Staying Sex-Free

[homewardbound]

I’m 20 and my boyfriend and I have taken a vow of chastity.

I definitely understand! Its so very hard to not fall into sin. We are still struggling with the whole no making out and such. But its something I’m determined to overcome.(As is he)

I’ll sometimes start talking or suggest something else to do. Or even just let him know I’m feeling tempted and he backs off. Sometimes I swear he has much more self control than I do. He’s a member of CAF but doesn’t post much. I’ll direct him to this thread. If you like maybe me and my boyfriend and you and your girlfriend could have our own little prayer chain. To pray for all of us to find strength in God to resist these sins.

IM me if you want, feel free definitely. You guys aren’t alone in this struggle.

Take care!

 

[fiat1122]

I’m 20 and my boyfriend and I have taken a vow of chastity.

I definitely understand! Its so very hard to not fall into sin. We are still struggling with the whole no making out and such. But its something I’m determined to overcome.(As is he)

I’ll sometimes start talking or suggest something else to do. Or even just let him know I’m feeling tempted and he backs off. Sometimes I swear he has much more self control than I do. He’s a member of CAF but doesn’t post much. I’ll direct him to this thread. If you like maybe me and my boyfriend and you and your girlfriend could have our own little prayer chain. To pray for all of us to find strength in God to resist these sins.

IM me if you want, feel free definitely. You guys aren’t alone in this struggle.

Take care!

I admire your and his courage and LOVE for the LORD. CONGRATS, please continue in holy chastity, yrs, as you may know, “making out” is sinful, versus a simple tap kiss.

 

[urban-hermit]

Sounds like you figured out the deal. A good doctor will tell you that nobody has to masturbate. Thinking otherwise is just an excuse to do it. And it can be very easy to get hooked on, so the smart man doesn’t go there.

I want to echo others’ suggestion of the book “Love and Responsibility” by John Paul II (Karol Wojtyla). This book is simply the best ! You might already know, but it is the foundation for the Theology of the Body which the Pope expounded later and which Christopher West has popularized.

The thing about this book (which I found kind of difficult - another reason reading it together might be a good idea) is that it gives you the reasons why chastity is so necessary for us. Truth strengthens our rational mind, which helps us to be in control of our passions and strive for what is truly good. False ideas are one of the devil’s avenues of temptation, leading us to make rationalizations for unwise decisions which often lead to sin.

Anyway, here is an excerpt from Love and Responsibility.

The objection that chastity is merely negative is then incorrect. The very fact that it is bound up with the virtue of moderation (temperantia) means that it cannot be so. For by ‘moderating’ the feelings and actions connected with the sexual values we serve the values of the person and of love. True chastity does not lead to disdain for the body or to disparagement of matrimony and the sexual life. That is the result of false chastity, chastity with a tinge of hypocrisy, or, still more frequently, of unchastity. This may be strange and startling - but it cannot be otherwise. For recognition and appreciation of the true value of ‘the body and sex’ is conditional on the ‘revaluation’ of which we have spoken: the raising of these values to the level of the value of the person is characteristic of and essential to chastity. Thus also only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love. For chastity frees their association, including their marital intercourse, from that tendency to use a person which is objectively incompatible with ‘loving kindness’, and by so freeing it introduces into their life together and their sexual relationship a special disposition to ‘loving kindness’. The connection between chastity and love results from the personalistic norm, which - as we said in Chapter 1 - has a dual content: a positive content (‘thou shalt love!’) and a negative content (‘thou shalt not use!’). It is of course true that all human beings have to mature internally and externally - (men in one way, women in a rather different way) - before they are capable of such chaste ‘loving kindness’, before they can learn to ‘savour’ it, since every human being is by nature burdened with concupiscence and apt to find the ‘savour’ of love above all in the satisfaction of carnal desire. For this reason, chastity is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the happiness of loving kindness which it must bring. But at the same time, chastity is the sure way to happiness.

God bless you both.

 

[Black_Jaque]

One of the best homilies I’ve ever heard was on concupiscence, or our bodily urges. The priest said the way to overcome concupiscence is through total self-mastery, and that is accomplished through prayer and fasting.

Crank up your daily prayer life. Three, four, five times per day, lose yourself in a good long prayer. Pick up the Divine Office, do a daily Rosary, there are tons of good Catholic devotionals out there for you. The key is, in excersizing a prayer life, you discipline your will. There will be times when you want to “skip it, just for now.” Those are the times you engage your will to do it anyway.

Next combine the prayer life with regular fast observances. Pick a fast that will be challenging. Bread and water for one day/month, Bread and water every Friday throughout the day, then relax at supper time, No sweets at all except on Sundays and Holy Days. These are tough to do. But you can do them, and you feel better about yourself when you do. And even if you slip up, you just get right back on track. Just like prayer, you are disciplining your will. Those times when your stomache says “feed me” you use your will to say “not yet”.

Prayerful fasting, and devotional prayer not only excersize the will but you will also gain grace. The grace coupled with a stronger will, will help you overcome your concupiscence.

Another thing - regarding matters sexual. Eliminate ALL terms in your vocabulary that are derogatory towards sex and the body. The vulgar terms and even the comical euphamisms serve to plant seeds in our minds that sex is just silly and no big deal. But instead of using even the term sex, supplant it with “marital embrace” or other such terms your mind will slowly begin to grasp the gravity of such a holy and sacred act.

 

[urban-hermit]

Great post Black Jaque.

Fasting has been useful for me in my striving to do God’s will too. Another thing, when I get hungry and … well, sometimes crabby - I remind myself of John 4:31-34:

31 Meanwhile the disciples besought him, saying, “Rabbi, eat.”
32 But he said to them, “I have food to eat of which you do not know.”
33 So the disciples said to one another, “Has any one brought him food?”
34 Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me, and to accomplish his work.”

I realize my work is nothing compared to Jesus’, but we do all have a mission in life that goes along with our stations in life. And we’re all called to chastity, whether single/celibate or married faithfulness, so chastity is part of our mission and we can take comfort and have peace knowing we are striving to be chaste in accord with God’s will. After a while it doesn’t even seem so difficult. Not that our sex drives go away, but we become the driver rather than the passenger. I guess the ideal goal is to want what God wants so much that unchaste thoughts and behavior lose their appeal, and we learn how to express our passion for somebody by doing nice things for them, or just do good deeds in general and take pleasure in that. It’s a great ideal to aim for and we learn so much on the way toward that ideal.

 

[fiat1122]

Great post Black Jaque.

Fasting has been useful for me in my striving to do God’s will too. Another thing, when I get hungry and … well, sometimes crabby - I remind myself of John 4:31-34:
I realize my work is nothing compared to Jesus’, but we do all have a mission in life that goes along with our stations in life. And we’re all called to chastity, whether single/celibate or married faithfulness, so chastity is part of our mission and we can take comfort and have peace knowing we are striving to be chaste in accord with God’s will. After a while it doesn’t even seem so difficult. Not that our sex drives go away, but we become the driver rather than the passenger. I guess the ideal goal is to want what God wants so much that unchaste thoughts and behavior lose their appeal, and we learn how to express our passion for somebody by doing nice things for them, or just do good deeds in general and take pleasure in that. It’s a great ideal to aim for and we learn so much on the way toward that ideal.

 

[TallyCatholic]

God Bless you all for your faith and desire for chastity. I was not like you when I was your age (only 7 years older, didn’t mean to make it sound like I’m OLD). I wish I could have been, but I became additcted to masturbation very early in my childhood, and well its a slippery slope from there.

Anyways you MUST get anything by Christpher West. For you though, I would go and buy the CD “Winning the Battle for Sexual Purity”. It is incredible. If you can’t find it, or can’t afford it, I will send you my copy. Just PM me and I will mail it to you, or to a PO box if you would like. It has changed my life, my wife’s life, and many more lives that I can’t even comprehend.

But anything by Pope John Paul The Great and his theology of the body will really be an eye opener for you. I was having a problem with chastity, but the problem really was that I was trying to quit it “because I knew it was wrong”. But I didn’t know WHY it was wrong. That was the key. Once I understand what real chastity and purity meant, it was much easier to avoid these desires and sins. I always fall, but I now have the faith to get back up and try again, knowing why I am doing what I am doing.

Christopher West! And if you have a chance to see him speak anywhere, its worth the travel. The man is an amazing speaker.

 

[Flopfoot]

Hi, yea I have had success in staying chaste, I am a 20 year old guy, never masturbated or had sex. However, don’t know if it is easier for me because I don’t have a girlfriend - some friends I know say it is actually easier to stay chaste when they do have a girlfriend. Only advice I can give is to refuse to sin and not to lose hope. The more you give in to sin, the harder it is to fight it later on. Whereas if you have stayed free of the sin for a long time, then you become stronger and it becomes easier to fight it - so that these days I hardly feel tempted at all. 3 years might seem like a long time to wait but you can certainly get through it one day at a time. Your girlfriend can make things easier if she supports your decision and hence helps you to avoid sin and temptation (eg, by not leading you on, by dressing modestly etc).