Sterilization and Bad Advice

[chefmomster2]

I have been married for over 31 years. For the first 12 years of our marriage we used NFP. It was very problematic due to my extremely erratic cycle and a tendency to run a low-grade temp on a frequent basis. I became pregnant within 6 months of our wedding. It was not planned, but we adjusted and adored our child. We had two more wonderful children over the next 10 years, one of whom was unplanned. (We had no choice but to frequently abstain which was a tremendous problem in our relationship.) My pregnancies were all quite complicated. I had numerous health issues. My last pregnancy was particularly difficult. We were in real danger of losing our son.

While I was pregnant with our last child about 21 years ago we began to investigate the Church’s teaching on birth control. ( We did not recognize a tubal ligation as something other than birth control. We truly just didn’t get it.) At the time we were very involved in the RCIA program. We sought out information from the materials the candidates were using since we knew they were authentic Church teaching. We even located and spoke to the theologian who wrote the program information on human life topics. He told us that the doctrine was not infallible and that if we were properly informed about Church teaching and the morality of our reasons for choosing to obtain a tubal ligation, we could, after prayer and deliberation, make a valid moral choice to do so.The end result: I had a tubal ligation 20 years ago.

Fast forward to today. Now, I am in a VERY different stage in my spiritual/religious life. I would NOT make the same choice today. I would consider it to be a serious sin to do so. But I have arrived at this point through an expanding understanding of my faith and a much greater level of moral/spiritual maturity. That young Mom of 20 years ago was a very different person from who I have now become.

Here are my questions:

1. I did NOT understand that I was committing mortal sin at the time in part due to extremely questionable advice from a trusted source. Was it a mortal sin considering my(our) real lack
   of understanding?
2. If so, am I also condemned for my frequent reception of the Eucharist during these past 20 years? Since I was convinced we had not committed mortal sin, there was no reason why I would have avoided the Eucharist.
3. What now? I plan to go to confession ASAP, but do I receive communion in the meantime just as I have been doing? Do I avoid it until speaking with my priest? If it was a lesser sin then it has long been forgiven as are all venial sins when we confess and seek reconciliation.

I am truly confused and suffering much grief over this long-ago choice with long-range implications.

Bless you for your kindness in considering my issues.

 

[Vico]

I have been married for over 31 years. For the first 12 years of our marriage we used NFP. It was very problematic due to my extremely erratic cycle and a tendency to run a low-grade temp on a frequent basis. I became pregnant within 6 months of our wedding. It was not planned, but we adjusted and adored our child. We had two more wonderful children over the next 10 years, one of whom was unplanned. (We had no choice but to frequently abstain which was a tremendous problem in our relationship.) My pregnancies were all quite complicated. I had numerous health issues. My last pregnancy was particularly difficult. We were in real danger of losing our son.

While I was pregnant with our last child about 21 years ago we began to investigate the Church’s teaching on birth control. ( We did not recognize a tubal ligation as something other than birth control. We truly just didn’t get it.) At the time we were very involved in the RCIA program. We sought out information from the materials the candidates were using since we knew they were authentic Church teaching. We even located and spoke to the theologian who wrote the program information on human life topics. He told us that the doctrine was not infallible and that if we were properly informed about Church teaching and the morality of our reasons for choosing to obtain a tubal ligation, we could, after prayer and deliberation, make a valid moral choice to do so.The end result: I had a tubal ligation 20 years ago.

Fast forward to today. Now, I am in a VERY different stage in my spiritual/religious life. I would NOT make the same choice today. I would consider it to be a serious sin to do so. But I have arrived at this point through an expanding understanding of my faith and a much greater level of moral/spiritual maturity. That young Mom of 20 years ago was a very different person from who I have now become.

Here are my questions:

1. I did NOT understand that I was committing mortal sin at the time in part due to extremely questionable advice from a trusted source. Was it a mortal sin considering my(our) real lack
   of understanding?
2. If so, am I also condemned for my frequent reception of the Eucharist during these past 20 years? Since I was convinced we had not committed mortal sin, there was no reason why I would have avoided the Eucharist.
3. What now? I plan to go to confession ASAP, but do I receive communion in the meantime just as I have been doing? Do I avoid it until speaking with my priest? If it was a lesser sin then it has long been forgiven as are all venial sins when we confess and seek reconciliation.

I am truly confused and suffering much grief over this long-ago choice with long-range implications.

Bless you for your kindness in considering my issues.

There is not an automatic excommunication for sterilization such as there is for abortion. Since culpability requires knowledge and intention, and you also sought advice, indicating it was not therefore a mortal sin, so you do not have to confess it.

Interesting that the priest did not understand the teaching of the Church, since **Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith **wrote this in 1975:1. Any sterilization which of itself, that is, of its own nature and condition, has the sole immediate effect of rendering the generative faculty incapable of procreation, is to be considered direct sterilization, as the term is understood in the declarations of the pontifical Magisterium, especially of Pius XII1. Therefore, notwithstanding any subjectively right intention of those whose actions are prompted by the care or prevention of physical or mental illness which is foreseen or feared as a result of pregnancy, such sterilization remains absolutely forbidden according to the doctrine of the Church. And indeed the sterilization of the faculty itself is forbidden for an even graver reason than the sterilization of individual acts, since it induces a state of sterility in the person which is almost always irreversible.
vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19750313_quaecumque-sterilizatio_en.html

 

[PaulfromIowa]

From the Catechism:

1857 For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: "Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent."131

I doubt very much that it was mortal sin because you did not have full knowledge. It would be wise to mention in confession anyway because of the grave matter.

Don’t wait, don’t “suffer much grief,” go to confession.

 

[jadz3]

My wife and I went through a very similar situation. We practiced NFP for several years and she had difficulty charting due to a very inconsistent cycle, etc.

We had 2 wonderful children and continued to use NFP and abstained a lot due to the fact that my wife was so afraid to get pregnant again. She struggled with moderate hormonal issues following pregnancy including depression and anxiety. 5 years later, even though we frequently abstained my wife became pregnant again. She was immediately distraught, but we accepted this blessing from God.

After this 3rd child, however, my wife was adamant about not having any more children. We abstained almost 100% for 1-2 years. This put a lot of pressure on our marriage. At the same time my wife developed some severe issues with her monthly cycle that required a handful of trips to her OBGYN. He discussed with her a variety of options to deal with it, some of which included birth control to control hormonal issues, etc. We were against taking birth control so we pressed on.

After several additional months my wife decided to return to her OB for further options. He said that she could have a procedure done to help with her severe monthly issues, but that it was imperative that she could not become pregnant again because it would be highly likely the child would not survive in her and would ultimately die (abort). So, we were faced with a lot of distress. We were pretty distraught and struggled with the decision.

In the mean time we searched for assistance from priests, deacons, and the NFP advisors, etc. We prayed about what we should do. Our priest and a deacon informed us that due to my wife’s health reasons we were not deliberately sterilizing for the sole purpose of stopping the ability to create life itself. Although I was somewhat reluctant I conceded to having the surgery performed.

Since then I have still experienced some struggle with the decision we made. There have been times when I have felt guilty being intimate with my wife due to the inability to offer myself completely and openly to the creation of life as God wills it. However, I feel that God has worked through others to help my wife and I accept the love and mercy God has for us.

I would like to offer the following to try to help.

First, pray, pray, and pray. Ask God for help in this trial.

Second, yes - speak to a priest and/or deacon about your concerns. Try not to become scrupulous.

Third, talk with your husband about it and pray with him. Ask Jesus to hold you and comfort you.

Finally, if you or your husband have any guilt of being intimate due to the fact that you are sterile then I offer you the advice that my spiritual director offered me. Practice Natural Family Planning any way. Designate one week (the same week) each month that you and your husband will abstain. Offer up that week for all of those who are struggling with the same things you are, but especially for those who sterilize because they simply don’t want any children and those that choose to abort.

I pray that God blesses you with an abundance of love and mercy and the strength to endure this trial.

Abba, Father, help us all to release our grip on our struggles, so that you can take them and fill us with your love. Amen

 

[chefmomster2]

Since then I have still experienced some struggle with the decision we made. There have been times when I have felt guilty being intimate with my wife due to the inability to offer myself completely and openly to the creation of life as God wills it. However, I feel that God has worked through others to help my wife and I accept the love and mercy God has for us.

I would like to offer the following to try to help.

First, pray, pray, and pray. Ask God for help in this trial.

Second, yes - speak to a priest and/or deacon about your concerns. Try not to become scrupulous.

Third, talk with your husband about it and pray with him. Ask Jesus to hold you and comfort you.

Finally, if you or your husband have any guilt of being intimate due to the fact that you are sterile then I offer you the advice that my spiritual director offered me. Practice Natural Family Planning any way. Designate one week (the same week) each month that you and your husband will abstain. Offer up that week for all of those who are struggling with the same things you are, but especially for those who sterilize because they simply don’t want any children and those that choose to abort.

I pray that God blesses you with an abundance of love and mercy and the strength to endure this trial.

Abba, Father, help us all to release our grip on our struggles, so that you can take them and fill us with your love. Amen

Thank you for your willingness to share your story. Your advice, and that of the other posters, has truly been invaluable.