Stepdaughters and my feelings

[love4sure]

I am engaged to this man I truly love. We are both struggling catholics and love our faith. He has 2 daughters (one from the first civil marriage and another with ex-gf). He has full custidy of the first and joint custidy of the second. The younger one comes to his house 3 days during a week and 3 days over one weekend of each month. I have never been married nor have kids. I have moved to this country several years ago and live by myself. I’ve been working fulltime and going to college at the same time.

I love his daughters as mine and we do family stuff whenever we get a chance. The girls seem to like me and want to do things with me when they are in a good mood. When they are crying or sick, all they want is their daddy. That’s fine. When I’m sitting with my fiance, the girls come between us and push me away. That’s fine too. I don’t fight them over him. I wait.

But to be honest, it’s getting very hard. It’s hard to be rejected by his daughters and him (when his girls demand attention from him) all the time. I’m jealous of the girls because they are my fiance’s priority. I understand they’re little and need extra care. But it seems like my time alone with him never comes. I’m jealous of him because he never gets rejected by anyone in this relationship and he doesn’t understand my feelings. I’m jealous of his exes because he once loved them enough to create life. It’s extremely difficult to hold back my emotions and act as a responsible adult around the kids when they look so much like their moms.

I’m frustrated because this is not what I want to feel. As a Catholic Cristian, I am failing. I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel. I don’t want to give up on this relationship because I truly believe God brought all of us together for a reason…

Sorry it’s very long…but if you’re in a similar situation or have suggestions, please respond. Thanks…

 

[love4sure]

I am engaged to this man I truly love. We are both struggling catholics and love our faith. He has 2 daughters (one from the first civil marriage and another with ex-gf). He has full custidy of the first and joint custidy of the second. The younger one comes to his house 3 days during a week and 3 days over one weekend of each month. I have never been married nor have kids. I have moved to this country several years ago and live by myself. I’ve been working fulltime and going to college at the same time.

I love his daughters as mine and we do family stuff whenever we get a chance. The girls seem to like me and want to do things with me when they are in a good mood. When they are crying or sick, all they want is their daddy. That’s fine. When I’m sitting with my fiance, the girls come between us and push me away. That’s fine too. I don’t fight them over him. I wait.

But to be honest, it’s getting very hard. It’s hard to be rejected by his daughters and him (when his girls demand attention from him) all the time. I’m jealous of the girls because they are my fiance’s priority. I understand they’re little and need extra care. But it seems like my time alone with him never comes. I’m jealous of him because he never gets rejected by anyone in this relationship and he doesn’t understand my feelings. I’m jealous of his exes because he once loved them enough to create life. It’s extremely difficult to hold back my emotions and act as a responsible adult around the kids when they look so much like their moms.

I’m frustrated because this is not what I want to feel. As a Catholic Cristian, I am failing. I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel. I don’t want to give up on this relationship because I truly believe God brought all of us together for a reason…

Sorry it’s very long…but if you’re in a similar situation or have suggestions, please respond. Thanks…

 

[basilisk]

I’m jealous of the girls because they are my fiance’s priority.

Break the engagement. You are not ready to marry this man. His daughters SHOULD be his priority… you SHOULD come second. When you have the maturity and grace to not only accept that, but to love him for being such a dedicated and good father by putting them first, THEN you will be ready to marry him.

The girls should not have to live in a situation where their father’s wife sees them as competition. That is unfair and will lead to the ruination of all your lives. If their father rejects or neglects them in favor of you, that will have disastrous consequences for their lives. Plus, how could you love or respect a man who would do that? And how could you live with yourself if you succeeded in getting him to put you first, over his children?

And stop calling them your step-daughters. You are not married to their father yet. Perhaps part of the reason they push you away is because you are trying to force things…

I say this as the daughter who had to push dad’s girlfriends away to get his attention…

Edited to add: I just re-read the part about how you have a hard time controlling yourself because these girls look like their moms. Oh man… you SO need to step back from this. Even the slightest impulse to punish these girls because their mothers got something from your man that you don’t have is something you cannot allow to be on the loose. And eventually, you are going to lose that control and do or say something you will never be able to take back. Besides, you say “he once loved them enough to create life with them,” of the exes. You don’t know that’s true… As Dr. Laura would say, they might just have been “a warm place to put it” and children occurred without intention. Just because someone has a child with someone else does not mean there is any love between the two. I reiterate… I do not think you have an appropriate level of acceptance and maturity to make this family situation a healthy one should you proceed to marriage. And you THINK you love these girls like your own… wait until you have one of your own. The impulses you have now to compete, punish, and drive a wedge between these girls and their father will come back augmented by the desire to protect and promote your own child. You WILL do damage unless you back off and put in the time and effort to readjust your attitude now. You might still be able to marry him, but you can’t do it now, nor until you truly accept the status quo and then embrace it and love him for doing right by his girls. Not, I love him because he is such a great father… but, my love for him is made stronger by the fact that he will not compromise his commitment to his daughters even for me. Your fiance deserves that from any woman who might become his wife and affect his children so profoundly.

 

[Trishie]

I feel concerned for you if you proceed with this relationship. If you find it so difficult to cope with the situation and your feelings now as a fiancee, I can’t see marriage making things easier. This relationship doesn’t seem wholesome or life-giving to you as you have such strong painful reactions to relationships within this family, and you have such a strong sense of insecurity.

You say that your time alone with your fiance ‘never comes’. This is a serious flaw in your relationship. If your fiance doesn’t understand your need for quality time now, why would he when you are ‘the wife’. A marriage is primarily between a man and a woman. If he already has two major failed relationships prior to you I’d want to have clear understanding of why they failed and if that history is likely to be repeated.

Holding back your real feelings is likely to cause explosions later on. You may be attracted to this man but I hope and pray you don’t further commit to him without a realistic assessment. Attraction isn’t everything, and of not much comfort in an emotionally unhappy marriage.

I ask Jesus to be with you and the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and courage.

 

[whatevergirl]

I echo the advice from above…(above posters lol) And, I’ll also add…I’d proceed with EXTREME caution about marrying a man who makes babies with women, who he doesn’t intend on staying with for the long haul. That to me is a huge RED FLAG. One child or children to one relationship, fine. Not two broken relationships with children from different women.

RED RED CRIMSON RED FLAG.

I’d look for someone else. He sounds irresponsible, frankly despite the fact that he has sole custody of his first child…and you sound like you have your own issues with the whole thing. I won’t touch on those issues, except to say that maybe marrying a man who has kids from another life, isn’t a healthy thing for you.If you truly don’t want to have a life involving kids from other women…you don’t have to. TA DA. Problem solved. You are free to leave this relationship. Not every woman wishes to take on children from other relationships.

It might be hard to end things–but, it seems like it would be the best thing to do, given how you are feeling, and the situation he has created with his children.

He needs to concentrate on his kids, and stop dating/marrying/having babies with women. Sorry, I just can’t candy coat this one. I feel very sorry for his kids.

 

[basilisk]

Good points, WG. I was looking at it mostly from the kids perspective, but you are right about how this guy seems to make kids and then move on.

love4sure… I am sure when you marry, you would want to be that man’s wife for the rest of your life. With this guy, it seems like you’re risking ending up being Baby Mama #3.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am engaged to this man I truly love. We are both struggling catholics and love our faith. He has 2 daughters (one from the first civil marriage and another with ex-gf). He has full custidy of the first and joint custidy of the second. The younger one comes to his house 3 days during a week and 3 days over one weekend of each month. I have never been married nor have kids. I have moved to this country several years ago and live by myself. I’ve been working fulltime and going to college at the same time.

I love his daughters as mine and we do family stuff whenever we get a chance. The girls seem to like me and want to do things with me when they are in a good mood. When they are crying or sick, all they want is their daddy. That’s fine. When I’m sitting with my fiance, the girls come between us and push me away. That’s fine too. I don’t fight them over him. I wait.

But to be honest, it’s getting very hard. It’s hard to be rejected by his daughters and him (when his girls demand attention from him) all the time. I’m jealous of the girls because they are my fiance’s priority. I understand they’re little and need extra care. But it seems like my time alone with him never comes. I’m jealous of him because he never gets rejected by anyone in this relationship and he doesn’t understand my feelings. I’m jealous of his exes because he once loved them enough to create life. It’s extremely difficult to hold back my emotions and act as a responsible adult around the kids when they look so much like their moms.

I’m frustrated because this is not what I want to feel. As a Catholic Cristian, I am failing. I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel. I don’t want to give up on this relationship because I truly believe God brought all of us together for a reason…

Sorry it’s very long…but if you’re in a similar situation or have suggestions, please respond. Thanks…

that’s one of the reasons my mother wants me to remove my uterus…I am 29 so I still have a chance based on age to try and have more children, if GOD allows of course! So with this information and a new hubby I will want to have more children, she’s terrified of this! She’s afraid that my db whom will be dh soon, GOD willing, is going to mistreat my children as soon as he has one of his own, and that his family will mistreat my children as well as soon as I give them a new member of their family!

My db hasn’t been married nor has any children of his own, I will be his first wife, and my children his first children…he knows they come first no matter what! At first we were having difficulties and my kids still to this day, mostly my daughter will treat him unfairly but they are children and that’s not their father so they will act up once in a while…

he knows they come first, no matter what and I will leave him in a second if anything happens to my childre or if it seems that something can happen to them…I am not blind nor stupid and can sense when something is wrong with my babies…I am not blind nor in this relationship because I am desperate…On the contrary I love him and respect him and am trying to teach my children to respect him, just like they will have to respect their father’s wife…My db will be part of their family soon and even though he’s not their father will be my husband and a friend for them in case they ever need him to be! He treats my children as his own and yes sometimes he will get upset when my daughter will interfere or get between us and push him but I ask him for patience, children have a different way to express themselves than adults do…

But I wouldn’t tolerate him acting like a child because he’s upset with my kids…That’s ridiculous! No matter what my babies come first…I wish my ex would love his children the way your df loves his! You have no idea how much I pray that my ex would at least provide for his children in a monetary support since he isn’t nowhere around and I live with my children!!! They are still gettin used to db so obviously it’s going to take some time…

But if you are feeling this way then you shouldn’t be engaged nor married to this man. No matter what you need to put them first before you and before their father. Just like if you had your own children you will put them before you! So remember they came first just like with my db if I ever have children with him, if GOD allows, once we are married I will not put his blood children before my children, just because! I will make sure he understands this wayyy before any more children come because if he or his family ever mistreats my children I will leave him!! My babies come first no matter how many others come after them…I will not favor one or the other, I don’t treat my kids that way at all, so all my new children if GOD allows, will be treated the same way as my first borns…no matter what…but I will not tolerate anyone mistreating my first children just because…

So you need to rethink before moving forward with this man…Those children may or may not accept you ever, may or may not love you ever the point is that no matter what they will come first and even after you have children your children will come after the first born because those are his first born children and if you are married you are adopting those children as your own and then will be your first “born” as well…And they will be priority…You can’t tell your df hopefully soon your hubby, that you will take care of your children before taking care of those other children…That will never work!!

Good luck to you and best wishes! God bless!!!

 

[gmarie21]

If you want a good example of a step-mother on these forums, I would say that BlestOne would be #1 superb step-mom.

 

[love4sure]

Thank you for the quick responses. Your comments and prayers are truly appreciated.

To clarify my position…I call the girls my stepdaughters because I was asked by my fiance to accept them as mine. Plus our wedding is coming up so we thought “might as well we start the family now.”

Please don’t get me wrong. I love this guy because of the faith and the comitment he has for his daughters. I wouldn’t love him if he didn’t care about them. I don’t punish them. I wait and suggest them that they show respect. He supports me on this.

Yes, because I know it’s wrong to take my feelings out on them, I hold it back. And that is tearing me apart. I want to lose my emotions and give all to God and this family. But sometimes the feelings get in my way. I’m struggling and feel like the whole world is against me…

 

[gmarie21]

He should be the one telling them to show you respect, not you. This may a much bigger problem if he’s not doing his part. You’ll be in for a lot of headaches and heartaches if he is not discussing the issues with his girls.

 

[whatevergirl]

Not to pry, but just curious–why didn’t he marry the second daughter’s mom? I think this is why God wants us to stay in committed relationships (marriages) ESPECIALLY when children are involved. The heartache that everyone–the kids, the bio parents, the new spouses–has, can really be overwhelming.

I know that some marriages were never meant to be, but what is his reason for not marrying the second mother?

 

[whatevergirl]

He should be the one telling them to show you respect, not you. This may a much bigger problem if he’s not doing his part. You’ll be in for a lot of headaches and heartaches if he is not discussing the issues with his girls.

agreed. This has a big red flag wrapped all around it.

I know you love this man, love4sure, but the cliche is true–sometimes love is very blind. Make sure you really are ready for all of this. I have a feeling that there will be lots of drama that will come from being married to this man. Just my two cents. He also sounds like he is someone who needs a woman always in his life–another red flag. lol

 

[basilisk]

But see, then the problem creeps in of these girls feeling like the relationship is being forced.

I agree that the bio-parent should do the disciplining when needed… 100%!

BUT, future step-mom saying, “You need to show me respect,” and dad saying, “You will respect whats-her-name,” leads to major problems. Future step-mom is NOT a parent to these girls, and is not equivalent to a parent to these girls. I’ll bet you $100 that if I sat them down and talked to them heart to heart as a girl who lived through the same thing, they feel like this person is being forced on them. They don’t care if Daddy likes his new woman, and they don’t feel like they need another “mom.” They may show superficial respectfulness because they fear losing their father to the other woman in his life if they ever express their fear or negative feelings about the situation. If they get to be too big a pain in the neck, they fear he will choose her over them.

IF these girls like you, love4sure, and if they feel you are not a threat to them, then naturally over time, a friendship may develop. It will not be a friendship of equals, as you are an adult and they are children, but it will be a friendship. Out of that may grow true respect and love someday. But it cannot be something that is ordered out of them.

Kids are not stupid and they pick up on feelings extremely well. They know when you’re forcing the politeness. They feel you gritting your teeth, thinking, “When’s it my turn already?” Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine fearing you are losing your father. They are doing whatever they can think of to hold onto him. If they feel like they have to push you away to preserve their bond with their dad, they will do that. And no one can blame them.

People underestimate and do not respect how traumatic these things are for children.

You trying to force this, and him helping you, solves nothing. It will only cause the girls to have more fear, more resentment, and more reason to rebel against you and cling to him.

People don’t cling to things they feel absolute security about… do they?

 

[love4sure]

He did not get married because they broke up before it (they were going to do it civilly). Plus the gf wasn’t Catholic and didn’t have any intention of pursuing the faith.

He was also just getting back on track in terms of his faith when they had the second baby. But just not strong enough for him to stop his lust…?

We’ve gone to marriage retreat, NFP workshops, and bible study as a couple. We are in the state of grace as well.

Just FYI…

 

[lizaanne]

I can’t even scream this loud enough - **what in the world are you doing getting married??? **

You are in NO way ready to marry this man if you don’t realize that his children ARE his first priority.

Jealous that they look like their mothers? You have no idea how this makes me sick to my stomach because I have lived with a step-mother who has always been this way, since I was 10 years old (I’m now 44), and I KNOW how damaging this is.

Wow - you have no business getting married. Not right now at least. I certainly hope you are having very SERIOUS and OPEN conversations with your priest about all this.

I pray for these children.

~Liza

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Please, as the mother of daughters who had to compete for daddy’s time and attention with two fiancees and counting… step away from the man. Far away.

I see the other side. Angry daughters who are hurt because the man they’re supposed to take as their role model in life is going from one woman to the next. Their feelings don’t matter. And his ever younger fiancees don’t have the maturity to understand that the ex wife really wasn’t “crazy” and the kids need his attention.

Guess what? When wives and husbands sit on sofas with kids, kids have a way of getting in between natural mommy and daddy too. But natural mommy doesn’t take it personally.

If you can’t stand seeing the face of other women in the faces of these innocent children, don’t even think of proceeding with a wedding. Return the dress and go somewhere else for your fantasy.

I echo everything said above. The posters are right. Some women are called to fill a void and be a stepmother. You don’t seem to be one of them. And those children have had enough upheaval in their lives. They don’t need another temporary mother figure leaving their lives, and maybe taking a half sibling with them.

And children can smell a fraud a mile away. I promise you they immediately detect any resentment or hostility on your part, no matter how you think you are trying to hide it. And they respond in kind.

I don’t care what title he uses to make this all an instant family, just the comments you made make me think you’ll be tagged by them behind your back as “the wicked stepmother.”

You are not ready to mother anyone else’s children.

And by the way, not every man who makes a baby or a promise really has love in his heart when he does so. I question your judgment most of all jumping into a relationship with this man based on HIS behavior.

I’m frustrated because this is not what I want to feel. As a Catholic Cristian, I am failing. I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel. I don’t want to give up on this relationship because I truly believe God brought all of us together for a reason…

I don’t mean to be harsh, because you’ve been amazingly honest about your emotions. But you need to understand that any relationship that makes you feel like a failure, angry, guilty, ugly and alone,and you haven’t even walked down the aisle… that is NOT a relationship that brings out the best in you. A good relationship gives you peace.

God brought you into these people’s lives for a reason, yes, but maybe He didn’t mean for you to stay forever. Take some lessons and use them for the rest of your life. At this point in your life you seem to lack the patience and wisdom necessary for being in a stepfamily with exes in the background.

There are other fish in the sea. And you have an education to finish and a life of your own you need to lead. Good luck. But it sounds like the package deal is not for you.

 

[basilisk]

I don’t mean to be harsh, because you’ve been amazingly honest about your emotions. But you need to understand that any relationship that makes you feel like a failure, angry, guilty, ugly and alone,and you haven’t even walked down the aisle… that is NOT a relationship that brings out the best in you. A good relationship gives you peace.

love4sure, you REALLY should take Liberanosamalo’s words to heart. She is an absolute expert on these matters, and a very wise lady who has lived through more than most.

 

[Trishie]

You said you feel the world is against you.
As far as the girls who have responded to you, not a single one is against you. They’re circled around you wishing to protect you, because they see your unhappiness and the flags in your relationship. You are not in a wholesome place personally, and we need to be when we get married.

The choices you make for your life are your choices to make…but is there any chance you and your fiance can talk through the problems (perhaps with a professional) and come to a genuine understanding of how to make the relationship work for you all? He needs to know when is too far regarding the children and you.

“The best gift a man can give his children is respect for their mother” I don’t know who first said that, but it’s true.

 

[1ke]

**I disagree with everyone who says the children come first, step or biological. The marital relationship is primary. Always. **

Unfortunately, the dynamics in a broken family make it difficult for the children and the parents to express their proper family roles.

I don’t think you are wrong to want the kind of dymanics in the relationship that you express. But, realistically, you may not be able to have them. He may not be capable of giving to you what you need.

Not everyone is suited for step-parenting. If you love him and love his children, you can work hard to make a family. If you aren’t willing to do the extra work needed in this situation, then you should find someone who has no children and no ex-spouse.

I suggest you seek out Catholic resource for step-parenting. Check with your diocesan family life office.

 

[whatevergirl]

He did not get married because they broke up before it (they were going to do it civilly). Plus the gf wasn’t Catholic and didn’t have any intention of pursuing the faith.

Ok…I see. So, he was having sex outside of marriage, but judges someone else who is not Catholic? Ok.

He was also just getting back on track in terms of his faith when they had the second baby. But just not strong enough for him to stop his lust…?

Uh huh. Yeah. I think really more of the issue for you is that your fiance tells you one thing and then his past paints a very different picture. I don’t think he is a liar…I don’t know the guy. But, our actions speak louder than words, and I just sense that deep down, you really don’t feel special, and I don’t blame you–but now that you are asking for some insight, please don’t ignore our advice. Please…listen to Liberano. She is my hero, when it comes to giving advice like this. I know you are hurting. But, I’d really take a break from this man…think about things…you do not have to go through with this. Aside from the issues you have with his daughters, and those are big too–the biggest issue of all, is that this man goes from woman to woman, making babies. And it’s always probably the woman’s fault why he left them. I can believe one failed relationship, not two, where there are two different mommies. I just don’t see this being healthy for you, for the kids, for anyone. Prayers that you will find the strength to leave this situation. I don’t normally feel this strongly about telling someone to leave a relationship, but in this case, I really do.

We’ve gone to marriage retreat, NFP workshops, and bible study as a couple. We are in the state of grace as well.

That’s good…I would end this relationship though. Every situation we have, has a lesson to learn from it. I think you learned a lot. But, I would not want my daughter marrying a man who makes babies with women he doesn’t stay with. I just wouldn’t. I will keep you in my prayers…hugs

Just FYI…