"Stepmother" problems

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

I was wondering if anybody else has had problems with the partner of their widowed parent?

My mother died in 2004. A few months later, my father started to date the widow of a friend of his. They fell in love and moved in together. (He is not a religious man and I think they’re loath to see a reduction in Social Security, so I assume that’s why they’re not married.) I was initially happy that my father found someone to be with in his old age. I got married and moved to the UK and I feel better knowing he’s not alone.

But, his girlfriend really seems to have a problem with me. I suppose I can be an irritating person. I am sometimes thoughtless and brusque. But, I have always tried to be as nice to her as I know how to be. I think she resents me in some way. I think she got it in her head that I resented her some time ago, and now she just views everything I do or say through a particular lens, always interpreting it in the worst possible light. And, I think maybe my father has complained to her when I’ve disappointed him by not emailing him back soon enough or something.

Yesterday, quite out of the blue, I received a very angry email from her. It was pretty much a rant - poorly punctuated, rambling, - as if she’d written in a fit of pique and hit “send” without bothering to proofread, much less sleep on it.

There were some things in the message that were probably justified - not emailing more regularly, making my father feel bad by telling him that our house was just too small for him to stay with us (this is true, and I can’t help it, but perhaps I didn’t make enough effort to explain that I do want to see him, even if he can’t stay in our house.) She wasn’t very clear, but she might have said that he’s spent money on airfare to visit me only I made him not feel welcome. That would be the first I’d heard of it. I talked to him a week ago and he sounded fine. Also, the last time we did talk about him visiting, I told him that we could all rent a cottage by the seaside as that would be cheaper than him staying in a hotel and we’d be able to spend more time together. Then, he indicated that the air fares were just too high right now.

Other things were just… crazy. “Stop telling everyone who will listen that your father’s short-term memory is failing!” There is no “everyone.” There are only three people in the world we know in common. My father, my aunt, and my brother. I believe I have expressed my concern to my aunt. My dad is 75 and, when he visited me last, he often seemed confused. It frightened me. I talked about this to a family member, and not in a disrespectful way.

Finally, she wrapped up the email with “For the sake of family peace, read this & forget it…I don’t want to upset your father anymore than he has been…I’m sure I don’t need to reiterate the past.”

In other words, “Don’t you dare tell your father about this email.”

I am so angry and hurt that I can’t respond to it. It was the *tone * of the message that upset me. It was so hostile and just dripping with venom. It was more than a stern upbraiding for being a bad daughter… you can tell that she’s been seething at me for months and she finally vented her spleen. My husband rigged up some sort of false mailer-damon message delivery failure message and sent it back to her, so that she will think I never got it. I’m hoping that she doesn’t resend it. If she doesn’t, that will mean she was just angry and hasty and has thought better of it. If she does resend it, then I don’t know what to do.

Like I said - my father sounded perfectly alright on the phone. I did not know he was actually planning a visit or that I’d hurt his feelings by telling him our house is too small for a guest. We don’t even have the floor space for him to sleep on the floor. A hotel would be expensive and he would still be a couple of miles away. So, I suggested we all rent a cottage by the sea - anywhere in Britain he liked - as that would be cheaper, more convenient, and more fun. But, last I heard, the air fares were too ridiculously high.

I don’t doubt that I’ve disappointed him and maybe even hurt his feelings. I can see why he might not tell me. But… her email is so nasty that I just don’t know how to deal with it. If I can pretend I never read it, I can act nice to her while I try to find ways to make it up to him.

This message shocked me… but it didn’t surprise me. I’ve known she doesn’t like me. She was pretty rotten in the week before my wedding - being obstructive and difficult in a very passive-aggressive way. I think she’s decided that I’m a bad seed who causes her father heartbreak because, when she met me, I was an unwed mother living in my father’s house. That situation lasted maybe a year and then I got married and moved to another country. But, I was trouble when I was younger and I suppose my father has told her about it and she just thinks I’m Trouble With a Capital T and she is protective of my dad. I can say that I live a perfectly normal, quiet, happy life. There is no drama. We don’t borrow money or have crises or fight or anything of the sort.

Also, the last time I spoke to her, I tried to have a friendly conversation. I expressed concern about my brother, who has some issues with Asperger’s syndrome. She was so nasty about him. “YOUR BROTHER IS A GROWN MAN AND HE NEEDS TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER!” He has Asperger’s, which is a form of autism. That means he acts odd, sometimes. But, he is a kind person without a mean bone in his body. The way she talked about him, you’d think he was in and out of jail and rehab rather than just some clueless, harmless nerd who works the night shift at the IRS. It was a very upsetting conversation… I think she just resents us because my dad worries about us.

I am sorry that is so long. I would be interested in any advice anyone might have.

 

[Trishie]

I can understand how upset you feel. I understand how it knaws at you.

I’ve seen this kind of misunderstanding arise before in step-parent situations, It can be through simple things. The fact that you lived in the same house and admit to being sometimes thoughtless and brusque, means you probably did offend her sometimes without realizing. It was year before I found out my stepmother was offended whenever my sister and I closed the door just to talk to each other, shutting her out wasn’t in our thoughts. She was unkind sometimes also…things aren’t aired so sometimes the problems take years to sort out.

Okay so you "didn’t get " the email thanks to your husband…perhaps that’s good because it gives her a chance to think.

However, it does really seem that your Dad might have been sounding you out about visiting, and felt crushed when you “seemed unwelcoming”. Naturally she was defensive as she experienced his hurt, adding fuel to the fire of her resentment.

As your father did recently phone and you did talk about the size of your place PLEASE innocently send him photos of your place that show how small it is, and if there isn’t a space you could temporarily squeeze a mattress into. If you think your Dad is losing some memory, consider whether he may be secretly scared and want to see his daughter? As he has spoken to you recently, you can work it in somehow, I know I’d find a way, even in this tricky situation!

You Dad is getting older, and when you don’t reply quickly as he has less to fill his day,now, it can weigh on his mind and he can feel hurt. Your stepmum has been venomous but she loves him and she’s hurt for him. I’ve been on the receiving end so know it hurts both sides…but when you Dad dies, so what to all that. You’d do anything to get the time back, the chance to regularly let him know you care.

Possibly and even probably, your stepmother’s resentment is unchangeable, but your relationship with your Dad is the priority here.

Because I am older I understnd your Dad’s position. Because I had a stepmother in complex circumstances I understand your stepmother’s problems. Because I have been a stepdaughter and I left home because no matter what I did to help her around the house or with the younger kids, it was always critised, I was always “wrong”, and sometimes over the years I was terribly hurt, I understand your problem and feelings.

Please take my words to heart.

Warm regards and prayers for you and your family, Trishie

I am sorry your stepmother lacks understanding and compassion to your brother. Does she perhaps not understand that those with his affliction don’t always get things right, and can even be inappropriate at times, good-hearted as your brother may be. Some people don’t cope with people who don’t meet the norm.

May God bless your brother…
and your Dad…
and your stepmother

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Thanks for the response (and the PM hug).

Yes, I know there are some valid points in what she said. I probably have disappointed my father. But, my problem is the way she went about it. I really can’t get across how nasty the email was. It was very, very angry in tone. Ranting, with lots of exclamation points!!! if you see what I mean.

I could, if I wanted to, come up with a pretty rotten diatribe of things i don’t like about my husband. If something were really important, I could tell him about it in a nice way and hopefully rectify things. But, if all I wanted to do was to make him miserable, I would just rattle off a long, vicious rant, peppered with random out-of-context examples of things said and done over the years. Nothing good would come of it, but I would have expressed my anger.

That’s what she has done. Well, that plus saying “Don’t tell your father I’ve said these things… we don’t want to hurt him…”

I think she decided early on that I was a bad person. I have never lived in the same house as her. My father moved out to be with her and I continued to live in his house (paying utilities) until I got married a few months later. As far as I am aware, it was a convenient arrangement for both of us. But, I know that he was very disappointed in me being an unwed mother. I think my dad worried about me until I got married. And, I think she resented his worrying about me.

I know my dad worries about my brother, who has diabetes and some financial problems - although he has never borrowed money or been a problem for anybody. My dad worries that he’ll be all alone. I remember, now, what I said in the conversation about my brother: I said, “I worry about my brother. I feel bad that I’m over here and can’t be there for him. He wrote me an email on Christmas day and he sounded very lonely.” My dad and his girlfriend visit her children in another state ever Christmas, leaving my brother alone with nobody. Anyway, I said that I felt bad for him and that’s when she went off on her rant about how he is a mess, needs to get his act together, etc. I guess she felt defensive.

She was pretty unpleasant the week I got married. That’s when I first twigged to the fact that she didn’t like me. I had to print out some visa paperwork from the computer and when I asked my father if I could do it at their house, I heard him ask “Can they come over here to print something out?” and I heard her whisper loudly, “Oh, God. Do they *have *to?!” It was very embarrassing and I just said, “Oh, never mind! We can do it at the library!” The thing is, I’d actually assumed they’d want to see my fiance and I socially that week, anyway. That was the first time I realized that she didn’t want me in her home.

For the rest of the week, she did odd, obstructive things. She would answer the phone rather than let me leave messages for my father and she sort of ran interference… would pass along messages rather than let me talk to him, myself. I had a very hectic week - I was getting married and moving to another country right away - and I needed help with various small things. She just … tried to keep me away from my dad.

She also called me up that week and said, “I would appreciate it if, when you introduce me to your fiance’s parents, you would refer to me as your father’s fiancee!” She sounded quite angry. All I could do was stammer, “Oh! OK! Wow… I didn’t know you were engaged… have you set a date?” and she cut me off with, “I WILL MARRY YOUR FATHER WHEN I AM GOOD AND READY!” I really did not understand what she was on about. Turns out, she had her nose bent out of shape because I introduced her to a friend at my bridal shower as “my father’s girlfriend.” I’d never been told anything differently! I don’t know why she got like that! I mean, you’d think I’d called her “The woman who sleeps on my mom’s side of the bed” the way she acted.

After I moved, whenever I called my dad, she would say, “You should call your father on his cell phone.” But, the really cheap international calling card only gives the good rates for land lines. Calling cell phones is expensive. So, I told her I couldn’t… but I could tell she didn’t like me calling her house.

I know I have said and done things that are annoying. Not directed towards her - just me being busy or distracted or not in the mood to put up with nonsense. She could probably make a long list of them and make me sound like a truly horrible person.

Anyway, if I can pretend that I haven’t received the message, then maybe I can move forward. On the other hand, maybe it should be addressed directly.

 

[KCtheMommy]

WOW. I don’t even know what to offer. I think the idea of faking a mailer-daemon was a good one. You are right, IF she writes back, or re-sends, she really means you to have it!!! (LOL at the !!!)

Deal with it then. If not, ignore it.

She seems a bit controlling. A bit manipulative. She has no business berating you and then suggesting you keep it a secret from your dad. Red flags! Funny thing is, she OBVIOUSLY knows where his heart and priorities lie (with you, his child) otherwise she would not give a care in the world about how he would perceive her little note.

My advice is to sit back and let the chips fall where they may. Do so with a smile on your face. Confront this only when you have to or if you are forced to. Offer prayers for your dad, after all HE’s the one who has to live with her. Don’t worry about the things she says about you to him, he will always love his little girl, and she knows it.

As an aside, I think you are an awesome person. I loved your post – your honesty, your ability to discern the why’s and how’s things got to be this way, and how you are dealing with it. Update us when you can!

 

[1ke]

She’s a troublemaker. I’d ignore her and go directly to your dad.

Ask him if you have offended him or done something to hurt his feelings. If he responds in the affirmative, say, “Well, dad, in the future if I do something that hurts your feelings, please tell me right away because you *know *I would never do so on purpose. And, please do not have your girlfriend email such ugly things to me in the future-- just talk to me directly.” Followed by, “What, oh really, you didn’t ask her to send that email? Well, I just assumed…”

If he responds in the negative, then tell him, “Really? Well then, I can’t imagine why your girlfriend would email me a nasty email saying so if it isn’t true. I was very hurt and wanted to make sure I immediately apologized to you if I’d hurt your feelings.”

That will (a) clear the air with your dad and (b) put her on notice.

 

[ryecroft]

There is just one main comment I have because I think others will touch on what I would. But please whatever you do, DO send your father a copy of the e-mail - if you don’t this can be used against you later if she ever decided to use a “divide and conquor” type of plan. Believe me, if your father finds out another way, I expect he won’t only be upset with the girlfriend, he’ll be upset with you for thinking he couldn’t handle it or something. I speak from a somewhat similar experience. I hope this helps at least a little.