Still no sex after 6 months marriage

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Angelo85

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Dear all,

I have always been a virgin (until now), even though I struggled a lot with masturbation problems. Nothing seemed to help me get rid of this…
Until the moment I was with my girlfriend. Only at those moments I was able to stop with it.
Now we have been married for 6 months. The problem is: still we didn’t have sex. We would try once a month, all of the other days it’s quit. She doesn’t have any bad experience in the past, and she is also a virgin like me. Before we got married, we just talked a little bit about how sex is going to happen, everything should be according to the catholic rules etc… Because she didn’t have any knowledge about it, and I was just teaching her. Also from a medical view I could tell her, since I’ll become a doctor next year.
She also gained knowledge through the Pre-Cana classes we followed together. At that time before marriage she was excited like. During our wedding night it went quite well, just a little bit of exploring.
Later on she was giving the reason that because we stayed somewhere else, we couldn’t have proper ‘intimacy’ until we had a own house. After having a own house, still nothing happened. It’s like she is not interested.
I’m also struggling because of the masturbation and porn viewing problems in the past. I tried not to sin…but the longer there was a ‘distance between us’, the more I get this feelings back. Every once in a while she will give me a promise that it will happen for sure next day, but I know 99% of the times it’s not true.
I don’t know what to do know. Every time we try (just 8 times until now) I try to satisfy her during foreplay, without thinking about me. She seems to enjoy and tells she is happy. But the ‘actual thing’ won’t happen.
Now I fully started back with masturbating and watching dirty pics/videos, because I feel like what’s the use if still after 6 months nothing happened between us.
I’m also not getting satisfied by her. It’s not ego. I try to make her happy a lot, I have saved aloooot of cash before we got married, just so she could buy whatever she wanted (she couldn’t buy anything she wanted in the past). I could never eat what I liked to eat, just with the thought not to waste a single cent for our future. I tried to get a good house for us, I tried to let her come to Europe. She couldn’t stay here in the Netherlands, so we moved to Belgium. And every day I have to travel to the Netherlands (6 hours a day), just for my studies. I let her buy everything she wants, with the only rule not to buy for me (so she can spend all the money for her). I love her the maximum, and I want everything best for her.
Many people told me that I have a too good character, and it will break me once in life. Now I feel like it might be true. I am not happy. It’s like I’m sacrificing too much. I don’t know what to do now… I’ll never divorce her or go with some other girl else, because I want her only, and God gave me her as the biggest gift in my life. She cooks every day for me, she cleans the house, she always buys for me also (even though I get angry for that).
But we have too many fights, she gets aggressive also and throws things (just because I don’t speak with her, I purposely do because I want her to calm down). And maybe I just have to admit myself it will never work out, and I have to live a life without sex…
 
My sympathies for your suffering. First, stop the porn now. It is very addicting and will kill any chance yoi have at normal sex. If she knows you are porning it may be why there is no sex. Women feel gross and dirty while having sex with men they know are using porn. They wonder if he is thinking of the girls in the porn instead of them. It doesn’t take long for porn to desensitize people so that sex with a real person becomes impossible. There is an intimacy disorder going on here and since you were using porn before the marriage you may well be the one to have the intimacy disorder. I suspect you both have intimacy disorder to one degree or another. Porn is a sin as is masturbation. Go to Confession and stay away from it. Stay far far away from it. Do not let her reach climax during forplay. She has no reason to continue and it can be very uncomfortable for some women to continue sex after climax. Make sure she is as relaxed as . possible. Make sure she doent feel pressure to have sex. Spend a few evenings just holding her and telling her you are not trying to get sex just want to hold her. Eventually she will relax enough to enjoy the marital act. She must be very relaxed. Tell her she is beautiful to you. A woman will not relax if she does not feel that you see her as beautiful.
 
I think the lack of sex might be a symptom of all the other problems the two of you have. I went back to read some of your previous posts, and it appears that in her past there is both physical and verbal abuse, as well as other family issues both on her side and yours. You posted about not being sure you’d be able to abstain the length of time that NFP requires, and admittedly have a problem with pornography. You have aggressive fights where she throws things.

What does she say when you try to talk to her about it? You write a lot about what you do and how upset you are about it, but don’t say much about her (name removed by moderator)ut other than she told you there would be more intimacy when you owned a house. Were you living with other people before? Are you financially stable? Is she afraid of getting pregnant? Does it hurt for her? These are not questions you need to answer here, but rather things you should ask her about. It also sounds like you both should seek out a good counselor, because aside from whatever issues you currently have she has had a difficult past.
 
First of all, if you have not had sex yet, I believe you could get you marriage annulled, so think carefully as to what you really want.

Now, on a practical level, no one who is studying to be a doctor has time to travel 6 hours a day and I think she is being really inconsiderate. Unless she has a valid reason to not live in the Netherlands, (like she doesn’t have the appropriate papers), there is NO reason to live in Belgium. How inconsiderate of her.

One last thing, you do not say how old you are. Even if a woman is of legal marrying age, it does not mean she is ready for sex. Women’s sex drive does not become strong until later in life, like in their 30s sometimes and she may just not be there yet

Angie
 
They are rear but there are therapist who specialize in intimacy disorder. Please don’t consider annulment until you have exhausted every other option.
 
Dacinom said:
I am sorry for what you are going through. Sexual intimacy is a part of marriage. Please make an appointment to talk with a local priest, or if you are uncomfortable (some people are) see if there is a deacon that is married in your diocese that you can talk to. Also look into Catholic or Christian counseling. Six months is a long time to not consummate your marriage, please seek help immediately there is something seriously wrong here. God bless.
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Thank you. I do feel bit uncomfortable, I hope there is a deacon somewhere closeby where I can look out for it.
charismata4u said:
My sympathies for your suffering. First, stop the porn now. It is very addicting and will kill any chance yoi have at normal sex. If she knows you are porning it may be why there is no sex. Women feel gross and dirty while having sex with men they know are using porn. They wonder if he is thinking of the girls in the porn instead of them. It doesn’t take long for porn to desensitize people so that sex with a real person becomes impossible. There is an intimacy disorder going on here and since you were using porn before the marriage you may well be the one to have the intimacy disorder. I suspect you both have intimacy disorder to one degree or another. Porn is a sin as is masturbation. Go to Confession and stay away from it. Stay far far away from it. Do not let her reach climax during forplay. She has no reason to continue and it can be very uncomfortable for some women to continue sex after climax. Make sure she is as relaxed as . possible. Make sure she doent feel pressure to have sex. Spend a few evenings just holding her and telling her you are not trying to get sex just want to hold her. Eventually she will relax enough to enjoy the marital act. She must be very relaxed. Tell her she is beautiful to you. A woman will not relax if she does not feel that you see her as beautiful.
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The thing is, she knows about it. I have confessed it to her several times, because I feel guilty and I also don’t want to hide anything from her. I tell her to help me, to check often what I’m doing on Internet etc… She feels guilty that it’s because of her that I’m doing these things. Maybe you’re right and I shouldn’t climax her before itself. I try to hold her every night and that she is the most beautiful woman ever for me. And she knows I love her, she often tells me she never got this much of love from others…
Anglewannabe said:
First of all, if you have not had sex yet, I believe you could get you marriage annulled, so think carefully as to what you really want.

Now, on a practical level, no one who is studying to be a doctor has time to travel 6 hours a day and I think she is being really inconsiderate. Unless she has a valid reason to not live in the Netherlands, (like she doesn’t have the appropriate papers), there is NO reason to live in Belgium. How inconsiderate of her.

One last thing, you do not say how old you are. Even if a woman is of legal marrying age, it does not mean she is ready for sex. Women’s sex drive does not become strong until later in life, like in their 30s sometimes and she may just not be there yet

Angie
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Hm yeah usually I leave home at 6.30, and I come back at 8.30 in the evening. And then I have homework also 😦 The problem is that she is not able to stay in the Netherlands, because I don’t have a full-time contract which is valid for at least 1 year. I’m studying at the moment, so it is not possible anyway. Also I’m working in a hospital once a week, just to manage financially. So actually it’s not her fault that I have to travel a lot (except for staying together). We live in Belgium without any liking…it’s just because we want to be and stay together, we have to make few sacrifices in it…

I’m 28 now and she is 24. She does not have much knowledge about sex. Her sex drive seemed a bit strong before we married, but after that it’s not much. For this reason I’m also doubting whether it’s because of me, because I’m not attractive or slim or I don’t satisfy her enough, even though she is telling those are not the reasons…
charismata4u said:
They are rear but there are therapist who specialize in intimacy disorder. Please don’t consider annulment until you have exhausted every other option.
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Yeah I thought to look into it. But actually we don’t like being helped with a third person, because that will also take a long time. We want to solve this problem ourselves first. But maybe you’re right, and I should contact a therapist asap.
And no worries, no annulment for me. I’ll never want any other girl in my life, I want to live lifelong with her only 🙂
 
If she has been the victim of previous sexual abuse, she needs counseling. Period. It’s not going to get better without treatment.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think the lack of sex might be a symptom of all the other problems the two of you have. I went back to read some of your previous posts, and it appears that in her past there is both physical and verbal abuse, as well as other family issues both on her side and yours. You posted about not being sure you’d be able to abstain the length of time that NFP requires, and admittedly have a problem with pornography. You have aggressive fights where she throws things.

What does she say when you try to talk to her about it? You write a lot about what you do and how upset you are about it, but don’t say much about her (name removed by moderator)ut other than she told you there would be more intimacy when you owned a house. Were you living with other people before? Are you financially stable? Is she afraid of getting pregnant? Does it hurt for her? These are not questions you need to answer here, but rather things you should ask her about. It also sounds like you both should seek out a good counselor, because aside from whatever issues you currently have she has had a difficult past.
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Yeah I also have a big problem. I personally feel love is much more important than sex, but I’m not able to control my body. I do respect my wife a lot, and I don’t want to satisfy my needs if things went between us. I don’t want her to sin, and maybe that’s why I’m thinking of watching all this dirty stuff etc.
She did tell that she is much more happy with me than with her family where she stayed with. Today also she told. And she posted a wonderful message on Facebook to everyone regarding our 6 months anniversary yesterday.
When I try to talk to her, something she listens, sometimes she tells us to try again soon, and sometimes she changes to another topic.
She does feel very upset about this matter also, that’s true. But she doesn’t try much. I always bought everything what she wanted. Once for a handbag I asked why she needed it, because she has so many already. For that she fighted a lot and didn’t speak for almost a day. After marriage we lived next to her parents house for 9 days. Then we stayed in my parents house for almost 2 months. But half of the time we were not there, because of holiday trips to other countries, like Paris, Venice and Rome. On those trips also nothing happened. Financially I’m not stable since one week, but for all this time it went alright, because I save a lot of money (2 years of salary). Pregnancy is not a problem we face. But she is scared she will get pain after the first time. Maybe this fear is too much for her. When we attempt to do, she will shout. The muscles around that area will tighten, but I don’t know how to deal with it. Because I don’t want her to have any pain, I’m not continuing either. I feel sad for her, but maybe I’m too soft.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
If she has been the victim of previous sexual abuse, she needs counseling. Period. It’s not going to get better without treatment.
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There has been no previous sexual abuse at all. She is very open to me, and when asking several times she insured me this is not the case. She is still a virgin.
 
Angelo85 said:
But she is scared she will get pain after the first time. Maybe this fear is too much for her. When we attempt to do, she will shout. The muscles around that area will tighten, but I don’t know how to deal with it. Because I don’t want her to have any pain, I’m not continuing either.
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She needs to seek medical treatment. This is a very treatable problem, but one that can have both physical and psychological components, both of which need to be addressed.
 
You really need to think about things here: I say look into annulment immediately if this doesn’t immediately change unless you want to live in a loveless sexless marriage for life. Something is VERY wrong here, if she doesn’t want to jump your bones like crazy just after marrying and having waited for the marriage to do it then there is a REAL and serious problem. Don’t wait this out: take action to change this now whether through counseling or medical check ups or something, or get out, don’t float along unless you’re prepared to live this way always.
 
Angelo85 said:
There has been no previous sexual abuse at all. She is very open to me, and when asking several times she insured me this is not the case. She is still a virgin.
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OK, sorry I misunderstood a previous post.

She needs to see a doctor about her fear of intercourse. I also think she is immature because she punishes you for asking why she is buying yet another handbag. You are giving her everything she wants like a “daddy” who can’t say no. She should be a partner in your budgeting, not a spoiled child.

There are more issues than just the lack of sex, although that doesn’t help the situation. I recommend counseling.
 
in general, and without commenting specifically here, lack of sex for a newlywed couple is a very good indicator of immigration fraud.
 
Angelo85 said:
There has been no previous sexual abuse at all. She is very open to me, and when asking several times she insured me this is not the case. She is still a virgin.
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Maybe she married you because you bought her everything and rolled out the red carpet for her, dote on her and it is all about her, but she does not have an interest in being sexual with you? She just wanted the free ride?
 
Drop the porn, drop the masturbation. Seek counseling, both for you and for her. I attempted marriage at one point (I prefer to say that instead of saying I am divorced since I obtained a decree of invalidity), and I understand lulls in intimacy, but six months into the marriage and no consummation? As we say in Texas, “Houston, we have a problem.”
 
Fairwinds said:
in general, and without commenting specifically here, lack of sex for a newlywed couple is a very good indicator of immigration fraud.
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Ouch. In this case, it sounds like a distinct possibility.
 
I am sorry you are having these problems in your marriage. It must be extremely frustrating and sad. Sexual intimacy shared between spouses is ultimately something for you both to enjoy to bring you closer together, but it can be hard to get started.

Since you said she “tightens up” when you get close to traditional intercourse, it sounds like fear is definitely a factor. This can occur even without history of sexual trauma. If she has a history of being taught that sex is “bad” or “dirty,” that also may be hard for her to overcome and may require counseling. It is also extremely important that your wife feel emotionally safe in the relationship and that you have good, open communication with one another. If a relationship doesn’t feel comfortable, friendly, and safe, that will damage your sexual intimacy. It also may help if you build up her comfort level with physical intimacy very gradually, with lots of interactions that include getting comfortable with one another’s bodies and with the understanding that it’s ok if she needs to stop at any time.

Working through sexual problems can be very difficult even for spouses who’ve been married for a long time and have good communication. It is vital for you to get help from a counselor, preferably one who specializes in sexuality. If you see a professional who is not religiously affiliated, make sure he or she knows your religious values. A good professional will honor your values and work within them. Professional therapy can be expensive, but think about what is at stake here. You clearly love your wife, and you’re not going to be able to do this on your own.
 
A priest friend of mine told me once that this is a very common issue with women who marry as a virgin. He gets couples visiting him often with this issue.

I think she fears the pain of losing her virginity. Her mind gets the better of her.

Have you tried using lubrication before entering her? This may help a lot with the pain issue.
 
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