Still struggling with submission

[kevinsgirl]

I worked before DD was born and took maternity leave a week before she was born. I don’t recommend quitting months before your baby is born unless your dr. recommends it because the third trimester can really, REALLY drag. It was perfect for me because it let me save up a little more for DD’s education, gave me more spending money for cute baby things, and like you, my work was my social life.

Like many posters have said, motherhood changes you. I would get tearful going to Mass without DD (she had to stay home for her first month due to her running a high fever at a few days old) and simply couldn’t imagine being away from her all day.

Like you, DH and I had agreed that I would be the one to stay home, but I did struggle with it at first. In principle, though, I really wanted to be a SAHM and now that I’ve been home for over a year, I’m very glad I made the decision.

The whole submission/loving like Christ loved His church thing in my opinion gets blown out of context sometimes. You guys need to be on the same page by compromising on the little stuff and agreeing on the big stuff. The big stuff is that you stay home when you have the baby. I agree with that. As to when you stay home–I think that’s something your DH needs to love you and let you do it since you’ll be giving up a lot once the baby’s here.

My suggestion would be to work until you have the baby if your dr. is ok with it. It was the best thing for me and reading what you have posted, I think it would help you and not compromise the baby in any way. After my baby was born I had a lot of loneliness and had to start working on non-work friendships. It’s a slow process, but it’s getting there. For a long time I second guessed my decision and now I’m good with it. Occasionally I worry if I’ll still be relevant in the workplace when I go back, but as long as I work to stay mentally fit, I’m good.

And every few months I take DD to my old work to visit for old times’ sake.

KG

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree completely. Everyone has the ability to change their mind, but those who do should be prepared for certain emotional responses from others. It doesn’t mean changing your mind is wrong, but just that it can stir up emotions in the other person. We can’t label a person’s expectations as illegitimate just because they were based on what she said–what else should he have based them on? All of us have expectations of one another, as we should. But IF he does feel this way, that’s alright–and it’s still alright for her to change her mind, too.

Hopefully, for you OP, this process doesn’t have to be antagonistic. This is your husband–he loves you, I’m sure, as you do him. Hopefully if you both lay your feelings and fears out there on the table, consult with you doctor or midwife about what is safest for you to do, you guys can come to a compromise or a workable arrangement that makes both of you feel comfortable. And of course, that arrangement will be subject to change too, as the two of you and your family change.

Of course, if you feel truly that your husband is underestimating your feelings or the real danger of depression, then you should tell him that and tell him what you think would help you. Submitting doesn’t mean letting him make the decisions on everything.

I hope this works out for the best, and that you’ll update us in months telling us you’ve worked out a happy arrangement that works for your family.

I think you’re right. Every couple goes through something in which the reality is not what they had bargained on, and of course it is hard on both sides. If one partner remains intent on following the course set prior to marriage, he or she might understandably feel they got the bait-and-switch. It can get unpleasant for a time, but that isn’t necessarily a violation of Ephesians 5 on either the husband’s part or the wife’s. This is just reality. If these things are swept under the rug, they don’t get better. It is worth the trouble to work them out in the open.

The truth is, it is just as often true that the person who had set a goal for him or herself–the husband who planned to bring in all the money, the wife who saw herself serenely staying at home or breast-feeding for a year–is the one who finds it the most difficult when the goal proves unrealistic for him or her. Actually, I think maybe the problem of letting go of a goal that we had all sewed securely onto our vocational identity as a Catholic is the more difficult one to work through.

The OP’s situation could be more difficult because she’s still torn over what to do and because it is a first pregnancy. People get a little nuts over first pregnancies. I knew a relative who was so paranoid about alcohol consumption that he would not allow his wife to have a piece of rum cake while she was pregnant. A three-year old could have eaten her fill of this cake without harm, as far as the alcohol content went. The wife decided to give in to her husband’s excessive caution, but I knew quite a few wives who thought that they would have surely have put away their own husbands, if he ventured between their pregnant selves and a piece of chocolate in any form.

 

[MorganON]

Firstly, I wish my husband wanted me to stay at home. I work full time and then go home and work full time some more. I’m lucky that my mom takes care of my toddler and picks up my older boy from school. But I’m there mom and I want to raise them. But my DH feels we couldn’t make it on his income alone. We wouldn’t have the lifestyle we have honestly.

Anyway, to address one of your concerns… the lack of adult interaction. Are you both going to church together? Are there other young mothers-to-be? or young moms? Get to know them. Arrange “play dates” for you and the mom and then as your little ones get older together they will play together, too. I am friends with some SAHMs who amaze me because of the number of other SAHMs that they interact with on a weekly basis and because they do so much with the Church or an older child’s school. I’ve even teased one and told her that she can’t call herself a SAHM because she’s never actually at home.

The main thing is to do what’s best for your family. God bless and congratulations and good luck!

Melissa

 

[odile53]

I don’t have any direct practical experience with this, being childless because of having married later in life, but from what I’ve observed, there are plenty of opportunities for stay at home mothers to get some adult interaction in their lives. My sister stayed at home for about five years after her youngest was born, and got out frequently to the playground, where there were other moms, and they started to network. Play dates became frequent. Then a few of them got together and started a book club. When the kids were in school, there was of course the PTA, and other activities that were somewhat centered around the kids but the adults got involved and formed friendships.

Since I retired from performance and started to teach ballet, I notice that a lot of the parents of my students (there are some stay-at-home dads nowadays, because of the economy) have bonded quite a bit, and have quite a bit of opportunity for adult interaction that is wholesome and intellectually stimulating. Last winter our studio had a field trip to New York, to see NYC Ballet, and it was interesting to see how the parents were having even more fun than the kids were!

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t have any direct practical experience with this, being childless because of having married later in life, but from what I’ve observed, there are plenty of opportunities for stay at home mothers to get some adult interaction in their lives. My sister stayed at home for about five years after her youngest was born, and got out frequently to the playground, where there were other moms, and they started to network. Play dates became frequent. Then a few of them got together and started a book club. When the kids were in school, there was of course the PTA, and other activities that were somewhat centered around the kids but the adults got involved and formed friendships.

Since I retired from performance and started to teach ballet, I notice that a lot of the parents of my students (there are some stay-at-home dads nowadays, because of the economy) have bonded quite a bit, and have quite a bit of opportunity for adult interaction that is wholesome and intellectually stimulating. Last winter our studio had a field trip to New York, to see NYC Ballet, and it was interesting to see how the parents were having even more fun than the kids were!

Opportunities, yes, but social interaction does not just fall on a SAHM’s lap. Along with the other aspects of legitimate self-care, if she doesn’t plan for it, it doesn’t happen. Prayer, exercise, and adult conversation don’t happen to a SAHM by chance. The same thing goes with conversations and time spent with your husband that are non-parental in nature. You have to make it happen on purpose. What you’ll get by chance is not enough. Even 15 minutes a day of each other’s undivided attention as a married couple makes a huge difference. As for a prayer, you really do need more than a day-long litany of “HELP ME, LORD!” to sustain you.

Having other moms as friends is great, maybe the best, but getting to see each other and talk without a background chorus of “MOM!” is important. You gotta have a break from 24/7/365, even if it is being at home with the kids, but knowing that your husband is going to get up when the kids need something. Also, having the time to give to a project of your own choosing, whether it is sewing, art, or a good book or whatever, is sanity-saving. Even the Carmelite sisters in the convent of St. Therese of Lisieux did painting and embroidery. They lived a strict version of cloistered life. That should tell you something.

PTA…sorry, that is not self-care. Enjoying it when you help with field trips is great, but that had better be icing on the cake. There are few, if any, adults who will sustain their sanity on that!