Step-dad hit my mom... again

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Mary92

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I am a freshman in college and my mom and step-dad fight continually. They did before they were married and I absolutely refused to condone her marriage, not only because it was outside of the Church (while she is still married in the Church to my father) and because I saw that he was an abusive person with many anger issues.

I don’t know what she was thinking.

Regardless, they have been married for two years now and he and she fight what was (at least before I left for college) weekly. Whenever I could tell that it started getting physical I would run and intervene. Before tonight this had happened twice, where I would literally find him forcing her to the ground and not letting her up. I threatened to call the cops, but I am afraid he would do something worse if I had actually done so (I don’t trust the guy and never have).

Well, tonight they went out to eat and came back fighting and by the time I heard them fighting he had already hit her on the chin and choked her. He then argued with me for an hour and a half about how bad my mom is and then even started to say she won’t have sex with him anymore and all kinds of really weird stuff. I am, well, smart, and caught him in a ton of things he couldn’t get himself out of so that he would get frustrated and leave us alone. I am a good debater, and this is the only thing that gets him to leave for a minute. I know it isn’t smart, as he could hit me too. I am a small person with many medical disabilities, but he is scared of me for some reason.

He is a controlling, hot tempered, immoral, fallen away Catholic with a child he refuses to discipline. He has been kicked out of his sons school because he is so verbally abusive to them and many other things. This is my mom’s third marriage/relationship, and ever since she divorced my dad she finds herself in abusive relationships (my dad had a temper but he never, ever would think of hitting her her).

This is the problem: I can’t get my mom to leave him. And although I want to call the cops, my first priority is always to protect her (he scares me.) I know I should call them now, but then what? He goes to jail and my mom never speaks to me again?

I need to convince her to leave, but I don’t know what to do. I go back to college in a few days and I am afraid to leave her and my 13 year old sister here with him. She always says she will leave but then the next day she says she can’t because of money (we have plenty and my grandpa certainly has plenty), and then because it isn’t stable for my sister (we all see how illogical that is), and then because my sister likes living in a nice house and having everything she wants (clearly illogical). And the illogical excuses go on and on. Honestly, I think she is afraid of him: in part physically, and also because my other sister who she had with guy number 2 lives in a different state and she is afraid she will lose visitation. As I said, guy number two was abusive to both my mother and myself, though since we never called the cops it didn’t hold up in court, so we already worry about her.

I just don’t know what to do. I am going to tell my grandpa, my mom’s dad, tomorrow and see if he will help me, though since my grandma died he has become very uncaring and depressed. The last time I mentioned we needed to leave the situation he shrugged it off, though I never said that my step-dad was physically abusive.

I guess my question is: what do I do? How do I save my sister (the 13 year old that lives here) from the life I had with her previous guy? How do I save my mom?

She is not herself, which is the scariest thing of all. After she left the last guy, because I threatened her when we were away from him that I would keep my sister away from that life and go an live with our dad, she just wasn’t the same mentally. She was clearly depressed but it seems to go further. Her actions and priorities war just weird. After a while she returned to herself for a few years, but she is falling back into that state now.

My step-dad also has been seeing a counselor for anger management, but my step-father is a bit narcissistic and the councilor is either a quack or my step-dad is unresponsive. So that doesn’t work. She needs to leave him, but how do I get her to see it and then have the courage to do it?

Sorry for the rant, my adrenaline is still rushing through my body.

Thanks and God bless.
 
I am sorry to tell you that at this point, you can do very little to help either your mother or your little sister. If you believe that your mother’s husband is harming your sister, you can turn him in to Child Protective Services. You cannot make your mother want to leave her current husband. You correctly recognize that anything you do can be ignored or undone by your mother.

I would give your sister the phone number of Child Protective Services and if she feels she is in danger, they will remove her from the home. It’s not a great solution but better than being abused. Perhaps she can keep your grandfather’s phone number in her phone as well, if he would come and remove her from the home.

Pray for all of them. Unfortunately, your family is a mess, and it’s always really painful to see someone we love allow themselves to be hurt like that.

One thing that might help, provided there is alcohol involved, is going to Al-Anon. It is for people who are troubled by someone elses’ drinking, and of course all the behaviors that ensue from that. It will help you detach with love from your mother’s drama, and take care of yourself instead of doing for her what she needs to do for herself.

:grouphug:
 
Only she can say when enough is enough for her and leave him or tell him to leave.

Pray that you mother has the strength, wisdom and understanding to leave him.

I’ll pray for that intention.
 
Please give your mother this number, 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224, (if she is in the USA, if not you may be able to find a similar hotline for where she lives?), and ask her to give them a call to discuss her options. Ask her to call, if not for herself, then for your sake and for your sister. This is the national hotline for domestic violence.
 
Mary, for the safety of your Mom & sister, you need to call the police NOW and have the courts issue a restraining order on your step-dad. Period. End of discussion.
 
Please make the call and report yourself rather than trying to encourage your mother and sister to do it. Weather you realize it or not, your being away is perceived as ‘safer’. You reported not calling in the moment because you feared his reaction. Imagine how they feel each minute by minute.

Love them. Protect them. Make the call. I pray you have all of God’s graces and the strength of all heaven behind you when you call. You can do it.
 
Call the police and a domestic abuse hotline. If you have a domestic abuse shelter in your local community, go talk to them and ask for help. Get the domestic abuse hotline number and give it to your mom and your sister. Give your sister the number for th police and instruct her to call them.

You are also a victim of abuse, you cannot see that. Your “intervening” and “debating” this guy is part of the abuse cycle.
 
Go ahead and call CPS; this is child abuse, whether your sister is being struck or not. I’m a social worker… trust me on this.

Hang in there. Listen to the other posters. I don’t know what else to add but I’ll be praying for you today. :hug1:
 
Please, please, please, listen to the other posters and call the police, CPS, and a domestic abuse hotline, This is an active abuse situation and something needs to be done soon. Women have gotten killed or put into comas, or left horribly paralyzed and unable to care for themselves by getting smacked around by their husbands or boyfriends. Please don’t let this happen to your mother or your sister.
 
Love works in mysterious ways. It is a sad story that once again show us what happen when a abusive person get hold over one who can not defend her/him self. I think your mom loves him,that is,I actually did read about this a fortnight ago,or rather,think she do so. There is not much you can do,but call the police,try to convince your mother she need to get a restraining order to keep your step-dad away and try to,and I know it is a awful lot that I ask a boy at your age to do but from what you wrote I have all confidence that you can do it,get your sister to some friend or something. It make me sad read about things like this. You are in my prayers and thoughts,and there is a Angel who will help. Believe me.
 
Get her and your family out and call the cops ASAP! You, your mom, and your sister have a chance, I don’t as someone who is in this situation with my spouse and a man. He will kill her or she will be driven to do herself. I’m on the border of the latter. Do this for me, please.
 
Domestic abuse is nothing to be trifled with. In my experience, it is likely to keep escalating. If you witnessed an episode of physical abuse, you need to report it.

You don’t have to face this alone. There may be someone at your school who can tell you how best to proceed, or make an appointment with your pastor, who may be able to advise you. By all means, don’t let this pass.

AND–get help for yourself as well. This is a tough thing for you to go through.

You and your family are in my prayers.
 
What to do? Call the police immediately and instruct your 13 year old sister to do the same.

He hit your Mom in the face.

Your mother needs mental health counseling herself, your step dad anger management. They are in a crisis marriage.

Sad that your mother doesn’t recognize that she is endangering your sister with physical and mental violence.
 
Will your Dad take in your sister, can she go live with him? Is she willing to go live with him?

If you haven’t told your Dad everything that is going on, do so. He can file paperwork with the court to get custody of your sister. In many states she is old enough to express her desires about which parent she wants to live with to the judge. The judge doesn’t have to abide by her desires, but will take them into acount. Being in a situation where she is watching her mother being abused, and at risk herself is certainly something the judge/court will consider.

The more police reports filed, the stronger your father’s case that his home is the best place for your sister.

You can not save your mother. This situation is by her choice, it is continuing by her choice. Even if you were to somehow eliminate this man from her life, she would probably find another. I had a friend who’s mother was stuck in this pattern. We worked together in a restaurant, one day I had to explain to the manager that my friend had left to literally beat his step-father (number 4) up and throw him out of the house. His sister had come running into the restaraunt crying because step-dad was walloping mom.

I will pray for you and your family.

ETA: BTW, if you are small with medical conditions- consider applying for a Concealed Carry permit when you are old enough, and if the state country you live in provides the freedom for that means to support your right to self-defense…
 
Read up on
-narcissistic personalities, abuse, abused victims
-why abused victims won’t leave the abuser,
-how to make a safe plan to get out (for the victims). (abuse can get worse when the victim tries to leave and the situation can be dangerous if you don’t have a plan and its always safest to involve police)

Also print off one of those 7 signs of abuse or narcissism or whatever applies, that shows your mom and or sister how they are being treaded ,sometimes reading it makes victims want change.

Find your mom or sister a friend(s) that have survived abusive relationships friendly support helps in so many ways.

You also need to talk to someone like the women’s shelter, a cop, councilor or even a priest about it, because they will all help you get the info you need to help your mom and sister. Don’t do it alone talk to people who can and will help.
God Bless, and you and your family are in my prayers.
 
Let your Dad know.

He needs to help his daughters. Your mom needs help as well, perhaps losing custody of her daughter might just be a wake up call.

I don’t understand why women often put their own children in harms way for a relationship with an abusive guy.:confused:
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
Let your Dad know.

He needs to help his daughters. Your mom needs help as well, perhaps losing custody of her daughter might just be a wake up call.

I don’t understand why women often put their own children in harms way for a relationship with an abusive guy.:confused:
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When my ex-wife decided to leave, I was really stressed by the concern that child abusers/abusive men tend to target single mothers. God was truly merciful in that, whatever was driving her actions, she didn’t really want custody and it was easy for me to get full custody of my children. That I could control the environment so their interactions with her occur on their turf, where they are comfortable and safe.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
I don’t understand why women often put their own children in harms way for a relationship with an abusive guy.:confused:
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that’s why its important to research why women do this.

Its way to complicated and more info than can be discussed in on CAF. your comment was insensitive and not helpful.

it’s very complicated and often times the victim has been brainwashed and abused to the point where they think they are trapped in box and the abuser holds the key. its not right but thats how brainwashing works.

reading about why women (victims) do this will help the op understand how to deal with his mothers resistance to leaving.

And its to important to leave out so I’ll say it again research how to make a safe plan to get your mom and sister out.
 
Rita77 said:
that’s why its important to research why women do this.

Its way to complicated and more info than can be discussed in on CAF. your comment was insensitive and not helpful.

it’s very complicated and often times the victim has been brainwashed and abused to the point where they think they are trapped in box and the abuser holds the key. its not right but thats how brainwashing works.

reading about why women (victims) do this will help the op understand how to deal with his mothers resistance to leaving.

And its to important to leave out so I’ll say it again research how to make a safe plan to get your mom and sister out.
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I don’t think he was being insensitive so much as trying to make sense of other people’s actions.

It is complicated. My first husband beat me. I agree with everything else you said.

God bless the OP and family. 😦
 
SurlyMermaid said:
I don’t think he was being insensitive so much as trying to make sense of other people’s actions.

It is complicated. My first husband beat me. I agree with everything else you said.

God bless the OP and family. 😦
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Thank you, I had no intention on being insensitive.

I don’t understand the scenario in the OP. I’m a she by the way.🙂
 
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