Stepdaughters and my feelings

[iluvmybabies]

Who knows, maybe they’ll end up like me and think their step-father is a better dad than their actual dad (or at least more loving and understanding). It took me a while to get to that point and not feel threatened by him, but now, well, if he were honest, he’d probaby say I’m the most loyal child to him and I’m not even his own dd or ds (even though his ds did donate a kidney to him, maybe he has me beat just for that). Now, even though I disagree with him at times, I love him just like a dad. So there is always hope.

I have talked to plenty of step-fathers before and many of them have the same story, at first the children (especially the girls) were not warm at all, but through time and a loving marriage, the step-daughters grew to love and appreciate their step-fathers and sought relationships that resembled the healthy marriages their mothers were now in. So, there is hope!

Yes I do have hope, big time!!! I know my exhusband’s father married a woman that is 6 years older than me, so she’s now 37 years old and he’s in his 50s…And she was a money hungry woman, he put her first before his children, and his sons hated her, his daugther didn’t hate her at all because she taught her about sex, protection/condoms, lying about sex, she became her gf instead of a stepmother figure, and let her do whatever she wanted while her older brother’s were in their own world not caring about the woman in their father’s life she was corrupting their baby sister, but oh well to each their own…

As for myself and my kids, I am trying to do the best and hope that someday my daughter will accept my db into her life, and actually develop a good relationship, just like I hope my sons will be even closer to him like father/children relationships… crossing fingers Hoping to GOD!! :crying: :whacky: uch:

 

[love4sure]

For the sake of everyone involved in this situation (the girls, their mothers, my fiance and myself)…I just want to give you more details. Please know that I’m not trying to make excuses or anything.

In the beginning of our relationship, my fiance and I agreed clearly for us not to talk about the girls’ mothers in front of them. However, I don’t discourage the girls to talk about their mothers either. We let them share their experience when the girls come from the mothers’ houses but I don’t ask too much. I believe it’s best to be kept secret in a special place in their hearts when the girls want to do so.

I do not really ask my fiance about his exes because most likely I’d get only his side of the story and it’s not fair.

I do not see the mothers as evil ones, nor I deserve to be viewed as an evil “new gf” or “step-mom.”

We want the mothers to be there even though it will take me to be super mature to be in my position. I NEVER expect them to be out of anyone’s life.

My fiance and I made it clear to the oldest girl (she is 6) that I am not here to replace her mom. I hug the girls (the youngest is 2), change them, comfort them, and put them to sleep. I know it might give uneasy feelings to their biological mothers if they find out that some other girl they don’t know is doing all that with their own girls…but I cannot NOT do those things when they are with me.

As for the decision making, I don’t step in. The mothers and my fiance should be the ones to make important decisions. Time to time, I might suggest some things to my fiance from a Catholic person’s perspective (since both of the mothers are not practicing Catholics). When my fiance asks me for my opinions (which he often does), I tell him to discuss with his exes or with his mother who also lives with him and the oldest girl.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my postings. If that ever happened, I apologize…

 

[basilisk]

nor I deserve to be viewed as an evil “new gf” or “step-mom.”

No one ever said you deserved that. However, if the six year old views you that way… well, that is just part of her feelings. She cannot be blamed.

The youngest is only 2? Another reason you should slow down. He may very well be truly converting his life in many ways. But his involvement with that girlfriend is very recent. I don’t think there has been enough time elapsed to see if his changes are genuine. Five minutes ago is not “the past.”

This comment

We thought it’d be better for us to be together as a married couple also because the kids need to see a strong marriage bond. We wanted to avoid leaving the kids hanging and making them not sure of my position. All we wanted was the best for the kids…

also reinforced my feeling that you two are trying to force things and make too much stuff happen too soon. Just because you can make things LOOK like they are what you want them to be does not mean they ARE the way they look. You can’t just plow ahead, making things happen that you think are for the best, and expect that to make a family form. You have to take the time and put in the long, unpretty work of building relationships, giving the children time to accept you for real and willingly, and being ready to accept that even after all that, it may never happen.

SLOW DOWN… it won’t kill either of you, I promise.

If he still is not talking to you after Sunday… well, you have your answer. If he is freezing you out for nearly a week after you expressed concerns… he’s not a guy you want to marry anyway. And I pity his daughters…

P.S. How long have you two been together? I skimmed through the thread and didn’t see that…

P.P.S. My kids get between DH and me all the time too. Sometimes, it’s because they want to be in the middle and be part of the bond they see. Sometimes, it’s because they want Mom and want to take me away from Dad. So it’s a normal pattern of behavior, but the motivations and meanings of it are different in a broken family situation.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I didn’t think you are a wicked stepmother. But that will be the label you wear if your attitude of resentment toward the girls continues. One of the other posters was upset that a mom dared to have any say in her 19 year old child’s life. As the mother of an 18.5 year old, I can see she’s not quite ready for the world either.

You don’t like the reality of fiance’s past. But it’s there. You can’t ignore it. It walks around on feet with eyes and mouths.

Here is a suggestion. And your fiance’s reaction will tell you much.

It was never done for me, with the two fiancees nonhusband has had so far. In fact, he never had the courtesy to introduce to me the women he planned to put in his house and be stepmothers to my children. NEVER INTRODUCED ME! Pretended I didn’t exist, even when I was driving up and dropping them off on the doorstep while she was standing there. So I waved and yelled hi to the first one. He apparently, the story goes, spent months mocking me and imitating me to her out of view, or so he thought, of his kids.

The second one, I marched right up to her at a neighborhood function and introduced myself and shook her hand. And I looked sane while I did it. I know she was told I had mental problems.

And all the while he has been engaged I was in turmoil. Do I warn these women? I decided not to. No one asked me for the truth.

I’ll tell you as the woman who was married to a man who always seems to need a woman in his life no matter what… you need to talk to his exes, the mothers of his children. You need to extend to them the courtesy of establishing a relationship that doesn’t need him as the message carrier and middleman. When he’s at work and the child is sick and it’s on your time, and there is medication to be given, you need to be able to talk to her. She needs to be able to discuss with you things about her child that he has no clue about. Sorry, dads are not as observant and often don’t know their children as well as the mom.

All I got from fiancees was the news that they showered my children with gifts I couldn’t begin to afford. It didn’t buy their love. But it sure made me and my gifts feel inadequate.

I’m curious why he got complete custody of the first child. Was the mom a druggie? Certifiable? Or did he battle her and beat her down and wrest control of her child from her like mine tried to do with me? Important information to have.

But in any case, you NEED to have a cordial conversational relationship with these women for the sake of the kids.

I never had two words pass between me and the exes’ fiancees. He was scared for me to talk to them, I’m sure. I knew too much. Way too much.

And the same lack of courtesy he treated me with, which was right under their noses for 3 years apiece, was the same lack of courtesy they eventually were shown, which made both of them walk out on him. Now he’s looking for his next fiancee to be sure.



Just read through this and decide what applies to your circumstances.

 

[love4sure]

We’ve been together for a year.

Yes, the length of my fiance’s single life was my concern as well in the beginning.

The 6-year-old doesn’t view me as an evil one. She actively seeks my attention as well. Maybe because her mommy is in jail and she doesn’t get to see her as often as she used to (every weekend).

I truly agree with basilisk’s P.P.S. I think the oldest wants to sit between us often because she wants to be in the middle of the affection my fiance and I show to each other. We welcome her in. The youngest pushes everyone away for her daddy. When that happens, I talk to and cuddle with the oldest.

I don’t blame the girls for not wanting me. I’m not their biological mom after all. It just gets very overwhelming and stressful at times.

I am considering to slow down. As I mentioned in one of the replies, I am going to talk to the priest today.

 

[basilisk]

Has your fiance talked to you since Sunday?

That is so sad about the mom of the 6 year old being in jail! I hate people who damage their kids. I mean some stuff happens and is not within your control… but peope whose selfish, stupid choices damage their kids really make me see red.

Hey, who knows? Maybe after some intensive prep, effort, time, and love, you will achieve the family you want. The 2 year old won’t remember a time without you, and the 6 year old will remember that you were always there while Mom did her stints in the clink. With the right attitude, you marrying your fiance could be the best thing that ever happened to these kids!

Premarital family counseling with a therapist experienced in blended families, and even periodic “check-ups” with that counselor after the wedding might be just the ticket. But yes, do start with your priest. Lay it all out… even the ugly stuff. He needs to know.

 

[whatevergirl]

I didn’t think you are a wicked stepmother. But that will be the label you wear if your attitude of resentment toward the girls continues. One of the other posters was upset that a mom dared to have any say in her 19 year old child’s life. As the mother of an 18.5 year old, I can see she’s not quite ready for the world either.

You don’t like the reality of fiance’s past. But it’s there. You can’t ignore it. It walks around on feet with eyes and mouths.

Here is a suggestion. And your fiance’s reaction will tell you much.

It was never done for me, with the two fiancees nonhusband has had so far. In fact, he never had the courtesy to introduce to me the women he planned to put in his house and be stepmothers to my children. NEVER INTRODUCED ME! Pretended I didn’t exist, even when I was driving up and dropping them off on the doorstep while she was standing there. So I waved and yelled hi to the first one. He apparently, the story goes, spent months mocking me and imitating me to her out of view, or so he thought, of his kids.

The second one, I marched right up to her at a neighborhood function and introduced myself and shook her hand. And I looked sane while I did it. I know she was told I had mental problems.

And all the while he has been engaged I was in turmoil. Do I warn these women? I decided not to. No one asked me for the truth.

I’ll tell you as the woman who was married to a man who always seems to need a woman in his life no matter what… you need to talk to his exes, the mothers of his children. You need to extend to them the courtesy of establishing a relationship that doesn’t need him as the message carrier and middleman. When he’s at work and the child is sick and it’s on your time, and there is medication to be given, you need to be able to talk to her. She needs to be able to discuss with you things about her child that he has no clue about. Sorry, dads are not as observant and often don’t know their children as well as the mom.

All I got from fiancees was the news that they showered my children with gifts I couldn’t begin to afford. It didn’t buy their love. But it sure made me and my gifts feel inadequate.

I’m curious why he got complete custody of the first child. Was the mom a druggie? Certifiable? Or did he battle her and beat her down and wrest control of her child from her like mine tried to do with me? Important information to have.

But in any case, you NEED to have a cordial conversational relationship with these women for the sake of the kids.

I never had two words pass between me and the exes’ fiancees. He was scared for me to talk to them, I’m sure. I knew too much. Way too much.

And the same lack of courtesy he treated me with, which was right under their noses for 3 years apiece, was the same lack of courtesy they eventually were shown, which made both of them walk out on him. Now he’s looking for his next fiancee to be sure.



Just read through this and decide what applies to your circumstances.

I’m so sorry you went through all this, Liberano.

I just can’t help but think…that God’s laws about marriage…about staying together (this was your ex’s fault, Liberano, not yours, of course) are not to spoil our ‘fun,’ but to protect us from hurting ourselves like this.

All the confusion and drama…not just for the kids but for all the adults involved…it’s AMAZING what damage one person can do to several lives.

love4sure–good luck with your appt today. I think slowing down is wise…perhaps posting your issues here, helped you to see some red flags, too. Hope things work out, whatever happens.

 

[love4sure]

I cannot thank everyone enough for the honest, continuous replies here.

The mother of the 6-year-old did not get joint custidy because she wasn’t capable of raising her I guess. Her bf was in jail and now she is in it as well. The mother of the 2 year old is a hard working, independent lady from what I know.

No, my fiance hasn’t called me or texted me since Sunday. I’ll have to bring it up to him. Even though I don’t force him to talk to me for 3 hours everyday (that’s just unreasonable–we both work fulltime and he has kids), I need to let him know that little things like this makes my stress and fear bigger.

I’d like to thank specifically Liberanosamalo for sharing her experience. I did not know that’s how some biological mothers felt. I thought they would not want the “new girl” to be involved in anything. My fiance feels the same.

The mother of the second child has taken my fiance to court twice to keep him away from the child…for whatever reasons there were. I cannot judge anyone here. I wasn’t there. My fiance is afraid that’s what she might do again when she finds out about me. That’s why we haven’t talked to the mom. Please advise what he or/and I could do in this situation…

 

[whatevergirl]

love4sure–I know you are hurting. I just wish you the best with all this. My advice, personally, would be to leave this situation–it has so many red flags…but it’s your choice to make. Your life to live. I just see it as a lot …A LOT of chaos and drama.

I’m sure the women he was involved with had their hand in things not working out, but you and he have been involved for a year…and the youngest child is 2. So, he had to have left the mom pretty early on. I know people can change–I hope he is changing. But, I have always believed in looking at someone’s history, and not their promises, for what my future might be with them. That’s an old saying from one of my Italian relatives…but it sounds better in Italian. It will take a very large leap of faith to believe everything he tells you going forward, and not look back at all the chaos he left behind (because the chaos is still going on) People can change, but now he hasn’t contacted you in 4 days? And he wants to marry you? You seem like you spend more time hurting, than enjoying a genuine courtship.

Just don’t believe everything you hear. Another old saying. Not Italian, but a good one. I hope that if you decide to marry this man, everything will work out.

God bless.

 

[noclevername]

Aside from the kids, the fact that he hasn’t called you since Sunday is raising huge red flags for me. I am not engaged but I have been dating a wonderful man for two years. We may only talk for 5 or 10 minutes but we talk two or three times a day or swap emails or texts or something. Have you called your fiance and asked him why he hasn’t talked to you?

 

[lizaanne]

I am very glad to hear that you are putting the wedding on hold. I think this is the most healthy thing you can do for all of you. There is a LOT of baggage here to be considered. Not saying baggage is always bad, but you may want to consider if you would prefer to spend your life with some who only comes with an over night bag’s worth, or four huge trunks worth.

(And before anyone jumps on me - no, children are not baggage. But the circumstances surrounding them certainly are.)

Keeping you all in my prayers. Stay strong - I think you are doing the right thing to put this on hold.

~Liza

 

[Ruthie]

I do not really ask my fiance about his exes because most likely I’d get only his side of the story and it’s not fair.

That’s a red flag for me - about you. No, I wouldn’t want the gory details - but I would want to know why he got involved in the first place, and why they broke up. If it’s all one-sided - that is, it’s all their fault and not his - that’s another warning flag. Ask him what part of it was his fault.

As for the decision making, I don’t step in. The mothers and my fiance should be the ones to make important decisions. Time to time, I might suggest some things to my fiance from a Catholic person’s perspective…

Hmm. As a mere girlfriend, that would be the right thing to do. But you are the future step-mother, and should be included in decisions. But I’m not there, so I don’t know how the suggestion conversations go. How much attention does your fiance pay to these suggestions? Does he treat you with respect, or just dismiss your suggestions?

And I’m worried about him not contacting you since Sunday, too. If this is a change in behavior, then it doesn’t sound he’s handling this in a mature fashion. What will happen when you are living in the same house, and he gives you the “silent treatment?”

OTOH, much of what you’ve said about him sounds great. Maybe when he stops giving you the silent treatment, you could say, “We *both *need some time to grow up before we marry.” It would be true!

But if he never calls you again, then you’re well out of it.

God bless all six of you.

Ruthie

 

[love4sure]

I’ve asked him how they broke up before…just for the reference.

He said he was in love with the ex-gf but her mother didn’t like him. So they started falling apart and decided to break up a few months after the baby was born.

The first one was very young. She was still a teenager when she got married. They had the Vegas wedding. The mom seems to have problems (just like anyone)…but certainly some serious problems to the extent she has to be in jail and rehab.

I know he loves and and cares about me…but I think he just doesn’t know what to do sometimes. Being a guy, he doesn’t seem to notice that not hearing from my bf for 4 days would hurt me that much 'since I’m busy with my stuff."

This is something I have started noticing lately. His on-going contact with me is fading away (he used to call me every night and talked for 2 hours)…just as many couples experience around this time of the relationship. However, our priest said that my fiance needs to go extra miles to show me his love. I sometimes think that my fiance is too comfortable in his position to notice my needs as a gf. Yet I don’t tell (or “nag” ) him about it because I don’t want to be taking his time away from the girls…and don’t want him to be irritated by my needs.

I’m trying to be mature…to my best…but it seems like my best is not good enough at times. It is very discouraging.

 

[love4sure]

As for the ex-gf…

He also mentioned her wanting only to have a child without a man in her life. That was the attitude he saw in her. She is very independent, almost too independent, and doesn’t seem to believe in marriage.

That’s pretty much what my fiance told me…

Just wanted to add this to my previous post.

 

[lizaanne]

I’m trying to be mature…to my best…but it seems like my best is not good enough at times. It is very discouraging.

Being engaged should not be a struggle. It should be an exciting, happy, and growing time for the two of you - BOTH looking forward to a life together, making plans, and enjoying your time together. I’m not hearing any of this from you.

I’m so sorry that this is just not working out, even though you both think you want it to. There are just way too many things that scream bright red lights to all of us here, and we hope you are starting to see them too.

~Liza

 

[love4sure]

I’m sorry to keep adding…but we are making plans as a soon-to-be family.

We talk about how our Sundays should look…evolving around the mass we attend. We talk about being fruitful and multiplying as a family. We talk about helping each other get to heaven by following and reminding each other of the 10 commandments. We talk about what prayers we need (in the morning, before the dinner as a family, family rosary before putting the kids to sleep, a couple prayer before we go to bed etc.)

We talk about donating much more of our income to church, volunteering in the community as a couple…I want to take Catechism to better contribute to the church/community. We talk about joining the couple’s group.

We finished the marriage book the priest gave us at the first interview. We bought a couple more books on marriage and family so that we can keep our weekly reading & discussion going (which is my possible time alone/quiet with my fiance).

We often read the imitation of the Christ together which has been one of the greatest resources for me.

Any suggestions? Am I on the right track? Please don’t get me wrong…I am happy most of the time. (There is no relationship with only up’s…there is always down’s.) It just gets very discouraging for me at times.

 

[ora_pro_nobis]

Dear Love4sure,

I don’t have any advice to give,but I just wanted you to know I am praying for you and your fiancee’s daughters.

With best wishes

 

[lizaanne]

Look - I don’t think that any of us (though I could be wrong) are saying you should walk away and never turn back. I think we are all saying that you just need to slooooow it down a bit. Yes, you have been together a year. But that really is not that long considering all the family issues he has, and the concerns you have.

You have a lot of lovely romantic ideas about how you will practice your faith together and I think that is wonderful. But you really need to work on the hard stuff - how you (all six of you) will interact for the rest of your lives together. Because like it or not, you will have these other women and their children in your life forever.

Thinking and and planning about the nice fun stuff is wonderful, but you have some very VERY serious issues you need to confront, and I’m just afraid you are sugar coating them a bit with the good stuff. Does this make sense? I hope so.

~Liza

 

[love4sure]

Yes it makes sense. I think my fiance is more on that side than I am. I am trying to be realistic and it hurts. He seems to be avoiding dealing with the hard stuff. I am guilty of that as well.

Thank you for pointing that out. I really appreciate it.

Well, the appointment with the priest is coming up. Better get going now. I’ll be back.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

love4sure, I just wanted to let you know that not all women want to be confronted with daddy’s new fiancee/wife/gf, but my nonh’s mother has been taking care of my children when they are there for 9 years. For all practical purposes I have had to talk to her and deal with her for the sake of the kids… clothes, medical issues, dental issues, behavior, homework, diet, etc. Since the man doesn’t want to talk to me at all. But he yells at his mother for talking to me and threatens her… but that’s a whole nuther kettle of fish…

What I’m saying is that a realistic relationship would be one where you can talk to the woman, show her you care about the kids, that she doesn’t have to worry that you’re going to ruin them or turn them against her or corrupt their values. That’s what I would want as the mother of the kids.

Now you’ve told us the first mom is in prison and there are maybe unknown boyfriends in the picture. Well, then the older daughter is going to need some very special counselling when mom is free to be able to reestablish a relationship with her, and that mom may want to make up for lost time. And there will be issues of stability or safety if drugs are involved. You may indeed be someone sent into these little girls’ lives to protect them and guide them.

But that can’t be your intent for marrying him. Such a role would require you to really grow in your faith and your prayer life. It sounds like he hasn’t finished growing up and he has chosen unsuitable and immature women in the past.

I learned one very difficult lesson the hard way. **Never marry a man’s potential. **

You have wonderful plans. But I wouldn’ t marry him until you have seen him live that out in his life NOW and for an extended period of time. You don’t want to wake up after the wedding and find that all those promises are out the window and you are stuck with someone who doesn’t understand the need to communicate with you.

And the other mothers in the picture… they would need constant reassurance from you that you are on their team… caring for their kids and eager to respect their rights.

It’s a huge amount of drama and serious issues to dump on someone as young as you. You are right to feel uncertain, confused, and that your best isn’t good enough. These issues would tax the will of a woman twice your age and with twice your experience.

I am interested in what your priest says.

This is a strong tide and there are drowning people out there. Unless you have a really good boat or are a really good swimmer, they’ll pull you down too if you go out there to rescue them.