Staying with an abusive husband

[Violetta30]

My husband is completely malevolent and hateful. He has abused me continuously for 25 years. I have prayed for him taken him all over the world to Holy Sites including the Holy land and the Vatican and the Basilicas. He has been in many mental hospitals for alcoholism and drug addiction. We just returned from Rome in June. An example of this problem: Hechoked on the Holy Eucharist at Mass at San Giovanni in Laterano. The priest asked him to spit it out and the priest ate it. My husband stayed on his room and pouted the rest of the trip. I have literally hundreds of examples. He taunts me to the point of making me hysterical begging him to stop. My question is not about him. Could someone help me know why I continue this horrible violent life full of misery and disgrace? Last night I yelled and cursed him and collapsed in hysteria. I have a job but it’s only about 25K a year. Can I live on that? I want to leave but I have many health problems and I am afraid I would not make it on my own but more than that if I stay I am afraid of going to Hell. PLEASE caN a priest on this forum tell me if I am sacrificing my salvation for fear of being on my own?

 

[pensmama87]

I would strongly advise meeting with a priest you know personally. He can also let you know about and put you in touch with other resources in your area that can help. Professional counseling can also help, your priest could be a resource for that.

I’m so sorry you are enduring this. Abusive behavior is never acceptable in marriage.

 

[Violetta30]

Yes. Thank you. I have done that many times. I’m just so worn down from this. For. Mike has been wonderful as has everyoneI have received excellent advice and at the end of the day I am 67 years old and scared to death. I don’t want to go to Hell. It’s that simple. I will reach out again. Again thank you to much

 

[alphawoman]

You won’t go to hell for leaving an abusive spouse, whether for a finite period of time or indefinitely. God doesn’t want his children to be anything other than loved. There is zero sin associated with a separation of the marital bond to protect a victimized spouse.

There is no cut-off income below which it’s better to remain with an abusive spouse.

Please, take it from someone who has lived abuse first-hand–if you feel any danger to your person, get out now! Seek out community resources you need to ensure your very legitimate needs for safety and security are met. Most places have domestic violence hotlines, and women’s shelters will have a full list of resources that you can consult.You can have an evaluation with a social worker or psychologist to determine the risk level in your situation and get a professional opinion on how best to proceed. The resources are there…please use them, dear one!!

Sending you many many prayers for peace, love, and security in this difficult time. Remember, God is always with you, and He wants YOU to be loved the way He loves you.

 

[pensmama87]

Yes. Thank you. I have done that many times. I’m just so worn down from this. For. Mike has been wonderful as has everyoneI have received excellent advice and at the end of the day I am 67 years old and scared to death. I don’t want to go to Hell. It’s that simple. I will reach out again. Again thank you to much

Getting away from an abusive situation is not sinful. I’m sure someone here is more knowledgeable than me about this, but there is such a thing as “separation with the bond remaining.” If you are unsafe in your living situation, you do not need to stay there.

 

[alphawoman]

The catechism has provisions for separation and divorce under certain situations. Your conscience is your best guide, as is a good and holy priest.

CCC 2383: “2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.176
If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.”

Source: vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_P87.HTM

 

[NonTimendum]

I’m not doubting your situation or anything but you literally posted him choking on a Eucharist and you screaming at him as examples of him abusing you…

 

[pianistclare]

He sounds mentally ill. You can get out and you should.
Your parish will help you. If you have enough money to travel to all those places, you can live.

I’ll say a prayer for you.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m not doubting your situation or anything but you literally posted him choking on a Eucharist and you screaming at him as examples of him abusing you…

Please stop. If you aren’t doubting her, then how are you being helpful by this post?

OP, as others have said, you do not need to remain in an abusive marriage. Speak to your priest, and tell him you need help. He may be able to connect you with someone that can help you leave and get you on your feet.

 

[Lou2U]

Please stop. If you aren’t doubting her, then how are you being helpful by this post?

OP, as others have said, you do not need to remain in an abusive marriage. Speak to your priest, and tell him you need help. He may be able to connect you with someone that can help you leave and get you on your feet.

I agree absolutely. You are not sinning at all; rather you are protecting yourself.I’m so sorry you’ve suffered for so long.

Lou

 

[macstar]

Contact Catholic Charities and area women’s shelters. They are familiar with your circumstances and can offer assistance. You can also call the National Domestic Violence hotline. Work with a counselor on a way out of this dangerous situation. if you are in immediate danger, call 911.

 

[NonTimendum]

Please stop. If you aren’t doubting her, then how are you being helpful by this post?

As opposed to telling a stranger to leave her lawfully wedded husband and destroy a 20+ year marriage based on extremely little information?

I am suggesting that the “abuse” she outlined thus far was not even close to enough to justify instant support to what could be a horrible mistake and an extreme overreaction. Perhaps there is abuse she hasn’t outlined but from the vague, nebulous information she gave here I don’t see the justification for telling her to “get out NOW!”

Especially since the husband in question is not here to give his side of the story or defend himself. Personally I think some of the other posters should be ashamed of themselves for jumping in to “counsel” an obviously distraught person on the basis of such vague and contradictory information.

 

[pianistclare]

guess you missed the part where he’s been in and out of treatment centers.

 

[Lou2U]

As opposed to telling a stranger to leave her lawfully wedded husband and destroy a 20+ year marriage based on extremely little information?

I am suggesting that the “abuse” she outlined thus far was not even close to enough to justify instant support to what could be a horrible mistake and an extreme overreaction. Perhaps there is abuse she hasn’t outlined but from the vague, nebulous information she gave here I don’t see the justification for telling her to “get out NOW!”

Especially since the husband in question is not here to give his side of the story or defend himself. Personally I think some of the other posters should be ashamed of themselves for jumping in to “counsel” an obviously distraught person on the basis of such vague and contradictory information.

What an awful, awful post. The OP is not obligated to give out her life story, so we take the assumption of charity that she is being honest, as she has no reason to be otherwise, and we see from her own words how much she has been suffering.

You are being deeply unhelpful and your insinuations that the OP is doing something wrong by “destroying” her marriage is appalling.

OP, there are many posters here who have unfortunately been in your position, and they understand emotional abuse all too well. I hope you are not in immediate danger, but if so, please, please look after yourself and get yourself to safety. You know what is happening in your relationship more than any of us - speak to your Priest, and be aware that you are doing nothing wrong.

Lou

 

[NonTimendum]

guess you missed the part where he’s been in and out of treatment centers.

“For better and for worse, unless worse includes treatement centers, then you can bounce.”

What an awful, awful post. The OP is not obligated to give out her life story, so we take the assumption of charity that she is being honest, as she has no reason to be otherwise, and we see from her own words how much she has been suffering.

You are being deeply unhelpful and your insinuations that the OP is doing something wrong by “destroying” her marriage is appalling.

Lou

Well if she gives very little information then she can’t expect detailed responses. I think it is fair to advise her to speak to a priest who is much closer to her situation and trained to deal with these situations. I even think it is fair to comfort her by saying it is no sin to leave an abusive husband. I’m not really okay with outright telling her to leave after hearing one paragraph of confusing evidence and absolutely nothing from her husband in defense of himself.

I think you’re being pretty unhelpful to be honest, for the reasons I’ve outlined. To be honest, beyond advising her to see a priest I don’t think this woman’s marriage is any of your business.

I didn’t say she was destroying her marriage. I said based on the information we’ve been given that is a possibility and that is why she should not seek advice from us but FROM A PRIEST!

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t see the justification for telling her to “get out NOW!”

Especially since the husband in question is not here to give his side of the story or defend himself. Personally I think some of the other posters should be ashamed of themselves for jumping in to “counsel” an obviously distraught person on the basis of such vague and contradictory information.

I don’t believe anyone was yelling get out NOW!

Yes, people should be ashamed of themselves for suggesting she talk to her priest and tell her that the Catholic Church never suggests she should put up with an abusive spouse. What are they thinking.

I don’t know if you are new to CAF or what, but we usually only get one “side of the story.” That’s all we have to go by, so we have to base our responses on that until her husband comes on and gives us his side. Which is never going to happen.

 

[macstar]

As opposed to telling a stranger to leave her lawfully wedded husband and destroy a 20+ year marriage based on extremely little information?

I am suggesting that the “abuse” she outlined thus far was not even close to enough to justify instant support to what could be a horrible mistake and an extreme overreaction. Perhaps there is abuse she hasn’t outlined but from the vague, nebulous information she gave here I don’t see the justification for telling her to “get out NOW!”

Especially since the husband in question is not here to give his side of the story or defend himself. Personally I think some of the other posters should be ashamed of themselves for jumping in to “counsel” an obviously distraught person on the basis of such vague and contradictory information.

That’s why she has been referred to professionals who can address the specific needs of this situation.

 

[JoyousCatholic]

Please speak to your priest. Abusive people do not change. In fact, they get worse with age and with time. Your life could be in danger.
Praying for you.

 

[Lou2U]

Well if she gives very little information then she can’t expect detailed responses. I think it is fair to advise her to speak to a priest who is much closer to her situation and trained to deal with these situations. I even think it is fair to comfort her by saying it is no sin to leave an abusive husband. I’m not really okay with outright telling her to leave after hearing one paragraph of confusing evidence and absolutely nothing from her husband in defense of himself.

I think you’re being pretty unhelpful to be honest, for the reasons I’ve outlined. To be honest, beyond advising her to see a priest I don’t think this woman’s marriage is any of your business.

I didn’t say she was destroying her marriage. I said based on the information we’ve been given that is a possibility and that is why she should not seek advice from us but FROM A PRIEST!

The OP isn’t seeking detailed answers, just to know if she is doing something acceptable according to the CC.

As I said, only the OP knows her marriage, and it is no more business mine than it is yours. I have given the same advice as you, only without the comments of “the OP is being too vague” or “we don’t know the other side”. I am making my advice based on the information given, not on what is considered lacking.

Anyhow, our dialogue is unhelpful to the OP and is taking this thread off topic, so I hope you understand that I do not want to continue this discussion.

Lou

 

[NonTimendum]

I don’t believe anyone was yelling get out NOW!

I didn’t say they were yelling…

He sounds mentally ill. You can get out and you should.

That isn’t the only example either.

Yes, people should be ashamed of themselves for suggesting she talk to her priest and tell her that the Catholic Church never suggests she should put up with an abusive spouse. What are they thinking.

Wow that sure sounds familiar

I think it is fair to advise her to speak to a priest who is much closer to her situation and trained to deal with these situations. I even think it is fair to comfort her by saying it is no sin to leave an abusive husband.

Doh!

I don’t know if you are new to CAF or what, but we usually only get one “side of the story.” That’s all we have to go by, so we have to base our responses on that until her husband comes on and gives us his side. Which is never going to happen.

Which would suggest prudence before giving more than what I oulined above.

Anyway I am done with this. Give whatever advice you want. You’ll have to answer for it, not me.