Sticky Annulment Problem

[Jacafamala]

As gently as everyone tries to put it, the fact is that the church presumes that I am an adulterer, and there is nothing I can do to prove otherwise. When I walk in the church I feel like I’m wearing a scarlet letter A on my chest and I worry what people must think about me.

Any advice or prayers are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Prayers, and I’m sure no one thinks of you as having a scarlet A on your chest. On the contrary, I admire you! And I’m so glad you’re at Mass!
Pax Christi,
Ann

 

[Siena]

Make sure your wife knows that a declaration of nullity WILL NOT make her son illegitimate. That might be part of her problem.

 

[puzzleannie]

Dulcissima, another problem is that my wife struggles with depression. I’ve discussed it with both priest and shrink. All agree the better course is to wait rather than do anything that would overwhelm her or create even more tension.

What I really need is advice on how to live with this situation while keeping my faith intact. I should also mention we have a severely disabled child who consumes enormous amounts of our time and energy. This is the son of her first husband (he abandoned them), and I’m now raising him as my own. So we have a pretty chaotic home life in the best of circumstances. My new faith has been a big help in dealing with all of it, and I don’t want to lose it.

I don’t have any help to offer except prayers, but I will note that we have found when one spouse is converting and the other spouse is not converting, not interested or even actively against what is happening, we must invite that spouse to participate, to feel free to come and listen, ask questions, and to encourage as strenuously as possible that they both make an appointment together to talk to the priest sometime during the process. The reason is it is hard for the person converting to explain what is going on within them, and it can be seen as a threat, rocking the boat, or a criticism. In your wife’s case since as you say she struggles with depression, and who wouldn’t with what she has had to bear, perhaps the change in you is awaking feelings in her she can’t deal with, grief, anger, resentment over her ex and the divorce, stress of dealing with the child’s illness, whatever. It’s like when one person loses a lot of weight, the other spouse sometimes feels threatened. There is a lot going on with your family, and it sounds like she has a lot to work through before she can tackle the idea of even thinking about her first marriage.

If it is possible at all for her to talk to an understanding priest, or someone who could explain how the annulment process can be very healing it might bring her to the point where she is willing and able to consider your point of view.

 

[mercygate]

Judy, thank you very much. It’s mainly during communion that all the terrible thoughts come into my head, so this prayer is just what I need. Thanks again.

My church does have adoration. I go sometimes but I guess I need to make it more regularly. I have a hard time just clearing my mind and listening to God.

I know first hand the ache of longing for the Eucharist and the fearful threat of being deprived of it by a resistant spouse (who took only three weeks to relent and agree to be married in the Church).

It is said that longing for the Eucharist is a powerful and efficacious form of penance. As the priest elevates the host, try offering your pain for your wife . . .

Feelings of resentment might be something to ponder and pray about; those who receive the Sacrament have no part in the complications of your marriage, as you know. Depression and anger are closely related. Your wife may resent your new-found faith. And I know from experience in living with a depressed person that it’s contagious and breeds resentment in the rest of the household. My heart and prayers are with you in hope of a speedy resolution.

 

[dulcissima]

pww746, to be honest, I am actually at the very beginning of starting the annulment process myself. I wonder what your wife has been told about the process. I think it might help if she were to think of it as a healing experience. Yes, it can be a little bit overwhelming to have to wade through all of those painful memories, but it is also very therapeutic to do it in a way that organizes those thoughts and seeks to find truth. I would also think it would be really nice for your wife to get these feelings out and have them be heard and understood. She is kind of stuck right now in this place where she is so unhappy, if she really wants to make some progress, I hope that she will be able to see that there is something in this whole process that will benefit her greatly.

Still praying for you.

 

[RWMorris]

pww746, we had to go through an annulment process, so I know what I’m talking about.
DH was reluctant to go through the process because of some hang-ups he had (didn’t understand why he had to go through it, resented the whole process, etc.) After losing my temper once or twice, which was ineffective to say the least, I told him that we would live as brother and sister until he got the annulment (which was my priest’s directive, not mine). Simply because our marriage had not been convalidated and was not valid.
This inspired him to get on the ball and file the paperwork. It took about 7-8 months but boy was it worth it to have our marriage blessed by the Church.
BTW, if you are living as brother and sister, can’t you receive Holy Eucharist?

 

[RWMorris]

Didn’t remember that you haven’t been received into the Church yet - sorry.
At least go to Mass and adore the Host during consecration. Maybe that will help.

 

[pww746]

Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts and prayers. The Act of Spiritual Communion was especially helpful when I went to Mass.

 

[bilop]

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions and prayers.

Now another question: I am told that the Pauline Privilege may apply in this case, which would make the process somewhat easier than annulment.

My wife was not baptized at the time of her first marriage. She does not think her husband was either, but there is no way to prove it unless he offers some kind of testimony. He is unlikely to be cooperative.

So in a Pauline Privilege case, what kind of evidence is required to prove that neither spouse had been baptized? Any canon law experts out there?

As I understand it, the Pauline privilege only applies if both parties were not baptized at the time of the marriage, and subsequently one is baptized into the Church. If they seperate, the Catholic party can petition to dissolve the marriage.

I don’t think this applies here, since your wife is not the one entering the Church. Theoretically, you could ask for the Pauline privilege to dissolve your current marriage, but since your wife was previously married, I don’t think the Church would consider your marriage valid in any case. So, if you and your wife seperated, you wouldn’t need Pauline privelege.

You have a terrible situation, and I feel very sorry for you.

If you believe in the truth of the Catholic Church, I don’t think you have any option except to cease relations with your wife. Will your priest baptize you if you do this? If you believe what the Church teaches, that you are committing adultery, how can you continue.

Hopefully, seeing you are serious will bring your wife around.

I will pray for you.

 

[pww746]

Thank you for the thoughts, bilop. However, as noted above, I have discussed this at length with my priest. It is a complex situation and the best solution he sees is to be patient and pray.