Sticky situation after hiring family member

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IrishMom2,

It’s funny you mention The Godfather. I was this close to recommending a viewing of it to the OP, but thought it was a little over the top. However, one of the central problems of the movies is how to deal with ineffectual and/or treacherous family members (Fredo Corleone and Carlo Rizzi) that you have to work with and can’t really fire. Fortunately, the OP has a bit more latitude.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Just use the line from The Godfather movie. Tell the nephew he is fired and that “It’s just business, it’s not personal.” :rolleyes:
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For a moment there I thought you were going to suggest another line…

“Fredo, you broke my heart”…and then have him whacked.
 
Nephew came over last night to collect his pay. Hubby was too nervous I guess to just come out and tell him how we felt so I had to give the initial lines, “We never agreed to hire your girlfriend but we will pay her $20 for cleaning our van.” Nephew was unbelievably delusional about how much work she did around here, saying that he brought her along and made sure she was working her a** off the entire time!!! He was equally delusional about his performance- to the point that he told ME that I have no idea what “real work” is! (I am a prior business owner, and now I’m a pediatric RN).

He started going into how many problems he has with his family and she with hers and that we shouldn’t be screwing them over like this. I said that you can’t take your personal problems and use them as leverage in these types of situations- it doesn’t work in real life and that he needs to take responsibility for his own issues. Hubby and him argued, with Nephew now claiming he was initially hired to do the roof and that shopping for roofing supplies was part of what he was hired to do. That was not true because on day 3 he was still begging us to “let him do the roof”.

He insulted me on a personal level 3 different times. I thought at one point my husband should have told him to leave and we would mail a check!!! In the end, we paid his girlfriend $100. Then as soon as i wrote the check, him and my hubby started talking nice and trying to smooth things out. He hugged my husband and said, “Don’t forget about me when you need stuff done in the future.” I was on my way up the stairs when I heard that.

I am livid inside- not just over the money (I’m pretty upset about that too), but more so about how soft my husband was with him and the fact that he ripped us off and thinks he’s sprightly about this and that we are just cheap rich people. We are not rich financially- at all, but we own a house and a rental and have good jobs. To him, we are rich and he just took us for a ride and is pleased with himself. I need help letting this go, I know I will- but right now when I think about last night I get SO MAD.
 
Oh, Kittery, I just want to hug you :hug3:

I had so hoped there would be a more positive outcome to this. Hiring family can be fraught with problems. I do hope you are able to let it go soon, for your sake.
 
I’m just happy for you that it is over.

As long as you don’t hire him again for anything, then you are only out what you paid him. I would let go of any hard feelings (as long as you don’t forget to not hire him again).

It doesn’t sound like he learned any lessons from this. But the time to have taught him was when he came over - and now it’s too late.

Don’t let it eat away at your relationship with your husband, or your relationship with your nephew’s family. It was a business relationship that went awry - and not it is over.

(Oh, and i have to ask - do you think your husband would be as soft if this had been a neighborhood kid - or just someone he had contracted through a note at the grocery store? If so, then maybe you need to do the financial transactions)
 
The girlfriend was not hired by you, other than to clean the van. The $20 suggested seems fair enough. That is about what a car wash would charge.

In most states, I think you are required to pay for time spent on the job, even if the nephew was not very productive during that time.

As for the roof, you should use someone who is bonded and insured. What is someone were to fall off the roof, or through the roof (or suffer other injuries), during the job? You don’t know if a roofing job is properly done, until the first heavy rains. Where will your nephew be then, and who is to fix any future leaks? A good roofer will guarantee a roof for some years. Besides, the nephew has shown a lack of work ethic, and even if qualified to do the roofing job, has shown himself to be too irresponsible to be trusted with the job. Maybe someone needs to tell him that, to help him gain some insight. He may not heed the advice, but it would be a favor to tell him what you think of his behavior.
 
Oh boy, This is the down side of being married to a sweetie. My dear departed husband was the same.
 
One of the earlier posts described your nephew as an “opportunist”.

Now you have seen his true colors.

Let’s see, he made $80.00 profit for his girlfriend. Quite frankly, he slept MUCH BETTER than you last night!!

And if your husband think the nephew respects him one iota, he is severely delusional.

Your “job” is to love your nephew as a child of God, and pray for him. Your “job” is NOT to hire him for anything ever again (let him repent in the confessional, not on your roof).

I would say limit your contact with him to as little as possible.

We have a nephew who has insulted both me and my spouse numerous times. I have made it very clear that as long as my name is on the deed I have a say on who cross the threshold and this nephew is NOT WELCOMED in my house.

Your husband needs to stand up for you and for himself … if this was not a Catholic website in more vivid language I would tell your husband to reclaim parts if his anatomy :eek:
 
Oh man–at least it’s over.

“Hubby and him argued, with Nephew now claiming he was initially hired to do the roof and that shopping for roofing supplies was part of what he was hired to do. That was not true because on day 3 he was still begging us to “let him do the roof”.”

A meaner guy than your husband would have told him, “Son, that didn’t happen and you don’t have a piece of paper that said it happened. It’s really important that you understand how this works for your future.”

“He insulted me on a personal level 3 different times. I thought at one point my husband should have told him to leave and we would mail a check!!! In the end, we paid his girlfriend $100.”

You don’t even know he’s going to give girlfriend the full $100 unless she was there. The way things are shaping up, I wouldn’t count it.

I hope you guys got a receipt for all this.

“Then as soon as i wrote the check, him and my hubby started talking nice and trying to smooth things out. He hugged my husband and said, “Don’t forget about me when you need stuff done in the future.” I was on my way up the stairs when I heard that.”

Never, never, never, never, never!

“I am livid inside- not just over the money (I’m pretty upset about that too), but more so about how soft my husband was with him and the fact that he ripped us off and thinks he’s sprightly about this and that we are just cheap rich people. We are not rich financially- at all, but we own a house and a rental and have good jobs. To him, we are rich and he just took us for a ride and is pleased with himself. I need help letting this go, I know I will- but right now when I think about last night I get SO MAD.”

Forgive your husband about this and make up, but make an agreement that you will not hire nephew for anything (barring massive improvements in nephew’s character and work ethic). If your husband were less of a softie, I think he could get more work out of nephew, but I don’t think that he’s the guy to put the fear of God into this young man.

On top of the stuff you mentioned, it was just a terrible learning experience for your nephew. He learned nothing from working for you, or what he learned is that he can get away with murder. He’s well on his way to turning into one of those bad contractors that everybody knows stories about (like, rips out your kitchen and then disappears).

At least you guys have learned a lot from this experience and haven’t hired him to do your roof!!!
 
How did the Gf go from 20 to 100? You will find that throwing money at something like this will not make it better. The nephew is immature at best.
Never ever hire him again.
But back off your husband a little. Yes, it is easy for all of us to say what we would have done and yes I think you all got taken advantage of but your husband has a good heart.
Though when you were personally insulted your husband should have defended his woman! If someone insulted my wife in my house… well, lets just say it would not be pretty.

The hard part is over but there is a rift in your family now that will go away so quickly. You will always feel anger toward your nephew and he will always feel like he was cheated.
How about the aunt and uncle? Could this affect that?
 
Yes chalk it up to experience. For one thing, dear, with a sweet guy like this, you need to take charge of things more. Don’t expect him to be the mellow sweetie pie you love, then change into a warrior.

From now on, you’re in charge of the hiring and firing!
 
Country_Gal said:
Yes chalk it up to experience. For one thing, dear, with a sweet guy like this, you need to take charge of things more. Don’t expect him to be the mellow sweetie pie you love, then change into a warrior.

From now on, you’re in charge of the hiring and firing!
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Love this advice!!! I am proud of my hubby’s reputation as such a nice guy, I wouldn’t want to change that. I think you’re right- I need to take charge more- it probably would have taken a load off of him if I’d called the shots earlier on and told Nephew to take a hike.
 
Country_Gal said:
Yes chalk it up to experience. For one thing, dear, with a sweet guy like this, you need to take charge of things more. Don’t expect him to be the mellow sweetie pie you love, then change into a warrior.

From now on, you’re in charge of the hiring and firing!
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Hoosier_Daddy said:
How did the Gf go from 20 to 100? You will find that throwing money at something like this will not make it better. The nephew is immature at best.
Never ever hire him again.
But back off your husband a little. Yes, it is easy for all of us to say what we would have done and yes I think you all got taken advantage of but your husband has a good heart.
Though when you were personally insulted your husband should have defended his woman! If someone insulted my wife in my house… well, lets just say it would not be pretty.

The hard part is over but there is a rift in your family now that will go away so quickly. You will always feel anger toward your nephew and he will always feel like he was cheated.
How about the aunt and uncle? Could this affect that?
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She went from $20 to $100 when he started going on and on about how F’d up this all was and how he’s always been screwed over by everyone in the family- (his parents have taught him to be a victim quite deftly). We shouldn’t have went above ) $20 IMO but hubby wanted it to be over and felt it wasn’t worth it to fight over $80. I wanted the principal of the situation to sink in, but honestly- I’m not sure that’s even possible because of how delusional he truly is.
 
kittery said:
Nephew came over last night to collect his pay. Hubby was too nervous I guess to just come out and tell him how we felt so I had to give the initial lines, “We never agreed to hire your girlfriend but we will pay her $20 for cleaning our van.” Nephew was unbelievably delusional about how much work she did around here, saying that he brought her along and made sure she was working her a** off the entire time!!! He was equally delusional about his performance- to the point that he told ME that I have no idea what “real work” is! (I am a prior business owner, and now I’m a pediatric RN).

He started going into how many problems he has with his family and she with hers and that we shouldn’t be screwing them over like this. I said that you can’t take your personal problems and use them as leverage in these types of situations- it doesn’t work in real life and that he needs to take responsibility for his own issues. Hubby and him argued, with Nephew now claiming he was initially hired to do the roof and that shopping for roofing supplies was part of what he was hired to do. That was not true because on day 3 he was still begging us to “let him do the roof”.

He insulted me on a personal level 3 different times. I thought at one point my husband should have told him to leave and we would mail a check!!! In the end, we paid his girlfriend $100. Then as soon as i wrote the check, him and my hubby started talking nice and trying to smooth things out. He hugged my husband and said, “Don’t forget about me when you need stuff done in the future.” I was on my way up the stairs when I heard that.

I am livid inside- not just over the money (I’m pretty upset about that too), but more so about how soft my husband was with him and the fact that he ripped us off and thinks he’s sprightly about this and that we are just cheap rich people. We are not rich financially- at all, but we own a house and a rental and have good jobs. To him, we are rich and he just took us for a ride and is pleased with himself. I need help letting this go, I know I will- but right now when I think about last night I get SO MAD.
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It is so obvious that you and your husband have big hearts! 🙂 Try to not let people take advantage of you guys anymore. It’s unfortunate that people will, if they think they can.

The kid got such a lucky break. I am a construction laborer and the vastly overwhelming majority of the time, anyone who the contractor feels is not working hard enough, or not working the way they want you to, might get lucky and be allowed to finish out the day, but then would be let go. The only time your situation happens is when they hire family or a close friend who is lazy. I hope for his sake, the kid straightens up and fly’s right.

God bless!
 
“The kid got such a lucky break. I am a construction laborer and the vastly overwhelming majority of the time, anyone who the contractor feels is not working hard enough, or not working the way they want you to, might get lucky and be allowed to finish out the day, but then would be let go. The only time your situation happens is when they hire family or a close friend who is lazy. I hope for his sake, the kid straightens up and fly’s right.”

Presumably, there’s a reason why nephew “happened” to be free that week rather than working elsewhere.

I suspect nephew is going to be blaming all his troubles on “bad luck” for a long time. There is such a thing as misfortune, but in his case, this is the special kind of “bad luck” that happens to people who don’t listen, don’t put in a full day’s work, and don’t stick to agreements.
 
kittery said:
I think we have been TOO generous and are looking to reign this situation back into reality for him without causing a family feud. .
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You are obviously, a much better Catholic than me. If it were my nephew the feud would have started already and I would have blamed him for starting it.

I know how these things can be hard, and I don’t want you to feel lectured but…with all due respect, when you end up giving the girlfriend $100, you are giving him more reason to believe he can use you.
 
Going forward from here remember an old sage Scottish saying, “Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.”

Look at the money spent as learning about the nephew’s character, and apply it in further financial dealings…NONE. When he asks, why no roof or other work, just smile on the inside realizing that your tenants will have a sound roof over their heads. You should also not disclose any future work on the house to him or relatives that may pass it along.
 
Monicad said:
But dear one you ARE rich, and it is exactly the richness in your life that will help you let this go! You are rich in Christ! Take whatever anger you have towards your nephew and do what you can to turn it into sympathy instead because he is indeed poor is he not?

You have the gift of Jesus Christ in your life which is richness beyond measure. Because of this richness you have a loving husband, decent friends and probably have a reputation as a person of high moral character. Your nephew does not have this, he does not have a good reputation of high moral character, in fact he stoops so low as to risk his relationship with his own uncle so he can scam eighty dollars. What kind of a life is that?

Your nephew probably has very few genuine friends, people like him seldom do. He is living a life that is not one of true happiness, cheating people, lying and using people is not a good way to live. Your nephew needs your prayers. Each time you feel yourself welling up with anger about the money, instead say a prayer for his soul. I wonder, really how many people are praying for this poor young man. Satan may be tempting you to anger because he knows how powerful your prayers can be. Pray, pray, pray for your nephew and then pray some more. On a practical level of course it would be wise not to hire him again, but on a spiritual level you can do much good here. Don’t look at this from an earthly perspective but from an eternal one, his soul is in danger please help him.
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This is one of the best responses I’ve ever had- this is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful response. I will make sure my hubby sees this too. :blessyou:
 
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