Step-daughter has abortion(s)

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ralvarado08

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I will try and keep this as short as possible. There is a lot of history to this situation. Our oldest daughter (my step-daughter) is 20 yrs old, almost 21. She moved out of the house in defiance when she turned 18. She got pregnant and we took her back in right before the baby was born. She left at when he was 10 mos. and we took care of him. She came back and took him at 15 mos. old. He is now 2 yrs. old. In the past two years, she has left again, telling everyone we kicked her out, which was not true, gotten married, left her husband (not the father of the grandson) last summer and recently finalized the divorce. We have discovered that she has also had two abortions, one as recently as yesterday. She has come to us again, begging us to let her live in our home. Her bio-dad has been taking care of the grandson and her intent is to bring the grandson along, which, of course we welcome. The problem is her habitual lying. She told us she had a miscarriage and this was her second, but we discovered it was really an abortion, and her second. We have not confronted her with this yet as she is planning on moving in this weekend, but my wife told her we needed to talk today first. We have also found out she has lied about her financial situation. She is telling my sons, who are grown and out of the house, that she was out of money and we would not buy her food (she never asked us for food.) She somehow found the money though to pay for the abortion ($550). I am now very hesitant about her moving in, as she has stole from us in the past. There is so much more, but I wanted to try and keep this as brief as possible. If we do let her move in, are we enabling or helping? Are we giving her the impression that we are condoning the abortions?
 
I would be worried about the lying and stealing, and might not let her move back in on that account, but in no way would I ever consider a person taking a girl in after an abortion as condoning the abortion. What’s done is done, and she will need support and care if she ever gets her act together and realizes what she’s done.
 
To take her in, are you enabling? Maybe. Are you helping? Maybe. Taking someone in after an abortion does not mean you condone it. People will continue to have abortions and we must love everyone of them before and after the fact. It sounds like she needs a lot of growing up to do.
 
ralvarado08 said:
If we do let her move in, are we enabling or helping?
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enabling. She’s a grown up. I would take in the child, but not her. Personally, I would consider looking into temporary custody of the child.
ralvarado08 said:
Are we giving her the impression that we are condoning the abortions?
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She doesn’t know you know, so that wouldn’t give her the impression you’re condoning the abortions. You are condoning the prior stealing, though.
 
I am not worried about her, but about her innocent young son. Is there any possibility she would sign away parental rights to him, either to her bio-dad or to you? If she had no living children, I’d say you should not take her in, but her son is innocent and will be affected by the mess she’s making of her life. It’s a very difficult place to be, because she also likely knows that her son is her ticket back into your house. Take precautions. Lock up your valuables, get them off-site if you have to. It’s a terrible thing not to trust your own daughter, but it happens.

I wonder if you could make her re-entry conditional upon her attending family therapy? Or drug rehab, or AA, whatever is most likely to help her get onto some sort of better track for her life. Just a thought. What a shame about the abortions, and her schlepping her son around like he’s a pet.
 
If this were my child or step child I would probably take her and her son in, but with some conditions.
  1. She’d have to get a part time job.
  2. She’d have to enroll in school. Either to finish up her GED if she didn’t graduate from high school, or start college or continue college so she can get an education and then get a job and support herself and her son.
  3. Counseling, she needs it badly and family counseling probably wouldn’t be a bad thing.
  4. She’d have to help out around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work etc.
If you are worried about theft, put a dead bolt on your bedroom door and don’t leave valuable stuff laying around.

I would not let her live with me and lounge around the house whilst I took care of her and her child and provided food and pocket money for her.

As far as the abortion(s), that’s over and done with. Anyone who has been through this needs lots of love and probably that counseling.
 
gh4 said:
If this were my child or step child I would probably take her and her son in, but with some conditions.
  1. She’d have to get a part time job.
  2. She’d have to enroll in school. Either to finish up her GED if she didn’t graduate from high school, or start college or continue college so she can get an education and then get a job and support herself and her son.
  3. Counseling, she needs it badly and family counseling probably wouldn’t be a bad thing.
  4. She’d have to help out around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work etc.
If you are worried about theft, put a dead bolt on your bedroom door and don’t leave valuable stuff laying around.

**I would not let her live with me and lounge around the house whilst I took care of her and her child and provided food and pocket money for her. **

As far as the abortion(s), that’s over and done with. Anyone who has been through this needs lots of love and probably that counseling.
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Yep, to all of these conditions. Not just counseling but having a plan for her life and for the supporting of her son.
 
When she came to speak to us on Tuesday about moving in, we told her there would be conditions and they were patterned after the conditions suggested by gh4 and Juliane. But yesterday she is looking us in our face and telling us she just had a miscarriage and we find out later in the evening that she had an abortion. Her plan is to dance at a “men’s club” (strip joint) while saving money to first buy a new car and then rent an apartment for her and her son. We told her we’d rather have her get a part-time job and get back into school (she did graduate high school) in order to better herself. We would help out as best we could while she stayed in school. She says she can make more money stripping.
 
ralvarado08 said:
Her plan is to dance at a “men’s club” (strip joint) while saving money to first buy a new car and then rent an apartment for her and her son. We told her we’d rather have her get a part-time job and get back into school (she did graduate high school) in order to better herself. We would help out as best we could while she stayed in school. She says she can make more money stripping.
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Is it possible that she could be lying to you about her intentions of becoming a stripper to compel you to allow her to live in your house?
 
It sounds to me like you need to absolutely back off from her altogether. It’s obvious that she’s crazy (if not mentally, then morally) and your good counsel is not helping her.

Make a solid statement of what you will and will not help her with (write it out on paper if necessary) and tell her that that is your final say in the matter, and that she must base her requests off of your aforementioned intentions. (i.e. Declare that you will take in her baby if she wishes, giving it food and medical care, and will give her ___ and ___ and ___ privileges. You WILL NOT let her live in your home, allow her to threaten you emotionally, etc.)

The main concern here is the child. I see how that in itself is causing you to have great concerns for how the situation plays out. I have the feeling that she may just use the child as a way to get leverage with you, and force you to do things that you do not wish to do. Keep an eye on how she cares for the child; it may be possible to call upon CPS to help fix this problem.
 
Thank you all for your words of advice.

At Rose - she’s already been “stripping” for about 4 mos.
 
gh4 said:
If this were my child or step child I would probably take her and her son in, but with some conditions.
  1. She’d have to get a part time job.
  2. She’d have to enroll in school. Either to finish up her GED if she didn’t graduate from high school, or start college or continue college so she can get an education and then get a job and support herself and her son.
  3. Counseling, she needs it badly and family counseling probably wouldn’t be a bad thing.
  4. She’d have to help out around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work etc.
If you are worried about theft, put a dead bolt on your bedroom door and don’t leave valuable stuff laying around.

I would not let her live with me and lounge around the house whilst I took care of her and her child and provided food and pocket money for her.

As far as the abortion(s), that’s over and done with. Anyone who has been through this needs lots of love and probably that counseling.
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Best answer. 👍
 
Z1Z2 said:
enabling. She’s a grown up. I would take in the child, but not her. Personally, I would consider looking into temporary custody of the child.

She doesn’t know you know, so that wouldn’t give her the impression you’re condoning the abortions. You are condoning the prior stealing, though.
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Consider? I would have been on the phone to a lawyer a long time ago, if you don’t she’ll use him to blackmail you. She’s over 18 and an adult. It’s time to make her own way in the world.
 
The rule has to be: No stripping, illicit sex, stealing, illegal drugs, lying while living with you. Of course, she would probably not agree to those rules. I think that you need advice from a professional family counselor and perhaps a family lawyer. You do not want your poor grandchild living with this woman unless she changes her ways.
 
I would get an attorney and attempt to gain custody of the minor involved, or try to make a deal with this young woman to sign over guardianship of the child to you. But no way would I allow her to move into the home, even with the child.
 
Child is fine. He is presently living with his other grandfather (sd’s bio dad) and we see the grandson on a frequent basis. And I know she is using the grandson as leverage because she know that I would not even consider letting her live with us based on her past history, if it wasn’t for the child. I will support my wife, because she is her daughter, but my wife can’t stand the lying as well. WWJD?
 
It’s good that the kid is not living with SD.

I don’t know what to suggest, but am I right in thinking that SD has one or more substance abuse problems and possibly some mental health issues? I feel like that is the missing link in the description of the situation so far. If that is the case, that would have to be taken into consideration when figuring out what to do next. It’s truly a very difficult situation, and would be even if there were no child involved.

By the way, this is hopefully not immediately relevant, but it would be a very good idea for you and your wife to make sure your will is updated to reflect the current situation and to protect the grandchild’s interests.
 
Here’s another thing that won’t help a lot but might be a good idea.

SD lies a lot about you to other relatives (presumably while trying to get cash out of them). I suggest that you have regular meetings or phone conversations where you explain the real situation, to make sure that she isn’t able to get cash from relatives who believe her stories. Obviously, this should be kept minimal so that it’s not used as an opportunity to gossip or to commit the sin of detraction, but 1) you have the right to protect your good name 2) other relatives should be able to protect their good names and not have their money taken on false pretences and 3) it’s in SD’s interest if everybody understands the situation clearly.
 
ralvarado08 said:
Child is fine. He is presently living with his other grandfather (sd’s bio dad) and we see the grandson on a frequent basis.
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When you mentioned this in the previous post, I thought the grandson was living with HIS OWN biological father. If the child is in a stable home, then your primary concern is taken care of, so your stepdaughter has no leverage. It doesn’t seem like she can be trusted to keep any agreement she would make, so I don’t think it’s a good idea to take her in under any conditions. As cruel as it may seem, I think it would be enabling her. She has already broken your trust and proven herself to be a liar and a thief, with no sign of repentance or a change of behavior.
 
ralvarado08 said:
Child is fine. He is presently living with his other grandfather (sd’s bio dad) and we see the grandson on a frequent basis. And I know she is using the grandson as leverage because she know that I would not even consider letting her live with us based on her past history, if it wasn’t for the child. I will support my wife, because she is her daughter, but my wife can’t stand the lying as well. WWJD?
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I think that maybe you need to coordinate with your step daughter’s bio-dad about possibly getting her custody of the child revoked [possibly with you/wife and bio-dad sharing the custody of the child] that way she cannot use the kid as leverage against either you or him.

I’d be a lot more concerned about the stealing than the lying because having to guard your possessions 24/7 to keep her from looting is no way to live.
 
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