Staying with an abusive husband

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Talk to your parish priest. Your problem seems to beg face to face discussions, not keyboard to keyboard.

May God watch over snd guide you.
 
I sure hate to hear of your long suffering. There are many good suggestions and ideas here, so I wont burden you with more other than to say that I and others here will keep you in our prayers.
 
NonTimendum said:
“For better and for worse, unless worse includes treatement centers, then you can bounce.”
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What an ill-informed, malicious statement. Attitudes like this result in women not seeking professional help to evaluate the risk in their relationships, at a potentially high cost. I posted the Catechism’s position on the matter upthread, which you have disregarded.

I’ll be flagging this post to the moderators, as it is uncharitable in the extreme and misleads other readers as to the Catholic Church’s position on protecting victims of abuse.
 
Dear OP,

Don’t despair. Place your whole marriage at the altar. Go to adoration and pray pray for The Holy Spirit to guide you on what you should do. If you are in danger as previous posts have mentioned, you need to set a BOUNDARY and leave. You are a child of GOD, created for dignity!! However, if your situation is not dangerous and have time to reflect and make some decisions, go to adoration. Beg The Lord for his MERCY upon you and your husband and of course your marriage. Setup an appointment with a good Catholic/Christian Marriage Counselor.

You will be in my prayers! Fear is NOT of The Lord. He is holding you through these difficult times and HE will give you an answer!!

Blessings,
 
Violetta, abuse within marriage can amount to torture, and it appears that is what you have endured with your 25 years of marriage. Frequently, no one else is truly aware of how bad it is and how cumulative and destructive it can be.
Know that I’ll be praying for you and for your husband, and that God will guide both to the decision He hopes for your welfare and your husband’s.
Kind wishes, Trishie
 
If you have been abused for som nay years, it can be very difficult to break away.

Please know that God does not want His children to suffer. You have obviously done all you can if you are to the point of collapse! You are not going to lose your salvation by leaving an abuser.

Go to your priest, discuss with him what has happened to you and ask him to help you with resources for domestic abuse victims. There is help and you do not have to stay.

Prayers going up.
 
I do so appreciate all the support of messages. I would however like to address the person who put abuse in quotation marks and doubted my truthfulness. Only a person who has been in the situation can’t understand it. I am a well educated strong devout Catholic woman yet I continue to endure this relentless abuse violence and neglect and I am completely confounded why I continue to stay. As for doubting my honesty you have no reason to believe I do not lie but let me offer you this information. I was raised by devout Catholic parents who had advanced degrees and I myself am very well educated. Dishonesty was simply not an option in my household nor is it an option for me today or ever will be. Anyone who knows the personality profile of an abuser knows that these people seek out people like me. Because of the overwhelming response I would like to continue my comments regarding the situation by asking anyone on this forum if they can explain to me or help me understand why I have not left? It contradicts everything I have been taught and everything I know to be true. I am 67 years old and my husband to 75. We make over 80 K a year and if I left my income would be less than 30 K. I would not be even close to poverty level and yet it seems the materialism has a strong a hold on me as does my husband. Can anyone help me with this or make any suggestions. Believe me I have been to retreats I pray daily I go to mass and I walk into this house and endure more of this horrific ammoral behavior. My self-esteem must be below zero. Can anyone suggest what I can do to break from the cycle. I believe in many ways I am sicker than he is
 
Simply put, often fear of the unknown makes us reluctant to make changes even when we know cognitively it’s necessary. You know this life, you know your husband. The habits and patterns of your marriage are familiar to you. Living on your own, figuring out how to live, presents new challenges.

Lots of abuse victims don’t leave, even with means and opportunity (though abusers frequently do what they can to erode these.) That’s why I suggested professional counseling, to help you untangle these thought patterns and find a good course of action. It’s very hard work, but incredibly worthwhile, so it’s a good idea to sort it out with someone with good insight into how the brain works with the bonus of being an outside observer.
 
First, I applaud your courage in continuing this conversation. Having broken free from an abusive marriage myself, I know how hard it is to share your pain. Please know that you’re among friends. (And if any poster here feels like being less than charitable, I will speak out and alert the moderators again.)

Trauma bonding is, in large part, behind the struggle of victims of domestic abuse to break free from their abuser. Abusive behaviour generally follows a pattern of intermittent abuse and reward, which is one of the most damaging relational patterns. The victim of abuse becomes incrementally conditioned–often over a long period of time–to accepting worse and worse treatment for less and less reward. Abusers are often quite skillful manipulators, and this helps them gradually push the envelope, so that each little nudge away from love and kindness is unnoticeable. Yet, cumulatively, the abuse can wear down the victim and train him/her to accept behaviour from an abuser that wouldn’t be tolerated from anyone else.

Here’s a quick article which summarizes trauma bonds better than I did:
pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/

Abusers effect behaviour change and compliance through coercive control of their victim. This guide from a provincial government in Canada summarizes the types of behaviours that feed abuse. I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that your relationship covers more categories than you initially realized; mine did.

gov.nl.ca/VPI/types/wheelsofpower.html

Here is another set of versions from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
  1. Pre-separation power and control wheel: theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/PowerandControl.pdf
  2. Post-separation power and control wheel: theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Using-Children-Wheel.pdf
You’re in my prayers.
 
pensmama87 said:
Simply put, often fear of the unknown makes us reluctant to make changes even when we know cognitively it’s necessary. You know this life, you know your husband. The habits and patterns of your marriage are familiar to you. Living on your own, figuring out how to live, presents new challenges.

Lots of abuse victims don’t leave, even with means and opportunity (though abusers frequently do what they can to erode these.) That’s why I suggested professional counseling, to help you untangle these thought patterns and find a good course of action. It’s very hard work, but incredibly worthwhile, so it’s a good idea to sort it out with someone with good insight into how the brain works with the bonus of being an outside observer.
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Terrific advice. Many domestic violence prevention organizations and women’s shelters will offer discounted or free counseling to victims of domestic abuse. If you feel openly seeking assistance could be a risk to your safety, please tell the service providers and they will devise a strategy to provide you with help in a way that doesn’t put you in danger.
 
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