Stealing?

[momoftwo]

Hi all, I’m going through a very difficult situation right now. I have found out that my husband is having and has had various affairs. I have two children, a newborn and a 14 month old, and have spoken to my priest…he told me I have good ground for an annullment and should pursue it when/if I divorce.

I am a stay at home mom and haven’t worked since I got married three years ago. Ever since I found out what my husband’s been doing I have been taking money, a little at a time from our joint account and have been putting it in a secret account, sort of like a stash or emergency money. I’m doing this because I really don’t know what’s going to happen…to be real honest this looks like it’s headed for divorce.

Am I wrong…would this be considered stealing since I’m not contributing financially? I didn’t think I was since it’s supposedly considered both of our money even though he’s making it, I am at home with the babies, but since I am hiding it I began wondering if I was doing something wrong. I just feel like I need to make sure my children and I are taken care of just in case the worst happens. I don’t know what kind of attitude he’ll take…he may want to leave me with nothing since I don’t work…anyway any help on this would help ease my mind, thank you.

 

[beckyann2597]

momoftwo:

Am I wrong…would this be considered stealing since I’m not contributing financially? I didn’t think I was since it’s supposedly considered both of our money even though he’s making it, I am at home with the babies, but since I am hiding it I began wondering if I was doing something wrong. I just feel like I need to make sure my children and I are taken care of just in case the worst happens. I don’t know what kind of attitude he’ll take…he may want to leave me with nothing since I don’t work…anyway any help on this would help ease my mind, thank you.

You are not stealing. You are protecting your children and yourself with money that is supposed to be spent on their well being. Please contact a lawyer and get advice on what else you should be doing.

 

[Darrel]

He has to pay child support if you leave him. You have legal right to the money but so does he at the moment. Just my two cents but I think you should put the money back. It’s not what makes you safe, God makes you safe. He has a legal responsibility to provide for his kids. The court can doc his paychecks if he fails to pay. Your hiding money may in fact add to his case if he finds out. We cant do the wrong thing to protect our own safety.

-D

 

[momoftwo]

Darrel:

He has to pay child support if you leave him. You have legal right to the money but so does he at the moment. Just my two cents but I think you should put the money back. It’s not what makes you safe, God makes you safe. He has a legal responsibility to provide for his kids. The court can doc his paychecks if he fails to pay. Your hiding money may in fact add to his case if he finds out. We cant do the wrong thing to protect our own safety.

-D

Well, I agree to a certain point, but I have a feeling he’s hiding money also. In the work he does he gets paid in cash alot, and guess what, that money which used to be put into our account is gone now…he’s still working but no money to show for it. I also believe that he’s using alot of this money on his girlfriends, that’s my children’s money he’s using…there’s been times that he’s left our account dry, not one penny, and I don’t know about it until the I get a call from the bank, do you see my concerns?

 

[dahliasmom]

I would say that you are not wrong. You have every right to that money. I am a stay-at-home mom also and if my husband was doing the same thing, you better believe that I would set myself up financially. You should not put that money back. As an at home mom you have just as much right to that money as he does. You are doing the right thing by seeking advice from those in your spiritual community. If you still feel bothered by hidding money talk to your priest. One small note, make sure he doesn’t know about that account. Make sure it is in a bank that he doesn’t know about and have the statements sent to your parents house. If he knows about the account he can use it in a divorce. It is hard to get back to getting a job once you have been out for a while. I will be praying for you.

 

[momoftwo]

dahlia(name removed by moderator):

I would say that you are not wrong. You have every right to that money. I am a stay-at-home mom also and if my husband was doing the same thing, you better believe that I would set myself up financially. You should not put that money back. As an at home mom you have just as much right to that money as he does. You are doing the right thing by seeking advice from those in your spiritual community. If you still feel bothered by hidding money talk to your priest. One small note, make sure he doesn’t know about that account. Make sure it is in a bank that he doesn’t know about and have the statements sent to your parents house. If he knows about the account he can use it in a divorce. It is hard to get back to getting a job once you have been out for a while. I will be praying for you.

Thank you so much for your support. He doesn’t know about it, I use a money order and send it to my sister who opened an account in her name…it doesn’t even have my name on it. I don’t look forward to having to leave my babies…I planned on raising them myself, no sitters or daycare. I am crushed, mostly about not being able to raise my children myself, I think out of all of this mess that is what upsets me most, that is the only thing that I will resent him for.

 

[dahliasmom]

I know exactly what you are talking about. If my grandma had a computer she would probably tell you to stick it out until the kids were in school. It might not be such a bad idea. You could start taking classes at your local community college. There are alot of resources out there. I have often contemplated whether or not to leave my husband, but decided that I can deal with it. He will be my cross to bear… I guess. I can imagine how devistating it would be to find out about your husband cheating. I don’t think that resentment will solve anything though. They know just were to get us. How to hurt us the worst way possible. It is unfortuante that time was wasted on something that could have been so beautiful. I pray that you will be wise in your decision. I have know about too many men that skip on their duties as fathers and quit their jobs. You should think now about what kind of job to work towards that will support you and your children. Don’t rely on child support because things happen and then it’s not available.

 

[Darrel]

momoftwo:

Well, I agree to a certain point, but I have a feeling he’s hiding money also. In the work he does he gets paid in cash alot, and guess what, that money which used to be put into our account is gone now…he’s still working but no money to show for it. I also believe that he’s using alot of this money on his girlfriends, that’s my children’s money he’s using…there’s been times that he’s left our account dry, not one penny, and I don’t know about it until the I get a call from the bank, do you see my concerns?

I see,

What a tough situation. If you need the money for the kids it’s the right thing to take it and it’s yours to take. The hard part is that you need to do the right thing in spite of the fact that he is not. If your only two options are keeping secrets or going without for your kids, then you need to find option three. When it comes to a divorce things are divided up based on the total. I’m not so sure keeping that account secret is even legal in the divorce end of it. I think a good lawer could help you with this. And perhaps talk a priest so you can give all of the details.

-D

 

[momoftwo]

dahlia(name removed by moderator):

I know exactly what you are talking about. If my grandma had a computer she would probably tell you to stick it out until the kids were in school. It might not be such a bad idea. You could start taking classes at your local community college. There are alot of resources out there. I have often contemplated whether or not to leave my husband, but decided that I can deal with it. He will be my cross to bear… I guess. I can imagine how devistating it would be to find out about your husband cheating. I don’t think that resentment will solve anything though. They know just were to get us. How to hurt us the worst way possible. It is unfortuante that time was wasted on something that could have been so beautiful. I pray that you will be wise in your decision. I have know about too many men that skip on their duties as fathers and quit their jobs. You should think now about what kind of job to work towards that will support you and your children. Don’t rely on child support because things happen and then it’s not available.

I am trying to do God’s will, and have been praying about it alot, I think that’s why I’m still here. Had I done my will and what I wanted to do I’d would’ve been gone already. I am trying really hard to discern His plan for me, I do know that I don’t want my children growing up to see this behavior, it’s my obligation to take care of them and make sure they are surrounded by good, Godly, Catholic people and that won’t happen as long as we remain together. I can’t teach my children to treat people humanly and with dignity and then for them to see their father not do that. I won’t rely on child support, furtunately I have a Masters degree, and I know that I can support my children financially if I have to, the point is I don’t want to, I want to raise them. I hate this situation, and I know resentment doesn’t help anything…but this is a slow process and I am human after all.

 

[asquared]

all the material goods you bring into the marriage and acquired after the marriage belong equally to both of you. that is what your marriage laws say, and you need to look at your state laws to understand what they say. Your (as a couple) inability to be honest about finances gives a clue to the greater inability to be honest about the infidelity and his lack of commitment to this marriage from the beginning. Get a lawyer now to protect your interests and those of your children, and get good financial advice. Even the government recognizes this comingling of finances in the tax laws, and if he is hiding money you could still get burned, especially if he starts lying to the government. Get counselling now, both pastoral and marriage, above all pray the rosary every day and stay united with the Church and the sacraments, you need all the graces and support you can get.

 

[mercygate]

Darrel:

He has to pay child support if you leave him. You have legal right to the money but so does he at the moment. Just my two cents but I think you should put the money back. It’s not what makes you safe, God makes you safe. He has a legal responsibility to provide for his kids. The court can doc his paychecks if he fails to pay. Your hiding money may in fact add to his case if he finds out. We cant do the wrong thing to protect our own safety.

-D

Do not leave him until you have examined all of the legal ramifications of such a move; the person who leaves may be accused of abandonment and therefore not entitled to support. The person who leaves may be considered to want a divorce and therefor not be entitled to support. Be VERY careful.

 

[Magicsilence]

Do you think its stealing? I think you know the answer yourself.

I think trusting in God is better. He always provides. I know its easy to say so when youre not in trouble, but believe me, he always comes through, .

In Christ.

Andre.

 

[Ham1]

Call a good divorce attorney after consulting with your priest.

I’m no lawyer but you may be able to get quite a bit of financial support if he has been cheating on you.

 

[momoftwo]

Thanks for all the replies…I am in the process of getting an attorney, I’m looking for a good one. I don’t feel like I’m stealing, he’s doing his job which he gets paid for monetarily, I’m doing my job which I don’t recieve a paycheck for, he will continue to get a paycheck when and if we separate, I will not. Like I mentioned before, he doesn’t give me all the money he makes anymore and on top of that he takes what we do have, for what I don’t know. He doesn’t take care of any of the bills or house payment…I do all of that which is why I am so concerned that he may decide to leave and empty or close our joint account and then what? It could take at least a year to get a final judgement in a divorce, what do I do in the mean time? He will be financially stable, and not be paying any bills in the mean time I’ll be left with nothing and having to pay all the bills. I feel I have a right to some of that money in order to take care of my children. Shouldn’t we always have a back-up plan?

 

[momoftwo]

Ham1:

Call a good divorce attorney after consulting with your priest.

I’m no lawyer but you may be able to get quite a bit of financial support if he has been cheating on you.

From your post to God’s ears…I heard that a spouse that is cheating can’t be “punished” monetarily by the judge, that it is irrelevant in divorce court. Are there any lawyers out there that would be able to clear some of this up for me, thanks.

 

[LSK]

You need to talk to your attorney, and quite frankly you could take one HALF of that account and put it into your ‘secret account’ and you’d be ok legally but that is probably not what you want to hear…

talk about this with your priest. I truly believe that you need to protect yourself legally, morally and financially and you are in my prayers.

 

[momoftwo]

You know, something I’m finding interesting about this post is that it seems as though most men are telling me that I shouldn’t be taking this money. The women on the other tell me I need to take care of my children and that I’m entitled to it anyway, why is that? Is there something deep deep down in all men to watch out for themselves? If I were your daughter, mother or sister would you still be telling me to put the money back, that God will “provide” that this could be considered stealing? I know God will get me through, but He also said that we have to help ourselves. So then I can say my husband is stealing from us when he takes the family money and spends it on his girlfriends, alcohol and casinos, right? I just feel sad that men cover for men even if they are good Christians/Catholics, I just wonder why that is :nope: .

 

[mercygate]

momoftwo:

So then I can say my husband is stealing from us when he takes the family money and spends it on his girlfriends, alcohol and casinos, right?

Right.

 

[Siena]

Mom-

By all means, take the money. If you have good reson to think he is hiding/blowing $, it would be irresponsible to let him take it.

Also- my dad did these same things to my mom, they owned apartments, and so were paid in cash. As such, he was VERY good at hiding money from the IRS, etc. As a result, his tax returns said he barely made any money, and she was s*****d by the courts.

MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR OWN RECORDS OF WHAT HE MAKES- HOW MUCH HE CHARGES- HOW OFTEN HE WORKS, ETC. ANYTHING THAT CAN PROVE A CERTIAN LEVEL OF INCOME. They can’t easily doc the pay of someone who is self-employed, so be prepared to be in court ALOT b/c of non-payment of child support. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU AND THE BABIES DESERVE!!!

I reccomend separating your finances NOW before he does things to drive you jointly into debt. You will be responsible for half of any debt he individually makes while you are still together. DO NOT DELAY IN GETTING YOUR LAWYER! THESE THINGS MUST BE DONE NOW!!! My dad refinanced our house (it was paid off), the $ “dissapered” and my mom lost the house after the divorce when she couldn’t make house payments. (I think if you are separated, he might still be responsible for some household bills.)

 

[momoftwo]

Siena:

Mom-

By all means, take the money. If you have good reson to think he is hiding/blowing $, it would be irresponsible to let him take it.

Also- my dad did these same things to my mom, they owned apartments, and so were paid in cash. As such, he was VERY good at hiding money from the IRS, etc. As a result, his tax returns said he barely made any money, and she was s*****d by the courts.

MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR OWN RECORDS OF WHAT HE MAKES- HOW MUCH HE CHARGES- HOW OFTEN HE WORKS, ETC. ANYTHING THAT CAN PROVE A CERTIAN LEVEL OF INCOME. They can’t easily doc the pay of someone who is self-employed, so be prepared to be in court ALOT b/c of non-payment of child support. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU AND THE BABIES DESERVE!!!

I reccomend separating your finances NOW before he does things to drive you jointly into debt. You will be responsible for half of any debt he individually makes while you are still together. DO NOT DELAY IN GETTING YOUR LAWYER! THESE THINGS MUST BE DONE NOW!!! My dad refinanced our house (it was paid off), the $ “dissapered” and my mom lost the house after the divorce when she couldn’t make house payments. (I think if you are separated, he might still be responsible for some household bills.)

Thanks for your story Siena, this really puts things in perspective for me. According to an attorney that I spoke to he said that I couldn’t count on the extra money he makes because it’s not stable income, sometimes he gets those jobs sometimes he doesn’t, although right now he is in demand even though it’s not in his paycheck from the company he does get paid seperately. He’s so secretive about the extra work he does that it’s going to be hard for me to keep track, but I will certainly try.

And my biggest fear is getting screwed by the courts…one thing would be that we separated because we just didn’t get along or something like that, it’s a whole different ball game when he failed the marriage terribly by being unfaithful, it’s a total betrayal. Thanks for your post.