Stepdaughters and my feelings

[BamaRider]

First welcome to the forums.

I read your post, but didn’t say how long you have been with this guy. Do you know the full story of his past relationships?

Everyone can turn his or her life around. Do you think he has done this by his actions and behavior?

Has he told you why he has 2 babies with 2 different mothers?

Does he have a steady job?

What about his extended family? Where are they in all this, and does he have a line of communication open to them?

What about his friends, what are they like?

How does he get along with the mothers of these babies? And do you have any conversation with those ladies?

Have you caught him being less then truthful in ANY situation?

Do you think there is stuff out there he *hasn’t *told you?

Follow your gut on these questions, your woman’s instinct will serve you well. God gave this to ladies, to help them weed out the riff raff, don’t dismiss it.

If the above questions can be answered postively then proceed with caution.

How long did y’all date before getting engaged? Long enought to answer the above?

Lets say ALL this works out, and your questions answered, I’d offer some of the best advice I was ever given by my dad a long time ago. “Never sign up with somebody that has MORE problems then YOU.”

Sit down and see if this is not the case, and go from there. In a marriage, do you see yourself negoitating a husband, 2 step children, 2 different mothers, and any kids y’all might have? Is that sumptin you really wanna do? Do you think HE is that good?

 

[basilisk]

1ke, there is no marital relationship. Are you saying this man should put a likely damaging potential marital relationship above the well-being of his children?

Parents have to put their needs second behind their children’s needs. The parents’ wants rank way lower. And getting married when one already has children from broken relationships is a want, not a need, and is vastly subordinate to the children’s needs and rights.

 

[BlestOne]

If you want a good example of a step-mother on these forums, I would say that BlestOne would be #1 superb step-mom.

Awwww you made me cry… that was soo sweet!

Love4Sure… I have to echo what the others have said…
Dad’s first priority is not you… it is his daughters… and if you can’t live with that… then you are not ready to marry.

Wouldn’t you want him to make “your” children a priority in his life? My step dd used to do the same thing you are describing… and I used to smile and remind myself that I was marrying a man that was an excellent daddy… it made me proud and happy to see how close they were. My own dd did the same thing with my dh when we were engaged… and he didn’t mind that either… it was a good indication that he could love my kids like his own… and I smiled some more…

Get the picture? If you are jealous then you aren’t ready to be married… cause it will happen even with your own kids!

 

[lizaanne]

**I disagree with everyone who says the children come first, step or biological. The marital relationship is primary. Always. **

I agree with this - but they are not married. They are dating. And when dating I believe the children should come first. Otherwise in a situation where a person dates several people, always putting the date first, could be quite damaging to the children. I don’t feel that engagement changes this, engagement is not a sacrament and is not permanant.

I feel strongly, based on the comments of the OP, that she is not in the right place emotionally or maturity, to be getting married. The fact that they are “in love” is not enough. In a blended family the issues are far wider and deeper than just loving each other.

Indeed - counseling of some sort is absolutely needed – BEFORE vows take place.

~Liza

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you, Mr. Bama.

 

[1ke]

1ke, there is no marital relationship. Are you saying this man should put a likely damaging potential marital relationship above the well-being of his children?

There will be a marital relationship very soon, if the OP moves forward. They have already completed their premarital preparation with their priest.

Parents have to put their needs second behind their children’s needs. The parents’ wants rank way lower.

I could not disagree more.

And getting married when one already has children from broken relationships is a want, not a need, and is vastly subordinate to the children’s needs and rights.

I disagree.

 

[whatevergirl]

wow…we really came at love4sure, like a stampede of buffalo …sorry about that, love4sure!!! We really just mean to help. I guess this topic just hits home for a lot of us.

My sister dated a man with three little kids. It was very difficult…not so much for her, but the kids. They didn’t like the whole situation…and like others have said, they know when something isn’t quite right.

I just wanted to let you know…that we didn’t mean to come on THAT strongly. lol Prayers going out to you and those sweet kids of your fiance.

 

[1ke]

I agree with this - but they are not married. They are dating.

OP stated they’d completed premarital preparation, so I don’t view it as “dating”. They are in the proximate preparation for marriage. That does make a difference.

And when dating I believe the children should come first. Otherwise in a situation where a person dates several people, always putting the date first, could be quite damaging to the children.

I agree, I don’t think a date should ever be introduced to children. Period. Not until there is a real, definite plan for marriage.

I don’t feel that engagement changes this, engagement is not a sacrament and is not permanant.

Yes, and no. I agree that it is not the same as marriage, and since they are not married the children are his priority. BUT, if he plans to continue down that same path-- and he likely will-- after marriage… then there is a huge problem because the spouse is primary.

I feel strongly, based on the comments of the OP, that she is not in the right place emotionally or maturity, to be getting married. The fact that they are “in love” is not enough. In a blended family the issues are far wider and deeper than just loving each other.

Indeed - counseling of some sort is absolutely needed – BEFORE vows take place.

~Liza

I agree completely.

 

[whatevergirl]

There will be a marital relationship very soon, if the OP moves forward. They have already completed their premarital preparation with their priest.

I could not disagree more.

I disagree.

On the last point 1ke…wow, I’m surprised you disagree…please tell us why? I would have thought you would not be supportive of a marriage with a man who keeps making babies with women he doesn’t stay commited to.

 

[whatevergirl]

OP stated they’d completed premarital preparation, so I don’t view it as “dating”. They are in the proximate preparation for marriage. That does make a difference.

I agree, I don’t think a date should ever be introduced to children. Period. Not until there is a real, definite plan for marriage.

Yes, and no. I agree that it is not the same as marriage, and since they are not married the children are his priority. BUT, if he plans to continue down that same path-- and he likely will-- after marriage… then there is a huge problem because the spouse is primary.

I agree completely.

The kids had no say in all of this though. While in a normal scenario, I think the spouse should always come first…because the kids learn from seeing a healthy and stable marriage. But, the kids know this isn’t their mother. Not that it can’t work out, but two kids from two separate moms, now being introduced to yet another ‘mother?’ It just seems to be robbing these kids of a genuine childhood. I think that the kids should come first to an extent…not abandoning or ignoring the new spouse…but he made these kids, and they have been through enough, without now being pushed aside for yet another woman. I don’t think this fits the typical mold of marriage, 1ke. Not with two different mothers involved. Just my two cents.

 

[Ramalama]

Maybe I missed it, but how old are the children? If they’re 16 and 17, this is a relatively short term situation. If they’re 5 and 6, you’re in for at least a decade of lots of trouble!

 

[The_Smiter]

I am engaged to this man I truly love. We are both struggling catholics and love our faith. He has 2 daughters (one from the first civil marriage and another with ex-gf). He has full custidy of the first and joint custidy of the second. The younger one comes to his house 3 days during a week and 3 days over one weekend of each month. I have never been married nor have kids. I have moved to this country several years ago and live by myself. I’ve been working fulltime and going to college at the same time.

I love his daughters as mine and we do family stuff whenever we get a chance. The girls seem to like me and want to do things with me when they are in a good mood. When they are crying or sick, all they want is their daddy. That’s fine. When I’m sitting with my fiance, the girls come between us and push me away. That’s fine too. I don’t fight them over him. I wait.

But to be honest, it’s getting very hard. It’s hard to be rejected by his daughters and him (when his girls demand attention from him) all the time. I’m jealous of the girls because they are my fiance’s priority. I understand they’re little and need extra care. But it seems like my time alone with him never comes. I’m jealous of him because he never gets rejected by anyone in this relationship and he doesn’t understand my feelings. I’m jealous of his exes because he once loved them enough to create life. It’s extremely difficult to hold back my emotions and act as a responsible adult around the kids when they look so much like their moms.

I’m frustrated because this is not what I want to feel. As a Catholic Cristian, I am failing. I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel. I don’t want to give up on this relationship because I truly believe God brought all of us together for a reason…

Sorry it’s very long…but if you’re in a similar situation or have suggestions, please respond. Thanks…

You have gotten a lot of good advice already. You should listen to it.

I was in this situation and have endured through marriage as first a stepfather and then an adoptive father. There are troubles enough to be encountered when both spouses (which you are not evben one yet) are in sync (whioch I believe me and my wife were). But when one spouse (your boyfriend in this situation) is as irresponsible as he has been with procreation and marriage - this does not bode well for you.

Listen to all of the other posters. This is not a ghood situation for the girls and certainly not you. You will be setting yourself up for your own marriage troubles in the future and if you were to have children, his track record is not one that inspires confidence that he will be a full-time father to your children (how can he be when he has already shown that such a thing is not a priority for him?).

Pray and act. You should listen to your head and not your heart in this situation. You heart will betray you because of your obvious compassion and love. This man is UNAVAILABLE for a relationship with you. Seek one who is and get on track with your life - the one that God has planned for you and not the one you have cobbled together for yourself.

I do not mean to be harsh, but my experience has shown me that women in your situation truly do need a wake-up call. I am the proud father of daughters and would advise them exactly as I have you if the situation were presented.

Good luck and I will pray for you.

 

[SMHW]

I really have to echo the words of those who think you should NOT marry this man. At least not now. But let me elaborate.

Let’s just make the assumption that your fiance is (now) a good Catholic man who has matured and wants to live a good Catholic life and do right by his daughters and a wife. Let’s say that you are a normal young Catholic woman who cares for the girls and looks forward to a Catholic marriage. Let’s assume that these are nice, decent girls who are relatively well adjusted.

You are still asking for a lot of trouble. I don’t think it’s immoral to marry this man now. I just think it’s extremely unwise.

Your fiance comes with a “physical challenge”. If you were planning to marry someone who had a disability you’d have to accept that you have to give up some of the things a man without the disability could do for you. For the next few years this man lacks the ability to make his wife the number one woman in his life. It would be morally wrong for him to try to do so.

It’s normal for a woman to want her husband to make her the number one woman in his life. God created women that way. A woman brings out the best in a man when she communicates her need to be the number one woman in his life.

You are looking at being number three.

When a husband demonstrates love and affection to his offspring a healthy mother feels like it is being done for her. When a wife demonstrates love and affection for her children, the healthy father feels like she does it for him. While normal children will tend to take whatever they can get from their parents they generally take comfort from their parents’ affection for each other.

I can only assume that you and your fiance care for each other. And I think you care for the girls and they probably care for you. But you are all planning to put each other in a situation where you will likely experience emotions that hinder rather than help marriage and family. There are enough such circumstances that befall families after the marriage. Why would you want to deliberately start a marriage with them?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I can only feel your pain at this point, having been in your shoes, and your fiance’s.

I would follow Bama Rider’s advice.

And remember- You can always stop a wedding, even if it means a little pain in the pocketbook. You might have to eat a really big cake, pay a DJ or band for no work, and have a really great dress that maybe you can wear some other time, perhaps even to marry this man later on, when you are more sure of things.

But if you run into the marriage just because the date has been set, and end up divorcing this man because the girls cause too much trouble and look like their mothers, and you don’t think your then-husband is giving you enough attention; you will be hurting yourself, the man you married, and those two little girls. Do you want that on your conscience?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I agree, I don’t think a date should ever be introduced to children. Period. Not until there is a real, definite plan for marriage.

Oh, I couldn’t disagree more. I’ve seen how children react when daddy springs his new fiancee on them and they only met her three times. I can’t imagine how they’d react if he brought in a complete stranger and they had no idea and they were told “Meet your new step-mother to be.”

BAD idea! BAD BAD BAD! It gives no time for children to even know if they like the woman or man, or to observe her or him around the kids.

 

[love4sure]

First of all, thank you all for taking time to respond to my post. I am really overwhelmed with the responses I’m getting. I read all of the comments and take them to my heart. I am very sorry if any of my comments made you feel disgusted or uneasy. That’s never my intention.

I do not get disgusted by looking at the girls’ faces. I think they are the cutest things in the world and simply feel bad about my feelings.

*I really have to echo the words of those who think you should NOT marry this man. At least not now. But let me elaborate.

Let’s just make the assumption that your fiance is (now) a good Catholic man who has matured and wants to live a good Catholic life and do right by his daughters and a wife. Let’s say that you are a normal young Catholic woman who cares for the girls and looks forward to a Catholic marriage. Let’s assume that these are nice, decent girls who are relatively well adjusted.*]

Thank you for this comment. Your assumptions are all correct. Even the past year, I saw my fiance’s attitude towards the faith change a lot. We are trying to help each other to reach heaven. We go to church every Sunday with the oldest girl, pray rosary/Liturgy of the hour, and go to confession as a couple every month.

I’ll be honest because all of you are. It really hurts to hear what you have to say about this situation. I know how this man sounds and I may be blinded by love. I am aware of many things that have been said here. Thank you for sharing step-child’s point of view…that is something very valuable to hear.

 

[BlestOne]

Love… I sent you a PM…
I would like to help… been there done that…

 

[Califman831]

this is a prime example of the problems people create when they choose to have sex and children outside a christian marriage.

 

[udoc89]

You have been given excellent advice, and I am sorry if it pains you to hear it, but you must weigh your choices very carefully. If you cannot find the strength to call the wedding off, at least consider postponing it. Be honest with your husband-to-be. He should respect you for it.

You sound as though you would like to be approaching this marriage with a man who is as free as you are from other emotional emcumbrances. He is clearly not. In other words, it would be great if he hadn’t already practiced being married—twice. He has these two little people he co-created. They are not going away, and you may find yourself with primary responsibility for the little one after you are married. Will you be a stay-at-home wife? Will you be expected to take care of the baby the same way a biological mother would? It can only get worse once you are married. Those little ones are going to be in your face a lot more than they are now, and your future husband may expect you to take on more of their care than he does now. If your feelings about them are ambivalent, and they obviously are, having to deal with them on a day-to-day basis will not be easy. Do yourself and those little ones a giant favor and give yourself some time to reconsider.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I have a feeling all the advice you have been given is not exactly what you were hoping to hear, but I would like to see you spared more heartache than you can possibly imagine, if you proceed with this marriage just now.

 

[udoc89]

One more thing I forgot to add. You have every right to expect your husband to put you first in your marriage–just not this man. His children need him more than you do. Maybe they will be exactly what he needs to grow up himself.

Good luck and God Bless!