Staying friends after things don't work out?

[chevalier]

I could not possibly DISAGREE with you more. It’s a sign of selfishness, immaturity, a worldly value system, and an inability to move on with their lives.

Disagree. What you say is only true if an ambiguous situation persists.

but then NEVER SPEAK AGAIN. No email, no myspace, no phone conversations. Nothing! Make a clean break. Sever all ties.

May be healthy with new people, but not necessarily with previous friends.

Why? God has prepared ONE special person for us.

Proof, please.

When we meet that person, our hearts should be 100% free to love that person all the way.

When we marry someone, yes. Doesn’t mean the person was preordained for us.

We shouldn’t enter with baggage, and yes ladies, ex-boyfriends who are still part of your life constitute BAGGAGE in the eyes of the new man you meet.

Agreed if they fall under a broad “ex” category like in films or among worldly modern youngsters. If they revert to friends, it’s different. Exes who are talked to because they are exes, with the person needing to talk to former lovers every now and then, that’s not quite healthy. However, I understand a certain notion to make sure they’re happy.

Why do people stay in touch with exes? Some may have fooled themselves to believe otherwise, but the biggest reason is to keep the possibility open of maybe getting back together with that person someday. That mentality shows a lack of willingness to FULLY give their hearts to the one that they are currently with.

Yup… so long as we’re talking about the modern value system aforementioned. I have issues with it, as it basically uses a roster on which people are with variable positions.

I’ve seen far too many marriages destroyed and families torn apart because either the husband or the wife stayed in touch with an ex, and during a time of what may have been a comparatively minor marital spat, that ex suddenly started looking REALLY attractive, and was more than willing to jump on in and selfishly ruin the lives of the children of that marriage, and possibly the children of the ex’s marriage, too.

I would say that’s an example of contact with an “ex” rather than a friend who used to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. Friends don’t jump in and ruin your marriage. Naturally, in order to stay friends one needs to have been friends before.

It is not a matter of “depends on the person.” It is not a matter of, “depends on how serious the relationship was,” especially since often exes have a very different perspective as to how serious the relationship was. It is a simple matter of, are you willing to give your FULL heart to the one that God has chosen for you, or are you so insecure in your new relationship or marriage that you need that security blanket of an ex in your life?

Yup, here I agree. I don’t support without reservation the idea that one should absolutely sever ties in case of even long-before friends, however, or that some brief dating-related misunderstanding is an obstacle to friendship.

The entire concept of dating is a relatively new phenomenon, that has its origins in courting. It has become such a regular part of our culture, that we don’t bother to take a step back and look at whether it is actually beneficial to our society. The entire concept(although not deemed “sinful,” by the Church) is still intrinsically flawed.

Yes!

ALL romantic relationships need to be entered into with the attitude of marriage as the goal.

YES! That is so often lost these times. Dating for fun, dating for finding out what one likes… and no, I don’t mean going out to the cinema or a dancing or such, I mean the “dating relationship” kind of dating, with a full-blown mushy part.

Once you realize that the person you are involved with is not “the one,” then you need to RESPECTFULLY end all ties completely with that person.

Not sure, as I said, although it may be for the best in most cases. Certainly, it may be better to agree to cut ties rather than taking the pain of keeping some contact that doesn’t give anyone joy and fosters false hopes.

If you honestly believe that you are “just friends” with an ex, and that the ex feels the same way, then you have deceived yourself. Even if you may feel, “fine,” with it, don’t pretend to know what your ex is truly feeling.

Wouldn’t be so sure of that. The fire burns out without fuel. After some time, especially if the relationship didn’t take any decided physical expression, the feelings shouldn’t really be that much of a problem. Still, misunderstandings need to be avoided and there’s no room for “exes” as a separate, upgraded category of friends.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Did you get this advice from a teeny bopper magazine??? Again, I could not possibly DISAGREE with you more. That is the type of thinking that leads to poor choices of who to become romantically involved with.

No, Mr. Lawrence. I got that advice from the school of hard knocks. Specifically, a hand across my face from the kind of man who you think would be an excellent choice of spouse. Because he ended his relationships with all of his exes and never spoke to them again and announced to me that no woman should ever have any exes around either. And now I am on the list of exes that he has no cordial contact with. But it makes it hard because I’m actually the mother of his three children. And I have more than a few friends who have seen the same pattern in their adult lives.

On the other hand, I have a sister who dated a nice guy a few times, but it didn’t work out. And after they broke up, he was among a group of friends who drove from another state and helped her move boxes when she moved into her townhouse. Because they were adults, mature, and capable of compassion and the love of God. And when he married someone else and had some children, she sent gifts and prayed for his sick baby.

Because that’s what Jesus would do. Not throw a person away like garbage and have them on the human trash pile of his failed relationships like emotional untouchables.

Again, I repeat. The kind of person who cannot move on without being hateful, unforgiving, unkind and emotionally destructive is to be avoided.

No one is saying eat dinner with an ex, but beware of people who break up and all their exes are on the trash heap.

And that didn’t come from a teeny bopper magazine. I won’t get into an argument with you, Mr. Lawrence. You seem to like to fight on this board and your conversations become disagreeable to the point that the moderators have to lock them. My advice is for others, not you. You do what you want. No one can convince you anyways.

 

[mamacita]

**If it is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? I would say yes, friendship is possible after a break-up. Been there, done that. Remained friends for about 5 years after the break-up until my DH came along and said ‘no way’…that’s when the friendship ended. I looked to the ex though like a brother, could tell him anything and he the same w/ me. So it was hard losing that friendship but I have moved on to bigger and better things since.

Is it possible?? Yes, you just have to be willing to see the ex w/ someone else **

 

[Katie1723]

Exes are that for a reason. Put them in the past and leave them there.
Kathy

 

[ack]

I consider it to be a non-negotiable REQUIREMENT that anyone who expects to get romantically involved with me has severed all ties with all exes.

Whoa, there are some non-negotiable requirements that I agree with…like only marrying faithful Catholics, and avoiding women who can’t form healthy relationships. But you would really take something like this and make it into an ironclad requirement…not just a mere preference, but a NON-NEGOTIABLE REQUIREMENT?

A few days ago, you started a thread where you seemed to blame women (who marry non-Catholics) for your inability to find a suitable wife. Now I’m wondering if it’s because you have too many “non-negotiable requirements” and there are no women left who can fit them all.

 

[estesbob]

Exes are that for a reason. Put them in the past and leave them there.
Kathy

Its easy for me-all my exes are in texas…

 

[FrankLawrence]

No, Mr. Lawrence. I got that advice from the school of hard knocks. Specifically, a hand across my face from the kind of man who you think would be an excellent choice of spouse. Because he ended his relationships with all of his exes and never spoke to them again and announced to me that no woman should ever have any exes around either. And now I am on the list of exes that he has no cordial contact with. But it makes it hard because I’m actually the mother of his three children. And I have more than a few friends who have seen the same pattern in their adult lives.

Because that’s what Jesus would do. Not throw a person away like garbage and have them on the human trash pile of his failed relationships like emotional untouchables.

Again, I repeat. The kind of person who cannot move on without being hateful, unforgiving, unkind and emotionally destructive is to be avoided.

No one is saying eat dinner with an ex, but beware of people who break up and all their exes are on the trash heap.

And that didn’t come from a teeny bopper magazine. I won’t get into an argument with you, Mr. Lawrence. You seem to like to fight on this board and your conversations become disagreeable to the point that the moderators have to lock them. My advice is for others, not you. You do what you want. No one can convince you anyways.

You made a sweeping generalization based on your ex-husband, who I’d imagine was not the least bit Catholic. By no means am I suggesting that his behavior was in any way acceptable. At the same time, however, you are taking one specific character trait of his, and making a black and white statement that all men who posess that trait have the same mindset as him, and are therefore to be avoided. The problem is, you launched an attack on all single men who are willing to make that sacrifice TODAY, to be fully devoted to their future wives, who they may not have even met yet. You gave BAD DATING ADVICE, of the ilk of a teeny bopper magazine. Obviously, some of us are going to take extreme exception to that, since you essentially suggested that we should be avoided, BECAUSE of our devotion to our future wives, and our ability to move on in life. You took admirable personality traits, and twisted them into something bad. Then, you went on to launch an unfounded personal attack against me that had absolutely nothing to do with this thread. (For the record, the only one of my threads that was closed was closed at MY request, due to the uncharitable and unwarranted responses that I received on it, combined with the fact that I realized that my original premise was not the epidemic problem that I initially perceived it to be.) I do not like to fight on these message boards. Ideally, I’d like to agree with everyone. But, when someone comes here seeking advice, seeking genuine Catholic counsel, and someone gives them bad advice of a worldly ilk, I’m not going to commit a sin of omission by being silent.

 

[FrankLawrence]

Whoa, there are some non-negotiable requirements that I agree with…like only marrying faithful Catholics, and avoiding women who can’t form healthy relationships. But you would really take something like this and make it into an ironclad requirement…not just a mere preference, but a NON-NEGOTIABLE REQUIREMENT?

A few days ago, you started a thread where you seemed to blame women (who marry non-Catholics) for your inability to find a suitable wife. Now I’m wondering if it’s because you have too many “non-negotiable requirements” and there are no women left who can fit them all.

Well, even though this should be a different thread, really, I have seven non-negotiable requirements. I’ll list them here, and see what the community says(although I need to warn the community ahead of time that I am NOT willing to budge in the least on any of these seven.)

1. She must be a devout Catholic who knows her faith, not a mere nominal Catholic, or a non-Catholic.
2. She must be commitment(marriage) oriented, not one of those worldly types who think that “casual dating” is acceptable.
3. She can not ever have been married before.
4. She can not presently have any kids. (Whether we will have kids after being married, and how many is negotiable, but the words, “You’re not my REAL father,” will NEVER be spoken to me by a child of my wife.)
5. She can’t smoke. (I can’t stand the smell or the air quality.)
6. She must completely reject secular rap music and the entire culture surrounding it. (A woman who thinks that music that glamourizes womanizers is even remotely acceptable will lack the ability to truly appreciate a REAL man.)
7. She can not be in touch with any of her exes. (I am your man, and you shall not have other men besides me. “We’re just friends,” doesn’t fly with me. If I’m going to give her all of my heart, I expect the same in return, and there is absolutely NOTHING that any woman can tell me that would convince me that she’s giving me all of her heart if she feels the need to keep an ex in her life.)

 

[FrankLawrence]

Exes are that for a reason. Put them in the past and leave them there.
Kathy

I agree totally!

 

[sanctamaria17]

I have moved on with my life. I still talk to mine because we have had too much history (in the way of friendship) to simply write each other off simply because romance just wasn’t meant for us (as a couple). Also, our families are extremely close, his considers me an adopted daughter while mine welcomes him with open arms. How could we not stay friends?

Sure, I don’t call him anymore, I’m kind of grateful we have a huge distance between us now, but I do talk to him and ask him how things are going. I just do exactly what we did when we were just friends, I talk to him online and don’t actively seek him out. If he gets a new girlfriend, I would be happy for him and if I got a new boyfriend, I hope he’d be the same way.

 

[maria29]

Its easy for me-all my exes are in texas…

Do they have ocean front property in Arizona too? Seriously, I love your posts…

especially the ones about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! (buts that another thread!)

 

[maria29]

Well, even though this should be a different thread, really, I have seven non-negotiable requirements. I’ll list them here, and see what the community says(although I need to warn the community ahead of time that I am NOT willing to budge in the least on any of these seven.)

1. She must be a devout Catholic who knows her faith, not a mere nominal Catholic, or a non-Catholic.
2. She must be commitment(marriage) oriented, not one of those worldly types who think that “casual dating” is acceptable.
3. She can not ever have been married before.
4. She can not presently have any kids. (Whether we will have kids after being married, and how many is negotiable, but the words, “You’re not my REAL father,” will NEVER be spoken to me by a child of my wife.)
5. She can’t smoke. (I can’t stand the smell or the air quality.)
6. She must completely reject secular rap music and the entire culture surrounding it. (A woman who thinks that music that glamourizes womanizers is even remotely acceptable will lack the ability to truly appreciate a REAL man.)
7. She can not be in touch with any of her exes. (I am your man, and you shall not have other men besides me. “We’re just friends,” doesn’t fly with me. If I’m going to give her all of my heart, I expect the same in return, and there is absolutely NOTHING that any woman can tell me that would convince me that she’s giving me all of her heart if she feels the need to keep an ex in her life.)

So what happens if you happen to adopt children? Or is that not a possibility because they wouldn’t be biologically yours?

 

[chevalier]

1. She must be a devout Catholic who knows her faith, not a mere nominal Catholic, or a non-Catholic.

That’s understandable.

1. She must be commitment(marriage) oriented, not one of those worldly types who think that “casual dating” is acceptable.

You mean romantic dating or even a mere get-to-know without any kissing, holding hands, sweet talk and such?

1. She can not ever have been married before.

Validly, as in she can’t be a divorcee, or do you include widows and ladies with a null marriage in the past?

1. She can not presently have any kids. (Whether we will have kids after being married, and how many is negotiable, but the words, “You’re not my REAL father,” will NEVER be spoken to me by a child of my wife.)

I’d like to let you know that whether you will have children is not negotiable if the marriage is valid. Exclusion of offspring is a ground of invalidity.

1. She must completely reject secular rap music and the entire culture surrounding it. (A woman who thinks that music that glamourizes womanizers is even remotely acceptable will lack the ability to truly appreciate a REAL man.)

I dislike rap myself, but I can’t find the instant connection you talk about. Besides… there are so many ill aspects of the modern culture. Why just rap? I could come up with a host of things you certainly wouldn’t accept (or I), but you thought of rap first.

 

[mfaustina]

It’s funny, there’s this guy at church who I would have loved to date, but it just didn’t happen. We’re not exes–we didn’t go on a single date!–but I’ve definitely felt a similar vibe the last couple of times we’ve been in the same room.

I’d still love to be just plain old friends with the guy. If he gave me half a chance, he’d see that we have so much in common! I must admit that a seed of that old attraction still lingers, but I am reasonably certain it’s not going to be given the opportunity to blossom.

I’ve never tried to stay friends with any of my real exes. One of them went so far as to track down my sister to try to get me to return his phone calls! (Take a hint, buddy!) He mentioned switching political parties in one of his messages, but NEVER spoke of his wife or baby girl!

In my experience, once you’ve formally “crossed the line,” there’s no going back.

 

[MCH]

Personally I’d say no, it doesn’t work to keep contact.

 

[housewife]

I had two before my DH and I don’t speak to the two. I just never saw them again. If I ever did see them, I don’t think I would talk to them. The first one lasted about a couple of weeks, for which we never even saw each other. The second one lasted almost 3 years. I don’t think I want to “be friends” with them. Maybe if I see them I might just say a nice hello and that’s it and all out of respect for my DH.

 

[THutch04]

It can work out as friends. My first ex is probably one of my closest friends. We had a friendship long before we even started dating, and we just realized that we were too young and not meant to be together. Most of the others I just had no desire to talk to after we broke up. We just didn’t have a really strong friendship in the first place that was worth holding onto when our relationship as a couple didn’t work. There are some that will still ask me how I’m doing occasionally, but that’s the extent our our relationship with each other. None of us go out of our way to contact the other. The most recent ex for many reasons is just a different situation from the previous relationships I had, and we still do care about each other greatly.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Yeah, mine wasn’t a terrible breakup either. We just realized that distance was too much and religious difference did take a toll on us. We also knew that college was going to be different from HS and we wanted to give each other that chance to meet other people. It was difficult at first and I did shed some tears. But he told me he hoped to still have me as a friend and I wasn’t going to wipe out years of friendship simply because we found that romance doesn’t work for us.

 

[beckers]

You have exes?

Yes. But they didn’t work out, hence they were not introduced to the family.

 

[beckers]

Do they have ocean front property in Arizona too? Seriously, I love your posts…

especially the ones about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! (buts that another thread!)

don’t egg him on! PLEASE!!!