us so that he can still be close to our son. I have cancelled all of our wedding plans, and although we lost a lot of money in deposits, I know that it was all for the best. Now, I just need to get back to God, so that I can get it right next time, and never have to feel this way again.

Thanks again, it is funny how strangers online can sometimes offer the support that I just couldn’t take from my own family.