Stepdaughters and my feelings

[Liberanosamalo]

Udoc is absolutely correct. If you can’t call off the wedding, postpone it.

Something else that hasn’t been said…yet. You are about to get married to a man you claim is wonderful. Yet you are sharing with us here on this board, complete strangers, thoughts that you should be sharing with him.

If your relationship isn’t such that you can’t be as honest with him right now as you are with us, then you have serious relationship work to do.

Are you afraid if you are honest, he’ll say goodbye? Better find that out now, and not in the midst of a fight when you are angry and tired and he is less than helpful and out of your mouth come all of the feelings you just expressed to us.

Then he will react. And it won’t go well.

The time to let him know how you feel is in quiet and peace and with a referee to help you understand whether or not you should be tying the knot.

Have you been half as honest with the poor priest who is doing your marriage prep? I hate to tell you how demoralizing it is to priests to do weddings and then within a few years they fall apart.

One of them once joked that they preferred to do funerals, because at least the dead people stayed dead.

What’s the rush to the altar? Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

 

[babesinarms]

First of all, thank you all for taking time to respond to my post. I am really overwhelmed with the responses I’m getting. I read all of the comments and take them to my heart. I am very sorry if any of my comments made you feel disgusted or uneasy. That’s never my intention.

I do not get disgusted by looking at the girls’ faces. I think they are the cutest things in the world and simply feel bad about my feelings.

*I really have to echo the words of those who think you should NOT marry this man. At least not now. But let me elaborate.

Let’s just make the assumption that your fiance is (now) a good Catholic man who has matured and wants to live a good Catholic life and do right by his daughters and a wife. Let’s say that you are a normal young Catholic woman who cares for the girls and looks forward to a Catholic marriage. Let’s assume that these are nice, decent girls who are relatively well adjusted.*]

Thank you for this comment. Your assumptions are all correct. Even the past year, I saw my fiance’s attitude towards the faith change a lot. We are trying to help each other to reach heaven. We go to church every Sunday with the oldest girl, pray rosary/Liturgy of the hour, and go to confession as a couple every month.

I’ll be honest because all of you are. It really hurts to hear what you have to say about this situation. I know how this man sounds and I may be blinded by love. I am aware of many things that have been said here. Thank you for sharing step-child’s point of view…that is something very valuable to hear.

This is what I honestly thought after reading your OP. It is very difficult to explain ***all ***personal details about your relationship in just a series of posts. Even though I would be concerned with any pre-relationships and children that have come from this, I applaud your fiance on taking responsibility for his share of custody and your openness to receiving these children in your life. You both appear to be attempting to reconcile your faith with God - that will would always have to be the first priority in your relationship with each other if you want a base from which to work.

From your perspective, you seem to be asking for advice on how to handle this blended situation. Life is never perfectly packaged otherwise we wouldn’t need God! If you honestly want this to work, I would see that you need to get some parenting advice, having had no children of your own. Even when we have our own children, they do not come with a set of instructions and we just have to wade through all of the issues as they come about - this forum is testament to that. Because we are female and/or a mother, sometimes it is assumed that we automatically know how to parent - this is so not true. There is often an instinct that comes along, but a lot of it is learned. So my best advice I could give to you is to seek professional help in this regard, as it sounds like you could really do with that kind of help if you want to find peace about this issue - it will take time for all to adjust, and so therefore, in the meantime, I would recommend you deal with this first, well before any plans of marriage take place. Then you will have some better idea of what this is going to involve,

Prayers for your journey - and for your fiance and children!

 

[Trishie]

When I’m sitting with my fiance, the girls come between us and push me away. That’s fine too. I don’t fight them over him. I wait.

…
I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel. I don’t want to give up on this relationship because I truly believe God brought all of us together for a reason…

Your fiance should teach the girl compassion for other’s feelings by making these occasions inclusive, by gently including you so that the girls know it’s not ok to be unkind to anyone.

 

[Trishie]

When I’m sitting with my fiance, the girls come between us and push me away. That’s fine too. I don’t fight them over him. I wait…

I’m frustrated because this is not what I want to feel. As a Catholic Cristian, I am failing. I feel angy, guilty, ugly, and alone. I ask God to take away my anxiety and jealousy but I’m crying alone everyday because of how I feel…

Your fiance should teach the girl compassion for other’s feelings by making these occasions inclusive, by gently including you so that the girls know it’s not ok to be unkind to anyone.

I really hope that you’ll work on your self esteem. To see yourself as ugly is to abuse yourself. Any of us who have insecurity issues from our nature or experience will understand the natural jealousies that you feel, but the degree to which you feel them is of concern because they undermine you too deeply and threaten to cause issues in any marriage.

Your fiance has a responsibility to ensure that the girls are respectful and kind,
and you have the responsibility to rejoice in the beautiful child of God that you really are!

Darling, if you’re crying every day now before you’re married!

You do need to do some growing within yourself. Please seek what help you can to develop yourself into wholeness. You might like to find some books that help with healthy self esteem.
I ask the Lord to bless and guide you, to help you heal;
and to help your fiance become lastingly more sensitive to your needs

 

[whatevergirl]

First of all, thank you all for taking time to respond to my post. I am really overwhelmed with the responses I’m getting. I read all of the comments and take them to my heart. I am very sorry if any of my comments made you feel disgusted or uneasy. That’s never my intention.

I do not get disgusted by looking at the girls’ faces. I think they are the cutest things in the world and simply feel bad about my feelings.

*I really have to echo the words of those who think you should NOT marry this man. At least not now. But let me elaborate.

Let’s just make the assumption that your fiance is (now) a good Catholic man who has matured and wants to live a good Catholic life and do right by his daughters and a wife. Let’s say that you are a normal young Catholic woman who cares for the girls and looks forward to a Catholic marriage. Let’s assume that these are nice, decent girls who are relatively well adjusted.*]

Thank you for this comment. Your assumptions are all correct. Even the past year, I saw my fiance’s attitude towards the faith change a lot. We are trying to help each other to reach heaven. We go to church every Sunday with the oldest girl, pray rosary/Liturgy of the hour, and go to confession as a couple every month.

I’ll be honest because all of you are. It really hurts to hear what you have to say about this situation. I know how this man sounds and I may be blinded by love. I am aware of many things that have been said here. Thank you for sharing step-child’s point of view…that is something very valuable to hear.
Hi love4sure;

People can change. I wasn’t a great wife for a few bumpy years, and then immersing myself back into my Catholic faith…it’s like Jesus created me anew. Really, it most certainly can happen. I owe it all to Christ. If you bf/fiance surrenders everything to Christ…then, he certainly can change, too.

BUT…(there’s always a but) My concern is why he didn’t marry the second girl’s mother. And his reasons, or excuses. That just doesn’t make sense. Yes, people can change, and maybe being together with you, has caused him to explore his faith in greater detail. That is a very good thing. I know you love him. I’m sure he loves you, too. But, know that you will have not one ex, but two women in your life from his past…if you decide to marry him. Holidays will always be confusing and chaotic. Not if there were just the marriage, but the fact that there is another mama in the pic–you will have that to deal with.

Kids that go through divorce are not as resiliant as people think. Doesn’t mean that there are not kids that have gone through divorce who are thriving and well adjusted…there are plenty. You can be a great role model for them, if you decide to marry their dad. But, again, this situation brings with it a lot of ‘stuff.’

I personally hope you just seriously think about everything said here, and I’ll be praying for you. Life can sometimes be hard…but it’s when we make it harder that is the worst. lol

God be with you and may He richly bless you this Advent season.

 

[love4sure]

Thank you all for the comments and prayers again. I can’t stop crying now…

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve talked to my fiance about this situation a number of times. He validated my feelings and recognized my frustration. He and I both know the mistakes he made in the past. But I don’t wish that he hadn’t made those mistakes. His past is what made him who he is now. Above all, those beautiful girls came out of the “mistakes” (Please know that we don’t call the girls mistakes)."

I called my priest and let him know that I’m considering postponing the wedding. I am going to talk to him tomorrow.

Since I left his house on Sunday, I haven’t heard from my fiance…haha I am really lonely.

 

[noclevername]

I would like to post from a different perspective. I use to be one of your soon to be stepdaughters. My dad married a woman who had three of her own children but she never really accepted me. Like you she tried but she never really liked me and I know it’s because I was (still am) always a reminder to her that he had a relationship with my mother. I was treated differently, they didn’t think I was as smart as the rest of them (I proved that wrong), and I was always insecure around her. It’s really hard for me to put into words how it made me feel growing up but it was really hard. Her mother (my stepgrandmother) didn’t like me either. One time at Christmas when I was about 13, the grandmother put place cards on the dining room table for everyone but me. They forgot to set a place for me at the table. My 15 year old sister’s boyfriend even had a place card but I didn’t. My stepmother had helped her put the cards out so she knew too. I don’t know if it was intentional or not but the fact that I was “forgotten” really really hurt my feelings. Later in life she quit talking to me for 10 years. NOt sure what I did. She talks to me now but I don’t trust her. But it was things like that all my life that made me really understand that she didn’t like me. She tried to be nice and accepting at first but she really wasn’t.

I cringe when I hear about women who tell me they don’t like their husband’s children but they love their husband so that’s why they married him. I know how I felt having a stepmother who never really accepted me and it hurts, it hurts a lot and it still does. (I’m 37) And I am a very insecure person when it comes to relationships. I always feel like the person in my life will get tired of me and leave me.

Anyway, please please think of these kids and don’t let them end up feeling like I did growing up.

 

[whatevergirl]

Postponing the wedding might be best for now. I am happy that your fiance seemed understanding. Just know, God will never lead you both astray. Trust in Him, and all will be well.

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[noclevername]

I agree with what WG just said. I must have been typing my response the same time you were. Good luck!

 

[Trishie]

It sounds like you’ve already entered into the process of healing both yourself and your relationship.

In having the courage to post your problems you have found many who support you in our words and prayers.

Kepp in touch with us by post or Prviate Message while you’re dealing with things.

God bless you and all involved.

Warmly, Trishie

 

[whatevergirl]

We must be in sync tonight, noclever.

 

[1ke]

On the last point 1ke…wow, I’m surprised you disagree…please tell us why? I would have thought you would not be supportive of a marriage with a man who keeps making babies with women he doesn’t stay commited to.

I was disagreeing with the idea that in a nuclear family the spouses come first but in a divorce situation the kids come first.

If a divorced person with a decree of nullity contracts a new marriage, the spouses are primary and the family flows from that unity and that primacy.

The divorce situation adds complexity, but it should not change the dynamic of husband and wife.

I was not agreeing or disagreeing with the man’s situation of having had 2 prior relationships which produced children.

It sounds like he has moved away from that lifestyle and desires a sacramental marriage. But, we only know what’s been written.

I am a child who has had 3 step mothers with assorted girlfriends/live-ins in between, 1 step father, 3 half siblings, and 3 step siblings over 40 years. So, your mileage may vary. My answers come from my own lived experience.

 

[love4sure]

I was disagreeing with the idea that in a nuclear family the spouses come first but in a divorce situation the kids come first.

If a divorced person with a decree of nullity contracts a new marriage, the spouses are primary and the family flows from that unity and that primacy.

The divorce situation adds complexity, but it should not change the dynamic of husband and wife.

I was not agreeing or disagreeing with the man’s situation of having had 2 prior relationships which produced children.

It sounds like he has moved away from that lifestyle and desires a sacramental marriage. But, we only know what’s been written.

I am a child who has had 3 step mothers with assorted girlfriends/live-ins in between, 1 step father, 3 half siblings, and 3 step siblings over 40 years. So, your mileage may vary. My answers come from my own lived experience.

The quote in red is exactly what my fiance and I learned in the marriage retreat. That might be why I expect him to respect me and show me affection more than he does now. But maybe I was asking too much from him. Considering my reactions and emotiongs evolved around my fiance’s kids, obviously, I’m not ready to marry him. Because of the broken relationships my fiance and his kids experienced (and are still facing), we wanted to make ours strong. With the strong foundation (=Catholic teaching), our faith, and love for each other, we thought it would work.We thought it’d be better for us to be together as a married couple also because the kids need to see a strong marriage bond. We wanted to avoid leaving the kids hanging and making them not sure of my position. All we wanted was the best for the kids…

 

[KCtheMommy]

Marry somebody else.

 

[noclevername]

I hope folks won’t think I’m harsh for what I’m about to post but I’m going to post anyway.

First of all, let me say I love kids, I would love to have my own. But when I was dating, I dated one man who had a kid. That is when I learned that I cannot date men who have kids. The reason is one, I was a stepchild who had a stepmother who didnt like me and it was awful and I don’t want to even subconsciously do to another kid what was done to me. And two, I could never get past his relationship with his exwife. They remained close for the child’s sake and they would go together to see Santa, parent teacher’s conferences, trick or treating, etc. I don’t know if that’s the norm or not but I realized that I couldn’t deal with it so I decided that I wouldn’t date a man with kids. I’m 37 and it’s hard to find a man without kids who meets all of my “must have criteria” (well, it’s not much, mostly no drugs, only occasional drinking, has a job and supports himself), but they are out there. I am dating a wonderful man right now.

 

[bett_ur_kidding]

Maybe I missed it, but how old are the children? If they’re 16 and 17, this is a relatively short term situation. If they’re 5 and 6, you’re in for at least a decade of lots of trouble!

I think that children are priority. My husband’s daughter was three when I first met him and six when we married. She lives about 5 hours from where we live. She has never accepted me. she will turn 19 tomorrow and she still hates me. I would of loved for her to be a part of my life. she looks exactly like my husband. I wouldn’t care if she looked like his ex-girlfriend. She has his blood and I love her. I’m still hoping for the day that we can sit down and talk. Let me say this, the ex will always be in the picture no matter what. I speak from experience. My husbands ex still decides everything for her and she’s 19.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And that’s also a problem… the ex is still in the picture. I hate that word, by the way.

I’m an ex… an ex what? Ex Person? I’m NOT an ex mother. But women who date men with kids resent that just because a man can’t keep a promise doesn’t mean I should lose MY kids. I gave birth to them, he didn’t! And a lot of these men claim to love their kids and they are the world to them, but that’s a lot of show. In my case, nonh used the kids to portray himself as a kind man who was trying to raise them alone, trying to attract the kind of woman who would be a caretaker for them and him (most of all.)

Right now my nonhusband is supposed to be having his Wednesday night with two of my kids. One is off at her boyfriend’s house and will be there till about 11:30. The grandmother has no authority to call her home in that house. The other is angry and sitting over there alone doing homework. And where is daddy? Every night he disappears for several hours to go off with his next girlfriend. So much for “devoted.” He will probably be home reeking of liquor long after the kids are asleep.

I bring this up because my kids are suffering from his lack of attention, and I am relegated to an “ex” status. But I’m not out with anyone. I’d rather be with my kids. Yet too many women dating men with children act like the children’s mother has no rights. She’s this horrible person who insists on being involved in her children’s lives. Imagine that! How dare she not get out of the way so the man can make a new life with someone else and take the kids with him. Kids can also sense very quickly the people who hold their mother in contempt. Some don’t like it.

And by the way, I’m not an ex wife. I’m a Never Was Wife, according to the Church.

To the OP, I’m curious why it’s Wednesday and you haven’t heard from your fiance since you left his house Sunday. Is this all part of the problem? Is this how he treated the other women in his life?

 

[1ke]

The quote in red is exactly what my fiance and I learned in the marriage retreat. That might be why I expect him to respect me and show me affection more than he does now. But maybe I was asking too much from him. Considering my reactions and emotiongs evolved around my fiance’s kids, obviously, I’m not ready to marry him. Because of the broken relationships my fiance and his kids experienced (and are still facing), we wanted to make ours strong. With the strong foundation (=Catholic teaching), our faith, and love for each other, we thought it would work.We thought it’d be better for us to be together as a married couple also because the kids need to see a strong marriage bond. We wanted to avoid leaving the kids hanging and making them not sure of my position. All we wanted was the best for the kids…

Then keep talking and keep working through it.

It has to be dealt with, but it can be. If he is really committed to you, then he will work on these areas. If he is committed to the Catholic faith, he will work on these areas.

Just don’t have rose colored glasses on where he is concerend, he may not be ready to commit to a marriage. If he really feels he needs to put the kids first and focus on them-- for whatever reason-- then that’s what he needs to do but then he shouldn’t marry you.

But, don’t resent the children. They are going through a lot. If you commit to him, you also commit to them. You have to make sure they know that you love them equally, and if you have children of your own you love them ALL equally. If you honestly don’t feel this way, then it’s you who needs to reconsider marriage to him. If you can’t take the likely stormy adjustment period complete with little girls telling you, “your not my mother and you can’t make me”… then you aren’t ready for step-parenthood.

The children lack security due to their situations. Security can only come from a united, totally committed husband and wife who place each other in the primary position in the relationship and who the children can witness in this healthy and loving role. The children hvae to be able to count on you to be consistent in your relationship, they have to understand that the love is unconditional but they are not the center of the world, and they have to have good modeling for relationships.

 

[iluvmybabies]

And that’s also a problem… the ex is still in the picture. I hate that word, by the way.

I’m an ex… an ex what? Ex Person? I’m NOT an ex mother. But women who date men with kids resent that just because a man can’t keep a promise doesn’t mean I should lose MY kids. I gave birth to them, he didn’t! And a lot of these men claim to love their kids and they are the world to them, but that’s a lot of show. In my case, nonh used the kids to portray himself as a kind man who was trying to raise them alone, trying to attract the kind of woman who would be a caretaker for them and him (most of all.)

Right now my nonhusband is supposed to be having his Wednesday night with two of my kids. One is off at her boyfriend’s house and will be there till about 11:30. The grandmother has no authority to call her home in that house. The other is angry and sitting over there alone doing homework. And where is daddy? Every night he disappears for several hours to go off with his next girlfriend. So much for “devoted.” He will probably be home reeking of liquor long after the kids are asleep.

I bring this up because my kids are suffering from his lack of attention, and I am relegated to an “ex” status. But I’m not out with anyone. I’d rather be with my kids. Yet too many women dating men with children act like the children’s mother has no rights. She’s this horrible person who insists on being involved in her children’s lives. Imagine that! How dare she not get out of the way so the man can make a new life with someone else and take the kids with him. Kids can also sense very quickly the people who hold their mother in contempt. Some don’t like it.

And by the way, I’m not an ex wife. I’m a Never Was Wife, according to the Church.

To the OP, I’m curious why it’s Wednesday and you haven’t heard from your fiance since you left his house Sunday. Is this all part of the problem? Is this how he treated the other women in his life?

I hear you! I am an exwife-as well- and my nonhusband uses me as the “evil b that destroyed his life and has taken his children away from him!” This is what he tells everyone…Should that not matter, I guess not but it hurts because when he if ever picks up my children to take them with him wherever to see his family or whatever for a vacation of 2 weeks or so, my children will hear all this commotion of, “OMG poor children without their father what has that woman done to you poor things!” When I work as hard as possible for my children! I have them 24/7, Obviously there is a reason I am an exwife not because I was money hungry and took all his millions, I was married to that man for almost a decade, obviously there is a reason why this “evil b” left him…WONDER WHY?! But whatever… Not all men are the same and I know that but 90% of the men I have ever met with children do the same thing my ex did…One I was going to date, but thank GOD I didn’t, had children and would tell me how money hungry his ex was and how he couldn’t marry her because of that…but yet couldn’t keep it in his pants and had a lot of children whom didn’t even get child support because he didn’t work??? And kept a very close relationship with his ex for his children’s sake, so close he would stay the night over at her house every night???

UGH!!! And yes, my nonhusband has another fiance which hurt my daughter because he introduced the first one and she would talk so much bad stuff about me and threaten me all the time it was hard not to keep my emotions to myself, no matter how much I tried to hide it from my kids, my daughter would walk in on me trying to make that woman leave me alone through the phone it was difficult and my nonhusband would tell me things like “it’s your fault you left!!” I was like SAY WHAT?

Just like he still harasses me because he has to pay child support, yet when he doesn’t have a job I don’t even bother him for a single penny! I have only 1 full year of him paying child support, and he has had about 10 months without paying at all since we got divorced/annulled… It’s funny how I am “the biggest piece of sh!t in the world” yet he’s the innocent poor abused nonhusband and poor suffering father of his children and all he sends them every year is a pair of shoes, some bath soap and that’s it, can’t even remember to send his kids a bday card at all!!!

YUP I definintely hear you about the whole poor hard working daddy who supports his fiance and her 2 kids while his kids are without their father and trying to figure out where they stand with their mother and her bf…I have a good relationship with my db, and my sons do too, my daughter since she was emotionally abused by her father still have problems with her accepting my db in her life…No matter what though, my children come first and even though I have to teach my children respect of the other person because no matter what you have respect for your elders…And even though he’s not their father, they still have to respect him especially if he’s going to be part of the family, and a support to me…It’s not fair that my db gets mistreated just because my children don’t like him…He doesn’t mistreat them, and has never put them last, they are his first priority as well, so he deserves respect…Even if they don’t like him…I don’t force my children to like him, but I do expect them to respect him because they are Catholic children from a Catholic family and we respect others…

 

[gmarie21]

YUP I definintely hear you about the whole poor hard working daddy who supports his fiance and her 2 kids while his kids are without their father and trying to figure out where they stand with their mother and her bf…I have a good relationship with my db, and my sons do too, my daughter since she was emotionally abused by her father still have problems with her accepting my db in her life…No matter what though, my children come first and even though I have to teach my children respect of the other person because no matter what you have respect for your elders…And even though he’s not their father, they still have to respect him especially if he’s going to be part of the family, and a support to me…It’s not fair that my db gets mistreated just because my children don’t like him…He doesn’t mistreat them, and has never put them last, they are his first priority as well, so he deserves respect…Even if they don’t like him…I don’t force my children to like him, but I do expect them to respect him because they are Catholic children from a Catholic family and we respect others…

Who knows, maybe they’ll end up like me and think their step-father is a better dad than their actual dad (or at least more loving and understanding). It took me a while to get to that point and not feel threatened by him, but now, well, if he were honest, he’d probaby say I’m the most loyal child to him and I’m not even his own dd or ds (even though his ds did donate a kidney to him, maybe he has me beat just for that). Now, even though I disagree with him at times, I love him just like a dad. So there is always hope.

I have talked to plenty of step-fathers before and many of them have the same story, at first the children (especially the girls) were not warm at all, but through time and a loving marriage, the step-daughters grew to love and appreciate their step-fathers and sought relationships that resembled the healthy marriages their mothers were now in. So, there is hope!