Still doubting

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schoolteacher68

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Long story short, the man I was dating/engaged to and I are on a “break”…we haven’t seen each other (except for one short 10 minute talk after work Friday, February 17) since January 20…I told him I needed a break from everything because of a few reasons:
  1. my mom passed away August 20, 2016, three days prior I crashed my motorcycle and was subsequently off work for 3 months…2 weeks after the accident and mom’s death he gave me an ultimatum that we either get married or live chastely or break up…we didn’t see each other for a few weeks, then one late night when I was having a really tough time dealing with everything, I called him, he came over and of course we had relations
  2. he has serious debt and while he’s making a lot more than he has in the past, he still doesn’t seem to be getting further ahead…I on the other make close to 6 figures (yes, teachers in Ontario Canada make that much) and have savings for my retirement…his idea is “it’s only money” whereas I see it as “it’s only money if you can afford it, if not, do without”…
  3. he wants to move in to my place so he can start focusing on his debt…I don’t want to live together for various reasons…
I know I’ve asked before but things have changed since then…obviously, we no longer have a sexual relationship outside of marriage and yes, I have been to confession…we are both annulled which allows us to get married if we decide to go that route…

He professes that he loves me no matter what I decide…that he wants to make God and myself happy…that he loves me regardless of health or wealth…I can’t seem to forget some things he’s said about my money in the past and how I felt let down when he gave me his ultimatum only two weeks after my mom passed away…

I have been praying daily…rosaries…novenas…adoration visits…read lots of self help books (both Christian based as Catholic ones are hard to find and secular)…talked to priests, doctors, friends etc…

I was on March break this past week and we had plans to go to Biloxi MS which was obviously cancelled…I miss him, but I wonder if I truly miss him, or just hate being alone…some days I wake up totally fine thinking I will be by myself, and others I am a total wreck…still miss my mom a lot and that’s not probably helping much either…

Sorry for the rant…I guess it wasn’t such a long story short after all…
 
schoolteacher68 said:
Long story short, the man I was dating/engaged to and I are on a “break”…we haven’t seen each other (except for one short 10 minute talk after work Friday, February 17) since January 20…I told him I needed a break from everything because of a few reasons:
  1. my mom passed away August 20, 2016, three days prior I crashed my motorcycle and was subsequently off work for 3 months…2 weeks after the accident and mom’s death he gave me an ultimatum that we either get married or live chastely or break up…we didn’t see each other for a few weeks, then one late night when I was having a really tough time dealing with everything, I called him, he came over and of course we had relations
  2. he has serious debt and while he’s making a lot more than he has in the past, he still doesn’t seem to be getting further ahead…I on the other make close to 6 figures (yes, teachers in Ontario Canada make that much) and have savings for my retirement…his idea is “it’s only money” whereas I see it as “it’s only money if you can afford it, if not, do without”…
  3. he wants to move in to my place so he can start focusing on his debt…I don’t want to live together for various reasons…
I know I’ve asked before but things have changed since then…obviously, we no longer have a sexual relationship outside of marriage and yes, I have been to confession…we are both annulled which allows us to get married if we decide to go that route…

He professes that he loves me no matter what I decide…that he wants to make God and myself happy…that he loves me regardless of health or wealth…I can’t seem to forget some things he’s said about my money in the past and how I felt let down when he gave me his ultimatum only two weeks after my mom passed away…

I have been praying daily…rosaries…novenas…adoration visits…read lots of self help books (both Christian based as Catholic ones are hard to find and secular)…talked to priests, doctors, friends etc…

I was on March break this past week and we had plans to go to Biloxi MS which was obviously cancelled…I miss him, but I wonder if I truly miss him, or just hate being alone…some days I wake up totally fine thinking I will be by myself, and others I am a total wreck…still miss my mom a lot and that’s not probably helping much either…

Sorry for the rant…I guess it wasn’t such a long story short after all…
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Yes, it was very self-centered of him to give you an ultimatum right after your mom died.

And yes, it does show a mismatch in values for him to want to move in with you for economic reasons. It would be bad enough with an actual engagement and a time frame, but it’s really really bad (even just from a secular point of view) to do so without a wedding date in view.

“It’s only money” but he needs to move in with you to focus on paying off his debt? :eek:

I think you know what the answers are here. Your guy is no doubt lots of fun, but is very immature for his age, and it doesn’t sound like he is currently capable of being an equal partner to you. Long-term, I think it would be very difficult to live with someone whose values are so different from your own.

The problem here is not necessarily the debt–the problem is his failure to act like an adult and live within his means.
 
Xantippe said:
Yes, it was very self-centered of him to give you an ultimatum right after your mom died.

And yes, it does show a mismatch in values for him to want to move in with you for economic reasons. It would be bad enough with an actual engagement and a time frame, but it’s really really bad (even just from a secular point of view) to do so without a wedding date in view.

“It’s only money” but he needs to move in with you to focus on paying off his debt? :eek:

I think you know what the answers are here. Your guy is no doubt lots of fun, but is very immature for his age, and it doesn’t sound like he is currently capable of being an equal partner to you. Long-term, I think it would be very difficult to live with someone whose values are so different from your own.

The problem here is not necessarily the debt–the problem is his failure to act like an adult and live within his means.
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I agree
 
It sounds to me like you dodged a bullet there. What an immature creep.

Really, he wants to make God happy by cohabiting and you happy by sponging off you. Blech.

Make the break a permanent one and find someone worthy of your affection.
 
schoolteacher68 said:
Long story short, the man I was dating/engaged to and I are on a “break”…we haven’t seen each other (except for one short 10 minute talk after work Friday, February 17) since January 20…I told him I needed a break from everything because of a few reasons:
  1. my mom passed away August 20, 2016, three days prior I crashed my motorcycle and was subsequently off work for 3 months…2 weeks after the accident and mom’s death he gave me an ultimatum that we either get married or live chastely or break up…we didn’t see each other for a few weeks, then one late night when I was having a really tough time dealing with everything, I called him, he came over and of course we had relations
  2. he has serious debt and while he’s making a lot more than he has in the past, he still doesn’t seem to be getting further ahead…I on the other make close to 6 figures (yes, teachers in Ontario Canada make that much) and have savings for my retirement…his idea is “it’s only money” whereas I see it as “it’s only money if you can afford it, if not, do without”…
  3. he wants to move in to my place so he can start focusing on his debt…I don’t want to live together for various reasons…
I know I’ve asked before but things have changed since then…obviously, we no longer have a sexual relationship outside of marriage and yes, I have been to confession…we are both annulled which allows us to get married if we decide to go that route…

He professes that he loves me no matter what I decide…that he wants to make God and myself happy…that he loves me regardless of health or wealth…I can’t seem to forget some things he’s said about my money in the past and how I felt let down when he gave me his ultimatum only two weeks after my mom passed away…

I have been praying daily…rosaries…novenas…adoration visits…read lots of self help books (both Christian based as Catholic ones are hard to find and secular)…talked to priests, doctors, friends etc…

I was on March break this past week and we had plans to go to Biloxi MS which was obviously cancelled…I miss him, but I wonder if I truly miss him, or just hate being alone…some days I wake up totally fine thinking I will be by myself, and others I am a total wreck…still miss my mom a lot and that’s not probably helping much either…

Sorry for the rant…I guess it wasn’t such a long story short after all…
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He really means that it is only YOUR money. Except for the empty, “I love you no matter what”, everything else he says and does is focused on him and his problems. Real men don’t give grieving daughters ultimatums; loose the looser and sign up with a good Catholic dating service.
 
Catholic1954 said:
He really means that it is only YOUR money. ** Except for the empty, “I love you no matter what”, everything else he says and does is focused on him and his problems. ** Real men don’t give grieving daughters ultimatums; loose the looser and sign up with a good Catholic dating service.
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Now that you mention it, if you set aside what he **says **and just look at what does, it really isn’t a pretty picture.

Also, if he actually cared about chastity, he wouldn’t be asking to cohabit, especially given your track record as a couple.
 
I’m on my third read of the OP, and each time I notice a horrifying new detail.

It didn’t really dawn on me the first times that his ultimatum was also right after you having a serious accident–it wasn’t just after your mother died.

This is an amazing gift that you’re “on break”–now, make it stick.

Good luck!
 
thank you Xantippe and 1ke…your posts are always very informational and assistive…thank you TheTrinitySaves for your prayers for my mom…I miss her so much it hurts…

I do know deep in my heart he’s not right for me but sometimes, the loneliness gets to me…and being almost 49 there aren’t that many Catholic single guys out my way (I have checked Catholic dating sites too)…

I am trying very hard to put my trust in God and am really trying to give it all up to him…
 
schoolteacher68 said:
thank you Xantippe and 1ke…your posts are always very informational and assistive…thank you TheTrinitySaves for your prayers for my mom…I miss her so much it hurts…

I do know deep in my heart he’s not right for me but sometimes, the loneliness gets to me…and being almost 49 there aren’t that many Catholic single guys out my way (I have checked Catholic dating sites too)…

I am trying very hard to put my trust in God and am really trying to give it all up to him…
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I normally wouldn’t say this, but I actually think you could do a lot better with a non-Catholic guy than this particular guy. This guy’s Catholicism is not bringing a lot to the table.

If you were 25, I wouldn’t say this, but there are a lot of mixed marriage problems that just won’t be an issue for you at your age (parenting, getting to go to church with kids alone, NFP, family size, etc.).

I’m not saying to go out there and grab the closest live single Protestant guy, but I wouldn’t completely close the door on all non-Catholics.

Also, with your income and a teacher’s schedule, you are well-positioned to pursue a promising long distance relationship.
 
I wish you peace with the decision you are contemplating.

There is ‘cold feet’ and ‘doubts’. If you had ‘cold feet’ I’d say say another rosary. “Doubts” more time apart.

Ask St. Joseph to find you the right spouse. It might be this guy or someone you haven’t met yet.

God Bless you.
 
schoolteacher68 said:
he gave me an ultimatum that we either get married or live chastely or break up
…
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As much as I think this guy is a jerk, I really don’t see how this is an ultimatum. Aren’t those the exact 3 options people have

1- marriage
2- live chastely (which sounds like dating but having no sex)
3- break up

Number 2 actually sounded like a great thing. To date but no sin/sex

:confused: I don’t see the ultimatum:confused:
 
Anglewannabe said:
As much as I think this guy is a jerk, I really don’t see how this is an ultimatum. Aren’t those the exact 3 options people have

1- marriage
2- live chastely (which sounds like dating but having no sex)
3- break up

Number 2 actually sounded like a great thing. To date but no sin/sex

:confused: I don’t see the ultimatum:confused:
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That’s true, but then throw in him wanting to move in with her indefinitely while he pays off debt, and I find it hard to take it seriously. A guy who was really serious about chastity would not want to move in, especially with no wedding date, and even more especially if they had issues with chastity as a couple.

I realize it is physically possible to be under the same roof without having sex, but in this particular case, wanting to live with her sounds like a) not being serious about chastity and/or b) having poor judgment.
 
Xantippe said:
That’s true, but then throw in him wanting to move in with her indefinitely while he pays off debt, and I find it hard to take it seriously. A guy who was really serious about chastity would not want to move in, especially with no wedding date, and even more especially if they had issues with chastity as a couple.

I realize it is physically possible to be under the same roof without having sex, but in this particular case, wanting to live with her sounds like a) not being serious about chastity and/or b) having poor judgment.
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hhmm… by the way the OP worded it, it didn’t seem like at the time he said ‘live chastely’ he was referring to moving in with her. I didn’t think that was part of the ultimatum
 
Anglewannabe said:
hhmm… by the way the OP worded it, it didn’t seem like at the time he said ‘live chastely’ he was referring to moving in with her. I didn’t think that was part of the ultimatum
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It sounds like he’s said a lot of stuff…
 
You are clearly not at peace and i think this tell you your answer.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to say NO to him. Someone told me once “Never take anyone as a piety because you will be the one looking as a piety”. Have compassion and pray for him but don’t compromise out of piety.

Why don’t you go pray near the Blessed Sacrament and talk with Jesus. He will gave you peace and gave you the courage to do the right thing. You can ask Jesus also to take care of Him.
 
I can tell from your post and replies that you would really love to make this work but it seems to me that this man may not be the right choice for a life partner.

Anyone who would give you an ultimatum like that directly after losing your mother and having a terrible accident is simply using your vulnerability to manipulate you. If this is how he acts while dating, I can’t imagine what he will be like when you are married and everything that you have worked for is marital property.

Love is an action, please look at his actions, they are not, in my opinion, loving toward you. He seems like he loves himself only. If you decide to stay with him, please realize that everything will be about him and that’s no way to live. You’ll soon tire of him and his game but by then you will have lost so much.

Please pray about this situation before making any decision about moving him into your home.

Prayer going up!
 
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