In general, if one person wants to “be friends” what that really means is that person wants to have the “ex” continue to meet some of his/her emotional needs. Very little good can come from that. It tends to be destructive to both parties.
Cutting off all contact is probably the kindest way to force the needy person to realize that such needs should be met in another (hopefully) healthy way.
That isn’t to say you can’t be cordial, or even friendly, with an ex when you do happen to have contact. And in the case where contact is likely because of common friends, family, business, Church, etc., then friendly contact is important. But there need to be some SERIOUS boundaries in such circumstances.
You hit the nail on the head! I don
t want to get into all of the details on why we broke up, but it is the right decision, even though it is incredibly painful. I feel like he wants to "emotionally keep going out" though. We both love each other and care about each other deeply, but sometimes in order to give the other person what they need (or to give yourself what you need), you need to let them go. I love him, but it is best for me to make a clean break. Also, I I need to let my heart catch up with my brain. (My brain knows I need to end this relationship completely but my heart doesnt want to let go yet). Plus, I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now, and in order to best navigate those waters, I need to not be in touch with him for awhile.
I also feel like one of us, or both of us, will end up getting hurt if we try to “be friends.” I would rather end things while we both have a positive memory rather than have one or both of us become bitter. I have told him that it is precisely because I love him and care about him that it is so painful to try to remain in touch.
Moreover, if I was dating someone new down the road, I would not feel comfortable if they were in touch with an ex. And I need to hold myself to the same standards I hold them to.
It is hard to go into the details in the post but I really appreciate everyone`s thoughts and am grateful for your prayers. And for those lurkers who might be in the beginning stages of a relationship with someone not on “the same spiritual page,” it is much better to end it early than to have to end it down the road. God always needs to come before a boyfriend or girlfriend. I have failed to put God first on many occasions, and that never leads to happiness.
The person I have been dating is wonderful and I wish him the best. If we had never dated I would love to be his friend. And I wish I could be now. But that is not best for me, at least for right now. At the same time, I feel bad for making him feel bad by not wanting contact. But it is about what i need and not about what I want. Besides, the best thing I can do is pray for him.
I have been honest with him and will continue to be so. If our paths cross again I will be polite and gracious. But thanks to your posts, I can kindly but firmly let him know I need to do what is best for me, without feeling bad about it.
Please keep both of us in your prayers. I am going through a hard time right now for many different reasons and this is particularly difficult with the holidays coming up and many other transitions and challenges in my life. So it is harder to not be in contact, and it will be hard to implement that and stay strong. But I know if he really cares about me, and really loves me, he will respect my decision.
Sincerely,
Maria1212
