Thank you everyone for your concern and prayers.
I talked to the priest. He didn’t tell me to postpone, cancel or go forward with the wedding. I told him about this forum and my friends’ advice. He said “You heard enough from others. Now go hear from your fiance.” He also told me to live my life simpler and to be tougher. He said that it’s ultimately my decision.
My fiance willingly put his kids to sleep so that I could come over and talk with him. We had a long, emotional talk. We are still not sure. As the priest said, we decided not to jump onto the conclusion by ourselves at this moment. We are going to talk to him as a couple soon. In the meantime, I started looking around to find ways to reduce my stress.
My jealousy acts up when I reach a certain level of stress in life. You might think “then you are not fit to be in any relationship.” But I cannot help that my dad has cancer and my sister has mental illness. My mom just lost her kitty, on top of her worries for me. I was (am still) trying very hard not to make my parents worry about me over here. I thought my obligation is to be independent and successful with a master’s degree. I was caught up with my schooling which has no meaning in the end. It wasn’t something I need; it was something I could have bragged about later on. I still need a few more units for my work/passion, but don’t need the master’s degree which is doing no good to my mental health. Living by myself, far far away from my family in another country, is already stressful enough.
I don’t doubt my fiance’s love for me. He loves me with all his heart. I just need a little reminder here and there. He didn’t realize how lonely I get at the end of the day when I have to leave his home, full of love of the family he has. I know his love doesn’t change, but it’s simply hard (whether he has kids or not) when I see him only once a week. My fiance agreed to drop a line on a regular basis. We decided to pray on schedule. We are using Liturgy of the Hour and Word Among Us. In those prayers and readings, we’re united, not only us but with God. We started this morning, and I’m feeling a lot better.
We decided to slow down for now, at least for now. We are not sure yet. The priest might be dead honest with us and tell us that we need to separate. We don’t know and we are scared.
But I realized that I didn’t have enough trust in God. That was why I worried. That was why I was scared and jealous. That was why I wanted a degree to prove myself to others.
I am stepping back to slow my whole life down, not just the relationship. I was asking too much from myself.
Thank you all for everything. This is an extremely difficult situation to face, but I see a light. Whether the light leads me away from my fiance and his family or it leads us together as one…I will put it all in God’s hands. I am already starting to feel at peace. Thank you.
Doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy by any means, but realizing you have to do this is a great step in the right direction.