Staying chaste but not sending the wrong message

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OK - So I decided I am going through with the divorce and then the anullment. I had a conversation with a male friend about him and I going for coffee after I returned to living with my parents as he has also moved out of the area- he is very practicing Catholic - he knows the situation - I am 95% sure we were both speaking about a friendly cup of coffee. I did send him a message back to qualify it. It does beg the question though.

As I go through this divorce and then the anullment (if it ever goes through - which to be point blank honest it most likely will as there was a lie about psychological conditions prior to marriage) how do I develop friendships - not the dating type - but healthy friendships with men without tripping over myself to explain that I don’t have an anullment.

also, please keep in mind that my husband was abusive and I did not have friendships with men that were not monitored by him for years. This is something I need to do for me. I am being careful to avoid scandal.

thank you and God bless and thank you all for your prayers.
 
You ask a great question. It’s tough maintaining/beginning friendships in a time like this. You need them badly though.

Use this as a time to be yourself-find out your hobbies, passions, all that jazz.

The best thing you can do is tell your friends, “Look, I’ll be messed up for a bit. Just allow me to cry, scream, chuck rocks (not at them 😉 ) or just be quiet around you guys”. That’ll help.

As to the “scandal” issue-don’t over analyze things. In a public place, it’s perfectly fine.
 
Having recently been in that situation myself, for the near future, I would avoid spending very much time with any men, single or otherwise. You are very vulnerable right now. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist and being sociable with other women or people in groups.

Right now I wouldn’t even bring up the not having an annulment thing, because it only implies that you could be interested. Hopefully this guy, or any others that you meet, will understand that they should not be your main source of friendship or emotional support right now.
 
Thank you rascal - I certainly don’t want to turn into one of those overscrupolous people that is scared to spend time with anyone of the opposite sex unless my father is sitting there with a shotgun. 😛 However that being said I don’t want to send the wrong message either. I am in a position where the Eucharist is the most important thing in my life and I can use this time to be an example for others that are struggling as well.
 
Hi Joan,

I’ve said a prayer for you. I have just come out of almost 2 years of what you are just starting to go through. I’ve just received my annulment this summer.

I echo Dulcissima’s advice. Be careful about spending time with any one man.

Early in my separation, I had a (female) friend who told me that I should not even go for a coffee with a man until my marriage was declared invalid because there’s always the potential for it to lead to something. At the time I thought she was crazy! Prior to my marriage, I had always had male friends (not during my marriage, ex is a narcissist) so I figured it would be no problem. Unfortunately, the men who either asked me for coffee or other seemingly innocent things either wanted to date me, or ended up wanting to date me… and in one isntance I was completely oblivious because I thought he was “safe”.

This may not happen with you. I do believe that men and women CAN be friends, but spending time with a man will increase the chances of you finding yourself in an awkward situation. For me, it was better to simply stay close to my female friends and not get too close to any man.

God Bless.
 
Joan, what you’re going through must be just terrible. I’m so sorry for your troubles.

One thing you’re certain you don’t want is to make things worse, which is what could happen if a friendship with a man should turn romantic. The plain fact is, unless and until your marriage is declared null, you remain a married woman and should behave as such. It is never a good idea to anticipate what the marriage tribunal will do, no matter how clear cut things may appear.

The safest course of action, then, would be to avoid any interaction that even remotely resembles a date. Jesus in the Eucharist will more than make up for any companionship you might miss by your honorable behavior.

Then, if your marriage is indeed declared null, you will be able to pursue friendships or romance with a completely clear conscience and no regrets. I wish that for you.

Betsy
 
dulcissima said:
Having recently been in that situation myself, for the near future, I would avoid spending very much time with any men, single or otherwise. You are very vulnerable right now. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist and being sociable with other women or people in groups.

Right now I wouldn’t even bring up the not having an annulment thing, because it only implies that you could be interested. Hopefully this guy, or any others that you meet, will understand that they should not be your main source of friendship or emotional support right now.
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Yes yes yes. Couldn’t agree more. If I would have heard advice like this 2 years ago and taken it to heart it would have saved A LOT of trouble, mental and emotional energy. Hindsight, you know…

Prayers for you, joandarc2008.
 
I just want to thank you all so much - because this is rough - I feel like saying live as if I were married is rough because I have been so cut off while I was married. I already have some of my old Army friends coming out of the woodwork because now they feel like it is safe to. It is tough to feel things out.
 
I have always thought “live as if you were married” was way too harsh a burden to heap upon someone who is going through the process of having their heart ripped out and their world crushed.

What I say is be cautious and don’t do things that will get you entangled in new problems that you are nowhere ready to handle.
 
dulcissima said:
I have always thought “live as if you were married” was way too harsh a burden to heap upon someone who is going through the process of having their heart ripped out and their world crushed.

.
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You summed it up quite well, a bit blunt, but quite well.

I have some great friends who are female. Some married, some not. If anyone told me not to go out to lunch or something with them, I’d just turn my back and laugh at them.
 
dulcissima said:
I have always thought “live as if you were married” was way too harsh a burden to heap upon someone who is going through the process of having their heart ripped out and their world crushed.

What I say is be cautious and don’t do things that will get you entangled in new problems that you are nowhere ready to handle.
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I like this i think this is probably the best way to put it yet.
 
dulcissima said:
Having recently been in that situation myself, for the near future, I would avoid spending very much time with any men, single or otherwise. You are very vulnerable right now. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist and being sociable with other women or people in groups.

Right now I wouldn’t even bring up the not having an annulment thing, because it only implies that you could be interested. Hopefully this guy, or any others that you meet, will understand that they should not be your main source of friendship or emotional support right now.
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I agree with this. I have been in your situation too coming out of a 6 year marriage with a bipolar/drug addict abusive man. I realize that I was vulnerable and I needed to work on my own self. Seek therapy, work on your self esteem and get together with women that have been through something similar as emotional support.
 
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