Staying in Parent´s house versus healthy marriage

[MaryT777]

This was my first thought. I would not enter a marriage in this situation where one is EXPECTED to stay withe in-laws because of their financial difficulties. I personally would tell fiancee that I am not ready to start married life in an IN LAWS house with little privacy.

Just my thought. I would never do the proposed living situation.

 

[Xantippe]

What I really fear is that he does this because I said him to do, even if he see the situation is not healthy. On the other side, I understand him when he says that it´s unfair how I act- when he says he will leave, I am not content, when he says he stays, I will go. Not really a win-win situation, I hoped he will grow and feel more free to decide things when we are allone… He´s in no way unsupportive, but I don´t know how to deal with the fact that he is probably not as independent as I wish.

The important thing is not what he feels but what he does.

I know you are really busy right now, but this is an emergency. I think you need to do some research on in-laws and boundaries and have a couple of long talks with your fiance where you talk through various situations and what your boundaries with his family are going to be. Don’t get married if he can’t learn the “right” answers. (I wouldn’t expect him to know the right answers out of the blue, but he should be able to get them pretty quickly, especially the longer you talk about this.)

Also, long-term, moving away will be your best bet. I have in-laws who had some very interesting behavior when we were engaged and newlyweds, but it hasn’t mattered a whole lot, because we live so far away. Our relationship is much better now, but early on, there were a lot of boundary problems.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

This isn’t perfect, but there is some food for thought here:

http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh/

 

[alice24]

Thank you so much for all the advise.
I tried to contact a local counseling service which is free and organised by the church to get a talk with him. I fear he will search excuses when I am the only one speaking against so many people. He fears I leave, and he is right, but I don´t want to and I hope this call for help will show him that I´m interested in a good marriage, not in ending it now because of reasons he don´t fully get.

 

[Xantippe]

I tried to contact a local counseling service which is free and organised by the church to get a talk with him. I fear he will search excuses when I am the only one speaking against so many people. He fears I leave, and he is right, but I don´t want to and I hope this call for help will show him that I´m interested in a good marriage, not in ending it now because of reasons he don´t fully get.

The counseling is a very good idea.

I hope that you are able to salvage your relationship, but if you can’t come to terms with the problem of his family, you will be saving yourself a lot of suffering if you break your engagement.

 

[alice24]

Ok, we talked. Much, first emotional, later rational, at least serious. I said break up would be the consequence if nothing change.
We decided to move in the east after this semester, which means spring/summer. We need the time for searching a flat and work there, so it´s ok to spend this time at his parent´s house. He is ok with moving out, no matter if we find our wished education place directly, he is ok with “doing it no matter what”.
He wants to give his father financial support IF we have money over, only if, in the size of aprox. half of the rent we would pay for the house, which is ok for me. On the other hand, we agreed in not taking any loans or responsibilities in a financial way for the house.
MIL gets palitative care in their house on a regular basis, her sister also comes one time per week to help with laundry, food and choir work. So, she will not suffer physically when we leave. I offered my fiancé the option to spare some money for a monthly train ticket so he /we can visit her often and he can visit her and help with major work as making wood etc. - or simply when he wants to see her. He was very happy with this, and said on his own that he would enjoy it to leave and in this case, he would not feel as he left her when she is sick.
We decided also to not let this become a point of discussion with the family, we will write our letters of motivation for the new cities we think are ok and talk with them after, dealing with it as a fact.
I started to give myself a sign mentally if I watch me talking to him like his mother not like his future wife, as I see I started to play “the old family game” and taking to much responsibility on my own.

I want to say that I am really thankful for the advice here on CAF, especially of so active and well informed users as you and a few others are. You gave me serious help more than once, thank you

 

[1ke]

I fear he will search excuses when I am the only one speaking against so many people.

This is what he clearly doesn’t understand. As his wife you come first. He isn’t willing or able to put you and your marriage first. You are the one whose opinion should matter. That is why I say he isn’t ready for marriage.

 

[1ke]

This is a positive sign.

 

[Xantippe]

Alice,

That all sounds very good.

The only thing I would add is your fiance making it clear to his dad that he is not going to continue financial support indefinitely. He’ll help when he can, but the day is very likely to come when you will have children of your own to take care of. You don’t need to have that conversation yet–but the two of you need to have an understanding.

 

[alice24]

The only thing I would add is your fiance making it clear to his dad that he is not going to continue financial support indefinitely. He’ll help when he can, but the day is very likely to come when you will have children of your own to take care of.

We talked about this. We both agreed that we won´t give financial support in any cases, only if there´s enough left for us plus - if possible - some money to spare for emergencies as sickness, damaged wasching maschines and whatever,not to mention children.

 

[Xantippe]

Two more points:

–In case it wasn’t clear already, he should be the person having any uncomfortable talks with his family. They will forgive him disagreements, but it’s harder to forgive an in-law.
–The wife not mother stuff is important. As much as possible, you should reach decisions together and both of you believe in the decision and each other, not one of you imposing decisions on the other.

 

[alice24]

I fear he will search excuses when I am the only one speaking against so many people.

This is what he clearly doesn’t understand. As his wife you come first. He isn’t willing or able to put you and your marriage first. You are the one whose opinion should matter. That is why I say he isn’t ready for marriage.

I agree that all his stuff is serious, so I talked openly of breaking up. I was a bit ashamed after that I had no shy to do that while I´m loving him really, but then I realized that this is probably the first relationship for me without emotional dependance in a toxic way. I still think because of many reasons that he is prepared for marriage, maybe not perfect, as I have my bundle of past related sick stuff, too (wich not means a general “nobody is perfect”, but that I think I can spot the difference of marriage-murdering flaws and …well, problems to work with). I won´t count a list of lovely things now to prove he´s ready, but I think so. A good sign was the ability to talk and support me.
That said, I didn´t read your comment and forgot it two minutes later because I may feared an answer. I would lie if I said I had no fear regarding the future, but I still think we can manage it.

 

[alice24]

Two more points:

–In case it wasn’t clear already, he should be the person having any uncomfortable talks with his family. They will forgive him disagreements, but it’s harder to forgive an in-law.

–The wife not mother stuff is important. As much as possible, you should reach decisions together and both of you believe in the decision and each other, not one of you imposing decisions on the other.

He said yesterday that HE will talk to them, which is good as I really have no nerves over for this - I think IF they react bad, they will think the decision is made by me. I was the rational, good girl for them, so they tend to think I always influence his decisions (and they try to force me to do so). At least, it doesn´t matter, it´s an endly period of time in this house now.
I think we need to work on that decision making thing. He needs to learn that it´s ok to have different opinions and to tell this. I need to learn that I give him space to do things on his own. I will still take a chance for this couple counseling if we can, and maybe search some books on this family structure theme.