step children

[stcalixtus]

Here is my problem, been married for a few years, we are in our late 40s, I have a good job and we have a good life, we do not live extravagantly, my wifes son my stepson is 25 yrs old, a university grad who is a convicted felon, he stole some goods and evaded arrest at age 19, he has been in recent trouble with the law,last year. He has not been able to find a job in his profession that he is educated in, he has been unemployed off and on and my wife has stated she would have him move in with us if he has no place to live, I disagree and feel he should be on his own and has made mistakes he is suffering for now and it appears that things will not be good for him for quite sometime.I resent supporting a grown man that is unwilling to accept his mistakes and downsize his expectations on not being employed in the economic sector.My wife keeps on loaning him money off her credit card from when she was single,and when the bill shows up for that un secured debt I am working to pay it off.I have a 15 year old daughter that is with us part time and my wife compares my care of her to her adult son.I pointed out I am legally and morally obligated to support my daughter until she is 18 and will strive for her to be independent after that time and will help with college if she is good.My wife loves us both but this is a real bad situation for me if I let him move in, he has not even acknowledged that I am helping him financially and has been chilly toward me most of the time…what am I going to do? is it the Christian way to treat my lazy stepson as an unwelcome roommate? do I risk divorce? God help me it really rubs me the wrong way he runs his life and expects others to pick up the pieces.I never asked for financial help in my life and have worked hard to prevent that.

 

[Leonius]

Let the prodigal child return but make sure he knows he follows your rules when he lives in your house, any money he does manage to scrape up is yours to, that includes any welfare he might be entitled to, and make sure he does go through the humiliation of applying for it to as the unpleasant experience might motivate him.

No one will employ a felon in a good job he will have to accept any job he can get until he regains societies trust.

If he refuses then you will be justified in disciplining him up to and including disowning him and throwing him out of your home.

If he wants to be treat like a child he has to be obedient like a child to.

If he becomes a destructive presence in your household you have a obligation to your family to protect them from him and so sending him into “exile” would be justified.

Maybe encourage him to join the military.

 

[Seatuck]

Bring an unrelated(blood anyway) 25 year old man in to live with your 15 year old daughter. Don’t think so.

What led up to this guy being in so much trouble? Was his dad in the picture providing support and guidance? Depending upon the circumstances there might be a case for offering him some financial support. But there should be an agreement on how much and for how long up front that is agreed to between you and your wife. Borrowing money on a credit card is really foolhardy in this economy. That needs to stop.

 

[flyingfish]

Here is my problem, been married for a few years, we are in our late 40s, I have a good job and we have a good life, we do not live extravagantly, my wifes son my stepson is 25 yrs old, a university grad who is a convicted felon, he stole some goods and evaded arrest at age 19, he has been in recent trouble with the law,last year. He has not been able to find a job in his profession that he is educated in, he has been unemployed off and on and my wife has stated she would have him move in with us if he has no place to live, I disagree and feel he should be on his own and has made mistakes he is suffering for now and it appears that things will not be good for him for quite sometime.I resent supporting a grown man that is unwilling to accept his mistakes and downsize his expectations on not being employed in the economic sector.My wife keeps on loaning him money off her credit card from when she was single,and when the bill shows up for that un secured debt I am working to pay it off.I have a 15 year old daughter that is with us part time and my wife compares my care of her to her adult son.I pointed out I am legally and morally obligated to support my daughter until she is 18 and will strive for her to be independent after that time and will help with college if she is good.My wife loves us both but this is a real bad situation for me if I let him move in, he has not even acknowledged that I am helping him financially and has been chilly toward me most of the time…what am I going to do? is it the Christian way to treat my lazy stepson as an unwelcome roommate? do I risk divorce? God help me it really rubs me the wrong way he runs his life and expects others to pick up the pieces.I never asked for financial help in my life and have worked hard to prevent that.

You said you have only been married a few years, was your wife supporting herself before that? Does she work, or have financial resources of her own? You are making it seem like you provide all the finances and that the house is yours.

I don’t think you should make your wife choose between you and her son. She may well choose him, and either way she will resent you for putting you in that position.

He is not your child, so you don’t particularly care about his well being. But he is her son, and she doesn’t not want him to suffer.

That said, is it possible for her to help him rent his own place as opposed to letting him live with her?

 

[CindiAnna]

I agree totally with the above poster Leonius. As the head of the household you have every right to expect such from your stepson.

We are also a family of steps, & I respect my husband’s view of what is right for the “household”. In years past, my husband was the one who repeatedly dished out money to his son who was always calling for help. During one call, we were in rather dire straits financially due to repairs needed on our home & my husband told him he simply couldn’t help him this one time (his son was 35 yrs old at the time) and he hasn’t heard from his son since. It saddens him terribly, yet he saw that his son was a loving child so long as dad dished out the money.

In many ways, I’ve been guilty of spoiling my son with material things, including money, but time has shown my hubby & myself both that it should not be this way. Once they are responsible for themselves… they Should be responsible. Your daughter is a different story, as she’s still underage & in need of support by BOTH her mother and father, so kudos to you for doing so. I wish my ex was but he wasn’t & I’m grateful to my hubby for stepping up to the plate.

It’s not easy being a blended family, but I believe you are on the right road. Keep the communication open between you & your wife, try to be understanding, but also be firm. You ARE the head of the household. I will pray for y’all & wish all involved many blessings…

God’s blessing to you

 

[Catholic1954]

If he moves in, he will take over your household, and REALLY have no reason to do anything for himself. Your wife is enabling him to keep up his current lifestyle; you and she should talk to a social worker about putting him in some kind of program that will help him to start living on his own.

 

[Rascalking]

If he moves in, he will take over your household, and REALLY have no reason to do anything for himself. Your wife is enabling him to keep up his current lifestyle; you and she should talk to a social worker about putting him in some kind of program that will help him to start living on his own.

THat pretty much sums it up.

I’ve always thought that the term “Step____” is silly. You love the spouse, you love the kids. Kids need to trust their mom/dad and call their new step___ just Dad or mom.

 

[stcalixtus]

You said you have only been married a few years, was your wife supporting herself before that? Does she work, or have financial resources of her own? You are making it seem like you provide all the finances and that the house is yours.

I don’t think you should make your wife choose between you and her son. She may well choose him, and either way she will resent you for putting you in that position.

He is not your child, so you don’t particularly care about his well being. But he is her son, and she doesn’t not want him to suffer.

That said, is it possible for her to help him rent his own place as opposed to letting him live with her?

you presume too much,I have helped him and do care about him but see a pattern of dependency, this is joint income law in this state so this is not the issue? point is does he stop dependin g on his mom or does he man up accept his mistakes move on to another career path…what would jesus do? am I a horrible person or should her son stop being arrogant and accept a less prrestigious job.
/

 

[flyingfish]

you presume too much,I have helped him and do care about him but see a pattern of dependency, this is joint income law in this state so this is not the issue? point is does he stop dependin g on his mom or does he man up accept his mistakes move on to another career path…what would jesus do? am I a horrible person or should her son stop being arrogant and accept a less prrestigious job.
/

Well, it’s not your decision to make. If your wife makes her own money, she can choose to spend it on her son if she wishes. I agree that he should be independent, but whether his mother helps him is entirely up to her and you should simply support whatever decision she makes for the sake of peace in your marriage.

What are you going to do, tell your wife that she can’t spend her money on her son? That will go over well.

You didn’t raise him, it’s not your job to be his parent. If you try to behave like his father it will only create conflict. You can do that if you marry someone with a young child and assume the role of father in that child’s life. But when you married your wife he was already an adult, you should leave those decisions up to his mother.

 

[Mom_of_5]

My husband and I each had 5 children when we married nearly 18 years ago. His daughter was thirteen and the youngest of the ten. “Susie” could do no wrong, ever. She did not go to college, she has two children, not married to either father. Every few months she calls her dad for money. Three weeks ago she called and said, “dad, send me $1000.00”. He sent her $350.00 “because she sounded like she needed it”. He didn’t know why she needed the money. She is now 31 years old. Hubby’s 37 year old daughter asked us to refurbish her bathroom. We did at a cost of 1500.00. She was to make payments to us, but has long forgotten and dad will not ask her for it. .A month ago she announced that she is in love with another woman. Our heart breaks for her 13 year old son.She is a felon because 5 years ago she took checks belonging to someone else, wrote them and cashed them. She wanted us to bail her out. Hubby was angry with me because I said NO.

Hubby has a 40 year old son who “borrowed” $500.00 some time ago. He gave us a check for that amount, it bounced and cost us $25.00 in bank charges. For at least 10 years we had to pay his gas when he came to see us, plus cash to buy lunch on the trip. His other 2 have given us moments we would like to forget as well. Each time we have a problem,hubby says, “never again”…

We are retired and of average means and cannot afford to help the "children’. I raised my family to take care of their needs, each graduated from college and does well.
MY money is HIS money and HIS is MINE!! Both should agree on any handouts, gifts, etc. He has learned that his children do not respect him as they should. They confuse the word “no” with meaning dad doesn’t love them. It has taken a long time, but dad is finally learning to to really help his children…encourage them to stand on their on two feet.

The 25 year old should not move home. He can get a job, perhaps not one that he “wants”, but one that will pay the bills. There is a huge difference between 15 and 25 and I agree they should not be housed together. Mom needs to know she is harming her son and he will be reliant on her all his/her life if she continues down this path.

Get GOOD counseling for you and your wife. Good luck,

Love and peace,

Mom of 5

 

[stcalixtus]

Well, it’s not your decision to make. If your wife makes her own money, she can choose to spend it on her son if she wishes. I agree that he should be independent, but whether his mother helps him is entirely up to her and you should simply support whatever decision she makes for the sake of peace in your marriage.

What are you going to do, tell your wife that she can’t spend her money on her son? That will go over well.

You didn’t raise him, it’s not your job to be his parent. If you try to behave like his father it will only create conflict. You can do that if you marry someone with a young child and assume the role of father in that child’s life. But when you married your wife he was already an adult, you should leave those decisions up to his mother.

your response is of no help, we share expenses so therefore I am working to pay of his debt, spending money…OUR money should be a joint decision. so you are saying I can go out and buy a corvette and not seek approval for that? you are ridiculous.I am not his father and do not want to be I have tried to be his friend and have built a custom mountain bike for him ect…you assume to much, I would treat my daughter the same if she was an adult.you really need to ease up, this is a christian forum…not yahoo forum.

 

[stcalixtus]

My husband and I each had 5 children when we married nearly 18 years ago. His daughter was thirteen and the youngest of the ten. “Susie” could do no wrong, ever. She did not go to college, she has two children, not married to either father. Every few months she calls her dad for money. Three weeks ago she called and said, “dad, send me $1000.00”. He sent her $350.00 “because she sounded like she needed it”. He didn’t know why she needed the money. She is now 31 years old. Hubby’s 37 year old daughter asked us to refurbish her bathroom. We did at a cost of 1500.00. She was to make payments to us, but has long forgotten and dad will not ask her for it. .A month ago she announced that she is in love with another woman. Our heart breaks for her 13 year old son.She is a felon because 5 years ago she took checks belonging to someone else, wrote them and cashed them. She wanted us to bail her out. Hubby was angry with me because I said NO.

Hubby has a 40 year old son who “borrowed” $500.00 some time ago. He gave us a check for that amount, it bounced and cost us $25.00 in bank charges. For at least 10 years we had to pay his gas when he came to see us, plus cash to buy lunch on the trip. His other 2 have given us moments we would like to forget as well. Each time we have a problem,hubby says, “never again”…

We are retired and of average means and cannot afford to help the "children’. I raised my family to take care of their needs, each graduated from college and does well.
MY money is HIS money and HIS is MINE!! Both should agree on any handouts, gifts, etc. He has learned that his children do not respect him as they should. They confuse the word “no” with meaning dad doesn’t love them. It has taken a long time, but dad is finally learning to to really help his children…encourage them to stand on their on two feet.

The 25 year old should not move home. He can get a job, perhaps not one that he “wants”, but one that will pay the bills. There is a huge difference between 15 and 25 and I agree they should not be housed together. Mom needs to know she is harming her son and he will be reliant on her all his/her life if she continues down this path.

Get GOOD counseling for you and your wife. Good luck,

Love and peace,

Mom of 5

thank you! I value your advice.

 

[flyingfish]

your response is of no help, we share expenses so therefore I am working to pay of his debt, spending money…OUR money should be a joint decision. so you are saying I can go out and buy a corvette and not seek approval for that? you are ridiculous.I am not his father and do not want to be I have tried to be his friend and have built a custom mountain bike for him ect…you assume to much, I would treat my daughter the same if she was an adult.you really need to ease up, this is a christian forum…not yahoo forum.

Exactly, it is a Catholic forum. And family values are very important in Catholicism.

The fact that you’re comparing your wife’s desire to help her son who might end up without a place to live to you buying a Corvette is interesting in itself. And while your expenses might be shared, your wife still works all day to earn money and that part of it is hers.

Regardless of how you would treat your daughter, your wife does not share your views on parental responsibility. And while you may want her to only give money to her son if you approve, I can tell you that this is a demand that will only lead to the destruction of your marriage.

Either you pressure and guilt her into not helping him because you feel he is too old to receive help, in which case she will constantly worry about him, wish she could make his life better, and resent you for preventing her from doing so.

Or she will simply decide that the son she had for 25 years, who has messed up in life and is struggling to be independent is more important to her than her husband.

Fact is, she doesn’t agree with your parenting style and if you think you can change her views on life to conform to yours you’re in for a big surprise. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that forcing a woman to choose between you and her son is a no-win situation regardless of the choice she makes.

If you want to keep your marriage strong, accept the fact that your wife will help her son even if you don’t think she should. Make peace with it, don’t argue with her about it, and be supportive of her. Focus on other things in your life, take her out on a date, volunteer together, go camping, whatever. Enjoy your time with her.

You may not like my advice because I’m not telling you to do what you want to do, and I’m not agreeing with you. But maybe you should ask your wife what she thinks.

 

[stcalixtus]

Exactly, it is a Catholic forum. And family values are very important in Catholicism.

The fact that you’re comparing your wife’s desire to help her son who might end up without a place to live to you buying a Corvette is interesting in itself. And while your expenses might be shared, your wife still works all day to earn money and that part of it is hers.

Regardless of how you would treat your daughter, your wife does not share your views on parental responsibility. And while you may want her to only give money to her son if you approve, I can tell you that this is a demand that will only lead to the destruction of your marriage.

Either you pressure and guilt her into not helping him because you feel he is too old to receive help, in which case she will constantly worry about him, wish she could make his life better, and resent you for preventing her from doing so.

Or she will simply decide that the son she had for 25 years, who has messed up in life and is struggling to be independent is more important to her than her husband.

Fact is, she doesn’t agree with your parenting style and if you think you can change her views on life to conform to yours you’re in for a big surprise. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that forcing a woman to choose between you and her son is a no-win situation regardless of the choice she makes.

If you want to keep your marriage strong, accept the fact that your wife will help her son even if you don’t think she should. Make peace with it, don’t argue with her about it, and be supportive of her. Focus on other things in your life, take her out on a date, volunteer together, go camping, whatever. Enjoy your time with her.

You may not like my advice because I’m not telling you to do what you want to do, and I’m not agreeing with you. But maybe you should ask your wife what she thinks.

I really do not think you realize what A loose cannon he is, goes on drunken binges, gets arrested for being a out of control drunk…just last year and I am supposed to live him? not! Ishould not have ever gotten involved with this forum…like they say opinions are like a@#$%#$%s, everybody has one, and therefore I am done with this worthless forum…forever.

 

[flyingfish]

I really do not think you realize what A loose cannon he is, goes on drunken binges, gets arrested for being a out of control drunk…just last year and I am supposed to live him? not! Ishould not have ever gotten involved with this forum…like they say opinions are like a@#$%#$%s, everybody has one, and therefore I am done with this worthless forum…forever.

I never said you should live with him, but you want your wife to completely cut him off. Help him rent a place so he doesn’t live on the street.

 

[whatevergirl]

Here is my problem, been married for a few years, we are in our late 40s, I have a good job and we have a good life, we do not live extravagantly, my wifes son my stepson is 25 yrs old, a university grad who is a convicted felon, he stole some goods and evaded arrest at age 19, he has been in recent trouble with the law,last year. He has not been able to find a job in his profession that he is educated in, he has been unemployed off and on and my wife has stated she would have him move in with us if he has no place to live, I disagree and feel he should be on his own and has made mistakes he is suffering for now and it appears that things will not be good for him for quite sometime.I resent supporting a grown man that is unwilling to accept his mistakes and downsize his expectations on not being employed in the economic sector.My wife keeps on loaning him money off her credit card from when she was single,and when the bill shows up for that un secured debt I am working to pay it off.I have a 15 year old daughter that is with us part time and my wife compares my care of her to her adult son.I pointed out I am legally and morally obligated to support my daughter until she is 18 and will strive for her to be independent after that time and will help with college if she is good.My wife loves us both but this is a real bad situation for me if I let him move in, he has not even acknowledged that I am helping him financially and has been chilly toward me most of the time…what am I going to do? is it the Christian way to treat my lazy stepson as an unwelcome roommate? do I risk divorce? God help me it really rubs me the wrong way he runs his life and expects others to pick up the pieces.I never asked for financial help in my life and have worked hard to prevent that.

I am sorry you’re somewhat caught in the middle. I think that a reasonable option if you will, could be to let him move in…with the caveat that at a certain timeframe/deadline, he has to have some type of employment. Don’t care what it is, he has to have something. It sounds like his bio dad doesn’t have much to do with him, so this could be a prime opportunity for YOU to serve as a wonderful role model. Sometimes, we are given challenges…tests, even, from God. This could be a good opportunity to step up, and help this young man make something of his life. He may fight you at first…he may resent you. Sounds like he has been spiraling out of control, doing his own thing for a while-but clearly, doing his own thing has not gotten him far. He may be thirsting for structure, and help. But, this is something you need to discuss with your wife…she needs to be on board with that plan. The plan being…helping her son to restore his life. He is still young, and he can turn things around…but, I don’t blame you for wanting to sit by and just foot his bill, while he does nothing. No, that is not healthy for anyone, especially him. Teach a person to fish, and they eat for a lifetime…he needs to be taught how to better himself. While he is not your son, and coming into his life late in the game…try to think of him as a son. Try to think of him as at least a long lost friend who lost his way. That’s my advice…allow him to move in…but discuss with your wife the ground rules, and that you want to help him better himself…and that you’d like for him to find some work. I think it can work out if you just keep the lines of communication open. I would make it very clear, that he isn’t going to act anyway he pleases…with no rules…and expect to live there. I can’t imagine how your wife could ever expect you to tolerate a chaotic situation like that–hopefully, she will be on board with this. (lol, I’m acting like you’re taking my advice already)

Good luck to you–I will have you in my prayers. *

 

[Mom_of_5]

I never said you should live with him, but you want your wife to completely cut him off. Help him rent a place so he doesn’t live on the street.

Sometimes a person has to hit bottom. To continue to care for an adult child is not helping him/her, it is simply hurting their chance of recovery. My SIL has a son in jail. He is 52 and has spent his entire life in and out of prison. SIL takes him in her home when he is out of prison. She is 75, works nights cleaning offices. Her husband left her well off, home paid in full, etc. Son talked her into selling her home, buying him cars, giving him money that supported his drug habit. He does not care about moms welfare,just feeding his greedy habits. He has taken her down with him. It breaks our hearts.

Being a Catholic does not mean to rent an adult child a place to live and caring for him just because he is your child. Being a Catholic means that we must do what is best for the child…teaching them to be the best person they can be. If that child does not accept the good counsel, then, it is his/her problem he/she is sleeping in a card board box under the bridge. Being a good Catholic means to keep the door to our heart open for that child when he/she decides to come back into our lives and repent, we then forgive that adult child and welcome him/her with open arms. We keep praying for the child but cannot allow him/her to ruin our life, marriage etc. That is totally unfair to give that child so much control over our lives. Parents are so afraid that the child won’t love them if we don’t do everying they (the child) wants us to. They give in and make a wreck of everyones lives. Time to take control.

Love and peace,
Mom of 5

 

[dulcissima]

It sounds like the bigger issue is that your wife might have a personality that is over-accommodating and probably enabling. I’m sure that there are times when you reap the benefits of her having that personality type and being accommodating to your needs, but as you can see sometimes it does cause really big problems.

Your wife probably does need counseling in order to see the need to set up reasonable boundaries. In the long run protecting our children from the consequences of their destructive choices only encourages them to get more out of control and make worse decisions, to the point that they will get themselves in such a bind that there is nothing that their family can do to help them. She needs to start taking the steps to let him feel the consequneces of his bad decisions. That is absolutely the only way that he can learn to make better ones. He does need to grow up and not make his mom responsible for everything and she is going to have to learn that she is not and should not be the solution to all of his problems.

 

[kresbrook]

I would consider buying her the book Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, by Allison Bottke. I would also encourage her to attend counseling as recommended by others. I would not expect her to stop supporting her son unless she realizes she is doing more harm than good. Although your step son has many problems of his own, your wifes enableing of him is her problem and you both need to address it as such in order to get it resolved. I would absolutley NOT let him move in, and I would consider moving out before you let him move in. I would never advocate divorce, but I would separate from my husband before I would allow his adult son to move into our home.

 

[tbcrawford]

Exactly, it is a Catholic forum. And family values are very important in Catholicism.

The fact that you’re comparing your wife’s desire to help her son who might end up without a place to live to you buying a Corvette is interesting in itself. And while your expenses might be shared, your wife still works all day to earn money and that part of it is hers.

Regardless of how you would treat your daughter, your wife does not share your views on parental responsibility. And while you may want her to only give money to her son if you approve, I can tell you that this is a demand that will only lead to the destruction of your marriage.

Either you pressure and guilt her into not helping him because you feel he is too old to receive help, in which case she will constantly worry about him, wish she could make his life better, and resent you for preventing her from doing so.

Or she will simply decide that the son she had for 25 years, who has messed up in life and is struggling to be independent is more important to her than her husband.

Fact is, she doesn’t agree with your parenting style and if you think you can change her views on life to conform to yours you’re in for a big surprise. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that forcing a woman to choose between you and her son is a no-win situation regardless of the choice she makes.

If you want to keep your marriage strong, accept the fact that your wife will help her son even if you don’t think she should. Make peace with it, don’t argue with her about it, and be supportive of her. Focus on other things in your life, take her out on a date, volunteer together, go camping, whatever. Enjoy your time with her.

You may not like my advice because I’m not telling you to do what you want to do, and I’m not agreeing with you. But maybe you should ask your wife what she thinks.

I agree with flyingfish with all posts posted.

What would Jesus do?

Would He turn his back or expect the mother to turn her back on her son?
Would He give the son another chance?
Let him without sin cast the first stone! Who here has committed no sin?

It is the duty of the mother to always be a mother from conception to death.This 25yr old deserves his mothers love and a home of course.

“Forgive us our trespasses,as we forgive those who trespass against us”
Are we not told we will be judged by the way we forgive others or not?

Even if he continues in alife of crime its her son.She will and should always love him and be there for him.

stcalixtus you clearly have no love for the young man but your wife clearly loves him as she should.It would be wrong to expect her to abandon him.You already know in your heart its wrong as you alluded to it by saying “what would Jesus do?” you already know!

I admire and respect anyone who can raise step children.Well done for all you have done.But please dont let him down now.He has had a tough life.What happened to his dad and mum?dont you think he would have loved to have his mum and dad together? try to put yourself in his shoes.
People usually get into trouble like this because they have had broken homes.Its the biggest reason for crime where kids are hurting and display it in this way.A broken home makes you totally insecure.I wonder how you and i would cope if we had come from broken homes.I know i for one would not have coped well emotionally.
Pray to our Lord for guidance.Please soften your heart to help your stepson(prodigal son)I know its not easy but it would show what a good man you are for trying
God bless