Step-Daughter = Lesbian; How to deal

[jazzy0710]

• more or less saying that if you don’t basically accept my lifestyle, then you won’t be having a relationship with me.

I have a 35 year old brother who is gay. He came out when he was 19 years old. He came out to me first and then my mom and Dad.

My Dad was very stunned and my Mom didn’t like it at all and sat on the couch balling her eyes out.

Eventually she did come around, or so we all thought until she decided that she wasn’t willing to except it anymore. He lives in another city so when she’ d talk to him on the phone she would keep saying that he should be with a woman and that this wasn’t right. They don’t talk now and haven’t for months. However they have many other issues besides this one but this is the main one that has caused the friction. It’s really sad because he just lost his job recently and is very depressed and could use some motherly love but she atcually told me that she feels that he’s dead to her and she refuses to talk to him on the phone because he complains that she always gets him down so she doesn’t want anything to do with him.

You may not like it, but that’s who she is and that’s who she’ll always be. If she says that you won’t have a relationship with her if you choose not to accept her for who she is she will likely stick to that because my Brother did as did many other people I know who are.

If it makes you uncomfortable to see her and her girlfriend embrace than just put boundaries on physical touch when they are both present.

Don’t sacrifice your relationship with your step daughter. Trust me. It’s not worth the risk.

 

[tskrobacz]

A true spirituality necessarily is going to be involved with the issues of the world, with the issues of society, of the poor, of politics. When you cut off the human issues, the issues of suffering and society, in fact, you have cut off the soul. Human issues hold the key to your own shadow, what you are afraid of, what you deny, and what you hate. The marginalized, those of other races, religions, ideologies, and gender usually hold a gift for us. That’s why homosexuality is threatening to people. In many ways it is the last taboo.

In the homosexual person we have the image of the masculine and the feminine put together in one person. That’s why we are terribly afraid of gays and lesbians. They are the image of what we all need to integrate, the contrasexual. We’ve all got to put the masculine and feminine together within ourselves. We are so terrified by that wholeness, that those that represent it are hated in most cultures based on domination and patriarchy.

Interestingly, more holistic cultures such as Native Americans and Asiatics have no taboo against the homosexual. These cultures recognize more easily the mystery and paradox of all things human.

The True Self, who we objectively are in God, is prior and superior to any issues of gender, culture, or sexuality, which are all “accidental” to one’s foundational core as a child of God. This is why it is pure heresy to call a transgendered, gay or lesbian person “Intrinsically disordered.” The intrinsic foundation of the human person is given by God and untouchable by any human intervention whatsoever. Gender is a combination of biology, psychology and personal history, which are all good and necessary entrance points to the temple, but spirituality is learning how to live in the temple itself (1 Corinthians 3:16-17). What makes spirituality precisely “spiritual” is that it connects us with the Core and the Center, not just the circumference; with the essence and not just the accidents.

 

[Lady_Love]

I don’t think her mother should alienate her daughter. Actually, she should try to spend a lot more quality time with her, doing things her daughter likes and asking her daughter questions about herself, open communication. I listened to a psychologist suggest that women are lesbian often because they desire intimacy with the same-sex parent, longing to connect with their femininity or due to abuse from a man, making the woman a safer option.

I think you might want to look into these few things. But the last thing you want to do is alienate your daughter.

 

[hannajomar]

I agree have them in your home. If she was shacking up with a boyfriend, you wouldn’t like it, but I imagine you would invite him to Christmas dinner as her guest.

As far as what to do if/when they sleep over? I’m wondering if there’s a way to charitably ask them to stay in separate rooms. Something like, “We love both of you. Would you mind staying in separate rooms for our sake?” We need to make it clear that we love our gay family members, and that we will not pretend to agree with something that we don’t. If I was staying in someone’s home, I would try to respect their religious practices even if I didn’t practice them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

1. Trying to dictate to your wife the kind of relationship that you guys will have with her daughter and her daughter’s partner is brutish. That is her daughter and she has the most invested in this, so you really need to start listening to her and considering her feelings more than you need to worry about a ‘slippery slope’.
2. I agree with everyone else, they should get a hotel room. I actually think that adult children should always get a hotel room when they visit though (when they are out of college and really on their own). Adults need space and privacy and visits usually go a lot smoother if everyone has their own corners to retreat to at the end of a long day. (And no one wants 8 people sharing 1 bathroom!)
3. You and your wife are going to need to go to counseling to make sure that communication is good between you and that you are both emotionally ready for any fallouts that could occur. It is a very real possibility that while she may agree to sleep in separate rooms or not show any affection that she will over time find people that do fully accept her and the family that she wants to build and drift away from you and your wife. That’s normal.

Think of it this way. When my fiance and I visit his parents we get a hotel room. They don’t want us to sleep in the same room and they try to keep us from being alone together at all, so most of our important conversations at their place happen via text because we get no privacy. We’ve been living together for quite some time now, but we humor this because his family is sweet and we know that in a couple of months when we are married they will stop trying to make it clear to us that our relationship doesn’t completely count and start recognizing that we are every bit as much of a family as they are. But lets say that for some reason there wasn’t a way that we could get them to acknowledge that our relationship was real and that we were starting a family. Even if we didn’t hold any anger or resentment over their attitudes there is a good chance that over time we would start spending more and more time with my family, we might start doing holidays with close friends instead of traveling to see them, our kids would be far closer to my parents and siblings than his. (If they were around his family much at all. I probably wouldn’t have my kids around people who didn’t regard us as a real and complete family). These are things that you and your wife need to be ready for. And you need to be ready for the fact that when she looks ahead and sees the possibility that she may not have the relationship with her future grandkids that she had hoped for, she may fight you harder.

 

[Biblepoe]

She used to be attracted to guys in high school

A LOT of homosexuals fake being straight in high school due to fear of repercussions until they graduate and live on their own. After all, many homosexual teens risk their relationship with their parents and, in extreme cases, may even be thrown out of the house and become homeless. You say that your daughter is 19, so my guess would be that she recently moved out (is that the case?). If that is the case, she may be coming out now after having faked being attracted to guys in high school because she feels safer coming out now.

She used to be attracted to guys in high school, but since she is very tall, and doesnt fit into a size 4-6, she didn’t get much attention from them. I feel she chose this path due to a lack of intimacy (understandable).

People aren’t attracted to others of the same-sex due to lack of intimacy.

In the homosexual person we have the image of the masculine and the feminine put together in one person.

You make some good points, but I feel this stereotype needs to be addressed. Being homosexual does not mean that one is either particularly masculine and/or feminine. I am a gay man who was a first-team all-league offensive tackle for my high school football team, which is something a feminine person would be unlikely to pursue.

 

[Catholic80]

Hi,

I’m Catholic. My wife is Christian, but Methodist. My youngest step-daughter (19) came out like 3 months ago. While my wife also agrees that homosexuality is wrong, she very much wants to maintain her relationship with her kid. She is willing to meet and socialize with my step-daughter’s girlfriend, so long as no inappropriate conduct is displayed in front of us. My position is that while I love my step-daughter and want to spend time with her, that I in no way want to see her girlfriend in our presence. I feel that that would be “going along with it”, and giving tacit approval. My step-daughter doesn’t seem to want to accept these parameters - more or less saying that if you don’t basically accept my lifestyle, then you won’t be having a relationship with me. Now as the holidays approach we want to have both step-daughters come and visit, but my wife and I’s different positions on this matter is causing a major marital conflict. We are close to splitting up. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks

Well, having struggled with SSA and yet being very much against it at the same time, I can tell you that from my personal experience, the disordered attraction comes from deep seeded wounds, an abusive family background, and an incredible longing for a compassionate and understanding mother figure.

I’m not saying that every lesbian experiences this, but many do suffer from deep emotional wounds that they themselves may not recognize. This is where you can be compassionate to your stepdaughter. If she is coming from a broken family, already right there, there is a lot of wounds and pain she may be struggling with. Fighting her on it will not help matters one bit.

You cannot change her. But you can love her and set boundaries. You can allow her to bring her friend, but not allow them to sleep in the same bedroom, for instance. In this way, you are allowing her freedom and respecting her as a free adult, but you are also asking her to respect your boundaries and freedom by not going against your wishes and beliefs in your house.

If your daughter smoked, for instance, you would ask her to smoke outside if your house was a smoke-free home. Likewise, you could invite her and her “friend” into your home (there is nothing wrong with that… Christ welcomed all sorts) but you can be gently firm in your resolution to not allow her to behave immorally in your house or presence (no kissing, sharing a room, etc.)

You can offer her REAL love and compassion that she is needing, and even offer it to her friend. Treat them with the utmost respect and kindness while still setting boundaries.

 

[tskrobacz]

You make some good points, but I feel this stereotype needs to be addressed. Being homosexual does not mean that one is either particularly masculine and/or feminine. I am a gay man who was a first-team all-league offensive tackle for my high school football team, which is something a feminine person would be unlikely to pursue.

The integration of our masculine and feminine side is something all people must cope with, heterosexual or homosexual. Among my friends I have some male friends that are noticeably feminine and some female friends that are noticeably masculine. When this occurs, as I noted previously, it is something society tends to fear because it is not commonly understood or accepted. The stereotype is that men are “masculine” and women are “feminine”…clearly that is not universally true.