Still Married Women with Adulterous Husbands

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BeyondWords

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I am looking for a little hope for the future here. I did not really want to put my story out in the open like this, but as much as I browse, I can’t find anyone with a situation like mine.and a good or, at least hopeful, outcome.

My husband had a pretty messed up childhood that included being molested, being a molester and developing a porn/masterbation addiction at age 10… He lost his virginity to at prostitute at age 17. Needless to say, he learned a pretty sickly skewed view of sexuality. When we were married, I was told none of this. He seemed normal enough, he had some porn mags, but so did every other guy I knew that age.

Fast forward 15 years, I just found out he has been cheating on me for years. Not just cheating, but spending the majority of his time actively pursuing avenues online through which to meet more and more people to cheat with. Our relationship was good as far as I knew. Our sex life had not been perfect, but it wouldn’t have mattered. What he craved was emasculation, domination, s&m, and even transexual sex. After the first live affair, he never was able be with me again out of guilt. When I found out, I was devastated. My family is my whole world. I sent to the Priest, who sent him to Sexaholics Annonymous and committed him to a strict schedule of Confession and Spiritual Direction. He also started therapy, as have I, and we are in Marriage Counseling. It has been a long, bumpy road.

Now he seems to be doing much better. He is truly repentant, his prayer life is flourishing, and most of the time I believe he is “sober” in every sense of the word (I still have my understandable paranoid moments). I still feel love for him, I believe I can forgive him in the sense that forgiveness is an act of will. What concerns me, is that I can’t get the images of what I know went on out of my head. I just can’t get past the thoughts of my cherished husband with other men and these disgusting women. I can’t help despairing over special events and holidays he wasn’t “there” with where I now know he was and being angry. I am afraid I will never be able to let go the promises and words he said to these other women (and not-so-much-women).

This is so much longer than I intended. Am I the only one who has been through this type of thing and is hanging in there? Am I an idiot? Please, please speak to me if you have been through this as well and have come out the other side. Tell me there is hope, tell me this can be done, tell me I am not insane.
 
Your not insane.
My wife left me after 18 years of marriage,she had a bad past similar to your husband.She got involved with another guy and then left the kids as well. Its a very hard thing to get over and I still don’t know all the answers. All I can say is that I just try to tell myself that she can’t help it, its really the abusive people in her life that are to blame. I can"t begin to imagine what it must be like being abused like that. Thats what I try to focus on.

Hope I’ve been of some help.
 
You are not an idiot; you are not insane; there is hope. Your courage and faithfulness in this mess says a lot about your character, and your husband is darned lucky you didn’t dump him, like he deserved. Hang in there and stay in counceling eventually, these things will fade into the past. Have you thought about renewing your marriage vows? That might give you more of a sense of starting over.
 
It sounds like since your husband has severe issues that he lied to you about at the time of the marriage, that you might have a case for an annulment. It almost sounds like your husband was not able to promise to be faithful considering his issues. If you can’t move past what he did, maybe you need to talk to a priest about this.
 
I think it is impossible to stay with your husband, without Gods graces one day at a time, probably one hour at a time, one minute at a time. It will be a whole different way of living your life. A really blessed one, though.

It will take a ton of God’s grace for your husband to get over this. It seems like he is getting it right now. And your priest is right. You need EXTRAORDINARY grace. And the ordinary way God imparts extraordinary grace is through the sacraments. I don’t know what you have time for but you need regular Adoration. You can surely make a weekly commitment? You will be so blessed. Your situation is so diffiuclt I don’t see how you can get through it without a daily Holy Hour. But do what you can. God will meet you where you can. And increase your communions and confessions. Its what will keep you alive.

Your spirit can soar, even in this. God will give you the peace that makes no sense, the* peace that passes all understanding*.

God gives a little grace to people who need a little grace. He give huge piles of grace to people who need huge piles of grace. He will give you what you need.
 
One more thing-did he get tested for STD’s? Did you?

Also, you said his past included being a molester…Has he gotten help for that? How is he with the kids?
 
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and advice. And a special thank you to those who have pm’d me with your own situations - it truly has been a blessing just not to feel so alone.

To try to answer a few questions…yes, I do attend regular Adoration, and it brings much peace to my heart. I also try to meet my husband for an occasional weekly Mass together, just the two of us. Yes, we both have been tested for STD’s - I insisted on it right away. And I honestly do not believe there is any current threat from the molestation issue - it was over 20 yrs ago and was an in-family situation due to a very unhealthy family atmosphere. I do not want to get into too many details there, but it is not a threat.

Again, may God Bless you all for helping me through this.
 
No worries about details…it just jumped at me when I read your post.

I’ll pray for you all…

That’s so sad that his upbringing was so damaging…May God bring peace to both you and your marriage…
 
BeyondWords said:
I am looking for a little hope for the future here. I did not really want to put my story out in the open like this, but as much as I browse, I can’t find anyone with a situation like mine.and a good or, at least hopeful, outcome.

My husband had a pretty messed up childhood that included being molested, being a molester and developing a porn/masterbation addiction at age 10… He lost his virginity to at prostitute at age 17. Needless to say, he learned a pretty sickly skewed view of sexuality. When we were married, I was told none of this. He seemed normal enough, he had some porn mags, but so did every other guy I knew that age.

Fast forward 15 years, I just found out he has been cheating on me for years. Not just cheating, but spending the majority of his time actively pursuing avenues online through which to meet more and more people to cheat with. Our relationship was good as far as I knew. Our sex life had not been perfect, but it wouldn’t have mattered. What he craved was emasculation, domination, s&m, and even transexual sex. After the first live affair, he never was able be with me again out of guilt. When I found out, I was devastated. My family is my whole world. I sent to the Priest, who sent him to Sexaholics Annonymous and committed him to a strict schedule of Confession and Spiritual Direction. He also started therapy, as have I, and we are in Marriage Counseling. It has been a long, bumpy road.

Now he seems to be doing much better. He is truly repentant, his prayer life is flourishing, and most of the time I believe he is “sober” in every sense of the word (I still have my understandable paranoid moments). I still feel love for him, I believe I can forgive him in the sense that forgiveness is an act of will. What concerns me, is that I can’t get the images of what I know went on out of my head. I just can’t get past the thoughts of my cherished husband with other men and these disgusting women. I can’t help despairing over special events and holidays he wasn’t “there” with where I now know he was and being angry. I am afraid I will never be able to let go the promises and words he said to these other women (and not-so-much-women).

This is so much longer than I intended. Am I the only one who has been through this type of thing and is hanging in there? Am I an idiot? Please, please speak to me if you have been through this as well and have come out the other side. Tell me there is hope, tell me this can be done, tell me I am not insane.
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No, you are not an idiot or the only one hanging in there.You are an incredibly wonderful woman who is standing beside her ill husband. You are fully honoring your wedding vows and therefore honoring God.

Time will heal the mental movies. I promise, I’ve been where you are.:hug1:
 
BeyondWords said:
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and advice. And a special thank you to those who have pm’d me with your own situations - it truly has been a blessing just not to feel so alone.
To try to answer a few questions…yes, I do attend regular Adoration, and it brings much peace to my heart. I also try to meet my husband for an occasional weekly Mass together, just the two of us. Yes, we both have been tested for STD’s - I insisted on it right away. And I honestly do not believe there is any current threat from the molestation issue - it was over 20 yrs ago and was an in-family situation due to a very unhealthy family atmosphere. I do not want to get into too many details there, but it is not a threat.
Again, may God Bless you all for helping me through this.
Click to expand...
Hi BeyondWords,
It sounds like you are already looking to God to help provide the healing that you need, and that is a good thing -
Your family needs graces and whole-family healing that will surely come through Consecrating your family. I need not bore you or others with the details of my past situations, but rather focus on the one thing that transformed my life and my family. We learned about Consecrating our family to Jesus through Mary in union with St. Joseph (the Holy Family) - and this provided the spiritual renewal that we needed to overcome the rock-bottom rut that we had fallen into - including the constant mental ‘replaying’ of past transgressions (surely an instrument of the evil one to try to keep you in the rut). I’ll admit that this has taken a few years to transform from where we were then to where we are now, but the Message of Hope is immediately recognizable and relieving - that Christ has a plan and a way to help us overcome the desperation that we fall into. Yeah, we were going to mass and seeking outside help - and everybody would tell us pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, but nobody could ‘teach’ us HOW or WHAT to pray in order to transform our family. Nobody had a ‘plan’ to help us till we found this - familyland.be/family_consecration/introduction-to-consecration-to-the-holy-family.html (Link to a free, online- do at home 40-day retreat for family consecration.)
There is also a great related video at familyland.be/en/message-of-hope.html All of this is free and online - won’t cost you a cent, just your time and faithful commitment to pray the prayers suggested there - every day is a new set of readings, prayers, & reflection.
Renewing this consecration annually will bring every member of your family closer to God, and as you live your lives closer to Him, following His Will, you will become spiritually closer to your husband and kids - Jesus, the great healer, will transform your lives - you will no longer recognize or be burdened by the ‘situations’ of the past - Jesus will COMPLETELY heal you as no shrink or counselor can, as you become closer to God. Jesus came to this earth exactly for this reason, so call on him to help transform your family.

PM me if you have any questions, etc.

-YBIC,
GaryR.
 
That sounds wonderful, garyr. I am actually very familiar with Familyland and was hoping to attend one of the Holyfests this summer. I will look into this program further and discuss it with my husband.
 
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