Stay or go

[hopefulldad]

Some of you have read my previous post. In short, been married 23 years. We have struggled through many family problems, but almost 5 years ago 2 of my daughters accused me (falsely) of having fondled them. Our family problems went from run of the mill to extreme.

After 5 years of struggling with this, and 10’s of thousands spent on counseling, wife finally decided she believes their story and wants a divorce. that was in August.

Well, I decided that I would not leave, and the laws are such that wife can not force me out unless there is evidence of abuse or threat thereof, which there is not.

I agreed that I would leave if and when we could agree on a separation agreement to handle custody, finances etc. Well, she has proposed nothing yet.

Last week she mentions the possibility of staying together for the sake of the children, but emphatically stated her belief in the allegations and that I would have to accommodate her fears and let her make all parenting decisions for the two who made them, agree to stay out of rooms when they are home etc. etc.

My question is this. Is it even remotely possible to have a marriage and family under these conditions. I can not for myself imagine ever being close to someone who harbors such thoughts about me, even if I can see some of the reasons she might have come to such a belief. I feel a need to be respected, and there just is nothing lower than a child molester - except of course, and unrepentant child molester. And can she ever be close to me while holding such beliefs?

In a way I respect her slight willingness to try, but is there any point. Is the situation so sick that I should just leave and start a new life. The tensions here are extreme, and I don’t know if any good is coming to the younger children because of those tensions.

 

[Eucharisted]

The Church dose not believe in divorce. The Church dose, however, believe in forgiveness and charity. They heal the family.

 

[puzzleannie]

the church does allow divorce if it is necessary to separate in order to protect the spouse or children, and if divorce is the only way in civil law to protect their rights and interests. The next obvious step is pastoral counselling, retrouville.

OP asks if it is possible to maintain a family life in such a situation. I find it hard to believe that if a woman was convinced the abuse happened she would keep the children and alleged abuser together, especially on an excuse such as “for the sake of the children” which leads me to wonder if there are many more issues she has that should be raised and worked on. Hope God leads your family to find their way through this.

 

[hopefulldad]

I have asked her that myself. If she does divorce me, then the court will give me some custody/visitation. Since the allegations were investigated and dropped, they will probably treat me like any other father wanting to be involved with his children. During times of custody she would not have any say or even be able to know or see what I am doing with them, so that doesn’t seem protective of them at all.

She leaves me alone with two younger daughters on almost a daily basis with apparently no reservations. If I believed she were a molester, no way would I do that. I don’t quite get her reasoning.

Yeah there were lots of other issues, and we have done retouvaille, pastoral counseling, individual and marital therapy etc. etc. etc.

 

[Trishie]

Her behaviour doesn’t seem to add up, in allowing you to reamin unsupervised with the girls despite her accusations. It may be that she relishes the power that ‘believing’ in the allegations give her though you have been cleared.

Holy Spirit please be in, and take charge, of this family situation.

 

[Philotheatoo]

Stay together and pray together. Some of our marital issues don’t have to be visited every day or even every week. A little time sometimes gives us a new perspective. Hate the sin and love the sinner. If what you say is true, your daughters need help and their mother should no more be judged than you.

 

[yellowbird]

Is it possible that your daughters might falsely accuse you again? If so, I wouldn’t be alone with them. Why go through that again?

I would not want to live like you’ve described. I would rather live alone rather than have all of that stress in my life. In time, if the relationships were repaired, I would consider going back.